I first heard about Cloverfield whilst sitting with my girlfriend in Pizza Hutt and when I read it described as “a Godzilla style monster movie” I damn near pissed my pants with glee.  The prospect of a giant monster movie featuring a Godzilla-like monster remorselessly destroying New York was enough to make me desperate to see the movie, especially since the last giant monster movie was Peter Jackson’s King Kong which, although good, certainly had it’s share of flaws.

But this looked to be something quite different. Rather than beating us over the head with a “feel sorry for the monster” message, this looked to be something more in line with stuff like the original Godzilla or Beast from Twenty Thousand Fathoms in that it starred an entirley remorseless monster doing what monsters do best – stomp the shit out of cities.

Filmed entirely in that Blair Witch/shaky handheld camcorder style, Cloverfield can be frustrating viewing at times, with thing often happening tantalisingly off-camera; our intrpid cameraman seems to have a knack of swinging round just in time to see something large and pissed off stomp behind a building denying us a really good look at the monster – but for an afficianado of monster movies this style was something of a treat. In these kinds of movies we’re more often than not stuck with naught but square jawed army generals and impossibly handsome scientists for company; the only “normal” people we see are glimpsed fleetingly fleeting in terror or being trampled underfoot. It’s nice, therefore, to see a giant monster movie from the perspective of the average joes, the people stuck at ground zero rather than the people in the ivory tower. 

Speaking of not seeing the monster, when we do get a decent look at the monster (pictured above) it’s a bit of a let down, looking like a cross between a spider and the Rancor from Return of the Jedi.  It’s certainly not going to become an icon as Godzilla and King Kong have become, and pretty much proves the Jaws rule of what you don’t see being scarier than what you do see.

A couple of paragraphs back I mentioned the words ground zero and I chose those words carefully. There was a lot of talk (read: nonsense) at the time Cloverfield was released that certain scenes were remenisent of the attacks on 9/11, and yes, I guess that if you want to look at it that way, then certain moments in the film were similar, but they were equally similar to scenes in Gorgo, Destroy All Monsters, Gamera vs. Barugon or any number of similar movies.

Cloverfield isn’t a movie you can watch over and over. It takes an age to get going, and when it finally does it can be frustrating viewing, but there’s much to enjoy – especially for a fan of the genre. Overall, it’s worth a watch – two, in fact, to see if you pick up all the shit you missed first time around.

And so we come to the final film in the original series of Star Trek movie adventures – some people count Generations as the last one, but these people are idiots – and, boy, did they go out on a high note. After the Shatner-helmed TFF flopped hard the series looked like it had gone out with a damp squib, but with the sucess of TNG and the 25th anniversary of TOS rapidly approaching, the suits at Paramount decided to green light a brand new adventure of the Enterprise-A.

And who would be the man at the helm of this all new movie? Why, none other than the man who saved the Star Trek franchise nine years before, Nicholas Meyer. Mayer has said that if he could re-create Star Trek he would make the Enterprise less sterile and spotlessly clean and more like a Das Boot style submarine and he brought this claustrophobic feel to TUC, cranking up the dramatic tension as the crew of the Enterprise struggle to clear Kirk and McCoy’s names – but I’m getting ahead of myself.

When a Klingon ambassador is murdered and all the evidence points to Kirk and Bones, the captain and the good doctor are sent to the Klingon penal planet of Hoth Rura Penthe. Meanwhile Spock and the rest of the Enterprise crew including new Vulcan navigator Valeris (Kim Cattrall) work to clear Kirk and McCoy, who eventually escape from the prison planet. Spock determines that the killer is Valeris and, after forcefully mindmelding with her, discovers a plot to kill the Federation president. Along with captain Sulu and the USS Excelsior, Kirk best speeds the Enterprise to earth and resuces the president at the last possible second but learns that the Enterprise is to be decommisioned. Kirk takes the old girl out for one last spin around the galaxy, the curtain falls and there’s not a dry eye in the house.

