Top Ten… Unsung Return of the Jedi Moments!
And so we come to the final installment of the original Star Wars trilogy: Return of the Jedi. Saying Return of the Jedi is the least of the original SW movies reminds me of that old saying about sex – even when it’s band, it’s still pretty fucking good. ROTJ (doesn’t “arr-oh-tee-jay” roll off the tongue beautifully?) has plenty in it to love, despite the over reliance on cutesy silliness, so here’s my top ten unsung ROTJ moments. Onward!
10. Artoo states the obvious.
There’s a great throwaway moment on Jabba’s sail barge where Threepio bumps into Artoo and knocks a tray of drink off of Artoo’s head. Being the unerringly polite chap that he is, Threepio apologies before realising that it’s his little pal Artoo that he’s bumped into. So, he asked Artoo what he’s up to and after Artoo beeps and whilstles, Threepio says “well, I can see you’re serving drinks” which means Artoo must’ve said something along the lines of “serving drinks, braniac, what’s it look like I’m doing?” I love that smartmouthed little droid.
9. Drunk Chicken Walker.
After a distinct lack of drunken characters in TESB, the traidition of the drunn Jawas in ANH continues with the drunken AT-ST on Endor. Attempting a balancing act on some logs, the Chicken Walker does a great bendy-legged jig in a vain yet valliant attempt to maintain a vertical base. It’s a great bit of stop-motion animation that would’ve made Harryhausen proud.
8. Sad Rancor keeper.
Another life lesson taught to generation after generation courtesy of George Lucas: everyone, no matter how ugly or wierd, has someone who loves them. After Luke battles and defeats the Rancor (for years I though it was prounounced “ransor,” incidentally) by tossing a skull at a control panel causing a huge ass door to drop down, crushing the Rancor to death. After the fight, the Rancor’s keeper rushes in and, upon seeing his dead pet begins blubbering tears of pure, unadultered sorrow. Tragic stuff, that, to be honest, kinda makes Luke look like a bit on an asshole.
7. What did he say?
Here’s the situation: you’ve just blown up the Death Star and saved the galaxy. There’s a nice fat paycheck waiting for you back at base and no doubt foxy mamas from all over the universe will want to have your children. What do you do? Do you: A. laugh and scream like a loon? B. laugh and scream like a maniac? Or C. kinda mumble out some halfassed laughter? Nein Numb chose C. How exactly Lando can understand the mumblings of his co-pilot escapes me, but it’s hilarious watching his supremley understated reaction to the destruction of the Death Star.
6. Lando Calrissian: worst spy ever.
Speaking of Lando, here’s something I never noticed for years even though it’s massivley obvious. A textbook case of missing the forest for the trees, I never noticed Lando’s staggering lack of subtlety when he’s working undercover in Jabba’s palace. Lando, like his buddy Han Solo, has a bit of a reputation as a scoundrel and gambler throughout the galaxy and so he disguises himself as a skiff guard. We all know Lando likes playing dressup ( the end of TESB where he dresses in Han’s clothes, not to mention his cape on Bespin) and he pretty much blends into the background in his skiff guard costume but Lando pisses all over his disguise by pulling his mask completley off his face exposing his identity to anyone who cared to look.
5. Han’s dad.
Ok, so the rebels are on Endor, right? There’s Han, Leia, Chewie, the droids (for no good reason) and a ton of rebel soldiers. The best and the brightest selected for a very dangerous mission. Young men, fit and able to navigate dangerous terrain and take on any threat that rears its head. Or not. Who the fuck thought it was a good idea to bring the old guy along? Seriously, look at the guy, he’s about ten million years old. Who the fuck is he, Han’s dad? John Hammond? Santa Claus? Worse yet, this idiot has the brilliant idea of dressing up as a Scout Trooper so he can blend in. Yeah, great idea gramps… until Chewie bowcasters you all to hell, thinking you’re a legit Imperial troop. Worst of all, I just googled the guy and it turns out his name is “Nik Sant.” Oh, how fucking hilarious.
