10. Worst, robot, ever – Superman III

Superman III is not a good film. By any stretch of the imagination. The entire film is deeply, deeply flawed with a third rate Lex Luthor trying to monopolise the world’s coffee supply whilst Richard Pryor gurns and skis (more on that later) his way through the movie. The end of the film has Superman battling a robot (I forget how it gets here, but it’s not important.) Now, Superman has fought robots before (paging Metallo…) but this has got to be the worst robot the Man of Tomorrow ever faced, but also one of the worst robots well, ever.

9. “Put my daddy down!” – Superman II

Richard Lester is an Englishman who likes silliness and lowbrow comedy. Why, then, he was chosen to replace Richard Donner (who had already shot at least half of the movie) on Superman II. His ineptitude when it comes to adapting an American comic book reaches its nadir when the Kryponian badguys led by General Zod roll into a small midwestern town and begin running riot. Fair enough. There’s a moment when Zod and co. use some sort of telekinisis to raise a local farmhand about 20 feet in the hair and his tousel-haired son begs Zod to put him down. Again, fair enough, Except that Lester decided to cast the most English boy he could find, with a cut glass accent, to play said farmboy. So we have an American midwest farm town populated by English public schoolboys. Superfail. In the Donner cut, this scene is replaced with a kickass assault on the White House by Zod and pals, which is way, way cooler.

8. Lex Luthor: bald or not? – Superman IV: The Quest For Peace

This is something I’ve never seen referrenced anywhere else and I seem to be the only one who’s noticed it, which confuses me greatley since it sticks out like a sore thumb. In Superman and Superman II (not to mention Superman Returns) Lex Luthor is bald and ashamed of the fact so he wears various wigs to cover his bald head. Now, Gene Hackman had a full head of hair when he played Luthor for the first and second times, he used his own hair for the scenes when Luthor wore a wig and wore a baldcap for the bald scenes. However, in the years that passed between Superman and Superman IV, Gene Hackman had gone bald somewhat and declined to wear a wig. Therefore, in storyline terms, Luthor is wearing a wig with a bald spot and a high hairline to hide the fact that he is bald. I can’t seriously be the only one who noticed that!

7. Richard Pryor: Shins of Steel – Superman III

Christopher Reeve was perfectly cast as the Man of Steel, but the *real* Man of Steel in the Superman movies was Gus Gorman, the nerdy computer programmer played by Richard Pryor. Now, let me say that Pryor was a funny, funny man and he turns in a decent comedy performance in Superman III, but the script and direction let him down. There’s a scene where Gorman is on skis and ends up skiing of the top of a building, falling at least 50 stories before landing on an awning, breaking through, and landing on the street, on his feet. He makes a “comedy” pained face and walks away. Really. Superman is a Kryptonian uber-mensch, and yet he at least registers pain from time to time.

6. Piss on the entire point of the story… to save a few bucks – Superman II

Superman, at its heart, was a movie about a son with two fathers, both of which are lost to him. His real dad, Jor-El sacrifices himself to give his son a chance for life and his adoptive dad, Jonathan Kent (played by the great Glenn Ford) has a heart attack and dies when Clark is in his teens, giving Clark the motivation to become a hero: “all these powers and I couldn’t even save him.” It’s actually pretty powerful stuff, Jor-El’s speeches from across time and space to his son, telling him “you will make my strength your own. You will see my life through your eyes, as your life will be seen through mine. The son becomes the father and the father, the son.” The entire movie is based on this idea, with Clark fufilling the potential and claiming his birthright. Then, in the first sequel, Supes goes to the Fortress of Solitude and suddenly his mother and a random Kryptonian (who was against Jor-El in the original, and yet is now teaching his son) show up. All to save a few dollars by not hiring Marlon Brando again (even though the movie was bound to make a million billion bucks.) Thankfully, Richard Donner corrected this mistake when he was allowed to recut the movie and insert the footage he had shot that Laster rejected.

5. The Opening Sequence of – Superman III

Speaking of Richard Lester, if you ever needed more proof of his towering unsuitability for a Superman movie, look no further than the opening sequence of Superman III. To be fair, it’s a remarkable bit of slapstick cinema, but it’s so out of place in a Superman movie, neglecting to use to classic Superman swoopy blue credits or even John Williams’s stirring Superman march, opting instead to use a completley unmemorable peice of music and credits that look they were made using Windows Movie Maker. American TV execs may be idiots, but even they had the sense to replace the opening with something more in line with the first two and dubbing in a pretty kick ass version of the Superman theme. The strangest thing, and I’ve got no way to prove this, is the odd British-ness of the actors falling over, almost being drowned on dry land and being pied in the face. Metropolis is in America, right? And yet these people look like they’d be more at home in the Rovers’ Return.

6. Superman = Jesus – Superman Returns

There’s always been a bit of a messianic overtone with the Superman story – baby is born who shows extraordinary powers whilst growing up and goes on to save the world. But this has always been in the background, overlooked by kids who love the flying and stuff, but noticed by more astute viewers, giving the story another dimension to enjoy. Superman strikes the balance between fun and subtext prefectly, but, when the time came to make Superman Returns, Bryan Singer decided to beat us over the head with the message, at the expense of a lot of the fun stuff.

5. The Kents are strange – Superman: The Movie

Speaking of the Superman origin story, do the Kent’s actions upon finding young Kal-El strike anyone else as a bit… peculiar? Imagine you were in their place. You’re driving along and something explodes nearby. You stop to investigate and discover a young naked boy who can lift a truck above his head. Any reasonable person would look at this as being a tad weird and would probably drop this devil child off at the nearest police station or hospital. But no, what the Kents do is take this kid home with them and raise him as an All-American boy. With superpowers.

4. Superman rebuilds the Great Wall… with mind bullets! – Superman IV

Superman’s powers: flight, super strength, super speed, x-ray vision, heat vision, super breath, super hearing, super smell and enchanced stamina. I see nothing about telekenis in that list, and yet in Superman IV, following the destruction of the Great Wall of China, the Metropolis Marvel displays a hithero-unseen abilty to move objects with him mind (and a strange blue laser beam thing), rebuilding the Great Wall in a matter of seconds. He later uses this ability to levitate falling people and lower them safely to the ground. The Quest For Peace is undoubtedly one of the worst movies ever made, but the way it messes around with Superman’s powers annoys me greatley. That said, every Superman movie ever made does the same thing, ascribing to Supes powers that his creators never dreamed of. And after reading the next two entries on this list, I think you’ll agree that Superman’s mind over matter in VI is the least of our problems.

3. Clark Kent and the Rohypnol kiss – Superman II and Superman IV

Clark Kent, the All-American farmboy who grew up, moved to the big city and, paragon of virtue that he is, would never say boo to a goose, can a pretty creepy guy. Never more so than at the end of Superman II and again in Superman IV when he kisses Lois Lane with a mouthful of roofie saliva that makes Lois forget everything that has just happened. What I want to know is, does he ever get tempted to misuse this? Does he scour nightclubs and back alleys, picking up women and having his way with them before planting the kiss of forgetfulness on them? Or does he ever put it to good use, smacking supervillains on the lips making them forget their evil plans? It might be a bit wierd, but that would save him a hell of a lot of legwork. Like, for example, at the end of Superman when Luthor tells Big Blue about the missles, why didn’t Superman pucker up and plant one on Luthor, making him forget his entire evil scheme?

