10. BULLITT (1968)

Steve McQueen with an upside down shoulder holster and a green Mustang? Shit yeah. Based on real life Bay Area cop Dave Toschi (as was Dirty Harry, to some extent) Frank Bullitt is a no nonsense cop in a no nonsense movie with a no nonsense title. What’s it about? Bullitt. What’s it called? Bullitt. What comes out his gun? Bullits. MIND BULLITTS.

9. ROPE (1948)

One of Hitchcock’s most underrated films, Rope is one of his most tense, one of his most brilliantly acted and one of my favorites. After two college graduates kill their freind and have a dinner party with his corpse in the room, James Stewart, playing against type as a bit of an asshole, slowly works out what’s happened and slowly racks up the tension, applying more and more pressure on the murderers until they – and the audience – reach breaking point. And, no, of course it wasn’t all filmed in one take.

8. CASINO (1995)

Honestly? I think Casino is ten times the movie GoodFellas is. GoodFellas is all about Henry Hill (played by Ray “what happened to my career?” Liotta) making Bambi eyes and pretending to be remourseful about his criminal past when, in actual fact, he’s nothing but a stooge and a coward, while Casino is about real gangsters, doing real gangster shit. One man’s rise to power and his eventual downful, Casino is, like GoodFellas, stunningly lensed and mesmerisingly acted, but, unlike GoodFellas, it pulls no punches.

7. HALLOWEEN (1978)

The film that launched the slasher genre and the careers of John Carpenter and Jamie Lee Curtis, Halloween is rightly remembered as one of the best films of its kind. Who knew a man in a William Shatner mask could be so bloody scary? John Carpenter, that’s who. The classic images of the film, coupled with the genuinley unnerving soundtrrack – composed by Carpenter – make for essential horror viewing that, even today, still has the power to creep audiences out.

6. ROCKY (1976)

One of the all time great feel-good movies, Rocky is, nonetheless, quite a downbeat affair, especially compared to the later films in the series. Sure, Rocky loses the fight and gets beat to a bloody pulp, but along the way he finds love, friendship and realises that he has something to live for. The later films may have tarnished the reputation of the original, but it remains one of my all time favorite films and one that, if I come across it on TV, I’m compelled to watch to the end.

5. SCARFACE (1932/1983)


Whether you’re talking about the 1932 original or its more widley seen Al Pacino starring remake, there’s no denying that Scarface is a powerful movie. The remake is a rare example of a remake being better than the original, but both are classic examples of gangster cinema. The original stars Paul Muni as Itallian thug-turned-kingpin Tony Camonte and the remake, of course, boasts an incredible performance from Al Pacino as thug-turned-drug lord Tony Montana

4. PSYCHO (1960)

Based on a novel by Robert Bloch, Psycho is Alfred Hitchcock’s most well known film and the film that he’ll forever be remembered for, Psycho is, in actual fact far from Hitchcock’s best film, but the fact that Hitch was betteron his worst day than most are on their best makes Psycho a classic. Single handedly creating the slasher genre, there’s actually very little blood in the film, regardless of the film’s gory reputation. The masterfully edited “shower scene” is worth the price of admission alone, but for my money, the death of Detective Arbogast is the more shocking scene.

3. CASABLANCA (1942)

I’m shocked that it’s taken this long for me to get around to writing about Casablanca on this site. I mentioned it in passing on the “original casting choices” list, but that was more an excuse to wax lyrical about how awesome Bogart was than anything else. One of the all time classics of any genre and the perfect example of how “they don’t make ‘em like they used to” Casablanca is a close to perfect movie. From the pitch perfect performances from a cast comprised soley of Hollywood legends to the brilliantly tight plotting and snappy dialouge, Casablanca should be required viewing for anyone with even a passing intrest in film. I don’t care if you’re a gorehound, a Western fan, a rom-com junkie or whatever, if you haven’t already done so, you need to see Casablanca.

2. UNFORGIVEN (1992)

There are two types of people in the world: John Wayne fans and Clint Eastwood fans. John Wayne fans are people who see the world in black and white (the bad guys are irredeemably bad and the good guys are saints) whereas Clint Eastwood fans tend to see the world in shades of grey. Me/ I’ve got a lot of time for the Duke, but Clint is not only a hundred times more badass in every concievable way, but is much more grounded in reality. The good guys don’t always win and sometimes the “good” guys are just as corrupt and immoral as the “bad.” Clint’s masterpeice, Unforgiven, bears this out, with Clint playing William Munny, the culmination of every gunslinger and cowboy he ever played, from Rowdy Yates to Josey Wales. Gene Hackman, Morgan Freeman and Richard Harris are all on top form, but it’s Eastwood’s movie, and it’s brilliant. Interesting theory: at the end of the movie we learn that Munny moved to San Fransico and “prospered in dry goods.” I like to imagine that, to avoid unwanted attention, he changed his name to “Callaghan” and had a grandson who went into law enforcment…

1. JAWS (1975)

The film that made people sit up and notice Steven Speilberg, the film that scared people out of the water and the film at the number one spot on our list today is 1975′s Jaws. The first true “blockbuster” movie, it paved the way for such “event movies” as Star Wars and Avatar, but more than that, it played to a deep and very primal fear that all human beings have: the fear of the unknown. Never before had a film so effectivley played to our fear of what lies beneath and touched such a nerve with so many people as Jaws. Shark movies have been made since (including three increasingly risable sequels) but none have been able to recreate the fear – nay, terror – of Jaws. The title is iconic now, but in 1975 it must have been a strange title indeed, as it doesn’t tell the viewer anything about the film. Had it been made twenty years before it would’ve been called Attack of the Shark or something equally silly, but the cryptic title can only have added to the movie’s appeal. Thirty years on, and everybody – whether they’ve seen it or not – knows exactly what you’re talking about when you say the word Jaws to them and that, ladies and gentlemen, is the mark of a great movie title.

Honorable mentions in no particular order to:

1. Vertigo (1958)
Another Hitchcock classic.
2. Dracula/Frankenstein (1931)
The monster movies that started it all.
3. Spartacus (1960)
No, not the shitty TV show. The best movie of its kind ever made.
4. Seven (1995)
Intense and creepy, with a three brilliant performances from Freeman, Pitt and Spacey.
5. Clerks (1994)
He may be a bloated self parody now, but once upon a time Kevin Smith made a masterpeice. It was called Clerks.
6. Platoon (1986)
They say “war is hell.” This film shows that they’re not lying.
7. Goldfinger (1964)
It’s not the best Bond movie, but it’s pretty darn good.
8. Rambo (2008)
After the excess of the sequels, Stallone takes Rambo back to his roots.
9. Metropolis (1927)
Silent cinema at it’s best. A nightmare vision of the future.
10. Alien (1979)
In space, everyone can hear you say “Alien is awesome.”

What a movie is called is every bit as important as the content of the movie. After all, a masterpeice with a terrible title isn’t going to draw an audience. Similarly, if you make a movie that you know is shit, you can always slap a really snappy title and hope to hell that’ll bring people in – just as Roger Corman. Anyway, let me know your favorite one word movie titles and stick around for the next installment in our never ending series of top tens. End transmission.

10. Ghostface from Scream (1996)

One of the most recognised characters in recent horror history, the Edvard Munch inspired killer from the Scream movies would’ve placed way higher on this list if not for one thing: lazy people. Go to any Haloween party anywhere in the world and you’ll see at least nineteen thousand lazy assholes who bought a 5.99 Scream costume and a rubber knife. It’s been done to death and I’m sick of seeing it. If at any point in your life you’ve gone to a Haloween party dressed as Ghostface, then begone from this site and never darken my door again.

9. The Robot Gunslinger from WestWorld (1973)

Ok, this might be a wierd choice, but hear me out. A silent, black clad, sinister figure with inhuman strength and resiliance who has a single minded determination to kill and no matter how many times you think you’ve killed him he keeps on coming back to get you. Is that Michael Myers or the Robot Gunslinger? I rest my case. Yul Brynner’s brilliantly sinister send up of his heroic man in black from The Magnificent Seven, the Robot Gunslinger from WestWorld is a proto-slasher villain. As is…

8. The Xenomorph from Alien (1979)

Again, supernaturally strong and resiliant, black in colour, fucking terrifying and determinded to get the kill; a silent killer stalking the crew of the Nostromo down spooky corridors. Like the best slasher villains, the Alien eventually kills all but one of the crew – in classic slasher style, a resiliant young woman – before eventually being outwitted and killed.

