10. EARTH DEFENSE DIRECTORATE STARFIGHTER from BUCK ROGERS IN THE 25th CENTURY

An obvious design influence on the Snowspeeders from The Empire Strikes Back (hey, it’s only fair after all the “borrowing” Glen Larson did from George Lucas) and one of those ships that looks like it could really do what it does on screen, the ship known as the Thunder Fighter was the vehicle of choice of Buck Rogers and kickstarts our top ten.

9. TIE INTERCEPTOR from STAR WARS EPISODE VI: RETURN OF THE JEDI

The fastest of the Empire’s TIE (that’s Twin Ion Engine) fighters, the Interceptor is one of those ships that is fast and looks it. More streamlined than the standard TIE and the TIE Bomber, the Interceptor has quite the reputation around the universe. As Kyle Ktarn once said, “when you see a squad of those maniacs flying your way, you’d better hope your hyperdrive is operational.”

8. DRACONIAN MARAUDER from BUCK ROGERS IN THE 25th CENTURY

OK, OK, so the oversised cockpit is a little bit silly, but goddamn the Draconian Marauder is an evil, eeeevil looking vehicle. All pointy bits and unnessecary angles, the Marauder even comes complete with skull decals on the wings. Yeah, skull decals. That, my friends, is a ship that’s badass and knows it. Sadly, the only decent picture I could find is of a model of the ship, but you get the idea.

7. UNITED PLANETS CRUSIER C-57D from FORBIDDEN PLANET

When I started planning this list, I told myself I was gonna limit the amount of classic “flying saucer” style craft, and the final choice was between the C-57D, Klaatu’s ship from The Day The Earth Stood Still and the ships from Earth vs. The Flying Saucers. The C-57D won out in the end for one reason: the landing sequence. A materpeice of fifties special effects and the thing that nudges the C-57D out of stereotypical flying saucer territory and into the iconic.

6. KLINGON BIRD OF PREY from STAR TREK III: THE SEARCH FOR SPOCK

There’s something undeniably theatening and malevolent about the design of the Bird of Prey that makes it the perfect “bad guy” spaceship. When you see one of these suckers off the starboard bow, you just KNOW nothing good’s gonna come of it. When you factor in the facts that a. these buggers come with a cloaking device as standard, and b. they’re usually filled with bloodthirsty Klingons, the Bird of Prey is a formidable ship, indeed.

5.DR. ZARKOV’S ROCKET from FLASH GORDON

I’m not sure if Zarkov’s ship had a name, but it did look awesome. Looking exactly like what it was – a ship someone had cobbled together from junk lying around – the rocket that took Flash Gordon to the planet Mongo is one of those accidental masterpeices that happened so often at Universal in the thirties.

4. X-WING STARFIGHTER from STAR WARS EPISODE IV: A NEW HOPE

The very mention of the word “X-Wing” makes me smile and fills me with the same glee that I felt watching the Battle of Yavin for the first time as a 12 year old boy. Everything about the X-Wing is great from the iconic S-Foils to the artoo unit in the back, to the photon torpedoes to the great Atari 2600 targeting computer. Even the uniforms were awesome – gotta love an orange jumpsuit and a refitted Veitnam era helmet. Now cut the chatter and report in!

3. COLONIAL VIPER – TIE – CYLON RAIDER from BATTLESTAR GALACTICA


The problem with writing top ten lists is sometimes ten spots just isn’t enough to include all the stuff you want to. Sacrifices have to be made. In an ideal word, the Colonial Viper, the Cylon Raider, and the Galactica herself would’ve all made the list, but like I said, sacrifices have to be made. Anyway, the Viper is such a great ship design because it looks like it can do all the stuff Starbuck and Apollo make them do onscreen. Lacking the wings/S-Foils of an X-Wing (the most obvious influence on the design), the Viper looks much more compact and much more fast than the ship that influenced it – in fact, the Viper looks like it could’ve been ideal for taking down the Death Star. The Raider is a different kettle of fish altogether. Unlike the reboot BSG version of the Cylon ship, the original Raiders have a predatory look to them that harkens back to the ominious flying saucers of classic sci-fi. The classic shot of the Raiders circling and swooping down into battle (used in almost every BSG episode in which the Cylons were featured) is one of the best moments of sci fi TV and stands up against anything we’ve been shown since.