4. Hotties at Jabba’s place.
Say what you like about Jabba being a vile scumbag, the guy knew a thing or two about window dressing. Considering he lives in a palace surrounded by some of the ugliest dudes this side of Mos Eisley, can you really blame him for keeping a hot chick or two nearby? Until the arrivial of Princess Leia and the gold bikini that turned many a boy into a man, number one amongst Jabba’s harem was the Twi’lek slave girl Oola, a green skinned cutie (thanks, Star Trek) who famously has a bit of a wardrobe malfunction shortly before her death in the Rancor pit. What I wanna know is, did Jabba have a wardrobe full of gold bikinis in all sizes or did he have to have one made for Leia? In fact, on second thoughts, I don’t care one bit.
3. B-Wings: WTF?
Ok, so X-Wings are X shaped, A-Wings are A shaped (kinda), Y-Wings are Y shaped (sorta), so why the heck are B-Wings called B-Wings? T-Wings would maybe be a better name, but the name isn’t the issue here. The issue here is, I want to fly an B-Wing, and I want to fly one now. They have the coolest cockpit design in the entire Trilogy, why, cause it has some sort of gyroscope in it causing the pilot to always remain stationery, even if the ship is flying upside down or doing corkscrews or whatever. Originally the Falcon was intended to have the same sort of cockpit but, for whatever reason it didn’t happen. The problem with B-Wings, however, was the fact that seemingly every B-Wing pilot was an utter pussy since, after they sign in before the Battle of Endor, they don’t seem to take part in the battle at all.
2. Fett dies like a bitch.
Fuck Boba Fett. I will never understand the popularity of Fett, who has a legion of fanboys despite not actually doing much except stand around and fly his ugly ass ship. Anyway, so Fett’s taking an utter age to aim his flame thrower at Luke on Jabba’s sail barge and unbeknownst to him, a blind Han Solo is behind him with a big pole. Chewie warns Han that Fett is behind him and Han utters the immortal line “Boba Fett? Where?” Han turns round, his stick hits Fett in the ass, setting of Fett’s jetpack and sending him flying into the Great Pit of Carkoon. The kicker? The Sarlacc fucking burps after it eats Fett. Yep, the badass bounty hunter gets reduced to a burp joke. Despite a wealth of bullshit extended universe fiction nonsense that claims Fett somehow survived, Lucas has said that what happens in the movies is canon and EU stuff is naught but fanwank. Sorry fanboys, Fett is dead. And he died like a bitch.
1. “It’s a trap!”
Star Wars has become a globabl phenomenon, but one of the few SW moments that has become an Internet meme involves that crazy fish headed military commander Admiral Ackbar yelling three words that have become Internet legend: “it’s a trap!” Ackbar masterminded the attack on Death Star II and called the action, Gorilla Monsoon style, from his floating chair on the rebel baseship. His plan suceedes, of course, and the Death Star is blown up courtesy of Wedge Antilles, Lando Calrissian and Nein Numb, making the universe safe again. Until, of course, the Star Destroyer Executor shows up after the credits gave rolled and deliver teh pwnage and the wreckage of the Death Star rained down on Endor killing everyone on the planet. Despite what may or may not have happened after the Death Star was destroyed, it’s undeniable that Ackbar is a man who knows a trap when he sees one. Or a tarp, or a harp, a carp, a map, a cap, a crap, La Trappe, a frap, Barack, or anything else the fine people at /b/ would care to come up with.
Notice something about this list? Yeah, there’s no Ewoks! The number one bone of contention when it comes to Jedi and they don’t feature on this list? That’s because my much hyped Super Secret Fourth Part of this series is (drumroll please) THE ALL EWOK EDITION! Bet you can’t fucking wait, can you. Anyway, leave me a comment if you have anything to say and stay tuned for the attack of the Ewoks. Be afraid… be very afraid. End transmission.
PS – Just a quick shout out to anyone who sent me a text or message or anything when I was in hospital. You know who you are, and I thank you. The transmission? End it.