2. Turning the world back – Superman

Ok, so we’ve seen Telekenitic Superman and Flunitrazepam Superman, let’s try Time Travel Superman on for size. At the end of the first movie, Superman saves the day and puts wrong to right, but Lois Lane dies in the process. So, Supes flies up into space and flies backward around the world so quickly that the planet spins backward, turning back time, bringing Lois back to life. How this doesn’t case the faultline to reopen, the valley to reflood and how Supes doesn’t meet himself is glossed over and not mentioned. It also makes Superman look like a bit of a douche, that he’s willing to fuck with history in order to bring his chain-smoking, hatchet-faced crush back to life. So, yeah, in addition to ESP and Rohypnol saliva, the Superman of the movies is also capable of turning back time. Again, why does he never use this power again. Lex Luthor is threatening to destroy New York with a lazer but I don’t want to miss the end of Dr. Who, so I’ll just let him go ahead and do it; I can always turn the world back and stop him.

1. The polythene “S” – Superman II

And so it comes to this – the single most idiotic moment in a series full of such moments. The end of Superman II.  After somehow creating holographic versions of himself to fool General Zod and his cohorts – a WTF moment in itself – Superman peels the “S” off of his chest and throws it, fresbee style, at Zod’s retarded henchman, causing it to wrap around him and trap him in a giant red and yellow polythene bag. He falls to the ground and seconds later the bag disintergates and the guy’s ready to attack again. Family Guy put it best: “that was a minor inconveince.” Without doubt, the silliest moment in the entire series and truly deserving of the top place of today’s list. Not only is it idiotic, but insulting to the viewer’s intelligence – and that, even in a comic book movie, is unforgivable since it destroys any sense of verismillitude or suspension of disbelief that the viewer has developed. That said, there’s so much idiocy in Superman II that it’s close to impossible to build up any suspension of disbelief at all. Thank fuck then, for the Richard Donner cut, which cut out 99% of this nonsense and presents us with, shock horror, a pretty good movie.

Superman: The Movie, Superman II: The Richard Donner Cut and Superman Returns are all good movies, but it’s a real shame that only one Superman movie is truly great (the first, of course). The first would be the definitive Superman movie if the studio had allowed Donner to use his original ending – Superman saves the day and the missle thrown into space knocks Zod and co. out of the Phantom Zone and brings them to earth, setting up a cliffhanger for the second movie and also eliminating the stupid time travel and forgetful kisses. The Donner cut of Superman II opens with the original ending of Superman and ends with the Kryptonian villains killing Lois, causing Supes to do his time travel trick, which whilst still annoying, works a lot better than in the original movie. In any case, that’s our top ten worst Superman movie moments. I know I missed the whole “breathing in space” thing from Quest For Peace, and if that bugs you, let me know below. End transmission.

10. Lieutennant Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica

An obvious knock off of Han Solo from the Star Wars trilogy, the ace Viper pilot Lt. Starbuck nonetheless is cool enough to make the list. Played by Dirk “Face from off of The A-Team” Bennedict in the grad tradition of Flash Gordon-esque swashbuckling sci fi heroes, the popularity of Starbuck apparently pissed Richard Hatch off, who felt that his character of Apollo was being sidelined to make room for more episodes starring Bennedict.

9. Captain Jean-Luc Picard from Star Trek: The Next Generation

A bit of a controversial one here since there are those who think that Picard should be in the top spot on this list, but for my money, Picard’s in his rightful place at number nine. A man who would seemingly rather sit in his ready room and hold meetings rather than actually, yanno, *do* something, Picard has nonetheless negotiated his way into saving the universe a couple times and for that he is worthy of inclusion.

8. The T-800 from Terminator 2: Judgement Day

The only character on this list to have been both the baddie and the goodie, Schwarzenegger’s heroic T-800 from T2 has become a pop cultural icon and one of the most parodied characters in cinema history. After fighting on the side of Skynet in the first movie, the Austrian Oak returned, reprogrammed and fighting the good fight in the sequel.

7. Flash Gordon

dumdumdumdumdumdumdum FLASH! Ah-ahhhh! He’ll save every one us! Well, he’s been saving every one of us in books, comics, radio, TV shows, and movies since 1934 and it doesn’t look like he’s planning to stop any time soon. Created by Alex Raymond (one of the most underrated and unappreciated men in comics history) the “saviour of the universe” has been battling the forces of Emperor Ming in every form of media and Freddie Mercury was not using hyperbole when he described Flash as “king of the impossible.”

6. Han Solo from Star Wars

The role that made Harrison Ford a star. Be honest, who hasn’t wanted to be Han Solo at some point in their life? The coolest guy ever to wear a waistcoat and buddies with a death dealing walking carpet, the cocky smuggler Han Solo is undoubtedly the best character in Star Wars. He’s at his best in A New Hope when he’s arrogant, wisecracking and absolutley 100% uninterested in the Rebellion’s cause. His character becomes watered down the more into the rebellion he gets, but he still maintains that smuggler cool, even when he’s being upstaged by Ewoks.

5. Mr. Spock from Star Trek

Flawlessly logical and endlessly cool (in the “as a cucumber” sense of the word) the half Vulcan-half human Mr. Spock was Captain Kirk’s second-in-command and right-hand-man. Acting as a calm and rational counterpoint to the passion and emotion of Kirk and Dr. McCoy, Spock was absolutley invaluable to both the fictional sucess of the Enterprise’s missions and the very real sucess of Star Trek.

4. Luke Skywalker from Star Wars

He was never as cool as Han Solo, but from a heroic standpoint Luke places higher than Han. The son of Darth Vader and brother of Princess Leia, Luke’s journey from simple farmboy to Jedi Knight is – despite what Lucas might say about Vader and/or the droids – the true story being told in the original Star Wars trilogy. The real trick Lucas played with Luke was casting Mark Hamill, an actor capable of going from gormless boy to mature and confident man. Whether he’s destroying the Death Star in ANH, trying to save his friends in TESB or redeeming his father in ROTJ, Luke is the real hero in the Star Wars trilogy.

3. Superman

Some of his powers and adventures might be more fantasy than science fiction, but his origin is pure scifi. The last son of Krypton, sent to earth from his dying home planet as a child in a rocketship built by his scientist father, Superman has saved his adoptive home – not to mention the entire universe – on occasions innumerable. Constantly threatened by evil geniuses, mechanical robots, giant apes and interdimensional tricksters, Superman also has to face some very human problems such as dealing with his boss, his pushy girlfriend and his nerdish friends. Known as the Man of Steel, the Man of Tomorrow and, ocassionaly, the Metropolis Marvel, Superman is not only comic’s greatest hero, but also one of science fiction’s.

2. Captain James T. Kirk from Star Trek

Every so often a character and an actor become so inextricably linked that it’s impossible for any other actor to play the role. Chris Pine learned this the hard way when he tried to essay the role of Jim Kirk in the 2009 Star Trek reboot. Now and forever, Captain Kirk and William Shatner are all but one and the same. Kirk is the classic image of the authoritarian who’s not afraid to play by his own rules when the going gets tough. Captain, of course, of the USS Enterprise, Kirk has saved the galaxy more times than I’ve had hot dinners.