2. THE USS ENTERPRISE NCC 1701 from STAR TREK: THE ORIGINAL SERIES

Iconic is the only word. Somehow both streamlined and yet endearlingly clunky, the United Star Ship Enterprise is a classic of science fiction ship design. The classic saucer, hull and nacelle design has influenced the look of every Federation starship since. The ship loses points for its apparent lack of manuverability, but for the recognition and iconic factor make it a classic.

1. THE MILLENIUM FALCON from STAR WARS EPISODE IV: A NEW HOPE

“She may not look like much, but she’s got it where it counts.” Were truer words ever spoken? The vehicle of choice of the cooler cat ever to sport a waistcoat and his hirstute companion, the Millenium Falcon wasn’t up to much when Han Solo won her “fair and square” from Lando Calrissian, but the cocky Corillian made a few modifications and now she’s the “fastest hunk of junk in the galaxy.” The quirky shape of the ship and overall “junk” look of the design make the Falcon the exact opposite of the Colonial Viper or TIE Interceptor. Those ships are fast and manuverable and look it. The Falcon looks like a clunky peice of shit, and yet could fly rings round anything.

honorable mentions (in no particular order):
1. TIE Fighter (STAR WARS EPISODE IV: A NEW HOPE)
2. The USS Reliant (STAR TREK II: THE WRATH OF KHAN)
3. The Battlestar Galactica (BATTLESTAR GALACTICA)
4. The Death Star (STAR WARS EPISODE IV: A NEW HOPE)
5. The Flying Saucers (EARTH VS THE FLYING SAUCERS)
6. Klaatu’s ship (THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL)
7. The alien derelict (ALIEN)
8. The T.A.R.D.I.S. (DR. WHO)
9. The NSEA Protector (GALAXY QUEST)
10. Naboo Starfighter (STAR WARS EPISDOE I: THE PHANTOM MENACE)

I apologise for the lack of any good pictures. Finding decent pics of these ships on Google images was surprisingly hard. Anyway, as always, leave me a comment if you have anything to say. End transmission.

10. C. AUGUSTE DUPIN

It’s only fitting that the first supersleuth on our list should be the first… well, ever. Created by Edgar Allen Poe in 1841, Dupin made his first apperance in Murders in the Rue Mourge – widely considered to be the first detective story. Dupin was never explicitly called a “detective,” mostly because the word itself hadn’t been coined yet, and his methods seem to be almost supernatural. Sherlock Holmes, the man known as the Great Detective, was never much of a fan of Dupin, calling him “a very inferior fellow,” but nonetheless, if not for Dupin, Holmes would never have existed.

9. BULLDOG DRUMMOND

From the first fictional detective, to the first “hard boiled” noir-style detective and the proto-Bond, Bulldog Drummond. Created in 1920, Drummond was an ex-army officer wo spent his time solving crimes, shooting badguys and generally being a bit of a jingoistic twat. The novels have come under fire of late for their casual racism (“Every beard is not false, but every nigger smells” being just one example) but their influence on the detective genre cannot be overstated. Without Drummond and his happy band of xenophobic cohorts, we’d never have had Doc Savage, Sam Spade or any of the other pulp/noir characters that followed.

8. PERRY MASON

Strictly speaking, Perry Mason is a lawyer not a detective, but his methods are far more like a detective’s than a lawyer’s. Proving his client’s innocence by proving the guilt of another party, Mason was created as a literary character by Earl Stanley Gardner, but is perhaps most famous as a TV character played by Raymond “Godzilla” Burr. Mason was able to solve many cases before even coming before the court, being able to establish the guilty party by examining preliminary evidence.

7. MIKE HAMMER

Speaking of pulp characters, Mickey Spillane’s Mike Hammer makes his apperance on the list at number eight. Brutally violent, beligerient and mysoginistic and with the attitide that the law gets in the way when it comes to justice, Hammer nonetheless holds policemen in high regard (unlike most fictional detectives.) The violence in the Hammer novels is still quite shocking – henchmen and thugs are often left throwing up after Hammer knees them between the legs, for example. Nice. Interestingly, in the movie version of The Girl Hunters, Spillane himself played Hammer, making him the only author I can think of to have played his own creation onscreen.

6. PHILLIP MARLOWE

Created by the great Raymond Chandler in the novel The Big Sleep (1939) Phillip Marlowe is a two fisted, wisecracking, tough guy who smokes too much, drinks too much but, unlike other pulp gumshoes, is immune to the charms of the various femme fatales who knock on his office door. Underneath his hard boiled exterior, Marlowe is a contemplative sort who enjoys chess and poetry, but the minute he steps out onto the mean streets of 1940s L.A., the crumpled fedora goes on and the tough guy exterior comes up.

