10. Worst, robot, ever – Superman III

Superman III is not a good film. By any stretch of the imagination. The entire film is deeply, deeply flawed with a third rate Lex Luthor trying to monopolise the world’s coffee supply whilst Richard Pryor gurns and skis (more on that later) his way through the movie. The end of the film has Superman battling a robot (I forget how it gets here, but it’s not important.) Now, Superman has fought robots before (paging Metallo…) but this has got to be the worst robot the Man of Tomorrow ever faced, but also one of the worst robots well, ever.

9. “Put my daddy down!” – Superman II

Richard Lester is an Englishman who likes silliness and lowbrow comedy. Why, then, he was chosen to replace Richard Donner (who had already shot at least half of the movie) on Superman II. His ineptitude when it comes to adapting an American comic book reaches its nadir when the Kryponian badguys led by General Zod roll into a small midwestern town and begin running riot. Fair enough. There’s a moment when Zod and co. use some sort of telekinisis to raise a local farmhand about 20 feet in the hair and his tousel-haired son begs Zod to put him down. Again, fair enough, Except that Lester decided to cast the most English boy he could find, with a cut glass accent, to play said farmboy. So we have an American midwest farm town populated by English public schoolboys. Superfail. In the Donner cut, this scene is replaced with a kickass assault on the White House by Zod and pals, which is way, way cooler.

8. Lex Luthor: bald or not? – Superman IV: The Quest For Peace

This is something I’ve never seen referrenced anywhere else and I seem to be the only one who’s noticed it, which confuses me greatley since it sticks out like a sore thumb. In Superman and Superman II (not to mention Superman Returns) Lex Luthor is bald and ashamed of the fact so he wears various wigs to cover his bald head. Now, Gene Hackman had a full head of hair when he played Luthor for the first and second times, he used his own hair for the scenes when Luthor wore a wig and wore a baldcap for the bald scenes. However, in the years that passed between Superman and Superman IV, Gene Hackman had gone bald somewhat and declined to wear a wig. Therefore, in storyline terms, Luthor is wearing a wig with a bald spot and a high hairline to hide the fact that he is bald. I can’t seriously be the only one who noticed that!

7. Richard Pryor: Shins of Steel – Superman III

Christopher Reeve was perfectly cast as the Man of Steel, but the *real* Man of Steel in the Superman movies was Gus Gorman, the nerdy computer programmer played by Richard Pryor. Now, let me say that Pryor was a funny, funny man and he turns in a decent comedy performance in Superman III, but the script and direction let him down. There’s a scene where Gorman is on skis and ends up skiing of the top of a building, falling at least 50 stories before landing on an awning, breaking through, and landing on the street, on his feet. He makes a “comedy” pained face and walks away. Really. Superman is a Kryptonian uber-mensch, and yet he at least registers pain from time to time.

6. Piss on the entire point of the story… to save a few bucks – Superman II

Superman, at its heart, was a movie about a son with two fathers, both of which are lost to him. His real dad, Jor-El sacrifices himself to give his son a chance for life and his adoptive dad, Jonathan Kent (played by the great Glenn Ford) has a heart attack and dies when Clark is in his teens, giving Clark the motivation to become a hero: “all these powers and I couldn’t even save him.” It’s actually pretty powerful stuff, Jor-El’s speeches from across time and space to his son, telling him “you will make my strength your own. You will see my life through your eyes, as your life will be seen through mine. The son becomes the father and the father, the son.” The entire movie is based on this idea, with Clark fufilling the potential and claiming his birthright. Then, in the first sequel, Supes goes to the Fortress of Solitude and suddenly his mother and a random Kryptonian (who was against Jor-El in the original, and yet is now teaching his son) show up. All to save a few dollars by not hiring Marlon Brando again (even though the movie was bound to make a million billion bucks.) Thankfully, Richard Donner corrected this mistake when he was allowed to recut the movie and insert the footage he had shot that Laster rejected.