1. The Doctor from Dr. Who

If Captain Kirk is the epitome of a sci fi hero in a uniform, then the Doctor is the ultimate sci fi renegade. The Gallifreyan Time Lord has probably saved the universe more times than anyone, and yet can be a bit of a bastard himself – stealing the TARDIS, almost strangling his companion Peri, frequently losing his temper and being guilty of some shocking wardrobe choices. Played by eleven actors (so far) – Peter Davidson, Matt Smith, Patrick Troughton and Jon Pertwee being some of my favorites – my all time favorite Doctor however is Colin Baker. Sadly Baker was never given much of a chance in the role (Timothy Dalton comes to mind) and the scripts he was given let him down somewhat, but he was brilliant in the role, pitching his performance somewhere between the grumpiness of Hartnel, the quirkiness of Tom Baker and the nice-guy-ness of Davidson. In any case, the character of the Doctor is without question science fiction’s greatest hero and one of its most beloved characters.

Whether we’re being attacked by Ming the Merciless, the Cybermen, the Klingons or Lex Luthor, we can always count one of of these guys to save the day. This list could easily have been a top twenty, so whittling it down to just ten wasn’t easy. Annoyed that I’ve missed out one of your favorites? Let me know your thoughts below. End transmission.

10. The Galactic Confederacy from L. Ron Hubbard’s bullshit made up “religion” Scientology.

Though it’s presented as fact, L. Ron Hubbard’s nonsense about Xenu and the Galactic Confedarcy is just zany enough (even by religion’s standards) to make the list. According to the late Hubbard and his idiot celebrity followers, 75 million years ago the dictator of the Galactic Confederacy brought his people to earth in spacecraft that looked remarkably like DC-8s. He put them near volcanoes and blew them up using H-Bombs, but the spirits of these beings survived and cause spiritual harm to people to this day. Scientologists like to play down this aspect of their “religion” but the fact is that despite what Tom Cruise, Will Smith, John Travolta, Lisa-Marie Presley, Jason Lee, Courtney Love Leah Remini, Billy Sheenan, Kirstie Alley, Peaches Geldof, Issac Hayes, Jenna Elfman, Catherine Bell and Juliette Lewis and countless other idiots might tell you, this is what Scientologists actually believe.

9. The Sontaran Empire from Dr. Who

Ok, from bullshit to real science fiction, we move from Battlefield Earth to a race of grumpy baked potatoes. The Sontarans first appeared in the Jon Pertwee era and were last seen, well, last week menacing Matt Smith’s Doctor. Reproducing through cloning rather than more… conventional means, the Sontarans look remarkably similar and signify rank through coloured outfits. At war with the Rutan Empire for the last 50,000 years, and with a garrison numbering in the billions, the Sontarans may look like potatoes, but they are a force to be reckoned with.

8. The Kree Empire from Marvel Comics

With an empire spanning thousands of worlds, the blue/pink skinned Kree first appeared in a 1967 issue of Fantastic Four. With a population of over 30 billion prior to the detonation of a nega-bomb which killed 98% of the Kree race, the Kree’s greatest hero was Captain Mar-Vell (not to be confused with Captain Marvel, of course) who later became a Skrull (it’s complicated.) Brilliantly, the Kree have come up with a mathematical equation that disproves the existence of any deities which is taught to all Kree children at “the same time we teach them not to soil themselves with excrement.”

7. The Terran Empire from Star Trek

Or; the Anti-Federation. The mirror universe (that place where Spock has a beard) equivalent of the United Federation of Planets, the Terran Empire is much more militaristic and ruthless than its real-universe counterpart. Continually embroiled in warfare with other planets and species and as far removed from the “peace and understanding” attitude of the Federation as its possible to be, the Terran Empire is as aggressive and opportunistic as the Klingon Empire in the real-universe.

6. The Skrull Empire from Marvel Comics

From the planet Skrullos in the Andromeda galaxy come the Skrulls. Created by Lee and Kirby in Fantastic Four #2, the Skrull Empire is made up of a race of greenskinned shapeshifters. A thorn in the side of the Marvel heroes since their inception, the once mighty Skrull Empire has now fallen, which is why, cool as the Skrulls are, they just miss out on the top five.

5. The Romulan Empire from Star Trek

Based – obviously – on the ancient Roman Empire and looking suspiously like Vulcans, the Romulan Empire was first encountered in TOS episode Balance of Power with Mark “Spock’s Dad” Lenard playing the Romulan commander. Ruthless and cunning, the Romulan Empire is larger than the Klingon Empire but smaller than, not to mention surrounded by, the Federation.

4. The Cylon Empire from Battlestar Galactica

Proof that intelligence isn’t nessecarily needed when creating an empire, the profoundly stupid Cylons nonetheless managed to destroy all but a handful of humans and, having done this, found that they had little else to do except hunt down the ones that got away. If there’s no more planets left to conquer and the only way to fill your days is to spend them chasing Ben Cartwright and Face from the A Team across the galaxy then you know you’ve got a hell of an empire.

3. The Dalek Empire from Dr. Who

The infamous arch enemies of the Doctor, the Dalek Empire, controlled by the Emperor Dalek on Skaro, have been the Doctor’s most pressing problem since the menacing pepperpots’ first apperance in 1963. Organisms called Kaleds encased in mechanical tank-like shells, the Daleks will no doubt continue trying to exterminate their way to galactic dominance long after the Doctor has used up all his regenerations.

2. The Klingon Empire from Star Trek

Bound by a strict code of honor, the Klingons are the most famous badguys ever to menace the crew of the good ship Enterprise. Based on the Klingon homeword of Qo’noS, the Klingon Empire was originally a fuedal monarchy with a descendent of the legendary warrior Kahless the Unforgettable as Emperor, however the real power lay with the Chancellor and the Klingon High Council. Once sworn enemies of the Federation, relations have warmed somewhat between the Klingons and the Federation, but the Klingon propensity of violence means that the peace can only last so long.

1. The Galactic Empire from Star Wars

The only empire on this list known only as “The Empire,” the Galactic Empire ruled over by Emperor Palpatine in the Star Wars trilogy is the only choice for the top spot on our list. With the Emperor pulling the strings, Darth Vader acting as a figurehead and brilliant military tactitians like Grand Moff Tarkin doing the dirty work, the Galactic Empire wielded more power than any other empire on today’s list and, despite their eventual defeat by a plucky band of rebels, were probably the most feared. With hundreds of planets across the galaxy under their control, the Galactic Empire were for a time the undoubted rulers of the universe, making them the only empire on the list to achieve it’s goal of galactic domination.

From Dr. Who to the religion of moronic celebrities; from Marvel comics to Battlestar Galactica; and, of course, the brothers Star, the notion of empires in sci fi is one that writers continually turn to when they need strong badguys for their heroes to fight. Since this top ten covered both sci fi and comics and since I’ve been writing a lot about the horror genre of late, I think we’re due something different next, so stay tuned. End transmission.

Oh, one last thing. I’m going into hospital tomorrow for a (reasonably minor) operation, so cross your fingers and toes for me and I’ll check in as soon as I can. End transmission.

10. Ronald Reagan IS… Rick Blaine!

Eventually played by: Humphrey Bogart

To be honest, there’s every chance this is just Hollywood bullshit, but there’s a rumor that wont go away that future president Ronald Reagan was offered the lead in Casablanca, but turned it down. With Reagan in the lead, it would’ve been an acceptable movie; Bogart made it a classic. That said, Bogart became one of the most popular movie stars ever and Regan somehow became one of the most (bafflingly) popular presidents ever, so all’s well that ends well, I guess.

