10. How the hell did they set this all up?

A simple question, but one that I would like answered. How the hell did the Ewoks and the handful of rebels on Endor set all the Home Alone style booby traps to crush AT-STs and shit. What’s worse is the fact that the Emperor says a legion of his best troops are on the planet and yet they get their asses handed to them by a bunch of teddy bears. Bullshit.

9. Ewoks eat hair?

Another of those “that never occurred to me” moments occurs when the Ewoks have captured Han and co. and are getting ready to cook them up for dinner. They have them tied to spit roasts (wouldn’t the ropes burn?) and they’re lighting fires underneath them so they cook up nice and crispy. But they don’t skin Chewie. Hae you ever smelled burning hair? It’s not pleasant. Smelly factor aside, you wouldn’t put a chicken in the oven with the feathers on.

8. What a drag.

So, yeah, after the Ewoks somehow rig all the traps and shit up, they show how fucking stupid they are by trying to bring down a Chicken Walker by holding a rope and trying to trip it up. Their ingenious plan fails, of course, causing them to be dragged along the ground in a manner most comical. I really hope there was a ton of broken glass and shit on that particular patch of ground.

7. The Ewok method of untying knots hurts.

I’m not sure what exactly the Ewoks were planning to do with Artoo when they tied him up and took him to their wee treehouses, but tie him up they did. Anyway, when Luke uses the Force to make the Ewoks think that Threepio is a god, the Ewoks untie our rebel heroes and make them part of the tribe. Which is all well and good, but the Ewok who hammers Artoo with an axe to cut the rope around him could’ve used a little more care.

6. Ewok masturbates Han.

Let’s be honest, Harrison Ford was on autopilot during ROTJ. It’s clear to anyone with eyes that he’s simply going through the motions and waiting for the next Indiana Jones movie. Now, so far as I’m aware, Ford has never publicly stated his feelings on the Ewok situation, but I’d imagine that, like the rest of us, he’s probably not a fan. Anyway, there’s a wierd moment when Han’s being harrassed by an Ewok and he decided the best course of action is to take the Ewok’s hands and stick them between his legs. I swear to god, that really happens. Dirty bastard.

5. Speeder bike Ewok.

It’s almost as if Lucas and co. got piss drunk and sat around the writer’s table yelling things like “hey, guys, wouldn’t it be funny if an Ewok got on a speeder bike?” No, it wouldn’t be funny, but sadly no one seemed to realise and we’re treated to the oh-so-hilarious sight of an Ewok being dragged along by a racing speeder bike. The speeder bike chase is awesome, with some of the coolest sound effects in the entire Star Wars saga so it’s truly a pity that it was all pissed on by some bastard Ewok.

4. Me Chewie, you Jane.

Chewie swings out on a vine to get to an AT-ST. I can buy that – in fact, it’s actually pretty cool. What’s not cool is the fact that Chewie lets out a Tarzan yell as he does so. This can only mean one thing: Chewie has seen a Tarzan movie at one point. Way to go, George – spend two and a half movies setting up this incredible fictional universe only to piss on it and go “ho ho ho, it’s all just a movie” twenty minutes before the end of the entire saga. Fuck you, Lucas. Fuck you all to hell.

3. Wicket + Artoo 4eva.

This is one of the few Ewok moments, I don’t utterly hate and it’s actually kinda sweet. After the destruction of the Death Star, the rebels hold a big party on Endor and everybody gets all loved up, hugging and kissing like there’s no tomorrow. But does poor old Artoo get neglected? Of course, not – in fact, lead Ewok Wicket W. Warwick seems to have taken a shine to our little metal buddy, even going so far as to plant a little Ewok smackeroo on him. Altogether now: awwww….

2. Grooming Ewok.

After Chewie and a couple Ewoks swing out and into the Chicken Walker, Chewie sets about serving up big slabs of pwnage steak by turning the Empire’s weapon upon them and shooting down some Stormies. This tickles the Wookiee’s funny bone and Chewie and the Ewoks enjoy a good old laugh about it in the cockpit. But there’s one Ewok who’s got better things to do than laugh – he’s noticed some clumps in Chewie’s fur and he’ll be goddamned if he’s not gonna get them out. At least he didn’t get all gorilla on Chewie’s ass and start eating what he pulled out.