5. The Opening Sequence of – Superman III

Speaking of Richard Lester, if you ever needed more proof of his towering unsuitability for a Superman movie, look no further than the opening sequence of Superman III. To be fair, it’s a remarkable bit of slapstick cinema, but it’s so out of place in a Superman movie, neglecting to use to classic Superman swoopy blue credits or even John Williams’s stirring Superman march, opting instead to use a completley unmemorable peice of music and credits that look they were made using Windows Movie Maker. American TV execs may be idiots, but even they had the sense to replace the opening with something more in line with the first two and dubbing in a pretty kick ass version of the Superman theme. The strangest thing, and I’ve got no way to prove this, is the odd British-ness of the actors falling over, almost being drowned on dry land and being pied in the face. Metropolis is in America, right? And yet these people look like they’d be more at home in the Rovers’ Return.

6. Superman = Jesus – Superman Returns

There’s always been a bit of a messianic overtone with the Superman story – baby is born who shows extraordinary powers whilst growing up and goes on to save the world. But this has always been in the background, overlooked by kids who love the flying and stuff, but noticed by more astute viewers, giving the story another dimension to enjoy. Superman strikes the balance between fun and subtext prefectly, but, when the time came to make Superman Returns, Bryan Singer decided to beat us over the head with the message, at the expense of a lot of the fun stuff.

5. The Kents are strange – Superman: The Movie

Speaking of the Superman origin story, do the Kent’s actions upon finding young Kal-El strike anyone else as a bit… peculiar? Imagine you were in their place. You’re driving along and something explodes nearby. You stop to investigate and discover a young naked boy who can lift a truck above his head. Any reasonable person would look at this as being a tad weird and would probably drop this devil child off at the nearest police station or hospital. But no, what the Kents do is take this kid home with them and raise him as an All-American boy. With superpowers.

4. Superman rebuilds the Great Wall… with mind bullets! – Superman IV

Superman’s powers: flight, super strength, super speed, x-ray vision, heat vision, super breath, super hearing, super smell and enchanced stamina. I see nothing about telekenis in that list, and yet in Superman IV, following the destruction of the Great Wall of China, the Metropolis Marvel displays a hithero-unseen abilty to move objects with him mind (and a strange blue laser beam thing), rebuilding the Great Wall in a matter of seconds. He later uses this ability to levitate falling people and lower them safely to the ground. The Quest For Peace is undoubtedly one of the worst movies ever made, but the way it messes around with Superman’s powers annoys me greatley. That said, every Superman movie ever made does the same thing, ascribing to Supes powers that his creators never dreamed of. And after reading the next two entries on this list, I think you’ll agree that Superman’s mind over matter in VI is the least of our problems.

3. Clark Kent and the Rohypnol kiss – Superman II and Superman IV

Clark Kent, the All-American farmboy who grew up, moved to the big city and, paragon of virtue that he is, would never say boo to a goose, can a pretty creepy guy. Never more so than at the end of Superman II and again in Superman IV when he kisses Lois Lane with a mouthful of roofie saliva that makes Lois forget everything that has just happened. What I want to know is, does he ever get tempted to misuse this? Does he scour nightclubs and back alleys, picking up women and having his way with them before planting the kiss of forgetfulness on them? Or does he ever put it to good use, smacking supervillains on the lips making them forget their evil plans? It might be a bit wierd, but that would save him a hell of a lot of legwork. Like, for example, at the end of Superman when Luthor tells Big Blue about the missles, why didn’t Superman pucker up and plant one on Luthor, making him forget his entire evil scheme?

2. Turning the world back – Superman

Ok, so we’ve seen Telekenitic Superman and Flunitrazepam Superman, let’s try Time Travel Superman on for size. At the end of the first movie, Superman saves the day and puts wrong to right, but Lois Lane dies in the process. So, Supes flies up into space and flies backward around the world so quickly that the planet spins backward, turning back time, bringing Lois back to life. How this doesn’t case the faultline to reopen, the valley to reflood and how Supes doesn’t meet himself is glossed over and not mentioned. It also makes Superman look like a bit of a douche, that he’s willing to fuck with history in order to bring his chain-smoking, hatchet-faced crush back to life. So, yeah, in addition to ESP and Rohypnol saliva, the Superman of the movies is also capable of turning back time. Again, why does he never use this power again. Lex Luthor is threatening to destroy New York with a lazer but I don’t want to miss the end of Dr. Who, so I’ll just let him go ahead and do it; I can always turn the world back and stop him.

