Dougies Blog Thingy

Dear Paramount Pictures,

As you now own the rights to produce and and all future Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies (and are working on one as I type this, due to be released in 2012.) I thought I would write you this helpful little letter.

For some reason you have chosen Platinum Dunes (the company behind a ton of the recent horror movie remakes.) to make this movie. I’m a big ol’ Turtles fan and I don’t really trust Platinum Dunes, in my opinion most of the films they’ve made have sucked copious amounts of male genitalia. So, here is a fool-proof guide to making a bad ass TMNT movie:

1. Go Back to the original comics. Mostly. Kind of.

• Seriously, the latest cartoon was pretty successful for it’s first few seasons – largely because the folk behind it managed to blend the comics and the public perceptions of TMNT together. Do that. If you do that, you’ve a higher chance of pleasing everyone.

2. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.

• For just about everyone who isn’t a massive TMNT fan, The Turtles story is all about The Shredder. Without Shredder, they a’int really interested. So have The Shredder play a Lex Luthor role, in the background manipulating people and events. That way you don’t have to kill him off in Movie 1 (that’s the only way for The Shredder story to end) and won’t have to resort to bullshit to try and convince people to come back.

3. This isn’t the 80′s.

• Catchphrases! Awesome! Gnarly! Bodacious! Everyone was spouting them in the 80′s. TMNT made speaking like a brain-dead surfer cool… nowadays they’re just silly and we will laugh at them. Don’t do it, the Turtles don’t need that crap.

4. Serious. But not too serious. Silly. But not too silly.

• The original comics are serious – but that’s the joke. It’s playing the crazy concept of giant humanoid Turtle Ninjas straight, and that’s why it’s funny. We don’t need a Dark Knight-esque level of seriousness (hell, we didn’t even need that for Batman) – do not listen to anyone clamouring for that. But don’t make it too stupid either.

5. Genuine Ninja Shit.

• Note: In Secret Of The Ooze, hitting bad guys over the head with inflatable toys and sausages is not bad ass Ninja Shit. That’s stupid.

6. Watch the first movie over and over and over again.

• Best Turtles movie ever. Make a movie like that, it was serious, it was funny, it was dark and it was light. It was all things to all Turtle fans. Tonally, that movie is what you need to make. Just remember to pay attention to points 1-5.

Follow these guidelines and you’ll be onto a winner.

Fin.
Next Time: The Spider-Man reboot.