9. Tom Selleck IS… Indiana Jones!

Eventually played by: Harrison Ford

To be honest, this one might have worked. Selleck has that same laconic charm as Harrison Ford (although, admittedly, he has far less of it) and if we couldn’t have Ford, Selleck would’ve done. That said, I don’t think it would’ve turned into the franchise it became with Selleck in the lead.

8. Laurence Olivier IS… Don Corleone!

Eventually played by: Marlon Brando

Another one that I kinda see working. Someone on IMDB commented that Olivier would’ve acted rather than stuffing his cheeks with cotton wool and mumbling, but that’s a bit unfair, methinks. Brando turned in an incredible performance, but surley I’m not the only one who’d love to see what the world’s greatest Shakesperian would’ve done with the role.

7. James Cagney IS… Robin Hood!

Eventually played by: Errol Flynn

Ok, so now we’re getting into the stuff I really don’t see working. Whilst making A Midsummer Night’s Dream with Cagney as Bottom, a studio exec suggested Cagney as Robin Hood. Had Cagney not walked off the Warner Bros. lot, he would’ve been the man in tights and Erroll Flynn would’ve been an also-ran. Cagney is one of my favorite actors, but I can’t imagine him in green tights spitting out dialouge about Normans and Saxons and “every free man in England” in his stacatto Bronx accent.

6. Nicholas Cage IS… Superman!

Eventually played by: Brandon Routh

Believe it or not, there was a while there when the next Superman movie was going to be Kevin Smith’s Superman Lives directed by Tim Burton and starring Nicholas Cage as the Man of Steel. Tim Burton being Tim Burton, this wouldn’t have been a Superman story as we know them, but it would’ve been a Burtonised nightmare starring a hero that looks like that picture above. Still think Brandon Routh sucked?

5. Robert Redford IS… Rocky Balboa!

Eventually played by: Sylvester Stallone

When Sylvester Stallone pitched Rocky to studio executives they were all over the idea like a dog eating beetroot, but with one condition. They didn’t want Stallone – previously seen in only softcore porn and Corman exploitation – playing the lead in his own movie and would much rather have a bankable star as Rocky. Their first choice? Robert Redford. The blonde haired, blue eyed Sundance festival founder as the Itallian Stallion? Apollo would’ve put his ass on the mat in the first round.

4. Christopher Walken IS… Han Solo!

Eventually played by: Harrison Ford.

The part of Han Solo was offered to Harrison Ford, Kurt Russell and Christopher Walken. With Russell in the part I reckon the trilogy would’ve gone ahead much as it did, but with Christopher Walken Captain Solo is something I really can’t imagine. Walken, as awesome as he is, just doesn’t have the laconic charm to play the rougeish Han Solo.

3. Al Pacino IS… John Rambo!

Eventually played by: Sylvester Stallone.

Let me first say that the Rambo of the movies is something very different from the Rambo of the book “First Blood” by David Morrell and, in a pervese sort of way, I can kinda see Al Pacino as the Rambo of the novel, but as the Rambo of the movies – especially First Blood Part II and Rambo III – Al Pacino is about the last guy I’d put in that role. Can you really see Tony Montana stripped to the waist sporting a bandana, a bandolier and a Browning? Thought not.

EDIT: Since posting this, I’ve noticed the astonishing similarity between the two pictures above.  Creepy…

2. Frank Sinatra IS… Harry Callahan!

Eventually played by: Clint Eastwood.

Sinatra might have done it his way, but saints be praised Clint got to do Dirty Harry HIS way. To be fair, Sinatra – in a round about sort of way – played John McLane long before Bruce Willis did (no, really, swear to god – see below) but by the time the seventies rolled around and Dirty Harry went into production, Ol’ Blue Eyes was a little too old to play the eponymous detective. That said, Charles Bronson was pretty awesome in Death Wish despite his advanced years, but seriously, can you really see the Chairman of the Board wielding a .44 Magnum and asking punks if they feel lucky?

1. Adam West IS… James Bond!

Eventually played by: George Lazenby

Yup, you read that right, Adam West was approached to take over from Sean Connery but declined saying that he felt Bond should be British. Now, hear me out. I think Adam West could’ve been a great Bond – he certainly was good looking enough (and certainly looked the part – look at that picture, just add a gun and you have 007), could handle himself physically and was great with a one liner, but perhaps it’s for the best that he never took the part. Among others considered for the role are Richard Burton, Jeremy Brett (if only), Oliver Reed, Christopher Reeve, Burt Reynolds, James Brolin, Steve Reeves (!), Ewan McGregor, Clint Eastwood (really) and Sam Neil.

A note on the Frank Sinatra/John McLane:
John McLane – or, as he was originally named Joe Leland – first appeared in the novel “The Detective” by Roderick Thorp. This movie was made into a film starring Frankie. The novel’s sequel “Nothing Lasts Forever” became the basis for Die Hard with the character renamed John McLane and played by Bruce Willis.

Anyway, leave a comment if you have anything interesting to say. Hell, leave a comment even if you don’t. Something on comics soon, I swear! End transmission.

10. The Monster Squad

Any kid who grew up loving monster movies saw and loved this movie. A group of kids teaming up with Frankenstein’s Monster and Van Helsing to take out Dracula, the Mummy, the Wolf Man and the Creature from the Black Lagoon? Yes, please. A sequel, of course, could’ve brought the Count back with a bunch of new monsters for round two, but sadly our monster kid prayers were never answered.

9. Enter the Dragon

Bruce Lee could’ve been the Asian James Bond had Enter the Dragon been sequelled and made into a series. Unfortunatley, the little issue of Bruce’s death got in the way and what could have been an awesome film series was never to be. Enter the Dragon plays a lot like a Bond movie – the villain even has a Persian Cat – and it’s easy to imagine a series of four or five movies starring Lee being sent to take down various chop socky badguys.

8. The Rocketeer

The Rocketeer is a great characte and a great comic but a pretty forgetable movie made the character pretty much unknown amongst casual movie fans these days. Given the chance to develop with another movie or two, the Rocketeer could easily be as well known today as Indiana Jones or James Bond.  A series about a guy with a jetpack vs all manner of nefearious Nazis and Commies – sounds good to me.

7. Cloverfield

I still hold out hope for a Cloverfield sequel.  The way I see it is we either continue the story or we see the first movie from another angle, be it another group of people with a camera or in a more traditional monster movie style, but either way, I want to see more. The cool thing with Cloverfield was that we, as monster movie fans, know the granite jawed generals ad bespectacled scientists were hard at work somewhere, but we never saw them. A sequel (or, more acurately, an “equal”) told in a more conventional manner would be cool to see.

6. Dracula

The 1979 version starring the great Frank Langella here, I for one would love to see the continuation of the story. The film strongly hints that Dracula perhaps survives the film but, sadly, Langella wasn’t interested – he had played Dracula for years on Broadway before appearing in the movie and he felt it was time to move on. A shame, but not an insurmountble obstacle since Langella was suceeded in the role on stage by none other than Jeremy Brett. Jeremy Brett as Dracula in an unashamedly lavish and romantic sequel to an unashamedly lavish and romantic original? If only.