1. The polythene “S” – Superman II

And so it comes to this – the single most idiotic moment in a series full of such moments. The end of Superman II.  After somehow creating holographic versions of himself to fool General Zod and his cohorts – a WTF moment in itself – Superman peels the “S” off of his chest and throws it, fresbee style, at Zod’s retarded henchman, causing it to wrap around him and trap him in a giant red and yellow polythene bag. He falls to the ground and seconds later the bag disintergates and the guy’s ready to attack again. Family Guy put it best: “that was a minor inconveince.” Without doubt, the silliest moment in the entire series and truly deserving of the top place of today’s list. Not only is it idiotic, but insulting to the viewer’s intelligence – and that, even in a comic book movie, is unforgivable since it destroys any sense of verismillitude or suspension of disbelief that the viewer has developed. That said, there’s so much idiocy in Superman II that it’s close to impossible to build up any suspension of disbelief at all. Thank fuck then, for the Richard Donner cut, which cut out 99% of this nonsense and presents us with, shock horror, a pretty good movie.

Superman: The Movie, Superman II: The Richard Donner Cut and Superman Returns are all good movies, but it’s a real shame that only one Superman movie is truly great (the first, of course). The first would be the definitive Superman movie if the studio had allowed Donner to use his original ending – Superman saves the day and the missle thrown into space knocks Zod and co. out of the Phantom Zone and brings them to earth, setting up a cliffhanger for the second movie and also eliminating the stupid time travel and forgetful kisses. The Donner cut of Superman II opens with the original ending of Superman and ends with the Kryptonian villains killing Lois, causing Supes to do his time travel trick, which whilst still annoying, works a lot better than in the original movie. In any case, that’s our top ten worst Superman movie moments. I know I missed the whole “breathing in space” thing from Quest For Peace, and if that bugs you, let me know below. End transmission.

10. Lieutennant Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica

An obvious knock off of Han Solo from the Star Wars trilogy, the ace Viper pilot Lt. Starbuck nonetheless is cool enough to make the list. Played by Dirk “Face from off of The A-Team” Bennedict in the grad tradition of Flash Gordon-esque swashbuckling sci fi heroes, the popularity of Starbuck apparently pissed Richard Hatch off, who felt that his character of Apollo was being sidelined to make room for more episodes starring Bennedict.

9. Captain Jean-Luc Picard from Star Trek: The Next Generation

A bit of a controversial one here since there are those who think that Picard should be in the top spot on this list, but for my money, Picard’s in his rightful place at number nine. A man who would seemingly rather sit in his ready room and hold meetings rather than actually, yanno, *do* something, Picard has nonetheless negotiated his way into saving the universe a couple times and for that he is worthy of inclusion.

8. The T-800 from Terminator 2: Judgement Day

The only character on this list to have been both the baddie and the goodie, Schwarzenegger’s heroic T-800 from T2 has become a pop cultural icon and one of the most parodied characters in cinema history. After fighting on the side of Skynet in the first movie, the Austrian Oak returned, reprogrammed and fighting the good fight in the sequel.

7. Flash Gordon

dumdumdumdumdumdumdum FLASH! Ah-ahhhh! He’ll save every one us! Well, he’s been saving every one of us in books, comics, radio, TV shows, and movies since 1934 and it doesn’t look like he’s planning to stop any time soon. Created by Alex Raymond (one of the most underrated and unappreciated men in comics history) the “saviour of the universe” has been battling the forces of Emperor Ming in every form of media and Freddie Mercury was not using hyperbole when he described Flash as “king of the impossible.”

6. Han Solo from Star Wars

The role that made Harrison Ford a star. Be honest, who hasn’t wanted to be Han Solo at some point in their life? The coolest guy ever to wear a waistcoat and buddies with a death dealing walking carpet, the cocky smuggler Han Solo is undoubtedly the best character in Star Wars. He’s at his best in A New Hope when he’s arrogant, wisecracking and absolutley 100% uninterested in the Rebellion’s cause. His character becomes watered down the more into the rebellion he gets, but he still maintains that smuggler cool, even when he’s being upstaged by Ewoks.