7. Santa Claus from Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)

Santa Claus, that jolly old elf who brings love and joy at Christmastime seems like an odd choice for a slasher villain, but that’s the point. Kinda like how the Joker (except in The Dark Knight) doesn’t seem scary at first, Santa Claus is a character that kids and adults instinctivley trust. Santa would never do anything bad, right? Wrong. In the US, there was public outcry when this film was released, with people picketing in the streets, complaining that the movie ruined Santa’s “good name.” Proof positive, ladies and gentlemen, that some people have way to much time on their hands.

6. Chucky from Child’s Play (1988)

Exploiting the same kind of dictomtomy that Silent Night, Deadly Night used (with a liberal dose of that Twilight Zone episode with the talking doll thrown in too) the evil doll from the Child’s Play series just misses out on a stop in the top five. Voiced by the emminently creepy Brad Dourif, Chucky has appeared in five movies as well as, bizarrley, a WCW pay-per-view. Played reasonably straight in the original, Chucky has, like Freddy Krueger, become more and more of a clown as the series progressed, with his last two outings in particular being played more for laughs than scares.

5. Leatherface from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)

Whilst many slasher movie badguys are blamed for inspiring real-life violence, only a handful have themselves been inspired by real-life events. One such fictional killer is Leatherface from the Texas Chainsaw series. Like, Chucky, later movies in the series were more comedy than horror, so let’s concertrate on the original movie in which Leatherface is less a human killer and more an elemental force of nature, bursting, chainsaw screaming, from doorways and hiding places, killing with an inhuman rage. Inspired by the killer Ed Gein (more on him later), Leatherface was played by Gunnar Hansen in the original Tobe Hooper classic. The remake, though not as good as the original, is still worth a watch, if only for Jessica Biel in a tight t shirt.

4. Jason Voorhees from Friday the 13th (1980)

Slasher villains seem to fall into two camps: the flamboyant wisecrackers like Freddy and Chucky and the silent but deadly types like Michael Myers and, of course, Jason Voorhees. Jason’s hockeymasked visage (the first two movies notwithstanding) is one of the most famous images of modern horror and it’s testament to the popularity of the character that he was chosen to face off against Fred Krueger in Freddy vs. Jason (which could easily have been Freddy vs. Michael). A lot of people tend not to give Jason a fair swing of the machette, probably due to memories of watching one of the pretty dire later sequels, but the original movie, and the second and third sequels (that’s parts 3 and 4 for those not paying attention) are well worth another look, especially if you’ve not seen them in a while.

3. Norman Bates from Psycho (1960)

The grandaddy – or, more accuratley, the grandmother – of them all. Every deranged wierdo who ever grabbed something sharp and slaughtered some hotties in the woods owed his very existence to Norman Bates. Or, to give the devil his due, to Ed Gein, who provided the inspiration for young Master Bates (couldn’t resist). A killer from the backwoods of Wisconisin, Gein’s catalouge of atrocities included using human bones and skin to make furniture, keeping a collection of female naughty bits (including his mother’s painted silver) in a shoebox under his bed and, most disturbingly, dancing in the moonlight wearing a suit made out of the skin of his victims. Norman Bates never went quite that far, but, for better or worse, he still gave birth to the slasher genre.

2. Michael Myers from Halloween (1978)

Probably the first slasher villain of modern horror, John Carpenter’s silent, deadly and seemingly immortal creation Michael Myers has made the 31st of October a pain in the arse for the resisdents of Haddonfield since 1978. Originally known as “The Shape” Myers immediatley became a sensation and an icon of horror, wisely being kept mostly in the shadows or around the edge of the frame in the original to build up his mystique, but even the overexposure of the later films (not to mention the travesty that was the Rob Zombie remake) cannot tarnish his reputation as silent killer per excellence.

1. Freddy Krueger from A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

“Welcome to prime time, bitch!” When Wes Craven cast Robert Englund as the villain in A Nightmare on Elm Street, the horror gods smiled and the planets alligned and history was made. Not since the days of Karloff and Lugosi had a horror actor meshed so perfectly with the character he played and, until the end of time, one would not be the same without the other. This fact was borne out by the recent remake which saw Jackie Earle Haley fail to achieve the sort of instant iconic-ness that Englund achieved so effortlessly. Starting life as a more-or-less serious killer, the Nightmare on Elm Street franchise saw the evolution of Freddy from evil bastard to evil-but-damn-funny bastard as he cracked wise and quipped his way through the teens of Elm Street. Whether you prefer serious Freddy or funny Freddy, you always have to remember one thing: whatever you do, don’t fall asleep…

Slasher movies tend to polarise horror fans. As I mentioned in the intro, I was a classic horror snob for many years and refused to even give slasher movies the time of day, but when I finally got off my high horse I realised that there’s not only some really good filmmaking on display (well, sometimes) but also a lot of fun to be had. If you’re like I once was, check out a few of the more well known titles like the original Nightmare or Halloween, or if you’re the exact opposite and you love modern horror but aren’t so keen on the classics, Psycho is probably a good place to start. Either way, gimmie your thoughts in the comments and stick around for our next list. End transmission.

10. BEYOND THE MAT (1999)/WRESTLING WITH SHADOWS (1998)

Coming out of the blocks first on today’s list is a head-to-head tie of two wrestling documentaries. Beyond the Mat is perhaps the better known of the two films and is one of those rare documentaries that can engage people who are not fans of the subject in hand. Wrestling With Shadows, on the other hand, is somewhat more specialised, following the last few months of Bret “Hitman” Hart’s tenure in the WWE (then called the WWF). For my money, Wrestling With Shadows is the better film, but they both deserve a place.

9. WHEN WE WERE KINGS (1996)

The last documentary on our list, When We Were Kings follows Muhammed Ali and George Foreman as they prepare for their classic “Rumble in the Jungle.” The documentary is a bit biased towards Ali, as was everyone in the country in which the fight was being held due to Ali’s manipulation of his image (setting himself up as a man “returning to his homehand” and immersing himself in African culture, unlike the quiet and aloof Foreman), but it remains a fascinating look at a historic bout.

8. THE HUSTLER (1961)

This list might be a bit biased towards the sports I enjoy watching. In fact, there’s no two ways about it considering that we’ve so far had two movies about wrestling, one about boxing and now one about that most manly of manly persuits, playing pool. An classic beyong dispute with Paul Newman as “Fast” Eddie, a poolshark who takes on Jackie Gleason’s Minnesota Fats. Taking place in brilliantly smoky pool halls and seedy bars, The Hustler was revisited in Martin Scorsese’s The Colour of Money in which Paul Newman reprised his role as “Fast” Eddie.

7. ROCKY IV (1985)

Moving from realistic movies and documentaries to the realm of sports fantasy, we find the first of four movies starring Sylvester Stallone on the list. After winning the world title from Apollo Creed and then losing it (only to win it back) from Clubber Lang, Rocky Balboa, the street bum made good, takes it upon himself to end the Cold War by fighting the evil Russian git Ivan Drago. Is it a masterpeice of cinema? No. Is it subtle? Like a brick. Is it rabble rousing nonsense of the highest order. Hell yeah. And that’s why it’s awesome.

6. CADDYSHACK (1980)

Take one part Chevy Chase in his prime, one part Bill Murray playing a dangerous lunatic and one part Rodney Dangerfield being Rodney Dangerfield, mix well with a comedy gopher and add a pool scene in which a Mars bar is mistaken for a turd and what do you have? The best movie ever made about the usually tame and frankly boring game of golf. The antics of the Animal House crew transplanted to an upmarket golf club, Caddyshack is one of the all time greatest comedy movies. Bill Murray plays against type as a borderline retard and Chevy Chase plays Fletch with a four iron and a strange muppet gopher causes chaos. It sounds strange on paper, but on celluloid it was brilliant.