5. The Shadow

Like Dracula, the ending of The Shadow strongly hints at a sequel, but alas it was never to be. The Shadow is one of my favorite comic book characters so it’s perhaps selfishness on my part to wish there had been at least one sequel, but still, it would’ve been great to see Alec Baldwin back as the living shadow. With a history dating back to 1930, story ideas were hardly thin on the ground, but the film wasn’t the runaway sucess the studio hoped it would be, so any and all sequels were nixed. A real shame – and maybe they could’ve even fixed the makeup and made it less goofy.

4. Conan the Destroyer

To be fair, a new Conan movie is coming out next year, but Oliver Stone and John Millius’ original plan of doing a Conan movie every two years or so and making it an ongoing series a-la 007 sadly never came to fruition. The idea was to bring the Governator back and use a new Robert Howard inspired plot each time, but the failure of Conan the Destroyer to set the box office on fire killed that idea deader than one of Conan’s enemies. There was talk of a new Conan movie with Triple H a while ago, but nothing came of it and, best of all, there were rumours of a movie starring Arnie as King Conan flew around but, sadly, it never happened.

3. On Her Majesty’s Secret Service

Diamonds Are Forever doesn’t count. What I would loved to have seen is a continuation of the story laid out in OHMSS, starring George Lazenby, and showing Bond trying to deal with the death of Tracy, messing up a mission and being fired by M and then setting out, License to Kill-style, to find and kill Blofeld. Bond in DAF doesn’t seem to give a toss that Blofeld killed his wife, trading barbs with the guy like they’re old sparring partners.

2. Army of Darkness

Regardless of wether we’re talking about the original S-Mart ending or the “I slept too long” ending, Army of Darkness is wide open for a sequel. Ash in the present day wiping out Deadites? Yes, please. Ash in post-apocolyptic England wiping out Deadites? Yes, please. Either way, I’m a happy guy. Or not, as the case may be, since a sequel was never made. With a budget of $11 million and a domestic gross of $11.5 million it’s no surprise that a sequel was never forthcoming, but a guy can dream, right? The real question, of course, is wether it would be called Evil Dead 3 or Army of Darkness 2…

1. Return of the Jedi

You’d think I’d have learned my lesson after the prequel trilogy, but I can’t help but wish Lucas would lure Harrison Ford back into the old waistcoat and convince Mark Hamill to wield a lightsaber three more times and give us episodes VII, VIII and IX. Timothy Zahn already wrote a sequel trilogy, so the stories are there, and it’s not as through Lucas doesn’t have the money, so what’s the hold up? I sat through Indiana Jones 4, so the way I see it is Lucas and Ford *owe* me at least one more Star Wars movie. But please, no Ewoks or Gungans this time, I’m begging you.

Admittedly, if sequels to these movies had been made, there’s every chance they would’ve sucked, but still, it’s fun to imagine what might have been. In any case, gimmie your thoughts below. Something about comics next, I promise. No, really! End transmission.

An promised: something on comics. Unless he’s a guy like Superman, Thor or Captain Marvel, your average superhero is often limited to just one or two specialised powers – the Flash, for example can run really fast, but that’s it. It makes sense, therefore, for superheroic types to team up and form groups in order to better combat crime. Submitted for your approval: the top ten superhero teams. Onward!

10. THE HOWLING COMMANDOS

Notable members: Nick Fury, Dum Dum Dugan, Izzy Cohen, Dino Maneli and Rebel Ralston.
Before Nick Fury was an agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. and before he looked like Samuel L. Jackson, he was the leader of the Howling Commandos, a group of soldiers during WW2. Originally made up of human GIs, a later version of the group took a more supernatural bent with members including Nina Price, N’Kantu, Gorilla-Man and Frankenstein’s Monster.

9. THE DEFENDERS

Notable members: Doctor Strange, the Incredible Hulk, Namor and the Silver Surfer.
A group of heroes known more as individuals than team players, the Defenders were first brought together by Roy Thomas and Ross Andru in Marvel Feature #1. Other notable members have included Hawkeye, Hellcat, Beast and Luke Cage.

8. THE JUSTICE SOCIETY OF AMERICA

Notable members: The Flash, Doctor Fate, Green Lantern, Mister America, Doctor Mid-Nite and Liberty Belle.
The original superhero team, making their first apperance in 1940 and featuring the classic Golden Age versions of the Flash and the Green Lantern, the Justice Society of America were the prototype for every team that followed. An updated version of the team appeared in 1999 with members such as Stargirl, Hourman, Judomaster and Power Girl.

7. THE GREEN LANTERN CORPS.

Notable members: Alan Scott, Hal Jordan, Kyle Rayner, John Stewart, Kilowog and Guy Gardner.
Less a team and more an orginisation, the Green Lantern Corps operate as a sort of intergalactic police squad, patrolling their assigned planets and keeping the peace. Members of the GLC have also been members of other groups, most famously Hal Jordan in the JLA and Alan Scott in the JSA.

6. THE MINUTEMEN/THE WATCHMEN

Notable members: Rorsach, Ozymandias, Nite Owl, the Comedian, Captain Manhattan and the Silk Spectre.
Known as the Minutemen in the comics and the Watchmen in the movie, the characters of Watchmen are among the most layered and interesting in comics. Inspired by various characters from classic comics, the characters from Watchmen are, thanks to the success of the movie adaptation, almost as well known to casual audiences as Superman and Batman.

5. THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN

Notable members: Mina Harker, Doctor Henry Jekyll/Edward Hyde, Alan Quatermain, Captain Nemo and Hawley Griffin.
A group of Victorian literary characters brought together by Alan Moore to protect the intrests of the British Empire. Employed by Mycroft (bother of Sherlock) Holmes, the League have encountered many famous characters, including Victorian characters John Carter of Mars, Fu Manchu and more recent characters such as James Bond, Emma Peel and Bulldog Drummond.

4. THE X-MEN

Notable members: Cyclops, Wolverine, Storm, Iceman, Shadowcat, Emma Frost, Beast and Jean Grey.
More famous now for Hugh Jackman than as a comic series, the X-Men are nonetheless a classic superhero team. Certainly the most diverse of all the groups of heroes, the X-Men were created by comics gods Stan Lee and Jack Kirby in 1963 are have remained one of the House of Ideas’ most enduring creations with what seems like seventy four million spin off comic book series and four hit movies of varying quality.

3. THE FANTASTIC FOUR

Notable members: Mister Fantastic, the Human Torch, the Thing, the Invisible Girl.
The first hero group of the modern age of comics, the FF were revolutionary when they were introduced as the were the first heroes not to wear costumes (at first) and whose secret identities were known to everyone. Led by Reed “Mr. Fantastic” Ricards, the FF were granted their powers when their experimental spaceship was bombarded by “cosmic rays.”

2. THE AVENGERS

Notable members: Captain America, Thor, Iron Man, Giant Man and the Wasp.
I’ve written before on this very blog about the Avengers and they’re one on my favorite superhero teams. First appearing in 1963, the Avengers have undergone more roster changes than almost any other group of heroes, but the classic Cap/Thor/Iron Man trio at the heart of the team is one of the most enduring partnerships in comics.

1. THE JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA

Notable members: Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, the Flash, the Green Lantern, Hawk Man and Aquaman.
For sheer star power alone, the JLA make the top spot on our list. The list of past and present members reads like a who’s who of DC comics, with everyone from Supergirl to the Martian Manhunter joining the roster at one time or another. Formed in 1960 by the great Gardner Fox in The Brave and the Bold #28, the JLA have been protecting the world in one form or another ever since.