Like all of the Star Trek movies, the plot’s not gonna blow anyone away, but despite what Rober Bloch says, the plot isn’t the thing when it comes to Star Trek, what is important is characterisation, and there are some great new characters in this movie. Best of all is the one-eyed Klingon General Chang, played by the always brilliant Christopher Plummer. Wether he’s Eidelweiss-ing his way across the alps, elementary my dear Watson-ing his way through London or taH pagh, taH be-ing his way across the final frontier, Plummer is one of my favorite actors, so I was always gonna be biased about his performance in TUC, but it is nothing short of remarkable. Playing a more human Klingon that we had seen since the days of John Colicos and Michael Ansara, Chang is somehow both subtle and theatrical at once. Brilliance.

Less sucessful was the charcter of Valeris, played by a then-still-hot Kim Cattrall. If the film had stuck to its guns, Saavik would’ve been the Vulcan traitor, making for a much more impactful plot twist, but Cattrall was unwilling to be the third actress to play her (never did Roger Moore any harm) and insisted the character be changed. A shame, because it’s pretty obvious that this new character that we’ve never seen before is the killer – after all it’s not likley to be Chekov or Uhura is it? There’s a rumor flying around (Wikipedia reports this story as fact, incidentally) that Cattrall posed for a series of photos on the bridge set wearing naught but her Vulcan ears, but Leonard Nimoy ordered the photos destroyed. The killjoy bastard.

The ending needs to be talked about, because it is genuinley moving. After saving the universe once again, Kirk, Spock, Bones and the rest are on the bridge of the Enterprise as Kirk makes his log entry saying that this is the last cruise of the USS Enterprise. Helm asks for a course heading and Kirk, leaning forward in his chair with a bittersweet smile on his lips says “second star to the right… and straight on ’till morning.” The Enterprise flies off into space and in place of traditional credits each cast member’s autograph appears on screen, providing a visual “sign off.” Perfect.

So there it is. My last Star Trek movie review – cause I sure as shit don’t intend to review any of the godawful Next Gen movies, and I’ll leave the reboot well alone for the timebeing. The Star Trek movies were my first exposure to the franchise and each of them has a special place in my heart. I still remember waching TMP with my cousin and wondering when the movie was gonna kick in and shift to high gear. I remember finding TWOK in an HMV bargain bin and spending all of a pound fifty on it. I still have the VHS tape today. I still remember crying when Spock died and being over the freakin’ moon when he came back to life. I remember roaring with laughter at the Itallian food argument in TVH and wondering why Spock didn’t shoot Sybok in TFF and worrying about Kirk and Bones during their trial in TUC. It might not be the coolest thing to admit, but I love these movies and I love Star Trek. The characters feel like people I know and their adventures remind me of adventures in my own life, playing in the woods with my cousin and wishing I could grow up to be just like Captain Kirk. I hope you’ve enjoyed this look back at the Trek movies and – although it’s the cheesiest and most predictable thing I could possibly say – live long and prosper.

So it comes to this. Star Trek V: The Final Frontier. The film that won the 1989 Razzies for Worst Picture, Worst Director (poor Shatner), Worst Actor (poor, poor Shatner) and Worst Screenplay (poor, poor, poor Shatner). The film that every critic that ever drew breath called one of the worst movies ever made. The film that even Gene Roddenberry described as “apocryphal at best.” The film that, had it not been for the 25th anniversary of the series, would have ended the franchise and all but killed the careers of all involved.

But you know what? I kinda like it.

Yes, really. For all its faults – and there are a lot of them – TFF remains one of my favorite Trek adventures for reasons I’ll get to after I do my best to describe the plot. After the events of TVH and the introduction of the Enterprise A (which, if this film is to be believed is a barley functioning peice of shit), Kirk, Spock and McCoy are called back from shoreleave to rescue some hostages on Nimbus III. Meanwhile, a Klingon comander has decided to hunt Kirk down, soley for teh lulz apparently. On Nimbus III, our intrepid heroes encounter Sybok, Spock’s hitherto-unmentioned half brother, who has rejected all that logical bullshit and is living la vida loca. Sybok admits that the hostage situation was a lie to lure the Entrprise to Nimbus III so Sybok and his band of wierdos could use the ship to go to the mythical planet of Sha Ka Ree, where he hopes to meet god. Sounds like a sort of Vulcan Songs of Praise, doesn’t it. Anyway, they get there, god turns out to be an asshole (surprise, surprise) and the Klingon catches up with them but is thwarted by Spock and some fat Klingon. The end.