1. The only good Ewok…

You know what might be the single most ridiculous moment in the entire Star Wars saga? During the Battle of Endor, a battle which sees the Emperor’s best troops get utterly annhialated by some teddy bears with blunt arrows, only one Ewok dies. One. And it’s a glorious moment, savored by Star Wars fans the world over. Making it even better is the Ewok’s little friend trying to shake it’s dead companion back to life, all the while uttering sounds that sound a lot like “mama.” It just goes to show that the only good Ewok is a dead Ewok.

Know what’s crazy? The word “Ewok” is not said once in ROTJ and yet it is a household word. Pretty much everyone knows what an Ewok is, wether they’re a Star Wars fan or not. The concept of a primitive race pwning a technologically advanced enemy is a good one, but the execution is so poor and the battle so one-sided that the Ewoks are remembered as the single worst thing in the original Trilogy. Agree? Disagree? Don’t give a fuck? Tell me your thoughts below – and may the Force be with you. End transmission.

10. Artoo states the obvious.

There’s a great throwaway moment on Jabba’s sail barge where Threepio bumps into Artoo and knocks a tray of drink off of Artoo’s head. Being the unerringly polite chap that he is, Threepio apologies before realising that it’s his little pal Artoo that he’s bumped into. So, he asked Artoo what he’s up to and after Artoo beeps and whilstles, Threepio says “well, I can see you’re serving drinks” which means Artoo must’ve said something along the lines of “serving drinks, braniac, what’s it look like I’m doing?” I love that smartmouthed little droid.

9. Drunk Chicken Walker.

After a distinct lack of drunken characters in TESB, the traidition of the drunn Jawas in ANH continues with the drunken AT-ST on Endor. Attempting a balancing act on some logs, the Chicken Walker does a great bendy-legged jig in a vain yet valliant attempt to maintain a vertical base. It’s a great bit of stop-motion animation that would’ve made Harryhausen proud.

8. Sad Rancor keeper.

Another life lesson taught to generation after generation courtesy of George Lucas: everyone, no matter how ugly or wierd, has someone who loves them. After Luke battles and defeats the Rancor (for years I though it was prounounced “ransor,” incidentally) by tossing a skull at a control panel causing a huge ass door to drop down, crushing the Rancor to death. After the fight, the Rancor’s keeper rushes in and, upon seeing his dead pet begins blubbering tears of pure, unadultered sorrow. Tragic stuff, that, to be honest, kinda makes Luke look like a bit on an asshole.

7. What did he say?

Here’s the situation: you’ve just blown up the Death Star and saved the galaxy. There’s a nice fat paycheck waiting for you back at base and no doubt foxy mamas from all over the universe will want to have your children. What do you do? Do you: A. laugh and scream like a loon? B. laugh and scream like a maniac? Or C. kinda mumble out some halfassed laughter? Nein Numb chose C. How exactly Lando can understand the mumblings of his co-pilot escapes me, but it’s hilarious watching his supremley understated reaction to the destruction of the Death Star.

6. Lando Calrissian: worst spy ever.

Speaking of Lando, here’s something I never noticed for years even though it’s massivley obvious. A textbook case of missing the forest for the trees, I never noticed Lando’s staggering lack of subtlety when he’s working undercover in Jabba’s palace. Lando, like his buddy Han Solo, has a bit of a reputation as a scoundrel and gambler throughout the galaxy and so he disguises himself as a skiff guard. We all know Lando likes playing dressup ( the end of TESB where he dresses in Han’s clothes, not to mention his cape on Bespin) and he pretty much blends into the background in his skiff guard costume but Lando pisses all over his disguise by pulling his mask completley off his face exposing his identity to anyone who cared to look.

5. Han’s dad.

Ok, so the rebels are on Endor, right? There’s Han, Leia, Chewie, the droids (for no good reason) and a ton of rebel soldiers. The best and the brightest selected for a very dangerous mission. Young men, fit and able to navigate dangerous terrain and take on any threat that rears its head. Or not. Who the fuck thought it was a good idea to bring the old guy along? Seriously, look at the guy, he’s about ten million years old. Who the fuck is he, Han’s dad? John Hammond? Santa Claus? Worse yet, this idiot has the brilliant idea of dressing up as a Scout Trooper so he can blend in. Yeah, great idea gramps… until Chewie bowcasters you all to hell, thinking you’re a legit Imperial troop. Worst of all, I just googled the guy and it turns out his name is “Nik Sant.” Oh, how fucking hilarious.

