Top Ten… Sci-Fi Characters Chris Hansen Might Be Interested In Talking To!
This list was inspired by a series of conversations with a certain Mr. James Boyd, so don’t come to me with your nonsense and complaints. Anyway, for those who don’t know who Chris Hansen is, here’s a link:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chris_Hansen
And with that in mind, let’s have a look at his top ten sci fi/comics/whatever hitlist. Onward!
10. CLARK KENT/SUPERMAN from SUPERMAN
Out of all the people in the world who could do with a helping hand from the Man of Steel, the one guy Supes gives a signal-watch (a device that looks like a watch but actually emits a high-pitched sonic frequency that only Superman can hear) to the Daily Planet’s cub reporter Jimmy Olsen? There’s something not quite right going on there. That being said, the Last Son of Krypton’s later marriage to Lois Lane absolves him of any guilt.
9. CAPTAIN APOLLO from BATTLESTAR GALACTICA
Apollo always seemed to leave the womanizing to Starbuck, have you ever noticed that? Maybe he engineered the death of Serina so he could have sole custody of Boxey. Nah, Apollo was too nice a guy to do something like that, besides he was too busy colonising his viper in Sheba to take an unhealthy interest in young Boxey.
8. INDIANA JONES from INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM
What I wanna know is, how did Indy and Short Round meet? Was Indy prowling the backstreets of the slums of Shanghai at the time – and if so what was he doing there? And, more to the point, why did no one report his nocturnal prowlings to the staff of Marshall College. I mean I know the world was a different place in 1935, but come on.
7. QUI-GON JINN from STAR WARS EPISODE I: THE PHANTOM MENACE
His constant reffering to Obi-Wan as his “young apprentice” coupled with an unhealthy interest in young Anakin’s “midichlorians,” make it clear why Obi-Wan grew up to become the farmboy hungry predator he was. What seperates Qui-Gon from Obi-Wan however is the fact that Obi-Wan showed zero interest in women, while Qui-Gon’s shameless flirting with Anakin’s mum lets him off the hook. Just.
6. DR. EMMETT BROWN from BACK TO THE FUTURE
All the trademarks of the predator are there from the hanging out with people half his age to luring young men into his car; can’t you just see Doc insiting to Marty that the back of his van really, honestly, swear to God, IS a time machine? That said, he hooks up with Clara in BTTF3, so maybe he was on the straight and narrow all along.
5. NEELIX from STAR TREK: VOYAGER
Neelix, ship’s cook and “morale officer” on board the USS Voyager was obsessed with kids to the point that almost all of his spare time was spent in the holodeck with little Niomi Wildman and tucking in the rest of the Voyager kids at night. Shades of Apollo Adama too in that when he eventually got off Voyager he shacked up with a widow and her young son. And it’s no coincidence that his girlfriend was Ocampan a race with a lifespan of only nine years, either.
4. PAZUZU from THE EXORCIST
Pazuzu (telling everyone he’s the devil himself, of course) possesses the body of a 12 year old girl and forces her to do all manner of unspeakable things to herself with a crucifix? To quote Richard Pryor, “the devil’s a low motherfucker, Jack.” That said, the fact that Pazuzu is a demon kinda-sorta-not really excuses him since that sort of deviat sexual behaviour is expected of a being of pure evil.
3. STEVE ROGERS/CAPTAIN AMERICA from CAPTAIN AMERICA
It’s was a sad day when the Sentinel of Liberty himself proved to be immune to the charms of his teenage sidekick Bucky. Well, ok, so nothing ever actually happened, but his obsession with the death of the youngster and his unhealthy fixation on Rick Jones make Cap somewhat suspect. For a solid ten, fifteen years you couldn’t pick up a CapAm book without reading about how guilty he felt about Bucky. Guilty about what, exactly, Steve? That is the question.
2. OBI-WAN KENOBI from STAR WARS EPISODE IV: A NEW HOPE
Order 66 wasn’t the reason Obi-Wan went into hiding on Tatooine. The real reason? The Empire got wind of his extracurricular activities involving luring young farmboys to bars in Mos Eisley and put a price on the sick fuck’s head so large every bounty hunter in the galaxy was scouring the universe looking for him. Last seen luring Luke Skywalker into Chalmun’s Cantina and offering Han Solo seventeen thousand credits to get him “and the boy” off world – with “no questions asked.”
1. BRUCE WAYNE/BATMAN from BATMAN
And so it comes to this. Since the introduction of Robin in 1940, rumours, speculation and half truths have hung around the be-cowled head of Bruce Wayne like flies round shit. After all, this is a case of a fully grown millionaire playboy inviting a young, impressionable orphan to live in his plush mansion – and not only that – but to don bright green underwear and hang out on dark rooftops with his guardian in the night. Nah, something not quite right there. Besides, we have pictoral evidence of his sexual deviance.
Goddamned Batman? Goddamned pervert is more like it.
Disgusted with either the writers of such filth or, indeed, me for writing about it? Comments below! End transmission.
Comments
Comment from James Boyd
Time April 12, 2010 at 3:57 pm
Thought i’d throw another one into the mix, what about Professor Xavier? He runs a school for “gifted” youngsters and can control minds, strange mix there.
Comment from Marty Michaels
Time April 15, 2010 at 1:53 am
He’s a dirty bald bastard right enough. May have to do a part two for this list.
Comment from James Tyler
Time March 10, 2010 at 2:07 am
Superman – the only thing that really got me was the last movie. I didn’t think it was brilliant, nor did I think it was shit. It had some moments I liked… though I’m not alone in finding it odd that he was peeking through the windows to spy on Lois.
Indy… I don’t know. That could be passed off as cheeky kid trying to sell something, not in a Mrs Lashley way, and he liked the kids spunk. I’m not making this any better…
I was waiting for the Neelix mention. Thats where good intentions in the writing go a little… strange. It’s nice to have a caring, mothering character. But, would you let your kid hang about with this? If Neelix lived in our time, he’s be Micahel Jackson’d.
The Doc-MArty relationship… I never got that. It was a good pairing, but with a complete lack of back story it is a little shady as to how they met. Sure, a mad scientist could do with a protoge, but does Mart McFly seem the type who’s going down the road of being a mad scientist himself?
Batman… well, he’s the same. Young protoge, both orphans… theres a good connection there, but at what point did he present the boy with spandex? I’ve heard a similar story occurring not too far from me, in a training camp Rutherglen.