Ok, so even I’ll admit, the plot is terrible, so why am I saying that I like the film? Well, for one thing, it shows the relationship between Kirk, Spock and McCoy better than any Trek story before or since. There are several scenes in the film where K, S and McC are the only characters on screen and the writing in these scenes is nothing short of incredible, showing the warmth, the humor and the love the three men share (no homo). Wether they’re sitting round a campfire singing “Row Row Row Your Boat” and roasting “marsh mellons” or trapped in the brig discussing escape and Spock’s brother, these scenes are some of my favorite in the entire Star Trek canon.

On the subject of Spock’s brother, Sybok is an interesting character. Originally intended to play the role was Sean Connery (hence “Sha Ka Ree” – say it in Connery’s voice), Sybok is, to quote James Tyler at the Redeemed, “the anti-Spock.” The first son of Sarek and a full blooded Vulcan, Sarek, as previously noted, rejected the Vulcan notions of logic and suppressed emotion and embarked on a quest to find the planet Sha Ka Ree. Fair enough. But don’t you think, at some point during the 10 or 12 years or so they’ve known each other, Spock would’ve at some point mentioned to his best friends Kirk and Bones that he had a brother? Take my mate James, for example. I’ve known him for far less time that Spock knew Kirk and yet I know that he has not only a brother, but also a sister. We never sat down and had a conversation about siblings, but these things come up in conversation. Regardless of this gaping problem with the plot, Sybok is played the grand Star Trek villain style by Lawrence Luckinbill, an actor who, criminally, had/has done mostly one shot TV guest apperances before and since. A shame, because Sybok is one of the best things about the film.

Ok, so that was the good, time for the bad and the ugly. We’ve already seen that the plot is awful, but that’s not the only bad thing about this movie. The special effects are noticably sub par – except the ones shamelessly lifted from previous movies, of course. ILM, who had done the great effects in previous Trek movie adventures, were too busy working on Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (as was Connery, incidentally) and Ghostbusters 2 to do the effects for the film and so the effects work was outsourced to Bob’s Motion Capture Shack (not really) and suffered as a result. The anticlimactic ending is the most obvious casualty of this as the effects in the original Shatner vs rock monsters (ten of ‘em!) ending were considered too ridiculous looking to show audiences.

Another problem is the secondary villain, the Klingon captain Klaa – the most generic Klingon ever seen on Star Trek, notable only for his hair metal hairdo and his impressively cantilevered first officer.

Overall, TFF is a movie that, if you’ve not seen it for a while, or dismissed it on the strength (or weakness) of its reputation, I’d strongly recommend picking up and giving another go. It’s not perfect, but it’s a hell of a lot better than any of the TNG movies (controversial!), and the Kirk, Spock and McCoy scenes alone are worth the price of admission. Feel free to fast forward past Uhura’s naked fan dance.

When you ask most passive Trek fans (people who have seen the show or movies, but aren’t nessecarily fans) which of the movies is their favorite, they’ll almost invariably say The Voyage Home. The most accessible of the Trek movies for non-fans and undoubdedly one of the most entertaining, if not the most entertaining movies of the series. The final part of the so-called Spock Trilogy and the second film to be directed by Leonard Nimoy, TVH is a fun movie.

After the emotional, character driven one-two punch of TWOK and TSFS, TVH could’ve gone two ways. It could’ve been more like The Undiscovered Country and continued the serious tone, or it could’ve gone the other way and provided a light hearted counterpoint to the emotion and drama of those films. Obviously, it took the second route. But don’t be fooled by the one liners and sight gags, there’s a hell of a lot at stake in this film. A probe from the depths of space (or somewhere) arrives at Earth and proceeds to destroy it. The only thing that’ll stop the probe is some whales (run with it) so the crew of the Enterprise (sans Enterprise of course) have to go back in time to the 20th to bring some whales to the 23rd century. This they do and the day is once again saved. A decent little plot, I admit, but it’s little more than a nail upon which to hang the comedy coat that forms the bulk of this film.

