10. How the hell did they set this all up?

A simple question, but one that I would like answered. How the hell did the Ewoks and the handful of rebels on Endor set all the Home Alone style booby traps to crush AT-STs and shit. What’s worse is the fact that the Emperor says a legion of his best troops are on the planet and yet they get their asses handed to them by a bunch of teddy bears. Bullshit.

9. Ewoks eat hair?

Another of those “that never occurred to me” moments occurs when the Ewoks have captured Han and co. and are getting ready to cook them up for dinner. They have them tied to spit roasts (wouldn’t the ropes burn?) and they’re lighting fires underneath them so they cook up nice and crispy. But they don’t skin Chewie. Hae you ever smelled burning hair? It’s not pleasant. Smelly factor aside, you wouldn’t put a chicken in the oven with the feathers on.

8. What a drag.

So, yeah, after the Ewoks somehow rig all the traps and shit up, they show how fucking stupid they are by trying to bring down a Chicken Walker by holding a rope and trying to trip it up. Their ingenious plan fails, of course, causing them to be dragged along the ground in a manner most comical. I really hope there was a ton of broken glass and shit on that particular patch of ground.

7. The Ewok method of untying knots hurts.

I’m not sure what exactly the Ewoks were planning to do with Artoo when they tied him up and took him to their wee treehouses, but tie him up they did. Anyway, when Luke uses the Force to make the Ewoks think that Threepio is a god, the Ewoks untie our rebel heroes and make them part of the tribe. Which is all well and good, but the Ewok who hammers Artoo with an axe to cut the rope around him could’ve used a little more care.

6. Ewok masturbates Han.

Let’s be honest, Harrison Ford was on autopilot during ROTJ. It’s clear to anyone with eyes that he’s simply going through the motions and waiting for the next Indiana Jones movie. Now, so far as I’m aware, Ford has never publicly stated his feelings on the Ewok situation, but I’d imagine that, like the rest of us, he’s probably not a fan. Anyway, there’s a wierd moment when Han’s being harrassed by an Ewok and he decided the best course of action is to take the Ewok’s hands and stick them between his legs. I swear to god, that really happens. Dirty bastard.

5. Speeder bike Ewok.

It’s almost as if Lucas and co. got piss drunk and sat around the writer’s table yelling things like “hey, guys, wouldn’t it be funny if an Ewok got on a speeder bike?” No, it wouldn’t be funny, but sadly no one seemed to realise and we’re treated to the oh-so-hilarious sight of an Ewok being dragged along by a racing speeder bike. The speeder bike chase is awesome, with some of the coolest sound effects in the entire Star Wars saga so it’s truly a pity that it was all pissed on by some bastard Ewok.

4. Me Chewie, you Jane.

Chewie swings out on a vine to get to an AT-ST. I can buy that – in fact, it’s actually pretty cool. What’s not cool is the fact that Chewie lets out a Tarzan yell as he does so. This can only mean one thing: Chewie has seen a Tarzan movie at one point. Way to go, George – spend two and a half movies setting up this incredible fictional universe only to piss on it and go “ho ho ho, it’s all just a movie” twenty minutes before the end of the entire saga. Fuck you, Lucas. Fuck you all to hell.

3. Wicket + Artoo 4eva.

This is one of the few Ewok moments, I don’t utterly hate and it’s actually kinda sweet. After the destruction of the Death Star, the rebels hold a big party on Endor and everybody gets all loved up, hugging and kissing like there’s no tomorrow. But does poor old Artoo get neglected? Of course, not – in fact, lead Ewok Wicket W. Warwick seems to have taken a shine to our little metal buddy, even going so far as to plant a little Ewok smackeroo on him. Altogether now: awwww….

2. Grooming Ewok.

After Chewie and a couple Ewoks swing out and into the Chicken Walker, Chewie sets about serving up big slabs of pwnage steak by turning the Empire’s weapon upon them and shooting down some Stormies. This tickles the Wookiee’s funny bone and Chewie and the Ewoks enjoy a good old laugh about it in the cockpit. But there’s one Ewok who’s got better things to do than laugh – he’s noticed some clumps in Chewie’s fur and he’ll be goddamned if he’s not gonna get them out. At least he didn’t get all gorilla on Chewie’s ass and start eating what he pulled out.

1. The only good Ewok…

You know what might be the single most ridiculous moment in the entire Star Wars saga? During the Battle of Endor, a battle which sees the Emperor’s best troops get utterly annhialated by some teddy bears with blunt arrows, only one Ewok dies. One. And it’s a glorious moment, savored by Star Wars fans the world over. Making it even better is the Ewok’s little friend trying to shake it’s dead companion back to life, all the while uttering sounds that sound a lot like “mama.” It just goes to show that the only good Ewok is a dead Ewok.

Know what’s crazy? The word “Ewok” is not said once in ROTJ and yet it is a household word. Pretty much everyone knows what an Ewok is, wether they’re a Star Wars fan or not. The concept of a primitive race pwning a technologically advanced enemy is a good one, but the execution is so poor and the battle so one-sided that the Ewoks are remembered as the single worst thing in the original Trilogy. Agree? Disagree? Don’t give a fuck? Tell me your thoughts below – and may the Force be with you. End transmission.