5. ROCKY BALBOA (2006)

Two Stallone movies down and two to go. It’s interestting to note that public opinion character of Rocky in the first and last films mirrors the public perception of Stallone at the time the film was made. When Rocky came out in 1976, Stallone and Rocky were no-hopers both – Rocky would never go the distance with Creed and Stallone would never become an actor. Flashforward to 2006 and both Rocky and Sly are has-beens destined to while away their days in obscurity. Both times, they proved everybody wrong. In ’76 Rocky held his own against Creed and Stallone became one of the biggest stars of all time; in 2006 Rocky went the distance with Dixon and Stallone became a bankable star again. Replacing the jingoism and unintentional self parody of Rockies IV and V with the heart and hopefulness of the original film, Rocky Balboa the movie, like Rocky Balboa the man is full of heart and impossible to resist.

4. ESCAPE TO VICTORY (1981)

Football. That inexplicably popular game loved by millions and hated by me. Well, that’s a bit harsh. I love the World Cup, but league football? I’ve got no time for it. Now, Escape to Victory is not a film that the critics love, quite the opposite in fact: Barry Norman called it “rubbish.” But what do those guys know? The story of a football match set up as a propganda excersise by the Nazis between the German national team and a ragtag group of multi-national POWs, Escape to Victory is one of those films that gets the blood flowing and the fist pumping. Stallone (him again?) is top billed as the goalie, but it’s Michael Caine’s movie as the team captain who leads a team of actors and real football players to… I won’t spoil the ending. Max Von Sydow turns in a surprisingly sympatheic performance as a Nazi officer and former Sherlock Holmeses Clive Merrison and Tim Piggot-Smith as well as a dubbed Anton Diffring round out the cast. Oh, and watch out for Pele’s awesome goal in the final minutes.

3. THE WRESTLER (2008)

“You’ve seen me, I come and stand at every door; you’ve seen me, I always leave with less than what I had before; you’ve seen me, but I can make you smile when the blood hits the floor – tell me friend, can you ask for anything more?” Bruce Springsteen’s song for The Wrestler sums up the film better than I ever could. The story of Randy “The Ram” Robinson, an ageing wrestler (based loosely, it seems, on Jake “The Snake” Robers) struggling to find his place in a world that has forgotten him. Ekeing out a living on the independent circuit for twenty bucks a night, all Randy wants is one last run; one final moment of glory. His only friend is an equally past her best stripper and he is estranged from his daughter, Randy concinves a promoter to set up one final match against his old nemesis. The ending is simultaneously ambiguous and heartbreaking. After years of ridicule and abuse, The Wrestler brought a modicum of respect to the professional wrestling business. And for that if nothing else, I will always love it.

2. RAGING BULL (1980)

The only movie on this list that isn’t really “about” the sport it depicts, Raging Bull is less about the sportsman and more about the man. A biopic based on the (ghostwritten) memoirs of “The Bronx Bull” Jake La Motta, the film starts with La Motta in his prime, winning the world title and then depicting his slow descent into oblivion. Famously putting on a massive amount of weight to transform himself from the slim and hard-bodied young prizefighter to the bloated and corpulent figure La Motta became, Robert DeNiro turns in a remarkable performance, backed up by Joe Peschi, Frank Vincent and the remarkable Cathy Moriarty as La Motta’s wife Vickie. DiNero, an actor never less than charasmatic, makes La Motta – a wife beating, cheating, fight throwing asshole – seem sympathic and at times likeable. Martin Scorsese’s assured direction and the editing of Thelma Schoonmaker make Raging Bull a classic and fully deserving of the plaudits that it has earned.

1. ROCKY (1976)

Say what you like about the man, but Sylvester Stallone knows how to make a good sports movie. Beating Taxi Driver at the 1976 Oscars, Rocky is, quite simply a perfect movie. There are certain films that I can watch over and over and never get bored of them – The Adventures of Robin Hood, Casblanca, The Empire Strikes Back, The Spy Who Loved Me, Star Trek II - but top of this list is Rocky. The story of a bum from Philly who’s “whole life was a million to one shot” who is given a shot at the champ Apollo Creed. Rocky and his trainer Mickey – career best from Burgess “The Penguin” Meredith – train their way through the most famous montage in the history of cinema (ending, of course, with a triumphant sprint up the steps of the Phillidelphia Art Museum) and Rocky, a man who knows he can’t win the fight – goes the distance with Apollo and lasts all 15 rounds. Along the way, he finds love with the mousy sister of his best friend and walks away from the fight the loser, but not *a* loser. I’m convinced that it’s not physically possible to watch Rocky and not root for the Itallian Stallion. At the end of the movie, as Rocky stands in the ring crying out for the woman he loves, many a manly tear has been shed, not only by me, but by anyone with even an ounce of heart – something both Rocky and this film have in abundance.

Like I said in the intro, I’m not much of a sports fan, which explains the amount of boxing and wrestling movies on this list, but my site = my list = my picks. Annoyed about the lack of Kevin Costner baseball films? let me know your picks below. But that’s all for now, sports fans, join us next time for either the top ten movies everybody except me loved or the top ten movies with single word titles – I can’t decide which one to do first. End transmission.

10. Worst, robot, ever – Superman III

Superman III is not a good film. By any stretch of the imagination. The entire film is deeply, deeply flawed with a third rate Lex Luthor trying to monopolise the world’s coffee supply whilst Richard Pryor gurns and skis (more on that later) his way through the movie. The end of the film has Superman battling a robot (I forget how it gets here, but it’s not important.) Now, Superman has fought robots before (paging Metallo…) but this has got to be the worst robot the Man of Tomorrow ever faced, but also one of the worst robots well, ever.

9. “Put my daddy down!” – Superman II

Richard Lester is an Englishman who likes silliness and lowbrow comedy. Why, then, he was chosen to replace Richard Donner (who had already shot at least half of the movie) on Superman II. His ineptitude when it comes to adapting an American comic book reaches its nadir when the Kryponian badguys led by General Zod roll into a small midwestern town and begin running riot. Fair enough. There’s a moment when Zod and co. use some sort of telekinisis to raise a local farmhand about 20 feet in the hair and his tousel-haired son begs Zod to put him down. Again, fair enough, Except that Lester decided to cast the most English boy he could find, with a cut glass accent, to play said farmboy. So we have an American midwest farm town populated by English public schoolboys. Superfail. In the Donner cut, this scene is replaced with a kickass assault on the White House by Zod and pals, which is way, way cooler.

8. Lex Luthor: bald or not? – Superman IV: The Quest For Peace

This is something I’ve never seen referrenced anywhere else and I seem to be the only one who’s noticed it, which confuses me greatley since it sticks out like a sore thumb. In Superman and Superman II (not to mention Superman Returns) Lex Luthor is bald and ashamed of the fact so he wears various wigs to cover his bald head. Now, Gene Hackman had a full head of hair when he played Luthor for the first and second times, he used his own hair for the scenes when Luthor wore a wig and wore a baldcap for the bald scenes. However, in the years that passed between Superman and Superman IV, Gene Hackman had gone bald somewhat and declined to wear a wig. Therefore, in storyline terms, Luthor is wearing a wig with a bald spot and a high hairline to hide the fact that he is bald. I can’t seriously be the only one who noticed that!

7. Richard Pryor: Shins of Steel – Superman III

Christopher Reeve was perfectly cast as the Man of Steel, but the *real* Man of Steel in the Superman movies was Gus Gorman, the nerdy computer programmer played by Richard Pryor. Now, let me say that Pryor was a funny, funny man and he turns in a decent comedy performance in Superman III, but the script and direction let him down. There’s a scene where Gorman is on skis and ends up skiing of the top of a building, falling at least 50 stories before landing on an awning, breaking through, and landing on the street, on his feet. He makes a “comedy” pained face and walks away. Really. Superman is a Kryptonian uber-mensch, and yet he at least registers pain from time to time.

6. Piss on the entire point of the story… to save a few bucks – Superman II

Superman, at its heart, was a movie about a son with two fathers, both of which are lost to him. His real dad, Jor-El sacrifices himself to give his son a chance for life and his adoptive dad, Jonathan Kent (played by the great Glenn Ford) has a heart attack and dies when Clark is in his teens, giving Clark the motivation to become a hero: “all these powers and I couldn’t even save him.” It’s actually pretty powerful stuff, Jor-El’s speeches from across time and space to his son, telling him “you will make my strength your own. You will see my life through your eyes, as your life will be seen through mine. The son becomes the father and the father, the son.” The entire movie is based on this idea, with Clark fufilling the potential and claiming his birthright. Then, in the first sequel, Supes goes to the Fortress of Solitude and suddenly his mother and a random Kryptonian (who was against Jor-El in the original, and yet is now teaching his son) show up. All to save a few dollars by not hiring Marlon Brando again (even though the movie was bound to make a million billion bucks.) Thankfully, Richard Donner corrected this mistake when he was allowed to recut the movie and insert the footage he had shot that Laster rejected.