I guess the message here is even superheroes get lonley sometimes. Either that or might makes right, but that’s a tad too facistic for my taste, so we’ll stick to the first one. In any case, lemmie know your thoughts below and stay tuned for the next thrilling installment of the never ending top ten series. End transmission.

10. MICROCHIP, sidekick of THE PUNISHER

Considered by many to be one of the most pointless characters in comics (a position I tend to agree with) Micro nonetheless makes the list at number ten. Acting as a sort of Q (from the Bond movies) figure, Micro aids the Punisher by providing weaponry (where he gets it from is never explained) and by hacking inot somputer systems to obtain info on crimes. Micro was killed off in regular continuity a while back, but for some reason some genius at Marvel decided to bring him back from the dead for no real reason at all.

9. RICK JONES, sidekick of THE INCREDIBLE HULK

Rick Jones is a rarity in comics. A sidekick who doesn’t really get on with his partner and doesn’t have any sort of secret identity. Hell, I’m not even sure Hulk knew Rick Jones existed since their entire relationship seemed to be “holy shit, Hulk’s on the rampage, better call the Avengers.” Later on, through a series of events to complicated to recount here, Rick became the costumed hero Captain Mar-Vell, spelled in so ridiculous a manner so as not to cause confusion and possibly lawsuits with the Big Red Cheese.

8. HARLEY QUINN, sidekick of THE JOKER

Ok, so Harley’s not really a sidekick, but she’s included on Wikipedia’s “list of superhero sidekicks” page and that’s good enough reason for me to include her adorable self here. Created by that dirty old man of comics Bruce Timm, Harley was once the Joker’s doctor before he worked his magic on her and made her fall in love with him. She’s been loyally at the side of her “puddin’” ever since, despite Mr. J.’s frequent bouts of irritation with her.

7. KATO, sidekick of THE GREEN HORNET

Yeah, yeah, I know, I know. Kato probably shouldn’t be on the list since he wasn’t created for comics, but Harvey, Dell, Gold Key and NOW have all printed Green Hornet comics and, at the end of the day, it’s my fucking list so there. Most memorably played by Bruce Lee in the sixties Green Hornet TV show, Kato is not only a kung-fu kicking badass, but also a skilled mechanic and engineer, building GH’s awesome Black Beauty car and his gas gun gadget.

6. EBONY WHITE, sidekick of THE SPIRIT

From a sensitivley portrayed minority character (Kato) to an… erm, somewhat less sensitivley portrayed character, the sidekick of the legendary Spirit, Ebony White. To be fair, Will Eisner was praised by various organisations for including a black character in his strips, but today it all seems a bit off. Truth be told, all of the characters in Will Eisner’s Spirit strips looked wierd, but here’s a thing – what’s worse: the fact that the character exists (and has since been retconned into something more closely resembling a human being) or the fact that the character was completley left out of the recent (and shitty) movie The Spirit?

5. DEMOLITION MAN, sidekick of THE CAPTAIN

A character that very few people have heard of, Demolition Man featured heavily in the “Captain America No More” arc – for my money the best comic book storyline ever – and ultimately gave his life to help Cap’s cause. D-Man started life as Dennis Dunphy, pro-wrestler, before donning a strange Daredevil/Wolverine hybrid costume and joining “The Captain”‘s band of vigilantes. It was later revealed that D-Man had survived the plane crash that everyone thought had killed him, but fuck that. As far as I’m concerned, D-Man made the ultimate sacrifice for what he believed in, making him more of a hero than most.

4. BATGIRL, sidekick of BATMAN

If only for the sucession of hot costumes the character has worn, Batgirl swings onto the list at number four. Most famously Barbara Gordon, daughter of Commisioner Gordon, Batgirl made her first apperance in 1961 and has been pretty much a constant ally of Batman’s ever since. Wether it’s the classic Babs Gordon Batgirl of the comics, Yvonne Craig in skin tight purple spandex in the TV series, Alicia Silverstone in black rubber in the woeful Batman and Robin, the full face masked Cassandra Cain, or the current Stephanie Brown incarnation of the character, Batgirl is more than just a pretty face.

3. FALCON, sidekick of CAPTAIN AMERICA

The first black superhero not to have “black” as part of his name and the first Afrian-American superhero ever (Black Panther is African, not African-American), Falcon accompanied old Winghead through some of his greatest adventures, including the aforementioned “Cap No More” arc. Created by Stan the Man and Gene Colan in 1969, Falcon was groundbreaking in that his colour was never even mentioned, unlike say, the Black Panther for instance. As a sidenote, Falcon’s nephew is Jim Wilson, the Incredible Hulk character who was comics’ first openly HIV positive character. As well as all this historically important stuff, it’s also worth noting that Falcon can fucking fly, which is always cool.

2. BUCKY, sidekick of CAPTAIN AMERICA

Bucky Barnes has been one of the most important characters in the Captain America mythology since his first apperance in 1941′s Captain America Comics #1. Most famous for being Cap’s sidekick throughout World War 2 before his death at the hands of Baron Zemo, Bucky’s untimley demise is why there are so few teenage sidekicks in the Marvel universe (unlike DC’s Robin, Batgirl, Kid Flash, etc.) the reasoning being that no responsible hero can endanger a child. Cap has always been haunted by the death of Bucky, and for many years comics fans had a saying, “no one stays dead except Bucky” but in 2005 Bucky was brought back from beyond the grave as Winter Soldier. Since the death (and subsequent ressurrection) of Cap, Bucky has assumed the mantle of Captain America.

1. ROBIN, sidekick of BATMAN

The butt of many, many jokes and a thorn in the side of so-called “serious” comics fans since his incepton in 1940, the fact is the world of comics would be a far different place if not for Robin. Orphaned by criminals at a young age, Dick Grayson is taken in by Bruce Wayne and trained as his sidekick. Donning a costume as far removed from his partner’s as possible, he becomes the “Boy Wonder” Robin. After Dick Grayson left Gotham to become Nightwing, Jason Todd became the new Robin only to be brutally murdered by the Joker. His sucessor, Tim Drake has had more sucess and *his* sucessor Stephanie Brown became Batgirl. After the apparent death of Bruce Wayne, Dick Grayson took up the mantle of the Bat and Bruce’s son Damien Wayne became the new Robin. A splash of colour in the sometimes drab Batman universe, Robin gets the shit end of the stick far too much for my liking. Far as I’m concerned, if there’s a Batman, there should be a Robin and if morose Alan Moore fans don’t like it, they can jolly well fuck off.

Bloody Captain bloody America and his nine million bloody sidekicks. You think he’d learn his lesson. Anyway, I’m sure I’ve said at least one thing in there you disagree with, so get commenting! End transmission.

10. MAN-WOLF

Ok, first up on our countdown is J. Jonah Jameson’s son John, astronaut, future husband of She Hulk and lycanthropic thorn in the side of your friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man. After a space mission goes wrong, a ruby on the moon grafts itself to Jameson’s body causing him to become a werewolf upon his return to earth. Don’t ask me how, just accept it and move on. When John Jameson was introduced as MJ’s new fiance in Spider-Man 2, I had high hopes Man-Wolf would put in an appearance in Spider-Man 3, but alas, it was not to be.