After about a half hour of (frankly boring) 23rd century stuff with a guy wearing a robe he borrowed from Commander Adama and a cameo from the the tennis player guy from Octopussy, Kirk, Spock, Bones and the rest slingshot around the sun and end up in San Fransicso circa: 1986. From here to the end of the movie it’s all out comedy, with Chekov looking for “nooclear wessels” and Scotty talking to an Apple Mac. My personal favorite comedic moment comes when Kirk and Spock can’t decide wether or not they like Itallian food. It’s not a huge comedic setpeice, but it’s damn funny with Kirk trying to play it cool and Spock, well, just being Spock. At the end of the movie with the day well and truly saved, Kirk and company face a court martial where Kirk is “punished” by lowering him in rank to Captain and giving him a sexy new ship: the Enterprise-A. Great stuff.

After the awesome villainy of Messrs. Montalban and Lloyd, it’s a shame that there’s no real badguy to boo in this movie. It wouldn’t have taken a great deal to have had someone go back in time along with Kirk to stop him from finding the whales, and it might have provided some sorley needed dramatic tension – something that is sorely lacking from the middle part of the movie. For example, there is a sequence where Chekov is undergoing life threatening surgery and Bones, Kirk and Kirk’s latest sqeeze (well, not really) have to rescue him from “primitive” 20th century medicine. What could have been a great, nail biting “race against time” sequence instead becomes a Keystone Kops style chase through the hospital ending with – that old Star Trek deus ex machna favorite – our heroes beaming away.

Speaking of Kirk and his latest squeeze, the lady he puts the moves on in this movie is one Dr. Gillian Taylor, whaleologist (yeah, I made that word up), played by the lovely but ultimately uninteresting Catherine Hicks. More Carol Marcus than Lt. Saavik, Dr. Taylor ends up accompaning the Enterprise crew back to the 23rd century where she somehow blags her way onto a Federation science vessel and, somewhat hilariously, knocks Kirk back and brushes him off with a very perfunctory peck on the cheek. Can’t win ‘em all, Jim.

Overall, TVH is a fun film, nowhere near as good as TWOK and on par (or just below par) with TSFS. It’s the funniest of the series (though The Final Frontier has its moments) and a satisfactory, if not great, way to wrap up the Spock trilogy. In the first film Spock dies, in the second he is brought back and in the third he takes his place as part of the crew of a new Enterprise. It’s not perfect, but it’ll do for me.

Incidentally, this: http://www.amcomics.com/justalley/comics/2009-05-02-startrek4.png sums it all up better than I ever could.

People like to talk about how when it comes to Star Trek movies, the even numbered movies are great and the odd numbered ones are not so good. I can only imagine this “rule” came into being after The Final Frontier (which I kinda like, to be honest) and when The Undiscovered Country turned out to be awesome and Generations turned out to be mediocre the rule was cemented into the minds of Trek fans across the globe. To be honest, it is kinda true, the odd numbered films do tend to be less awesome than they might be, but it’s definatley not the case when it comes to The Search For Spock, which, in my estimation, is at least as good as the film that followed it and almost as good as the film that came before.

After TWOK and Spock’s death, Nimoy swore he was done with Trek (kinda like his sucessor Zachary Quinto has done) but after seeing TWOK he wanted to play Spock again (after fighting tooth and nail to get him killed off – is this guy never satisfied) and agreed to appear in the film and also to direct. The producers agreed and production went ahead. The plot is about as predictable as your expect it to be with a title like The Search For Spock: Spock, before he died, placed his “katra” into Bones and, upon finding out, Kirk and co. “borrow” the Enterprise to go find Spock’s body on the Genesis planet and take it to Vulcan where his katra and his body can be reunited. This’ll bring him back to life, apparently. It’s best not to ask too many questions. Along the way, Kirk experiences yet more personal tragedy and all manner of great adventures are had.