5. The Opening Sequence of – Superman III

Speaking of Richard Lester, if you ever needed more proof of his towering unsuitability for a Superman movie, look no further than the opening sequence of Superman III. To be fair, it’s a remarkable bit of slapstick cinema, but it’s so out of place in a Superman movie, neglecting to use to classic Superman swoopy blue credits or even John Williams’s stirring Superman march, opting instead to use a completley unmemorable peice of music and credits that look they were made using Windows Movie Maker. American TV execs may be idiots, but even they had the sense to replace the opening with something more in line with the first two and dubbing in a pretty kick ass version of the Superman theme. The strangest thing, and I’ve got no way to prove this, is the odd British-ness of the actors falling over, almost being drowned on dry land and being pied in the face. Metropolis is in America, right? And yet these people look like they’d be more at home in the Rovers’ Return.

6. Superman = Jesus – Superman Returns

There’s always been a bit of a messianic overtone with the Superman story – baby is born who shows extraordinary powers whilst growing up and goes on to save the world. But this has always been in the background, overlooked by kids who love the flying and stuff, but noticed by more astute viewers, giving the story another dimension to enjoy. Superman strikes the balance between fun and subtext prefectly, but, when the time came to make Superman Returns, Bryan Singer decided to beat us over the head with the message, at the expense of a lot of the fun stuff.

5. The Kents are strange – Superman: The Movie

Speaking of the Superman origin story, do the Kent’s actions upon finding young Kal-El strike anyone else as a bit… peculiar? Imagine you were in their place. You’re driving along and something explodes nearby. You stop to investigate and discover a young naked boy who can lift a truck above his head. Any reasonable person would look at this as being a tad weird and would probably drop this devil child off at the nearest police station or hospital. But no, what the Kents do is take this kid home with them and raise him as an All-American boy. With superpowers.

4. Superman rebuilds the Great Wall… with mind bullets! – Superman IV

Superman’s powers: flight, super strength, super speed, x-ray vision, heat vision, super breath, super hearing, super smell and enchanced stamina. I see nothing about telekenis in that list, and yet in Superman IV, following the destruction of the Great Wall of China, the Metropolis Marvel displays a hithero-unseen abilty to move objects with him mind (and a strange blue laser beam thing), rebuilding the Great Wall in a matter of seconds. He later uses this ability to levitate falling people and lower them safely to the ground. The Quest For Peace is undoubtedly one of the worst movies ever made, but the way it messes around with Superman’s powers annoys me greatley. That said, every Superman movie ever made does the same thing, ascribing to Supes powers that his creators never dreamed of. And after reading the next two entries on this list, I think you’ll agree that Superman’s mind over matter in VI is the least of our problems.

3. Clark Kent and the Rohypnol kiss – Superman II and Superman IV

Clark Kent, the All-American farmboy who grew up, moved to the big city and, paragon of virtue that he is, would never say boo to a goose, can a pretty creepy guy. Never more so than at the end of Superman II and again in Superman IV when he kisses Lois Lane with a mouthful of roofie saliva that makes Lois forget everything that has just happened. What I want to know is, does he ever get tempted to misuse this? Does he scour nightclubs and back alleys, picking up women and having his way with them before planting the kiss of forgetfulness on them? Or does he ever put it to good use, smacking supervillains on the lips making them forget their evil plans? It might be a bit wierd, but that would save him a hell of a lot of legwork. Like, for example, at the end of Superman when Luthor tells Big Blue about the missles, why didn’t Superman pucker up and plant one on Luthor, making him forget his entire evil scheme?

2. Turning the world back – Superman

Ok, so we’ve seen Telekenitic Superman and Flunitrazepam Superman, let’s try Time Travel Superman on for size. At the end of the first movie, Superman saves the day and puts wrong to right, but Lois Lane dies in the process. So, Supes flies up into space and flies backward around the world so quickly that the planet spins backward, turning back time, bringing Lois back to life. How this doesn’t case the faultline to reopen, the valley to reflood and how Supes doesn’t meet himself is glossed over and not mentioned. It also makes Superman look like a bit of a douche, that he’s willing to fuck with history in order to bring his chain-smoking, hatchet-faced crush back to life. So, yeah, in addition to ESP and Rohypnol saliva, the Superman of the movies is also capable of turning back time. Again, why does he never use this power again. Lex Luthor is threatening to destroy New York with a lazer but I don’t want to miss the end of Dr. Who, so I’ll just let him go ahead and do it; I can always turn the world back and stop him.

1. The polythene “S” – Superman II

And so it comes to this – the single most idiotic moment in a series full of such moments. The end of Superman II.  After somehow creating holographic versions of himself to fool General Zod and his cohorts – a WTF moment in itself – Superman peels the “S” off of his chest and throws it, fresbee style, at Zod’s retarded henchman, causing it to wrap around him and trap him in a giant red and yellow polythene bag. He falls to the ground and seconds later the bag disintergates and the guy’s ready to attack again. Family Guy put it best: “that was a minor inconveince.” Without doubt, the silliest moment in the entire series and truly deserving of the top place of today’s list. Not only is it idiotic, but insulting to the viewer’s intelligence – and that, even in a comic book movie, is unforgivable since it destroys any sense of verismillitude or suspension of disbelief that the viewer has developed. That said, there’s so much idiocy in Superman II that it’s close to impossible to build up any suspension of disbelief at all. Thank fuck then, for the Richard Donner cut, which cut out 99% of this nonsense and presents us with, shock horror, a pretty good movie.

Superman: The Movie, Superman II: The Richard Donner Cut and Superman Returns are all good movies, but it’s a real shame that only one Superman movie is truly great (the first, of course). The first would be the definitive Superman movie if the studio had allowed Donner to use his original ending – Superman saves the day and the missle thrown into space knocks Zod and co. out of the Phantom Zone and brings them to earth, setting up a cliffhanger for the second movie and also eliminating the stupid time travel and forgetful kisses. The Donner cut of Superman II opens with the original ending of Superman and ends with the Kryptonian villains killing Lois, causing Supes to do his time travel trick, which whilst still annoying, works a lot better than in the original movie. In any case, that’s our top ten worst Superman movie moments. I know I missed the whole “breathing in space” thing from Quest For Peace, and if that bugs you, let me know below. End transmission.

10. Gary Oldman; or, the Goth Dracula

From the movie Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992) directed by Francis Ford Coppla
Right off the bat (bat, geddit?) let me say that I do not care for Bram Stoker’s Dracula. It’s a breathtaking film to look at, but almost every perfomance in the film is uniformly terrible and Gary Oldman as Dracula is inexplicably popular with people who don’t really like Dracula movies. Playing up the “he’s really Vlad the Impaler” angle, Oldman’s Dracula starts the film as a old white-skinned guy with boobs on his head and ends the film as a distinctly Ann Riceian proto-goth with long hair and a grey stovepipe hat. There’s very little menace in his performance and he seems to be more concerned with taking Winnona Ryder to dinner than drinking her blood.

9. John Carradine; or, the Elegant Dracula

From the movie House of Frankenstein (1944) directed by Erle Kenton
With his white moustache and jauntily askew top hat, Carradine looked more like a Missisippi riverboat gambler than a vampire Count. Unfortunatley written as a bit of a milqetoast wuss, Dracula isn’t given much to do in House of Frankenstein or its sequel House of Dracula. However Carradine played Dracula several more times in his career, most notably in the woeful Billy the Kid versus Dracula.

8. Udo Kier; or, the Warhol Dracula

From the movie Blood For Dracula (1974) directed by Paul Morrissey
I’ve written before about Udo Kier on this site and I’m afraid I’m going to have to repeat myself. The fact that Udo Keir isn’t in every movie ever made is tragic. One of the most underrated actors alive, Kier is nothing short of brilliant in everything he’s in and Blood For Dracula is no exception. Sounding suspiciously German for a Transylvanian Count (but we can’t hold that against him given Langella’s American accent, Lee’s English accent and Olman’s ludicrous accent) Keir’s Dracula is only able to drink virgin blood and so moves to Italy in search of virgins. Suffice to say he does not find them and becomes ill after drinking tainted blood. Undoubtedly one of the creepiest screen Draculas.