9. KRAVEN THE HUNTER

Yeah, his costume is one of the silliest in comics but it’s my list and if I want Kraven to be number nine, then Kraven’ll be number nine goddamnit! Like the giant octopus on the Harryhausen list, Kraven is a sentimental favorite of mine. First appearing in 1964 and appearing (as a ghost, granted) in comics to this day, Kraven may be a Marvel C-Lister, but the whole concept of a “great white hunter” type trying to hunt and kill Spider-Man is pretty cool.

8. LIZARD

When Dr. Curt Connors lost his arm and replaced it using reptilian DNA a classic Spider-Man villain was born. Of course, it didn’t end with just a reptilian arm – the DNA slowly took over his body turning him into a reptilian humanoid mutant. Supernaturally strong and agile coupled with Connor’s huge IQ, the Lizard has been one of Spidey’s most enduring enemies, making his first appearance in Amazing Spider-Man #6. Like Man-Wolf, the Sam Raimi Spidey movies hinted at maybe including Lizard as one of the badguys, but – if current Hollywood rumor is to be believed – it may be some time before the Lizard stalks the screen.

7. MYSTERIO

Mystero has a complex backstory and it’s very retcon heavy, but nonetheless he’s a cool character. A special effects technician and stunt man who realises that he’s never gonna make it big in Hollywood, but his expertise in creating illusions and knowledge of special effects could serve him well as a supervillain. His costume is pretty cool too. How can you hate a guy with a purple cape and a goldfish bowl on his head? Like most Spider villains, Mysterio was created by Lee and Ditko and he made his first appearance in either Amazing Spider-Man #13 or #2 depending on who you speak to.

6. HOBGOBLIN

Often unfairly dimissed as a Green Goblin ripoff, Hobgoblin was created by Roger Stern when he was pressured to feature the long-dead Green Goblin in regular continuity. Being unwilling to bring Norman Osborn back from the dead (again) he created an entirely new character to pass the mantle of the Goblin to. The matter of Hobgoblin’s true identity went unresolved for some time (even after Stern left the series) and the matter was not resolved until almost three years after his first appearance. Just for the record, Hobgoblin was Roderick Kingsley, fashion designer and employer of Mary Jane Watson, but there’s been, like, five Hobgoblins since them, including bizarrely enough, Deadpool.

5. CARNAGE

After the popularity of Venom soared in the late eighties, Marvel decided that two was better than one and introduced the character of Carnage, an utterly psychopathic, utterley remorseless and utterley terrifying version of the already badass Venom. Cletus Kasady was a vicious and violent serial killer (who looked a lot like the Joker – didja ever notice that?) who shared a cell with Eddie Brock before becoming bonded with a simbiote and becoming the superhuman Carnage. Carnage has greater physical strengh than Spidey and Venom combined and, like Venom, is undetectable to Webhead’s Spider-Sense.

4. ELECTRO

Classic Stan Lee: Max Dillon is an electrician who is struck by lightning and electrocuted on some power cables but rather than, yanno, die horribly he survives and discovers he has superpowers. Taking on the flamboyant persona of Electro he becomes one of Spidey’s arch nemesis, a role he continues to fill to this day. Written by Lee and drawn by Ditko, Amazing Spider-Man #9 was Electro’s first appearance and he’s been an electricty charged annoyance ever since, with the power to generate up to a million volts of electricity to make him superhumanly strong and fast. On more than one occasion he has been seen to ride on lightning bolts – tell me that’s not freakin’ cool.

3. VENOM

After looking at Carnage at number five we find Venom at the number three spot. Created by David Michelinie in 1986, Venom has become one of Spidey’s most popular villains. After the events of Secret Wars which saw Spidey gain his oh-so-awesome black suit, the wallcrawler discovered that the suit was in fact an alien inteligence known as a simbiote. Spidey got rid of the simbiote, but it found its way to Eddie Brock and a great comics villian was born. The long awaited screen debut of Venom came in 2007 with Spider-Man 3, but the character was badly mishandled by Sam Raimi, a self confessed lover of the early Spidey comics. Hopefully things will go better in the rumoured Venom spinoff movie.

2. DOCTOR OCTOPUS

Speaking of characters apperaring in movies, the Doctor is most assuredly in at number two. Doc Ock has another of those great Stan Lee penned backstories that the best Spidey villains seem to have: during a lab explosion a set of metal arms become fused to the body of Dr. Otto Octavius; radiation floods his brain making him able to control the metal appendages using soley the power of his brain. Despite being overweight, near sighted and insane, with his metal tentacles he is more than an physical match for “that infernal arachnid.” Played by Alfred “throw me the idol” Molina in Spider-Man 2, a film considered by many to be one of, if not the best comic book movies ever made. I may dispute that, but it doesn’t change the fact that Doc Ock is a great comics badguy.

1. THE GREEN GOBLIN

Very often in comics the villains seem to get away with murder – quite literally. Joker goes on a killing spree, Batman collars him, Joker is tossed in jail. Outside the pages of stuff like the Punisher, the villains never seem to pay a heavy price for their crimes. Except, of course, in the case of the Green Goblin. Introduced in Amazing Spider-Man #14, the Goblin was in fact Norman Osborn, father of Peter Parker’s friend Harry and CEO of OsCorp. Driven insane by a chemical solution known as the Goblin Formula, Osborn used his technological knowhow to construct a flying surfboard type thing and, assuming the mantle of the Green Goblin st out to terrorise New York and Spider-Man. Goblin’s reign of terror concluded in Amazing Spider-Man #121 in which he is responsible for the death of Gwen Stacy (in an infamous panel featuring a sound effect that has haunted comics fans for decades). Spidey, almost insane himself with rage, tracks the Goblin to his hideout and, as the Goblin attempts to kill Spidey with his glider, turns the tables on the Goblin causing his glider to plow into his body killing him. It’s a great story and a fitting end to the character, but this is the Marvel Universe and everybody knows that unless your name’s “Bucky” you’re not likely to stay dead for very long. The Green Goblin returned from his death to plauge Spidey once again and he’s been doing just that ever since in various guises and incarnations.

And that’s that, true believers! After Batman’s rouge’s gallery, Spidey probably has the best villains in comics, but as always if you’re unhappy with the picks outlined above, you know what to do. End transmission.

10. GREEN LANTERN

First up on today’s list is a costume that’s less a costume and more a uniform. The original Alan Scott Green Lantern costume wasn’t gonna cut it in the sci-fi oriented Silver Age and so the costume was revamped into the slick and streamlined green and black still worn today by the Green Lantern Corps.

9. CLASSIC X-MEN

Ah, 1963. It was a simpler time, when comic book heroes were too busy saving the universe to worry about angst and guilt and crap like that. A time when Stan Lee and Jack Kirby created some of the greatest characters of all time and when comic book teams actually functioned as teams. Enter the X-Men, clad in their classic blue and yellow – a design so iconic that Kitty Pryde’s current costume pays tribute to the Kirby costumes.

8. GREEN ARROW

Ok, so it’s not the most original design but is there any other costume in comics that tells you everything you need to know about the wearer quite as well as the Robin Hood costume worn by the Green Arrow? It just screams swashbuckling adventure and sets up the character and his adventures perfectly. Green Arrow sometimes gets a bad rap by more “serious” comic fans, but (as usual) they’re missing the point.

7. IRON MAN

Wether it’s the original clunky armour, the sleek red and glod redesign, the Silver Centurion armour or even the current movie armour, one thing has always been consistant when it comes to Iron Man. He’s always had freakin’ sweet costumes. Don’t worry about how the hell he can move whilst wearing what is essentially a suit of armour, just sit back and appreciate the awesomness.

