Marty Michaels

And so we come to this. The blog that when posted on Bebo created four pages of commets/arguments. The death toll was in the thousands, NATO peacekeepers were called in, the rebuilding effort continues to this day. Reposted here unedited as a museum peice, I give you the list that sparked the power keg that was the Great Bebo War of 2010.

And the geeky lists just keep on comin’ (though, I suspect this may be the geekiest.) Han Solo ain’t shit without his blaster and Captain America aint shit without his shield so, with that in mind let’s take a look at the top ten fictional weapons. Onward!

10. THE POWER SWORD from “He-Man and the Masters of the Universe”

Who honestly wouldn’t want a go at the Power Sword? Hold that thing up and yell “I HAVE THE POWER” and you go from zero to hero in less time than it takes the Filmation people to draw some scribbes on an animation cell. Plus, it’ll turn your cat into a green tiger, and that’s something everyone can enjoy.

9. DL-44 HEAVY BLASTER PISTOL from “Star Wars”

Based on the German broom handled Mauser and made famous by Han Solo, the coolest motherfucker to ever sport a waistcoat, the DL-44 heavy blaster pistol is the sci fi equivilent of the old west gun slinger’s sixgun: solid, rugged and reliable. The perfect weapon for whiling away the hours blasting Stormtroopers.

8. CAPTAIN AMERICA’S SHIELD from “Captain America”

It may not look like much, but in the right hands (ie. Cap’s) the unassuming red, white and blue shield is not only an incredible defensive weapon, but a potentially deadly offensive weapon. An vibranium-iron alloy (according to the always-reliable Wikipedia, anyway), Cap’s shield is indestructable and yet to be bettered when it comes to Nazi bashing.

7. BAT’LETH from “Star Trek: The Next Generation”

I’ve found that when I write these lists there’s very often an entry where alI I can write is “just fucking look at that thing.” Well, boys and girls, we have reached that point. Just. Fucking. Look. If that’s not the most lethal looking thing your eyes have ever beheld then you’re a better man than I. The Bat’leth is so badass, in fact, that a replica Bat’leth was seized by police in England as “potential evidence of a criminal lifestyle.” Now THAT’s badass.

6. MJOLNIR from “The Mighty Thor”

Now, I know what you’re thinking, “it’s a hammer, so what?” Well, take a gander at what’s written on the side: “Whosoever holds this hammer, if he be worthy, shall possess the power of Thor.” That means that whoever holds that hammer is a fucking GOD. Who wouldn’t wanna be a god for the day? Smiting is fun, after all. What’s cool is that not everyone is worthy to wield Mjolnir – one of the few non-Thor types to be able to lift it was Captain America himself in Mighty Thor 390, which is a great comic by the way. “Avengers…ASSEMBLE!”

5. THE GOLDEN GUN from “The Man With The Golden Gun”

Who knew a lighter, a cigarette case, a pen and a cufflink could be so lethal. That said, the man with the golden gun was Fransico Scaramanga played by Christopher Lee who we already established is the best Dracula ever, so in the hands of the king of the vampires would you expect anything less? Scaramanga was not only the owner of the world’s coolest gun, but also the world’s best assasin, charging a million dollars a hit. Put it this way, Q WISHES he could create something as badass as the golden gun.

4. THE POWER RING from “Green Lantern”

Feared by the forces of darkness the universe over, the power rings of the Green Lantern Corps are some of the most badass weapons ever created. The power rings of the GLC have the ability to create anything the wearer can imagine, giving the wearer almost limitless power. Intergalactic policemen, the members of the Green Lantern Corps are charged with keeping the peace across the universe, so, ya know, limitless power is helpful when dealing with all manner of evil aliens. Slip one one, take the oath, steer clear of anything yellow and enjoy yourself.

3. TYPE II HAND PHASER from “Star Trek: The Original Series”

Sure, it may look like a glue gun, but the ST:TOS phasers are the most kick ass weapons this side of Alpha Centauri. Available in hand held or pistol form, the phaser is an awesome weapon due to it’s alternate power settings: stun and kill. How handy would that be? Long line at the bank? Set phaser to stun! Wife annoying you? Set phaser to stun! People talking in the cinema? Set phaser to stun! Well, kill in that case. Wielded most famously by Captain James T. Kirk, the phaser is a classic peice of intergalactic weaponry. Set phasers to awesome!

2. PROTON PACK from “Ghostbusters”

When you absolutley, positivley have to bust every motherfucking ghost in the room – accept no substitutes. An unlicenced nuclear accelerator (or positron collider, if you will) that charges a particle beam which is fired by the proton gun at ghosts in order to weaken them and guide them into a ghost trap. I have no idea what that means, but it sounds fucking awesome. Built by genius savant Egon Spengler and used against an assortment of ghosts, demons and giant marshmallows, the proton packs are almost as kick ass as fictional weapons get. Just don’t cross the streams. That would be bad.

1. LIGHTSABER from “Star Wars”

Obi Wan Kenobi said it better than I ever could: “This is the weapon of a Jedi Knight. Not as clumsy or random as a blaster; an elegant weapon for a more civilized age.” Nicely put, Ben. When you consider that the “Star Wars” trilogy is made of pure undiluted win, is it any wonder that the iconic weapon of Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader nabs the top spot on this list? To be honest though, the sound effect alone catapults the lightsaber to the number one spot. The lightsaber is the coolest fictional weapon ever. Search your feelings – you know it to be true.

Agree? Disagree? Comments below, ta. End transmission.

Tags: fictional, top ten, weapons