7. Max Schreck; or, the Anti Dracula

From the movie Nosferatu (1922) directed by F.W. Murnau
The odd one out on this list since Schreck isn’t strictly speaking playing Dracula, but Graf Orlock. Depending on the print of the movie you watch, Schreck’s character is named either Orlock or Dracula (the Dracula print is more common these days than the Orlock print) but it’s clear to anyone with even a basic understanding of the novel or the story behind the making of Nosferatu that Orlock = Dracula. The only actor on today’s list to play the Count as a horrific monster rather than an urbane sophisicate, Shreck’s version of Dracula is every bit as iconic as Lugosi or Lee, but the fact that it is *so* far removed from the classic image of Dracula explains its low place on the list.

6. Jack Palance; or, the Animalistic Dracula

From the TV movie Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1973) directed by Dan Curtis
Like Gary Oldman’s Dracula, Jack Palance’s version of the Count is presented as being one and the same with Vlad Tepes. The first film to introduce the now standard “long lost love” angle, Palance’s Dracula doesn’t beat you over the head with this angle like Oldman, preferring to remain somewhat ambigulous about the whole affair. Presenting an intense and at times animalistic Dracula, Palance’s Count is as scary as he is tragic.

5. Orson Welles; or, the Radio Dracula

From the Mercury Theatre’s radio production Dracula (1938) directed by Orson Welles
Regal, magisterial and capturing the very essence of Dracula, Orson Welles’ performance as the Count on his Mercury Theatre On The Air program is to this day spellbinding and breathtaking. Welles, a personal hero of mine and perhaps the greatest genius of the 20th Century, was reciting Shakespeare at the age of two, giving lectures at college at the age of ten, wrote a book on Shakespeare that is still used to this day at eighteen, changed the face of broadway (twice!) in his twenties, made a fortune in radio at the age of twenty two and directed the greatest movie of all time before his twenty fifth birthday. Is it any wonder, therefore, that his perfomance as Dracula (at the age of 23!) is one of the greatest of all time?

4. Louis Jourdan; or the Urbane Dracula

From the BBC miniseries Count Dracula (1977) directed by Phillip Saville
Louis Jourdan (of Gigi and Octopussy fame) might seem like a strange choice to play Count Dracula, but play him he did in a 1977 BBC miniseries and his performance is one of the very best. Playing Dracula as an urbane sophisticate but with novel-mandated sharp nails and hairy palms, Jourdan gives us a calculated and seductive evil. Despite a few dodgy special effects, the miniseries is a minor masterpeice that not enough people have seen. If you’re one of these people and if you’re a genre fan, I strongly recommend it to you, if not for Jourdan’s chilling Dracula then for Frank Finlay’s Van Helsing: for my money the best Van Helsing ever.

3. Frank Langella; or, the Romantic Dracula

From the movie Dracula (1979) directed by John Badham
Stephanie Meyer, Ann Rice and Gary Oldman take note: *this* is how you do a romantic vampire. Like Bela Lugosi before him, Frank Langella played Dracula on Broadway before commiting his performance to film. A victim of his era, Langella’s bouffant disco hair and Tom Jones open necked shirts might put some people off, but once you get past the glorious Seventies-ness of his look you’ll find a brilliant performance by one of the most underrated actors ever. Playing the Count as a romantic lover rather than an evil bastard, Langella’s Dracula is the kind of guy that men want to be and women want to be with. Acting rings round Lord Lawrence Olivier, Langella seduces his way through the movie, but isn’t afraid to turn up the heat when nessecary, swooping down on Renfield like a giant badass bat and breaking his neck without a second thought. Sadly the only version of the movie available on DVD has, for some reason, had all the colour stripped out of it leaving it looking almost like a black and white move. But worry not, some fiddling with the colour and contrast settings on your TV soon restore it to its full glory.

BONUS DRACULA!
Frank Langella was replaced in the role of Dracula by the great Jeremy Brett who made such an awesome Dracula that I couldn’t leave him out. So here is is, in all his vampiric awesomness.

Elementary, my dear Dr. Van Helsing!

2. Bela Lugosi; or, the Archetypal Dracula

From the movie Dracula (1931) directed by Todd Browning
Whenever the name Dracula is mentioned the first thing that comes to most people’s minds is the image of Bela Lugosi, his velvet lined cape draped over his shoulders, his eyes blazing, his mouth twisted into a sadistic smile and his hand beckoning you towards him. The definitive image of Dracula, Lugosi not only gave us the classic image of Dracula but also forever defined what Dracula is supposed to sound like, his velvet smooth Hungarian accent making potentially cheeseball lines like “I never drink… wine” and “the blood is the life” seem genuinley unsettling and eerie. Trapped forever in the Dracula role, Lugosi played similar characters in such films as Mark of the Vampire, Return of the Vampire and Plan Nine From Outer Space, but 80 years on he is still the most famous Dracula ever.

1. Christopher Lee; or, the Ultimate Dracula

From the movie Horror of Dracula (1958) directed by Terrance Fisher
This is the third time Christopher Lee’s Count has made the number one spot on a list (top ten movie vampires and top ten Hammer horror movies) so regular readers might have predicted who was going to be in the top spot. Lee’s Dracula is a combination of the best parts of every other Dracula on this list: the sauveness of Carradine, the animalistic intensity of Palance, the allure of Langella and the iconicness (it’s a word now, dammit) of Lugosi combined to make the perfect Dracula. Dispensing with any lost love rubbish, Lee’s Dracula isn’t a charmer who seduced women, his biting scenes often have an uncomfortable overtone of rape to them, with him forcing himself upon his victims who, until the realised he was going to bite them and not fuck them, were more than willing to let him into their bedrooms. Energetic and deeply primal, Lee represents not only an undead aristocrat but a force of nature that will stop at nothing to get his way.

So there you go. The Top Ten (movie or otherwise) Draculas. But there’s one very important version of the Count that I missed? Any ideas? No? Well, have a look at…

Count Dracula

From the novel “Dracula” (1897) by Bram Stoker
Dracula may have more screen apperances under his belt than any other monster, but in the countless adaptations of Stoker’s original novel not one has presented us with Dracula as he was originally written. I’ll hand it over to Stoker for a description:
“His face was a strong-a very strong-aquiline, with high bridge of the thin nose and peculiarly arched nostrils; with lofty domed forehead, and hair growing scantily round the temples, but profusely elsewhere. His eyebrows were very massive, almost meeting over the nose, and with bushy hair that seemed to curl in its own profusion. The mouth, so far as I could see it under the heavy moustache, was fixed and rather cruel-looking, with peculiarly sharp white teeth; these protruded over the lips, whose remarkable ruddiness showed astonishing vitality in a man of his years. For the rest, his ears were pale and at the tops extremely pointed; the chin was broad and strong, and the cheeks firm though thin. The general effect was one of extraordinary pallor.”
It was this Dracula that appeared on a stamp in 1997 (along with the Frankenstein Monster – labelled as per bloody usual as just “Frankenstein” – Jekyll and Hyde and the Hound of the Baskervilles.)

The closest anyone has come is Christopher Lee in the Jess Franco movie Count Dracula, but sadly, after a strong opening, that movie kinda falls apart. Still worth tracking down if you’re a genre fan.

On the radio Orson Welles, had the advantage of not having to show his face, but his use of a strong accent differs from Stoker’s vampire Count who spoke with no trace of an accent. Perhaps one day Hollywood will give us Dracula as Stoker intended, but sadly, no interpretatin of the Count has come close.

Dracula is perhaps the most famous villain in all of fiction and he is endlessly fascinating. Whether Gary Oldman, Frank Langella, Gerard Butler, Bela Lugosi or even Leslie Nielsen is in the part, the character of Count Dracula is guaranteed to bring in an audience. Did I overlook your favorite Dracula? Let me know below. End transmission.

10. Lieutennant Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica

An obvious knock off of Han Solo from the Star Wars trilogy, the ace Viper pilot Lt. Starbuck nonetheless is cool enough to make the list. Played by Dirk “Face from off of The A-Team” Bennedict in the grad tradition of Flash Gordon-esque swashbuckling sci fi heroes, the popularity of Starbuck apparently pissed Richard Hatch off, who felt that his character of Apollo was being sidelined to make room for more episodes starring Bennedict.