As with TWOK, the cast are on fine form, especially Shatner with the scene where he finds out the his son, whom he only only met for the first time in TWOK has been murdered by the Klingons being a standout moment. The grief Kirk feels is palpable and offset nicely by the matter of fact (and very Vulcan) way Saavik gives him the bad news. In a nice moment two films later, Kirk reveals that he has never forgiven the Klingons for killing his son despite the fact that he avenged himself upon the murderer in quite spectacular manner. Nimoy, keeping himself behind the camera for most of the film doesn’t get a chance to do much exept raise his eyebrows in the last scene, but DeForrest Kelley and the rest of the Enterprise crew play their parts well. It’s also cool to see Mark Lenard Sarek again after his initial apperance in TOS. The only misstep is the casting of Robin Curtis as Saavik. I’m not sure why Kirstie Alley didn’t reprise her role (maybe she wanted more money or something) but it’s a shame they cast an actress as bland and uninteresting as Robin Curtis to fill the gap. Speaking of filling gaps, the script kinda suggests she and Spock get it on at some point, but let’s not go there.

Villain-wise, there’s nothing to compete with Khan; how could there be, but they did score a hit with the main villain, the Klingon Commander Kruge played by a pre-”Great Scott Marty” Christopher Lloyd. At that point probably most famous as Revernd Jim in taxi, Lloyd is great as the evil Klingon with the wierd looking dog, and brings a Khan-esque air of theatricality to the role. His crew are pretty much stock Klingons with nothing much to identify one from the other, but even if they had been well written parts, Lloyd would’ve towered over them. When I think of Klingons, I think of Michael Dorn as Worf, Christopher Plummer as Chang and Christopher Lloyd as Kruge.

The main draw for TSFS was, obviously, the return of Mr. Spock from the grave and it’s handled quite well in the film. Nothing seems implausible and it all kinda-sorta makes sense, although you’d think at some point Spock would’ve previously mentioned the whole katra thing to Kirk or McCoy in case he should meet an untimley end. But Spock’s return from the dead isn’t the only “surprise” in store here. Just like how Spock’s death was the worst kept secret in Hollywood at the time of TWOK, it was also no secret that Kirk would destroy the Enterprise in TSFS; indeed, an early trailer for the film has a narrator intone “witness the destructon of the USS Enterprise.” Turning epic fail into a fighting chance at win, Kirk tricks the Klingons onto coming aboard the(abandoned) Enterprise which is set to self destruct. As it streaks across the sky, Kirk stares up at it and you relaise that he’s lost his best friend, his son and his ship, but is he gonna give up? Is he hell. This is James fucking Kirk we’re talking about here.

The ending is as predictable as you’d expect, yet still has a single manly tear running down the cheek of many a Trek fan. Overall, this is a great film and sets up the third part of the Spock Trilogy nicely. If you haven’t already seen it or still put any stock in the odds-evens rule, check it out. Just don’t get those “Klingon bastards” to babysit while you do.

When I came up with the random movie reviews concept, the idea was that I would pick a movie completley at random from my 500+ DVDs and review it, but after coming up with Star Trek: The Motion Picture as the inaugural movie, there was no way I wasn’t reviewing The Wrath of Khan next. Without doubt the best of the Trek movies and tied with The Voyage Home as the most famous in a highly scientific poll I just conducted with my next door neighbours (“whit? Star Trek? Aye, wis there no wan where they go back in time? And there wis wan where Spock died, eh?”), there’s not a great deal I can say about TWOK that hasn’t been said a million times before. Which is handy cause it means I can just cuntpaste huge amounts of text. Wait… isn’t that plagirism? Better not do that.

Anyway, the only movie I can think of that is a sequel to an episode of a TV show, TWOK, is set some time after the events (or, rather, non-events) of The Motion Picture. Admiral Kirk is stuck behind a desk pushing paper whilst Spock trains cadets. McCoy, as always, is stuck between the two. A situation arises, as situations in the Star Trek universe often do, and Kirk is forced to take command of the Enterprise to once again fight his old archnemesis Khan, who has taken control not only of the USS Reliant, but also the Genesis device, a deveice with the power to destroy an entire planet. No, it’s nothing like the Death Star. No, really, it’s not. I’m not being sarcastic. Anyway, Kirk and the rest of the finest crew ever assembled head out and after an epic showdown in the Mutara Nebula, Khan is defeated, but not before Spock sacrifies his life to save the ship. Well, kinda. We’ll get back to that later.