5. Mr. Spock from Star Trek

Flawlessly logical and endlessly cool (in the “as a cucumber” sense of the word) the half Vulcan-half human Mr. Spock was Captain Kirk’s second-in-command and right-hand-man. Acting as a calm and rational counterpoint to the passion and emotion of Kirk and Dr. McCoy, Spock was absolutley invaluable to both the fictional sucess of the Enterprise’s missions and the very real sucess of Star Trek.

4. Luke Skywalker from Star Wars

He was never as cool as Han Solo, but from a heroic standpoint Luke places higher than Han. The son of Darth Vader and brother of Princess Leia, Luke’s journey from simple farmboy to Jedi Knight is – despite what Lucas might say about Vader and/or the droids – the true story being told in the original Star Wars trilogy. The real trick Lucas played with Luke was casting Mark Hamill, an actor capable of going from gormless boy to mature and confident man. Whether he’s destroying the Death Star in ANH, trying to save his friends in TESB or redeeming his father in ROTJ, Luke is the real hero in the Star Wars trilogy.

3. Superman

Some of his powers and adventures might be more fantasy than science fiction, but his origin is pure scifi. The last son of Krypton, sent to earth from his dying home planet as a child in a rocketship built by his scientist father, Superman has saved his adoptive home – not to mention the entire universe – on occasions innumerable. Constantly threatened by evil geniuses, mechanical robots, giant apes and interdimensional tricksters, Superman also has to face some very human problems such as dealing with his boss, his pushy girlfriend and his nerdish friends. Known as the Man of Steel, the Man of Tomorrow and, ocassionaly, the Metropolis Marvel, Superman is not only comic’s greatest hero, but also one of science fiction’s.

2. Captain James T. Kirk from Star Trek

Every so often a character and an actor become so inextricably linked that it’s impossible for any other actor to play the role. Chris Pine learned this the hard way when he tried to essay the role of Jim Kirk in the 2009 Star Trek reboot. Now and forever, Captain Kirk and William Shatner are all but one and the same. Kirk is the classic image of the authoritarian who’s not afraid to play by his own rules when the going gets tough. Captain, of course, of the USS Enterprise, Kirk has saved the galaxy more times than I’ve had hot dinners.

1. The Doctor from Dr. Who

If Captain Kirk is the epitome of a sci fi hero in a uniform, then the Doctor is the ultimate sci fi renegade. The Gallifreyan Time Lord has probably saved the universe more times than anyone, and yet can be a bit of a bastard himself – stealing the TARDIS, almost strangling his companion Peri, frequently losing his temper and being guilty of some shocking wardrobe choices. Played by eleven actors (so far) – Peter Davidson, Matt Smith, Patrick Troughton and Jon Pertwee being some of my favorites – my all time favorite Doctor however is Colin Baker. Sadly Baker was never given much of a chance in the role (Timothy Dalton comes to mind) and the scripts he was given let him down somewhat, but he was brilliant in the role, pitching his performance somewhere between the grumpiness of Hartnel, the quirkiness of Tom Baker and the nice-guy-ness of Davidson. In any case, the character of the Doctor is without question science fiction’s greatest hero and one of its most beloved characters.

Whether we’re being attacked by Ming the Merciless, the Cybermen, the Klingons or Lex Luthor, we can always count one of of these guys to save the day. This list could easily have been a top twenty, so whittling it down to just ten wasn’t easy. Annoyed that I’ve missed out one of your favorites? Let me know your thoughts below. End transmission.

10. The Galactic Confederacy from L. Ron Hubbard’s bullshit made up “religion” Scientology.

Though it’s presented as fact, L. Ron Hubbard’s nonsense about Xenu and the Galactic Confedarcy is just zany enough (even by religion’s standards) to make the list. According to the late Hubbard and his idiot celebrity followers, 75 million years ago the dictator of the Galactic Confederacy brought his people to earth in spacecraft that looked remarkably like DC-8s. He put them near volcanoes and blew them up using H-Bombs, but the spirits of these beings survived and cause spiritual harm to people to this day. Scientologists like to play down this aspect of their “religion” but the fact is that despite what Tom Cruise, Will Smith, John Travolta, Lisa-Marie Presley, Jason Lee, Courtney Love Leah Remini, Billy Sheenan, Kirstie Alley, Peaches Geldof, Issac Hayes, Jenna Elfman, Catherine Bell and Juliette Lewis and countless other idiots might tell you, this is what Scientologists actually believe.