9. Captain Jean-Luc Picard from Star Trek: The Next Generation

A bit of a controversial one here since there are those who think that Picard should be in the top spot on this list, but for my money, Picard’s in his rightful place at number nine. A man who would seemingly rather sit in his ready room and hold meetings rather than actually, yanno, *do* something, Picard has nonetheless negotiated his way into saving the universe a couple times and for that he is worthy of inclusion.

8. The T-800 from Terminator 2: Judgement Day

The only character on this list to have been both the baddie and the goodie, Schwarzenegger’s heroic T-800 from T2 has become a pop cultural icon and one of the most parodied characters in cinema history. After fighting on the side of Skynet in the first movie, the Austrian Oak returned, reprogrammed and fighting the good fight in the sequel.

7. Flash Gordon

dumdumdumdumdumdumdum FLASH! Ah-ahhhh! He’ll save every one us! Well, he’s been saving every one of us in books, comics, radio, TV shows, and movies since 1934 and it doesn’t look like he’s planning to stop any time soon. Created by Alex Raymond (one of the most underrated and unappreciated men in comics history) the “saviour of the universe” has been battling the forces of Emperor Ming in every form of media and Freddie Mercury was not using hyperbole when he described Flash as “king of the impossible.”

6. Han Solo from Star Wars

The role that made Harrison Ford a star. Be honest, who hasn’t wanted to be Han Solo at some point in their life? The coolest guy ever to wear a waistcoat and buddies with a death dealing walking carpet, the cocky smuggler Han Solo is undoubtedly the best character in Star Wars. He’s at his best in A New Hope when he’s arrogant, wisecracking and absolutley 100% uninterested in the Rebellion’s cause. His character becomes watered down the more into the rebellion he gets, but he still maintains that smuggler cool, even when he’s being upstaged by Ewoks.

5. Mr. Spock from Star Trek

Flawlessly logical and endlessly cool (in the “as a cucumber” sense of the word) the half Vulcan-half human Mr. Spock was Captain Kirk’s second-in-command and right-hand-man. Acting as a calm and rational counterpoint to the passion and emotion of Kirk and Dr. McCoy, Spock was absolutley invaluable to both the fictional sucess of the Enterprise’s missions and the very real sucess of Star Trek.

4. Luke Skywalker from Star Wars

He was never as cool as Han Solo, but from a heroic standpoint Luke places higher than Han. The son of Darth Vader and brother of Princess Leia, Luke’s journey from simple farmboy to Jedi Knight is – despite what Lucas might say about Vader and/or the droids – the true story being told in the original Star Wars trilogy. The real trick Lucas played with Luke was casting Mark Hamill, an actor capable of going from gormless boy to mature and confident man. Whether he’s destroying the Death Star in ANH, trying to save his friends in TESB or redeeming his father in ROTJ, Luke is the real hero in the Star Wars trilogy.

3. Superman

Some of his powers and adventures might be more fantasy than science fiction, but his origin is pure scifi. The last son of Krypton, sent to earth from his dying home planet as a child in a rocketship built by his scientist father, Superman has saved his adoptive home – not to mention the entire universe – on occasions innumerable. Constantly threatened by evil geniuses, mechanical robots, giant apes and interdimensional tricksters, Superman also has to face some very human problems such as dealing with his boss, his pushy girlfriend and his nerdish friends. Known as the Man of Steel, the Man of Tomorrow and, ocassionaly, the Metropolis Marvel, Superman is not only comic’s greatest hero, but also one of science fiction’s.

2. Captain James T. Kirk from Star Trek

Every so often a character and an actor become so inextricably linked that it’s impossible for any other actor to play the role. Chris Pine learned this the hard way when he tried to essay the role of Jim Kirk in the 2009 Star Trek reboot. Now and forever, Captain Kirk and William Shatner are all but one and the same. Kirk is the classic image of the authoritarian who’s not afraid to play by his own rules when the going gets tough. Captain, of course, of the USS Enterprise, Kirk has saved the galaxy more times than I’ve had hot dinners.

1. The Doctor from Dr. Who

If Captain Kirk is the epitome of a sci fi hero in a uniform, then the Doctor is the ultimate sci fi renegade. The Gallifreyan Time Lord has probably saved the universe more times than anyone, and yet can be a bit of a bastard himself – stealing the TARDIS, almost strangling his companion Peri, frequently losing his temper and being guilty of some shocking wardrobe choices. Played by eleven actors (so far) – Peter Davidson, Matt Smith, Patrick Troughton and Jon Pertwee being some of my favorites – my all time favorite Doctor however is Colin Baker. Sadly Baker was never given much of a chance in the role (Timothy Dalton comes to mind) and the scripts he was given let him down somewhat, but he was brilliant in the role, pitching his performance somewhere between the grumpiness of Hartnel, the quirkiness of Tom Baker and the nice-guy-ness of Davidson. In any case, the character of the Doctor is without question science fiction’s greatest hero and one of its most beloved characters.

Whether we’re being attacked by Ming the Merciless, the Cybermen, the Klingons or Lex Luthor, we can always count one of of these guys to save the day. This list could easily have been a top twenty, so whittling it down to just ten wasn’t easy. Annoyed that I’ve missed out one of your favorites? Let me know your thoughts below. End transmission.

10. The Galactic Confederacy from L. Ron Hubbard’s bullshit made up “religion” Scientology.

Though it’s presented as fact, L. Ron Hubbard’s nonsense about Xenu and the Galactic Confedarcy is just zany enough (even by religion’s standards) to make the list. According to the late Hubbard and his idiot celebrity followers, 75 million years ago the dictator of the Galactic Confederacy brought his people to earth in spacecraft that looked remarkably like DC-8s. He put them near volcanoes and blew them up using H-Bombs, but the spirits of these beings survived and cause spiritual harm to people to this day. Scientologists like to play down this aspect of their “religion” but the fact is that despite what Tom Cruise, Will Smith, John Travolta, Lisa-Marie Presley, Jason Lee, Courtney Love Leah Remini, Billy Sheenan, Kirstie Alley, Peaches Geldof, Issac Hayes, Jenna Elfman, Catherine Bell and Juliette Lewis and countless other idiots might tell you, this is what Scientologists actually believe.

9. The Sontaran Empire from Dr. Who

Ok, from bullshit to real science fiction, we move from Battlefield Earth to a race of grumpy baked potatoes. The Sontarans first appeared in the Jon Pertwee era and were last seen, well, last week menacing Matt Smith’s Doctor. Reproducing through cloning rather than more… conventional means, the Sontarans look remarkably similar and signify rank through coloured outfits. At war with the Rutan Empire for the last 50,000 years, and with a garrison numbering in the billions, the Sontarans may look like potatoes, but they are a force to be reckoned with.

8. The Kree Empire from Marvel Comics

With an empire spanning thousands of worlds, the blue/pink skinned Kree first appeared in a 1967 issue of Fantastic Four. With a population of over 30 billion prior to the detonation of a nega-bomb which killed 98% of the Kree race, the Kree’s greatest hero was Captain Mar-Vell (not to be confused with Captain Marvel, of course) who later became a Skrull (it’s complicated.) Brilliantly, the Kree have come up with a mathematical equation that disproves the existence of any deities which is taught to all Kree children at “the same time we teach them not to soil themselves with excrement.”

7. The Terran Empire from Star Trek

Or; the Anti-Federation. The mirror universe (that place where Spock has a beard) equivalent of the United Federation of Planets, the Terran Empire is much more militaristic and ruthless than its real-universe counterpart. Continually embroiled in warfare with other planets and species and as far removed from the “peace and understanding” attitude of the Federation as its possible to be, the Terran Empire is as aggressive and opportunistic as the Klingon Empire in the real-universe.

6. The Skrull Empire from Marvel Comics

From the planet Skrullos in the Andromeda galaxy come the Skrulls. Created by Lee and Kirby in Fantastic Four #2, the Skrull Empire is made up of a race of greenskinned shapeshifters. A thorn in the side of the Marvel heroes since their inception, the once mighty Skrull Empire has now fallen, which is why, cool as the Skrulls are, they just miss out on the top five.

5. The Romulan Empire from Star Trek

Based – obviously – on the ancient Roman Empire and looking suspiously like Vulcans, the Romulan Empire was first encountered in TOS episode Balance of Power with Mark “Spock’s Dad” Lenard playing the Romulan commander. Ruthless and cunning, the Romulan Empire is larger than the Klingon Empire but smaller than, not to mention surrounded by, the Federation.