Compare that to the plot of TMP and you’ll appreciate the rich human element to this film. Almost every character goes through some sort of emotional journey Kirk faces his past, Spock gives up his life for his friends, Chekov finds his way back to his old ship, Scotty’s nephew is killed (not all that clear in the finished film, granted) and Khan finally gets his shot at revenge. In TMP it seemed like the crew were only there to fill seats on the bridge and react to the view screen, but in TWOK, previously minor characters like Chekov are given things to do rather than just push the odd button. Granted, from a continuity standpoint, it probably should’ve been Sulu that met Khan, but never mind. The cast are first rate as always, with Shatner on particularly fine form. TMP acted like Kirk hadn’t aged a day in the ten years since the end of the original 5 year mission, but in TWOK Kirk’s age is a major theme. When asked how he feels at one point in the film he answers, very succinctly, “I feel old.” Can you imagine the gung ho Kirk of the Original Series saying that? This is a changed man, a man who feels that he has been put out to pasture prematurley by the very orginisation he has devoted his life to serving. Commading a star ship is all this man knows how to do, and his friend and confidante Bones advises him to get his command back “before you really do grow old.” When he finally does regain command of the Enterprise it is crewed almost entirley by cadets, another sign of Kirk’s advancing years – he and his crew are the last of the “old guard,” being phased out by the new group of cadets. This is all handled in a manner most sensitive by director Nicholas Meyer, who never once lets it degenerate into “I’m getting to old for this” nonsense.

Speaking of the new cadets, chief among them is Lt. Saavik, a half Vulcan, half Romulan (maybe) played by a then-hot Kirstie Alley. Spock’s best student, we first meet Saavik when she is taking and failing obviously, the Kobiashi Maru test. One of the more interesting characters created for the Trek films (compare her to the bland Gillian Taylor in Voyage Home), Saavik and Kirk butt heads a few times about Starfleet regulation and there’s even a hint of sexual tension between the two – she is female after all, and we all know the power Kirk has over the ladies. She tends to show more emotion than most Vulcans, crying at Spock’s funeral for example. Of all the characters created soley for the Trek movies, she is the only one to appear in three movies, albeit played by the significantly less good looking and less interesting Robin Curtis. Whilst we’re on the subect of Vulcans, I don’t think it’s much of a spoiler to say that Spock dies in this film. It was about the worst kept secret in Hollywood at the time and it says he dies right on the DVD case, so if you didn’t know he dies then tough. Besides, he doesn’t really die, a fact made obvious by the fact that the net film in the series is called The Search For Spock. How likley is it that Kirk would turn to McCoy at the end of a film called The Search For Spock and say “well, we didn’t find him?” Not very fucking likley. Putting that aside though, Spock’d death is one of the most memorable aspects of the film. Handled sensitivley by Meyer and beautifully written, it is a fitting death scene for a character as loved as Spock. A pity is was all shat on by the next film. “Do not grieve, Admiral. It is logical.” Damn… gets me every time.

Moving on from our heroes to the villain of the peice, the genetic superman Khan Noonien Singh. First introduced in the classic Original Series episode Space Seed Khan ruled Earth in the mid 1990s (what? You didn’t notice?), but was trapped in suspended animation onboard the Botany Bay until Kirk found him in 2267. Being a bit of a bastard, Khan tried to kill Kirk and take over his ship, but Kirk being Kirk, he got his ass kicked and was exiled on Ceti Alpha V. Something terrible happened and Ceti Alpha V became a dead planet (and the Federation never noticed? Really?) and swore he would have his revenge on Kirk. Chekov and the policeman from Terminator find Khan and, being a bit of a bastard, he hijacks the Reliant and sets off to pwn Kirk with the Genesis device. Khan could well be the best villain in all of sci fi. Tied with Vader and Palaptine at any rate. His Captain Ahab like quest for revenge against the man who he thinks wronged him is almost operatic and he is played in a fashion that is itself almost operatic by Ricardo Montalban, one of the most underrated actors of his, or any, generation. It is a grand, theatrical performance that never once crosses the line into parody or becomes silly (see Nero in Star Trek 09). I can think of only one word to sum up Montalban’s performance: he is, quite simply “KHAAAAAAAAN!”