9. The Sontaran Empire from Dr. Who

Ok, from bullshit to real science fiction, we move from Battlefield Earth to a race of grumpy baked potatoes. The Sontarans first appeared in the Jon Pertwee era and were last seen, well, last week menacing Matt Smith’s Doctor. Reproducing through cloning rather than more… conventional means, the Sontarans look remarkably similar and signify rank through coloured outfits. At war with the Rutan Empire for the last 50,000 years, and with a garrison numbering in the billions, the Sontarans may look like potatoes, but they are a force to be reckoned with.

8. The Kree Empire from Marvel Comics

With an empire spanning thousands of worlds, the blue/pink skinned Kree first appeared in a 1967 issue of Fantastic Four. With a population of over 30 billion prior to the detonation of a nega-bomb which killed 98% of the Kree race, the Kree’s greatest hero was Captain Mar-Vell (not to be confused with Captain Marvel, of course) who later became a Skrull (it’s complicated.) Brilliantly, the Kree have come up with a mathematical equation that disproves the existence of any deities which is taught to all Kree children at “the same time we teach them not to soil themselves with excrement.”

7. The Terran Empire from Star Trek

Or; the Anti-Federation. The mirror universe (that place where Spock has a beard) equivalent of the United Federation of Planets, the Terran Empire is much more militaristic and ruthless than its real-universe counterpart. Continually embroiled in warfare with other planets and species and as far removed from the “peace and understanding” attitude of the Federation as its possible to be, the Terran Empire is as aggressive and opportunistic as the Klingon Empire in the real-universe.

6. The Skrull Empire from Marvel Comics

From the planet Skrullos in the Andromeda galaxy come the Skrulls. Created by Lee and Kirby in Fantastic Four #2, the Skrull Empire is made up of a race of greenskinned shapeshifters. A thorn in the side of the Marvel heroes since their inception, the once mighty Skrull Empire has now fallen, which is why, cool as the Skrulls are, they just miss out on the top five.

5. The Romulan Empire from Star Trek

Based – obviously – on the ancient Roman Empire and looking suspiously like Vulcans, the Romulan Empire was first encountered in TOS episode Balance of Power with Mark “Spock’s Dad” Lenard playing the Romulan commander. Ruthless and cunning, the Romulan Empire is larger than the Klingon Empire but smaller than, not to mention surrounded by, the Federation.

4. The Cylon Empire from Battlestar Galactica

Proof that intelligence isn’t nessecarily needed when creating an empire, the profoundly stupid Cylons nonetheless managed to destroy all but a handful of humans and, having done this, found that they had little else to do except hunt down the ones that got away. If there’s no more planets left to conquer and the only way to fill your days is to spend them chasing Ben Cartwright and Face from the A Team across the galaxy then you know you’ve got a hell of an empire.

3. The Dalek Empire from Dr. Who

The infamous arch enemies of the Doctor, the Dalek Empire, controlled by the Emperor Dalek on Skaro, have been the Doctor’s most pressing problem since the menacing pepperpots’ first apperance in 1963. Organisms called Kaleds encased in mechanical tank-like shells, the Daleks will no doubt continue trying to exterminate their way to galactic dominance long after the Doctor has used up all his regenerations.

2. The Klingon Empire from Star Trek

Bound by a strict code of honor, the Klingons are the most famous badguys ever to menace the crew of the good ship Enterprise. Based on the Klingon homeword of Qo’noS, the Klingon Empire was originally a fuedal monarchy with a descendent of the legendary warrior Kahless the Unforgettable as Emperor, however the real power lay with the Chancellor and the Klingon High Council. Once sworn enemies of the Federation, relations have warmed somewhat between the Klingons and the Federation, but the Klingon propensity of violence means that the peace can only last so long.