5. BATMAN

Well, he’s not known as the “Dark Knight Detective” for nothing. Batman is, accroding to DC comics, the “world’s greatest detective” and he’s certainly the most hands-on charatcer on the list when it comes to detective work. After all, why sneak past guards when you can knock them out with a Batarang? Sadly, in recent years, the “detective” part of “the Dark Knight Detective” has been all but forgotten in comics and movies, but Before Robin, before Batgirl, before Tim Burton Joel Schmaker and Cristopher Nolan, those early Bob Kane/Bill Finger years where Batman was a noir detective in long underwear were glorious.

4. DICK TRACY

I’ve written before about Dick Tracy on this blog, but he’s such a great character and such an obvious influence on so many others that I can’t help but lace him high on this list. The first ever police procedural character, Dick Tracy one of only two detectives on this list to carry a police badge (making him eligible for yet another list…) rather than being a private detective, but we won’t hold that against him. Staunchly conservative in his views on law enforcement, Tracy would no doubt be appauled by a guy like Mike Hammer’s disregard for the law and that’s why he’s number four on our list. As cool as a Dirty Harry type can be, it’s nice to know there are still at least a few honest cops left.

3. COLUMBO

Everything about Columbo screams “iconic” – from the grubby trenchcoat and chewed up stogie to the ’59 Peugeot 403 and the glass eye, Peter Falk’s performance as Lt. Frank Columbo in the TV series Columbo is one of those rare examples of a character and an actor being so utterly perfect for each other that it’s impossible to think of one without thinking of the other. Like Sherlock Holmes or Auguste Dupin, Columbo’s methods are almost as famous as the man himself, allowing the guilty party to think they’ve gotten away with it until the last possible second when Columbo makes the shift from scruffy little idiot to predatory great white insisting on asking “just one more thing.” Brilliant.

2. SAM SPADE

“When a man’s partner is killed, he’s supposed to do something about it. It doesn’t make any difference what you thought of him. He was your partner and you’re supposed to do something about it.” Dashiel Hammet’s immortal creator Sam Spade is the quintissential noir detective. Played by Humphrey Bogart in the classic 1941 movie The Maltese Falcon, Sam Spade is a man who has seen the worst life has to offer and lives only to see his particular form of justice done. Coldy detatched and cool to the point of freezing, Spade represents the classic image of the forties private eye in his double breasted suit, trenchcoat and fedora.

1. SHERLOCK HOLMES

Why is Sherlock Holmes the greatest fictional detective of all time? Why, it’s elementary. Cold, detatched, arrogant, smoking like a chimney, addicted to cocaine, possesed of a cat-like neatness and entirley asexual, Sherlock Holmes seems on paper like the kind of guy that you’d avoid like the plague, but somehow his towering intellect and extraordinary powers of deduction and perception make him perhaps the single most interesting character in all of fiction. Created by Arthur Conan Doyle in the eighteen-eighties and perfected by Jeremy Brett in the nineteen-eighties, Holmes is the detective that every sleuth, gumshoe and private dick since owes his very existence to. Holmes is considered by many to be a stuffy old guy in a deerstalker, but these people don’t realise that the truth couldn’t be further from that image. The Holmes of the original stories is a master of not only deduction but also disguise, fencing, baritsu, boxing, singlestick, bare knuckle fighting and chemistry, is able to tell at a glance the different between hundreds of different types of tobacco and soils and is an expert in sensational literature and British law. Not bad for a stuffy old guy in a deerstalker.

There you go, the top ten fictional detectives. Like I said in the intro, the number one spot was a forgone conclusion, but nevermind. As always, comment below. End transmission.

And the geeky lists just keep on comin’ (though, I suspect this may be the geekiest.) Han Solo ain’t shit without his blaster and Captain America aint shit without his shield so, with that in mind let’s take a look at the top ten fictional weapons. Onward!

10. THE POWER SWORD from “He-Man and the Masters of the Universe”

Who honestly wouldn’t want a go at the Power Sword? Hold that thing up and yell “I HAVE THE POWER” and you go from zero to hero in less time than it takes the Filmation people to draw some scribbes on an animation cell. Plus, it’ll turn your cat into a green tiger, and that’s something everyone can enjoy.

