Marty Michaels

In life we will meet lots of different people. Sometimes we will come across people who are utter and complete assholes. Sadly, the assholes we meet in real life aren’t usually as charismatic as those in the movies, so here, for your approval, are my top ten movie assholes.

10. OTTO WEST from A Fish Called Wanda

Played by Kevin Kline, Otto kicks off our list of movie assholes. A foot fetishist who reads (but doesn’t understand) Nietzsche, Otto is a grade A asshole, but the fish scene alone earns him a place on the list. Only a complete and utter dickhead would feed a man his own beloved fish, but feed him Otto does with hilariously douchebaggy results. Like all the best assholes, he gets his comeuppance in a manner most awesome when he is run over by a steamroller driven by an out-for-vengence Michael Palin. Just don’t call him stupid.

9. WALTER PECK from Ghostbusters

Who ya gonna call? Not this dickhead, that’s for damn sure. An agent of the Environmental Protection Agency, an a constant thorn in the Ghostbusters’ collective side, Walter Pecker, uh, Peck, is a prick to the last, arguing with the Ghostbusters in the Mayor’s office when the city is under threat from supernatural badguys. But all the supernatural badguys in the world aren’t as annoying as Peck. And yes, the man has no dick.

8. CAPTAIN THADDEUS HARRIS from Police Academy

The thorn in the side of the one Steve Guttenberg character that I don’t want to stab and a US prime, grade A stamped asshole, Captain Harris, played by G.W. Bailey, is possibly the best thing about the Police Academy movies, although he is absent from 2 and 3. The movies take a nosedive after the first one, but the showstealing douchebaggery from Captain Harris is always watchable. Now move it, move it, move it! Pick it up, assholes!

7. RICHARD VERNON from The Breakfast Club

The quintessential teacher who takes himself too seriously and, when given an inch of power, takes a mile. Arch nemesis of the coolest kid in the detention room, John Bender and master of the bizarre put down (“you mess with the bull, you’re gonna get the horns”) when he’s not making life a misery for Emilo Estevez and Molly Ringwald, Mr. Vernon likes to sneak around and dig up dirt on his fellow teachers. What a dick. And next time he comes in here, he’s crackin’ skulls.

6. BILL DAGGET from Unforgiven

One of those movie assholes who are played by an actor so charasmatic that you cant help but like him, despite the fact that he is an utter, utter prick. When some douchebag cowboy beats the shit out of a prostitute in Big Whisky, Wyoming, Sheriff “Little” Bill Daggett lets him off with a whipping. Despite this, Little Bill can be a brutal disiplinarian when he feels like it, beating Richard Harris to a bloody pulp and murdering Morgan Freeman and putting his body on display as a warning. Will Clint Eastwood stand for this shit? Will he fuck. In the end Little Bill gets what he deserves – even though deserve’s got nothin’ to do with it.

5. CLUBBER LANG from Rocky III

I thought long and hard about wether Clubber or Ivan Drago from Rocky IV most deserved a place on the list. Drago killed Appollo Creed and was a remorseless fuck about it, after all, but his last minute attitude shift (“I fight for ME!”) kinda redeems him a little bit. Besides, you get the impression that Drago’s simply doing a job whilst Clubber on the other hand is a bastard from beginning to end, bulldozing his way through the professional ranks to get a shot at the title. He insults Rocky’s manhood, kills his manager and hands him his arse, scowling all the while and creating the legend of Mr. T. His prediction? Pain…

4. JOHNNY LAWRENCE from The Karate Kid

Like Drago, Johhny has a last minute change of heart, but his utter, utter dickheadishness for the hour and a half before that mean that despite his final reel redemption, he still places high on the list. Trained by John Kreese, himself a prime asshole, at the Cobra Kai dojo, itself a training ground for assholes, Johnny is the kind of kid that learns karate not to find his centre or any hippy bullshit like that, but to kick fucking ass on the playground. Not the kind of kid you want to have pressuring you for your lunch money and the kind of little fucking bastard that, despite his “redemption” in the last moments, probably went running back to Kreese and resumed his asskicking of weaker kids the very next day. Incredible resemblence to Owen Hart notwithstanding, the guy’s a dick. Sweep the leg, Johnny. Sweep the fucking leg.

3. DOUGLAS C. NIEDERMEYER from National Lampoon’s Animal House

An asshole so hated, so loathed that ten years after the movie came out, Dee Snider found the actor and put him in two of Twisted Sister’s videos where he gets the utter crap kicked out of him. Played to sneering perfection by Mark Metcalf, Niedermeyer’s ceaseless torture of Flounder (let’s be honest, of all the Animal House characters, we all most closeley resembled Flounder at college) makes him perfect for this list. Along with his lackey Greg Marmalard, Niedermeyer’s sole goal in life is to make life a living hell for the residents of Delta House, the ultimate frathouse. His assholery didn’t end when he finished college, though. According to the movie, he was shot by his own troops in ‘Nam. The prick. Now drop and give him twenty!

2. BIFF TANNEN from Back to the Future

Wether it’s 1985 Biff, 1955 Biff, 2015 Biff, alternate-1985 Biff or 1885 Biff, you can be sure of one thing. If he’s a Tannen, he’s an asshole. Making life a misery for the McFlys is a Tannen family tradition, at least untill Marty changed all that and reduced the once-great asshole to waxing George McFly’s car. It was a sad day for assholes all over the world. But the sheer and utter dickheadery that led up to that moment makes it all worthwhile. From shooting Doc Brown, to almost dateraping Lorraine McFly, to crashing George’s car and making George pay to dry clean his suit (he spilled beer on it when he crashed, y’see), to killing George and marrying Lorraine in an alternate 1985, to stealing the DeLorean and wiping himself out of extistence – this stuff can make your head spin. Suffice to say, Biff, and all his decendants, are assholes. Butthead.

1. CAPTAIN RHODES from Day of the Dead

Like there was any other choice. The baddest motherfucker in the history of zombie cinema, the best thing about an already awesome movie and , officially, the biggest asshole on movie history, ladies and gentlemen, I give you Captain Rhodes. The man in charge after the death of his commanding officer and a man who has had enough and isn’t gonna take it anymore, goddamnit. There’s fucking zombies everywhere and the science team want to study them? To hell with that. Turning the air blue with the kind of epic swearing that Tarantino can only dream of, Rhodes is the kind of guy that talks a good talk AND walks a good walk, but when the going gets too tough, he turns tail and gets the fuck out of there, leaving his lackies to do the dirty work. The prick. Played by Joe Pilato (who deserved an Oscar), Rhodes is, without doubt, the biggest asshole of all time. Plus, best fucking death ever. Now go on and run, run you fucking lunatics.

There it is, the top ten most dickheaded douchebags in film history. Comment below if you agree, disagree, or just want to tell me how awesome I am. End transmission.

Tags: assholes, movies, top ten