4. Hotties at Jabba’s place.

Say what you like about Jabba being a vile scumbag, the guy knew a thing or two about window dressing. Considering he lives in a palace surrounded by some of the ugliest dudes this side of Mos Eisley, can you really blame him for keeping a hot chick or two nearby? Until the arrivial of Princess Leia and the gold bikini that turned many a boy into a man, number one amongst Jabba’s harem was the Twi’lek slave girl Oola, a green skinned cutie (thanks, Star Trek) who famously has a bit of a wardrobe malfunction shortly before her death in the Rancor pit. What I wanna know is, did Jabba have a wardrobe full of gold bikinis in all sizes or did he have to have one made for Leia? In fact, on second thoughts, I don’t care one bit.

3. B-Wings: WTF?

Ok, so X-Wings are X shaped, A-Wings are A shaped (kinda), Y-Wings are Y shaped (sorta), so why the heck are B-Wings called B-Wings? T-Wings would maybe be a better name, but the name isn’t the issue here. The issue here is, I want to fly an B-Wing, and I want to fly one now. They have the coolest cockpit design in the entire Trilogy, why, cause it has some sort of gyroscope in it causing the pilot to always remain stationery, even if the ship is flying upside down or doing corkscrews or whatever. Originally the Falcon was intended to have the same sort of cockpit but, for whatever reason it didn’t happen. The problem with B-Wings, however, was the fact that seemingly every B-Wing pilot was an utter pussy since, after they sign in before the Battle of Endor, they don’t seem to take part in the battle at all.

2. Fett dies like a bitch.

Fuck Boba Fett. I will never understand the popularity of Fett, who has a legion of fanboys despite not actually doing much except stand around and fly his ugly ass ship. Anyway, so Fett’s taking an utter age to aim his flame thrower at Luke on Jabba’s sail barge and unbeknownst to him, a blind Han Solo is behind him with a big pole. Chewie warns Han that Fett is behind him and Han utters the immortal line “Boba Fett? Where?” Han turns round, his stick hits Fett in the ass, setting of Fett’s jetpack and sending him flying into the Great Pit of Carkoon. The kicker? The Sarlacc fucking burps after it eats Fett. Yep, the badass bounty hunter gets reduced to a burp joke. Despite a wealth of bullshit extended universe fiction nonsense that claims Fett somehow survived, Lucas has said that what happens in the movies is canon and EU stuff is naught but fanwank. Sorry fanboys, Fett is dead. And he died like a bitch.

1. “It’s a trap!”

Star Wars has become a globabl phenomenon, but one of the few SW moments that has become an Internet meme involves that crazy fish headed military commander Admiral Ackbar yelling three words that have become Internet legend: “it’s a trap!” Ackbar masterminded the attack on Death Star II and called the action, Gorilla Monsoon style, from his floating chair on the rebel baseship. His plan suceedes, of course, and the Death Star is blown up courtesy of Wedge Antilles, Lando Calrissian and Nein Numb, making the universe safe again. Until, of course, the Star Destroyer Executor shows up after the credits gave rolled and deliver teh pwnage and the wreckage of the Death Star rained down on Endor killing everyone on the planet. Despite what may or may not have happened after the Death Star was destroyed, it’s undeniable that Ackbar is a man who knows a trap when he sees one. Or a tarp, or a harp, a carp, a map, a cap, a crap, La Trappe, a frap, Barack, or anything else the fine people at /b/ would care to come up with.

Notice something about this list? Yeah, there’s no Ewoks! The number one bone of contention when it comes to Jedi and they don’t feature on this list? That’s because my much hyped Super Secret Fourth Part of this series is (drumroll please) THE ALL EWOK EDITION! Bet you can’t fucking wait, can you. Anyway, leave me a comment if you have anything to say and stay tuned for the attack of the Ewoks. Be afraid… be very afraid. End transmission.

PS – Just a quick shout out to anyone who sent me a text or message or anything when I was in hospital. You know who you are, and I thank you. The transmission? End it.