9. DL-44 HEAVY BLASTER PISTOL from “Star Wars”

Based on the German broom handled Mauser and made famous by Han Solo, the coolest motherfucker to ever sport a waistcoat, the DL-44 heavy blaster pistol is the sci fi equivilent of the old west gun slinger’s sixgun: solid, rugged and reliable. The perfect weapon for whiling away the hours blasting Stormtroopers.

8. CAPTAIN AMERICA’S SHIELD from “Captain America”

It may not look like much, but in the right hands (ie. Cap’s) the unassuming red, white and blue shield is not only an incredible defensive weapon, but a potentially deadly offensive weapon. An vibranium-iron alloy (according to the always-reliable Wikipedia, anyway), Cap’s shield is indestructable and yet to be bettered when it comes to Nazi bashing.

7. BAT’LETH from “Star Trek: The Next Generation”

I’ve found that when I write these lists there’s very often an entry where alI I can write is “just fucking look at that thing.” Well, boys and girls, we have reached that point. Just. Fucking. Look. If that’s not the most lethal looking thing your eyes have ever beheld then you’re a better man than I. The Bat’leth is so badass, in fact, that a replica Bat’leth was seized by police in England as “potential evidence of a criminal lifestyle.” Now THAT’s badass.

6. MJOLNIR from “The Mighty Thor”

Now, I know what you’re thinking, “it’s a hammer, so what?” Well, take a gander at what’s written on the side: “Whosoever holds this hammer, if he be worthy, shall possess the power of Thor.” That means that whoever holds that hammer is a fucking GOD. Who wouldn’t wanna be a god for the day? Smiting is fun, after all. What’s cool is that not everyone is worthy to wield Mjolnir – one of the few non-Thor types to be able to lift it was Captain America himself in Mighty Thor 390, which is a great comic by the way. “Avengers…ASSEMBLE!”

5. THE GOLDEN GUN from “The Man With The Golden Gun”

Who knew a lighter, a cigarette case, a pen and a cufflink could be so lethal. That said, the man with the golden gun was Fransico Scaramanga played by Christopher Lee who we already established is the best Dracula ever, so in the hands of the king of the vampires would you expect anything less? Scaramanga was not only the owner of the world’s coolest gun, but also the world’s best assasin, charging a million dollars a hit. Put it this way, Q WISHES he could create something as badass as the golden gun.

4. THE POWER RING from “Green Lantern”

Feared by the forces of darkness the universe over, the power rings of the Green Lantern Corps are some of the most badass weapons ever created. The power rings of the GLC have the ability to create anything the wearer can imagine, giving the wearer almost limitless power. Intergalactic policemen, the members of the Green Lantern Corps are charged with keeping the peace across the universe, so, ya know, limitless power is helpful when dealing with all manner of evil aliens. Slip one one, take the oath, steer clear of anything yellow and enjoy yourself.

3. TYPE II HAND PHASER from “Star Trek: The Original Series”

Sure, it may look like a glue gun, but the ST:TOS phasers are the most kick ass weapons this side of Alpha Centauri. Available in hand held or pistol form, the phaser is an awesome weapon due to it’s alternate power settings: stun and kill. How handy would that be? Long line at the bank? Set phaser to stun! Wife annoying you? Set phaser to stun! People talking in the cinema? Set phaser to stun! Well, kill in that case. Wielded most famously by Captain James T. Kirk, the phaser is a classic peice of intergalactic weaponry. Set phasers to awesome!

2. PROTON PACK from “Ghostbusters”

When you absolutley, positivley have to bust every motherfucking ghost in the room – accept no substitutes. An unlicenced nuclear accelerator (or positron collider, if you will) that charges a particle beam which is fired by the proton gun at ghosts in order to weaken them and guide them into a ghost trap. I have no idea what that means, but it sounds fucking awesome. Built by genius savant Egon Spengler and used against an assortment of ghosts, demons and giant marshmallows, the proton packs are almost as kick ass as fictional weapons get. Just don’t cross the streams. That would be bad.

1. LIGHTSABER from “Star Wars”

Obi Wan Kenobi said it better than I ever could: “This is the weapon of a Jedi Knight. Not as clumsy or random as a blaster; an elegant weapon for a more civilized age.” Nicely put, Ben. When you consider that the “Star Wars” trilogy is made of pure undiluted win, is it any wonder that the iconic weapon of Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader nabs the top spot on this list? To be honest though, the sound effect alone catapults the lightsaber to the number one spot. The lightsaber is the coolest fictional weapon ever. Search your feelings – you know it to be true.

Agree? Disagree? Comments below, ta. End transmission.