4. The Cylon Empire from Battlestar Galactica

Proof that intelligence isn’t nessecarily needed when creating an empire, the profoundly stupid Cylons nonetheless managed to destroy all but a handful of humans and, having done this, found that they had little else to do except hunt down the ones that got away. If there’s no more planets left to conquer and the only way to fill your days is to spend them chasing Ben Cartwright and Face from the A Team across the galaxy then you know you’ve got a hell of an empire.

3. The Dalek Empire from Dr. Who

The infamous arch enemies of the Doctor, the Dalek Empire, controlled by the Emperor Dalek on Skaro, have been the Doctor’s most pressing problem since the menacing pepperpots’ first apperance in 1963. Organisms called Kaleds encased in mechanical tank-like shells, the Daleks will no doubt continue trying to exterminate their way to galactic dominance long after the Doctor has used up all his regenerations.

2. The Klingon Empire from Star Trek

Bound by a strict code of honor, the Klingons are the most famous badguys ever to menace the crew of the good ship Enterprise. Based on the Klingon homeword of Qo’noS, the Klingon Empire was originally a fuedal monarchy with a descendent of the legendary warrior Kahless the Unforgettable as Emperor, however the real power lay with the Chancellor and the Klingon High Council. Once sworn enemies of the Federation, relations have warmed somewhat between the Klingons and the Federation, but the Klingon propensity of violence means that the peace can only last so long.

1. The Galactic Empire from Star Wars

The only empire on this list known only as “The Empire,” the Galactic Empire ruled over by Emperor Palpatine in the Star Wars trilogy is the only choice for the top spot on our list. With the Emperor pulling the strings, Darth Vader acting as a figurehead and brilliant military tactitians like Grand Moff Tarkin doing the dirty work, the Galactic Empire wielded more power than any other empire on today’s list and, despite their eventual defeat by a plucky band of rebels, were probably the most feared. With hundreds of planets across the galaxy under their control, the Galactic Empire were for a time the undoubted rulers of the universe, making them the only empire on the list to achieve it’s goal of galactic domination.

From Dr. Who to the religion of moronic celebrities; from Marvel comics to Battlestar Galactica; and, of course, the brothers Star, the notion of empires in sci fi is one that writers continually turn to when they need strong badguys for their heroes to fight. Since this top ten covered both sci fi and comics and since I’ve been writing a lot about the horror genre of late, I think we’re due something different next, so stay tuned. End transmission.

Oh, one last thing. I’m going into hospital tomorrow for a (reasonably minor) operation, so cross your fingers and toes for me and I’ll check in as soon as I can. End transmission.

10. Lon Chaney, Jr. in The Ghost of Frankenstein (1942)

Lurching out of the lab first comes Lon Chaney, Jr. Son of silent movie legend Lon Chaney, Chaney, Jr. was always destined to be a horror movie actor and after his star-making turn in The Wolf Man he was the obvious choice to fill the (sizeable) boots of Boris Karloff. Playing the part as a silent brute with almcost none of the pathos of Karloff’s performance, the Lonster nonetheless turned in a somewhat memorable performance in what is probably the most fun of the Universal Frankenstein movies.

9. David Prowse in Frankenstein and the Monster From Hell (1974)

The body of Darth Vader and darling of slightly rubbish sci fi and comic conventions, Dave Prowse played the Monster in Horror of Frankenstein, but turns in better performance in Frankenstein and the Monster From Hell, the last of the Hammer Frankenstein movies. Encased in a bulky body suit, this Monster was almost troglodytic in both apperence and demeanor and, despite the low budget makeup and body suit, Prowse does manage to bring some pathos to the doomed creature.

8. Bela Lugosi in Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man (1943)

Remembered by most as one of the worst Frankenstein Monsters in cinema history, I feel that Lugosi has been short changed by time. Yes, he’s far too old and frail looking to play the Monster, but here’s the thing: In the climax of Ghost of Frankenstein, the Monster has the brain of his friend Ygor (Lugosi) implanted into his head but the experiment goes wrong and the Monster goes blind. Ok, so a blind Monster with Bela Lugosi’s brain in his skull. Good stuff. And that’s how Lugosi played the part, speaking in his own voice and groping at the air, his arms held out in front of him. Problem is, all references to the Monster’s blindness were cut, as was all of Lugosi’s dialouge, rendering him ridiculous. Of course, whenever anyone does an impression of the Frankenstein Monster they hold their arms out and grunt, doing Lugosi’s Monster rather than Karloff’s. So I guess, in a round about way, Lugosi got the last laugh after all.

7. Peter Boyle in Young Frankenstein (1974)

Mel Brook’s affectionate – and damn funny – spoof of the Frankenstein movies produced at Universal is one of the all time classic horror movies, and probably my favorite Mel Brooks movie. Peter “Ray’s dad off of Everybody Loves Raymond” Boyle plays the Monster somewhere between Boris Karloff and Fred “Herman Munster” Gwyne. Gene Wilder turns in a typically brilliant performance as Freddy Frankenstein and Terri Garr is almost painfully cute as Inga, but the film is stolen by Marty Feldman’s hunchbacked Eye-Gore and Peter Boyle’s Monster. The scene with Gene Hackman as the blind hermit and the song and dance number with the Monster and Freddy tapdancing their way through “Puttin’ on the Ritz” are worth the price of admission alone.

6. Christopher Lee in The Curse of Frankenstein (1957)

The Hammer Frankenstein series made a radical departure from the Universal series by chosing to follow the adventures of Peter Cushing’s Baron Frankenstein than the adventures of his Monster. The Baron created a new Monster in each film, starting with Christopher Lee in The Curse of Frankenstein. Lee, an actor capable of bringing incredible depth to his performances (when he puts his mind to it, but to be fair, most of the time he just plays Christopher Lee), plays the Monster more like Lon Chaney than Boris Karloff, but there are moments when a spark of humanity shines though and we feel the tragedy of the Monster. The makeup is as far removed from the Universal design as it gets nd it’s testament to the genius of Roy Ashton that it managed to become an icon of Hammer horror. If only Lee had played the Monster more in line with the way he played the Mummy, then his performance would’ve ranked far higher on this list.

5. Freddie Jones in Frankenstein Must Be Destroyed! (1969)

Freddie Jones is perhaps more famous as a director than an actor, which is a shame because he was a great actor occassionally touched by brilliance: his performance, for example, as Bytes in The Elephant Man is one of the standout performances in a film packed with heavyweight thespians. In Frankenstein Must Be Destroyed he plays a sensitive and misunderstood Monster

4. David Warner in Frankenstein (1984)

David Warner’s touching performance as the Monster makes number five on our list. Thoughtful and articulate, the Monster in this version of the story is much closer to Mary Shelley’s intentions; indeed, the Monster is disfigured by a fire in this version, rather than being a mess of stitches and dead flesh. The scene where the childlike Monster meets his creator (Rober Powell looking creepily like a young Peter Cushing) is heartbreaking as the Monster kneels before Frankenstein in adulation, believing him to be God.

3. Glenn Strange in House of Frakenstein (1944)

This is maybe an odd choice for the number three spot on this list, but hear me out. Glenn Strange played the Monster three times: House of Frankenstein (1944), House of Dracula (1945) and the classic comedy Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein (1948) and, sadly, in two of those three movies, he isn’t given much to do, spending most of the movie on his back on a lab table until being brought to life in the final reel for a lurch around the lab. That said, when it came time for Aroura to make their line of classic monster model kits, they based the Frankenstein’s Monster model on Glenn Strange and thus, for a generation of monster kids, Glenn Strange was the face of the Frankenstein Monster. Couple this with the fact that that Glenn Strange was the only actor who managed to look legitametley frightening in the Jack Peirce makeup (with the exception of Karloff in the original) and you have an iconic representation of Frankenstein’s creation.