6. SPIDER-WOMAN

From way out of left field comes the most obscure choice on the list, that of Jessica Drake’s Spider-Woman. It would’ve been the easiest thing in the world for Buscema and Infantino to have drawn Spider-Man with boobs and called it Spider-Woman, but instead they created one of the best – and strangely sexy – female superhero designs ever. The triangular design on the torso bring to mind the markings of a black widow spider and the “cape” brings up memories of the original Steve Ditko Spidey. Great stuff.

5. CAPTAIN AMERICA

The stars and stripes look is an oft used design in superhero costuming, but it’s never been done quite as well as the Jack Kirby design for Captain America. The bucaneer boots, the chainmail shirt, the winged cowl and the shield all add up to a classic and iconic costume. The only misstep is the “A” on the forehead, a minor detail granted, but one that lost the costume a higher place on the list.

4. THE FLASH

The Flash’s costume is one of the most basic designs in comics, and yet when the Flash streaks across the page in a faster than light blur of red and yellow it is a thing of simplistic beauty. The original helmet wearing Flash of the Golden Age was a cool design for it’s time, but the fact that the Flash’s costume hasn’t changed since 1956 speaks volumes for the “less is more” design of the costume.

3. SPIDER-MAN

From the simplest design in comics to one of the most intricate, Spider-Man has undergone many costume changes over the years, but wether it’s the black suit, the spider armour, the Scarlet Spider or the Iron Spider, he always end up going back to the classic red and blue. Designed by Steve Ditko, the iconic Spider-Man costume first seen in Amazing Fantasy #15 is the best Marvel comics costume bar none.

2. BATMAN

Despite the fact that there’s been hundreds of variations of the suit since his first apperance in 1939, Batman’s suits have consistently been some of the coolest in comics. Wether it’s the original Bill Finger design, the Carime Infantino redesign, the Adam West lavender tights of the sixties TV show, the rubber suits of the movies or the current comics costume, Batman’s suits are always cool, but my favorite it the version designed by Bruce Timm for Batman: The Animated Series. When it comes to the Batsuit, “iconic” is too small a word.

1. SUPERMAN

When you consider that Superman was the first comic book character and that his costume has barely changed since 1938 it’s clear to see why the red, blue and yellow holds the number one spot on this list. Take one pair of blue tights with a red and yellow S on the chest, throw in some red boots, underwear on the outside and a badass cape and you have the best costume in comics. It’s rare enough for a comic book character to become a pop culture icon, but it’s rarer still for a costume or logo to become part of the pop culture lexicon, but that’s exactly what Supes’ cape and tights have done, themselves becoming synonomous with the ideals of truth, justice and the American way.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chris_Hansen

And with that in mind, let’s have a look at his top ten sci fi/comics/whatever hitlist. Onward!

10. CLARK KENT/SUPERMAN from SUPERMAN

Out of all the people in the world who could do with a helping hand from the Man of Steel, the one guy Supes gives a signal-watch (a device that looks like a watch but actually emits a high-pitched sonic frequency that only Superman can hear) to the Daily Planet’s cub reporter Jimmy Olsen? There’s something not quite right going on there. That being said, the Last Son of Krypton’s later marriage to Lois Lane absolves him of any guilt.

9. CAPTAIN APOLLO from BATTLESTAR GALACTICA

Apollo always seemed to leave the womanizing to Starbuck, have you ever noticed that? Maybe he engineered the death of Serina so he could have sole custody of Boxey. Nah, Apollo was too nice a guy to do something like that, besides he was too busy colonising his viper in Sheba to take an unhealthy interest in young Boxey.

8. INDIANA JONES from INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM

What I wanna know is, how did Indy and Short Round meet? Was Indy prowling the backstreets of the slums of Shanghai at the time – and if so what was he doing there? And, more to the point, why did no one report his nocturnal prowlings to the staff of Marshall College. I mean I know the world was a different place in 1935, but come on.

7. QUI-GON JINN from STAR WARS EPISODE I: THE PHANTOM MENACE

His constant reffering to Obi-Wan as his “young apprentice” coupled with an unhealthy interest in young Anakin’s “midichlorians,” make it clear why Obi-Wan grew up to become the farmboy hungry predator he was. What seperates Qui-Gon from Obi-Wan however is the fact that Obi-Wan showed zero interest in women, while Qui-Gon’s shameless flirting with Anakin’s mum lets him off the hook. Just.

6. DR. EMMETT BROWN from BACK TO THE FUTURE

All the trademarks of the predator are there from the hanging out with people half his age to luring young men into his car; can’t you just see Doc insiting to Marty that the back of his van really, honestly, swear to God, IS a time machine? That said, he hooks up with Clara in BTTF3, so maybe he was on the straight and narrow all along.

5. NEELIX from STAR TREK: VOYAGER

Neelix, ship’s cook and “morale officer” on board the USS Voyager was obsessed with kids to the point that almost all of his spare time was spent in the holodeck with little Niomi Wildman and tucking in the rest of the Voyager kids at night. Shades of Apollo Adama too in that when he eventually got off Voyager he shacked up with a widow and her young son. And it’s no coincidence that his girlfriend was Ocampan a race with a lifespan of only nine years, either.

4. PAZUZU from THE EXORCIST

Pazuzu (telling everyone he’s the devil himself, of course) possesses the body of a 12 year old girl and forces her to do all manner of unspeakable things to herself with a crucifix? To quote Richard Pryor, “the devil’s a low motherfucker, Jack.” That said, the fact that Pazuzu is a demon kinda-sorta-not really excuses him since that sort of deviat sexual behaviour is expected of a being of pure evil.

3. STEVE ROGERS/CAPTAIN AMERICA from CAPTAIN AMERICA

It’s was a sad day when the Sentinel of Liberty himself proved to be immune to the charms of his teenage sidekick Bucky. Well, ok, so nothing ever actually happened, but his obsession with the death of the youngster and his unhealthy fixation on Rick Jones make Cap somewhat suspect. For a solid ten, fifteen years you couldn’t pick up a CapAm book without reading about how guilty he felt about Bucky. Guilty about what, exactly, Steve? That is the question.

2. OBI-WAN KENOBI from STAR WARS EPISODE IV: A NEW HOPE

Order 66 wasn’t the reason Obi-Wan went into hiding on Tatooine. The real reason? The Empire got wind of his extracurricular activities involving luring young farmboys to bars in Mos Eisley and put a price on the sick fuck’s head so large every bounty hunter in the galaxy was scouring the universe looking for him. Last seen luring Luke Skywalker into Chalmun’s Cantina and offering Han Solo seventeen thousand credits to get him “and the boy” off world – with “no questions asked.”

1. BRUCE WAYNE/BATMAN from BATMAN

And so it comes to this. Since the introduction of Robin in 1940, rumours, speculation and half truths have hung around the be-cowled head of Bruce Wayne like flies round shit. After all, this is a case of a fully grown millionaire playboy inviting a young, impressionable orphan to live in his plush mansion – and not only that – but to don bright green underwear and hang out on dark rooftops with his guardian in the night. Nah, something not quite right there. Besides, we have pictoral evidence of his sexual deviance.

Goddamned Batman? Goddamned pervert is more like it.

Disgusted with either the writers of such filth or, indeed, me for writing about it? Comments below! End transmission.