In case it’s not become clear so far, I’ll say that I freakin’ love this film. This and The Empire Strikes Back are the high water marks that I judge any popular sci fi against. The Wrath of Khan was the first film in what is now known as the Star Trek trilogy, so I’ll be reviewing The Search For Spock next. So until then, “I have been and always shall be your friend. Live long and prosper.”

…sniff, sniff.

With DVD and the Internet we’re spoiled for choice when it comes to great sci fi these days, so it’s hard to imagine now the excitment of being a Star Trek fan in 1979 and seeing that poster outside your local cinema. Star Trek had been off the air for ten years and the very thought of a brand new adventure of the USS Enterprise was enough to have fans salivating and pulling on their home made uniforms in preperation for queing round the block. The story behind the making of Star Trek: The Motion Picture has been told many times, but it’s worth retelling (briefly) here. Star Trek‘s ratings had dropped off towards the end of its run, but became a huge success in syndication. NBC wanted to bring Kirk and co. back to the airwaves in a show called Star Trek: Phase II, but a certain film by a certain George Lucas changed their minds. Thanks to runaway success of Star Wars, the USS Enterprise would once again boldy go where no man had gone before, but not as a mere TV show; this was to be a major motion picture with budget to spare. It would feature all of the original cast (Nimoy had declined to appear in Phase II) and, most importantly for the studios, it would be in the capable hands of Robert Wise, director of sci fi classics The Day the Earth Stood Still, The Andromeda Strain and, erm, The Sound of Music.

To appreciate the film, you need to put yourself into the mind of a fan seeing it for the first time during it’s first run. Deprived of any new Trek for ten years, The Motion Picture packed them in. Seeing Kirk, Spock, McCoy and the rest on the screen again was enough to make $11,815,203 for the studio in the film’s opening weekend, breaking the record set by Superman. The novelisation of the movie was a bestseller, as were the next 17 books that followed. More tickets were sold for The Motion Picture than any other Trek film until last years’ reboot. In short, the film was a massive success.

The thing is, as excited as the fans were in 1979, time has not been kind to The Motion Picture. The plot, such as it is, in a semi-remake of the Original Series episdoe The Changeling and is perhaps somewhat hard to follow for a first time viewer and lacks any real drama or emotional impact. When an unknown force hidden in a cloud heads towards Earth, Starfleet sends the Enterprise to intercept. Intercept the cloud they do and the ship’s navigator, the Deltan empath Ilia is replaced by a robot replica by the alien force which calls itself “V’Ger.” Spock spacewalks out to V’Ger and attempts a mind meld and learns that V’Ger is self aware. In the heart of the machine, Kirk and co. learn that V’Ger is in actual fact the Voyager Six probe launched in the 20th Century. V’Ger says that it must merge with its “creator” – humankind – and the Enterprise’s first officer, Steven Decker, sacrifices himself to save Earth. A great idea for a 45 minute TV episode, but for a movie with a runtime of 132 minutes it is far too thin.

The best episodes of any Trek series are always the episodes that focus on the human element (The City on the Edge of Forever being a prime example), but The Motion Picture lacks any sense of emotional involvment between the characters and the plot and, in fact, more than once throughout the film characters act very out of character – McCoy being reluctant to join Kirk and Spock crying over what is essentially spilled milk being just two examples. In order to compete with the groundbreaking special effects of Star Wars the effects sequences take precidence over the human element – despite the tagline. Realising this when it came time to make the sequel, Nicholas Meyer wrote a much more personal movie in the form of The Wrath of Khan. Also unlike Khan and the sequels that followed, The Motion Picture is an awfully clinical film; it feels like someone went through the galaxy with a bottle of Mr Sheen before filming started. Even the uniforms have the look of medical scrubs, not to mention looking incredibly uncomfortable.

There are some moments in the film that work, and work very well. The first big reveal of the Enterprise is great (albeit slightly spoiled by a silly bit of direction that made Scotty look totally gay for Kirk), the special effects hold up pretty well and what few humanistic moments there are in the film are quite nice (Kirk comforting Rand after the transporter malfunction, for example), and the characters of Decker and Ilia are interesting as proto-Riker and proto-Troi (though they are frustratingly underused) but on the whole the film has not aged well. Just seeing Kirk, Spock and McCoy on the big screen again might have been enough in 1979, but in 2010, that just ain’t gonna cut it.