2. Charles Ogle in Frankenstein (1910)

Speaking of men looking scary, it’s fitting that one of the first even monsters seen on film – Charles Ogle as Frankenstein’s Monster in the first ever Frankenstein movie – is to this day one of the best and scariest monsters ever filmed. Produced by the Edison company, Frankenstein may be the first horror movie ever made and it was considered lost for many years. Genre fans rejoyced, therefore, when a print was found and a DVD was released. Charles Ogle plays the Monster as a twisted and deformed conniver who delights in leering at his creator through the bed curtains (a scene which is still unsettling to this day) and is created in a vat of bubbling chemicals. Some brilliant special effects and a standout performance by Ogle make the Edison Frankenstein not merely a collector’s peice, but a genuine classic.

1. Boris Karloff in Frankenstein (1931)

Iconic is too small a word. One of those rare occasions when character and actor come together as one, Boris Karloff’s performance as the Monster in James Whale’s 1931 Frankenstein is one of the greatest performances in cinema. Able to show an astounding variety of emotions through the gresepaint and collodion, Karloff’s performance works on so many levels. For a start, he looks bloody scary, like a walking corpse, but couple this with the tragedy and pathos and childlike innocence of his performance and it’s easy to see why Karloff, almost eighty years on, remains the definitive Frankenstein Monster. The makeup works so well with Karloff’s face that it’s easy to forget that this wasn’t what Karloff really looked like; the acting shown by the relatively unknown at the time Karloff is astonishing. Easily one of the best performances in the horror genre, and one that, despite being almost totally unlike the creature she had created, Mary Shelley would probably have been proud of.

In the foreword to the second edition of her novel “Frankenstein,” Mary Shelly told her creature to “go forth into the world and multiply.” Even she, however, couldn’t possibly have imagined the impact upon popular culture her creation would have. Say the name “Frankenstein” to almost anyone in the world and they will instantly know what you’re talking about. Give me your thoughts below and check back soon for the next installment in our never ending top ten countdowns. End transmission.

I first heard about Cloverfield whilst sitting with my girlfriend in Pizza Hutt and when I read it described as “a Godzilla style monster movie” I damn near pissed my pants with glee.  The prospect of a giant monster movie featuring a Godzilla-like monster remorselessly destroying New York was enough to make me desperate to see the movie, especially since the last giant monster movie was Peter Jackson’s King Kong which, although good, certainly had it’s share of flaws.

But this looked to be something quite different. Rather than beating us over the head with a “feel sorry for the monster” message, this looked to be something more in line with stuff like the original Godzilla or Beast from Twenty Thousand Fathoms in that it starred an entirley remorseless monster doing what monsters do best – stomp the shit out of cities.

Filmed entirely in that Blair Witch/shaky handheld camcorder style, Cloverfield can be frustrating viewing at times, with thing often happening tantalisingly off-camera; our intrpid cameraman seems to have a knack of swinging round just in time to see something large and pissed off stomp behind a building denying us a really good look at the monster – but for an afficianado of monster movies this style was something of a treat. In these kinds of movies we’re more often than not stuck with naught but square jawed army generals and impossibly handsome scientists for company; the only “normal” people we see are glimpsed fleetingly fleeting in terror or being trampled underfoot. It’s nice, therefore, to see a giant monster movie from the perspective of the average joes, the people stuck at ground zero rather than the people in the ivory tower. 

Speaking of not seeing the monster, when we do get a decent look at the monster (pictured above) it’s a bit of a let down, looking like a cross between a spider and the Rancor from Return of the Jedi.  It’s certainly not going to become an icon as Godzilla and King Kong have become, and pretty much proves the Jaws rule of what you don’t see being scarier than what you do see.

A couple of paragraphs back I mentioned the words ground zero and I chose those words carefully. There was a lot of talk (read: nonsense) at the time Cloverfield was released that certain scenes were remenisent of the attacks on 9/11, and yes, I guess that if you want to look at it that way, then certain moments in the film were similar, but they were equally similar to scenes in Gorgo, Destroy All Monsters, Gamera vs. Barugon or any number of similar movies.

Cloverfield isn’t a movie you can watch over and over. It takes an age to get going, and when it finally does it can be frustrating viewing, but there’s much to enjoy – especially for a fan of the genre. Overall, it’s worth a watch – two, in fact, to see if you pick up all the shit you missed first time around.

10. CUTHROAT ISLAND (1995)

Ok, so the film was terrible and killed pirate movies for years until Pirates of the Caribbean, but the poster is brilliantly swashbuckling in the classic Errol Flynn/Douglas Fairbanks tradition. Promising high adventure on the high seas that the film sadly didn’t deliver, this is a case of the poster being better than the film itself.

9. THE NORSEMAN (1978)

Struzan’s artwork for The Norseman is ten times better than the film it’s advertising, but when the poster art is this good, does it really matter if the film was a stinker? Out Frazetta-ing Frazetta, Struzan delivered a classic painting that wouldn’t look out of place in a book of Robert E. Howard stories.

8. COMING TO AMERICA (1988)

The first legit good film on today’s list, Coming to America is a classic comedy starring a pre-Mel B Eddie Murphy in what might be his best role. It was the film that made Eddie Murphy a star and Struzan’s poster emphasises the star accordingly. Legend has it, the poster was designed for Crocodile Dundee II, but Paul Hogan nixed the idea. Never one to let a good idea die, Struzan recycled the concept for Coming to America and a classic movie poster was born.

7. THE THING (1982)

Struzan painted the poster for The Thing without any reference photos from the film and all he had to work on was someone telling him “it’s the same basic story as the original.” It’s a wonder he managed to create anything at all from such scant info, never mind an all time classic image. The poster tells you absolutley nothing about the film, but it does make you want to see it, and that, after all, is the point.

6. FIRST BLOOD (1982)

The first poster to advertise a movie by giving as a big guy holding a big gun, the central image of the First Blood poster has been copied and parodied so much is has become a cliche. The classic image of what an action movie hero should look like, the First Blood poster has become the way pretty much all action movies since advertise themselves.

5. THE BACK TO THE FUTURE TRILOGY (1985/89/90)

Three posters, yes, but as great as each individual poster is, they’re so much better when enjoyed as a whole. The first poster is so iconic that when it came time to design the poster for the sequel, Struzan designed countless posters before deciding to do what really should have been a no brainer – repeat the design of the original. There’s been much debate over whether or not Mary Steenbergen should be featured on the third poster, and a design exists showing just Marty and Doc in western gear – but for my money it balances the poster nicely.

4. INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL PROMOTIONAL POSTERS (2008)

Also known as “running Indy,” “swining Indy” and “whip Indy” these images weren’t used on the advance or main posters for the latest Indy movie, but were promotional images that turned up on everything from banners to desktop wallpaper to promotional cups and, yes, posters. Showing that no one draws Indy quite like Drew Struzan, my favorite is “whip Indy” which is the rarest of the three, tending only to turn up on huge billboards and hoardings.

3. THE STAR WARS TRILOGY SPECIAL EDITIONS (1996/97)

Anyone who was a Star Wars fan in the nineties will remember the excitment of seeing the Special Edition posters in cinemas. They were – and still are – breathtakingly beautiful and close-to-perfect representations of the Star Wars trilogy. However, you don’t really appreciate these posters until you see them side by side. Empire is the most important story in the Star Wars saga, and it’s only fitting that everything on these three posters explodes outward from the centre of the Empire poster.

2. MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE (1987)

Maybe I’m just being sentimental by putting the Masters of the Universe poster at number 2, and to be honest, it’s not as good as the Special Edition posters – but my list = my rules so there. For my money, Drew’s painting of Dolph Lungren deserves to be hanging next to the Mona Lisa in the Louvre. It’s an incredible peice of work that provides a link back to my childhood as it’s the first peice of Struzan art I remember seeing.

1. INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE (1989)

Drew Struzan loves drawing Indy. It’s clear from how bloody good at it he is. The third Indy movie has the best poster of any of the Struzan Indy posters (though the distinction of best Indy poster overall goes to the advance poster for Temple of Doom) and perfectly captures the adventure and joie de vivre of what was then thought to be the last Indiana Jones movie. Struzan also painted posters for the Indiana Jones Adventure at Disneyworld and a ton of Indy novels, but his poster for Last Crusade is undoubtedly his best work.

Sadly, Drew Struzan has retired from the movie business. His last poster was for the movie Super Capers, which I think about three people saw. To quote the man himself “the studios had turned their backs on “art” over the last number of years as most anyone has noticed.” I still hope for the day when the studios will turn back to art and someone – hopefully Struzan himself – will return and save us from the teal and orange nightmare that the multiplex lobby has become. End transmission.