1. The Galactic Empire from Star Wars

The only empire on this list known only as “The Empire,” the Galactic Empire ruled over by Emperor Palpatine in the Star Wars trilogy is the only choice for the top spot on our list. With the Emperor pulling the strings, Darth Vader acting as a figurehead and brilliant military tactitians like Grand Moff Tarkin doing the dirty work, the Galactic Empire wielded more power than any other empire on today’s list and, despite their eventual defeat by a plucky band of rebels, were probably the most feared. With hundreds of planets across the galaxy under their control, the Galactic Empire were for a time the undoubted rulers of the universe, making them the only empire on the list to achieve it’s goal of galactic domination.

From Dr. Who to the religion of moronic celebrities; from Marvel comics to Battlestar Galactica; and, of course, the brothers Star, the notion of empires in sci fi is one that writers continually turn to when they need strong badguys for their heroes to fight. Since this top ten covered both sci fi and comics and since I’ve been writing a lot about the horror genre of late, I think we’re due something different next, so stay tuned. End transmission.

Oh, one last thing. I’m going into hospital tomorrow for a (reasonably minor) operation, so cross your fingers and toes for me and I’ll check in as soon as I can. End transmission.

10. LIEUTENNANT COMMANDER DATA from Star Trek: The Next Generation

The crowining achievement of Star Fleet robotics, Lt Cmdr Data opens our top ten. Played by Brent Spiner, Data was the TNG equivilent of Spock, cold and emotionless but struggling desperatley to fit in with the humans he worked with. 178 episodes of somewhat akward character development later and Data was finally one of us. Though why he would want to be as flawed and irrational as humankind escapes me. His love for Sherlock Holmes should have placed him higher, but, to be honest, I never cared for TNG and so Data’s only here out of a sense of obligation.

9. TWIKI from Buck Rogers in the 25th Century

For no other reason than he was voiced by Mel Blanc, Buck Roger’s robot pal Twiki biddi-biddi-biddi’s his way to number nine. Played by sci fi and fantasy legend Felix Silla (Cosuin Itt in The Addams Family) and with a voice provided by the greatest voice actor of all time, Twiki was an obvious nod to R2-D2 and C3-P0, the droids from Star Wars. I remember watching re-runs of Buck Rogers as a kid and loing Twiki, so for purely nostalgic reasons he makes the list. “Go, Buck, Go!”

8. OPTIMUS PRIME from Transformers

Don’t fuck with Optiums Prime – he’s more than meets the eye. What I’m about to tell you is fact, cold, hard, show-your-working fact. Robots than can turn into cars are badass. There’s no two ways about it. And if robots that turn into cars are badass, then a robot who turns into an eighteen wheeler is about as badass as it gets. The leader of the Autobots, Optimus Prime leads the fight against the evil Decepticons, led by Megatron. Megatron transformed into a gun, which unless there’s someone there to shoot it is pretty useless. Optimus’ recent dalliances with Shia LeBeouf (French for Shia the beef – swear to God) have knocked his credability somewhat which explains his low placement on the list.

7. ROBOT B9 from Lost in Space

The Robot from Lost In Space, or to give it its full title, the B-9, Class M-3 General Utility Non-Theorizing Environmental Control Robot, is one of the most famous robot in sci fi, despite not actually doing a very great deal besides standing around and warning Will Robinson of danger. To be perfectly honest, this is another choice based entirley on nostalgia as I remember many a day spent watching Lost In Space reruns, something which may explain my utter hatred for so-called “hard” science fiction. But, like the Robot always said, you can lead a robot to water, but you can’t make him compute. I have no idea what the means either.

6. CYLON CENTURION from Battlestar Galactica

To call the Cylons robots is actually a misnomer, since the Cylons were the reptilian race that created the shiny silver guys before dying out leaving only the robots behind. The robots became self aware (as the best robots are wont to do) and decided to wage war with the Twelve Colonies. But fuck semantics. The Cylons are – like everything in BSG – an obvious nod to Star Wars, but just because they’re a rip off doesn’t negate the coolness, and my friends, Cylons are cool. And shiny. But the silver Cylons were just the rank and file guys, you wanna really talk cool, you have to check out the Command Centurions.

Gold Cylons? Now, that’s cool.

5. TOM SERVO AND CROW from Mystery Science Theatre 3000

The show’s main theme tells you everything you need to know: “In the not too distant future, next Sunday AD, there was a guy named Joel, not too different from you or me. He worked at Gizmonics Institute, just another face in a red jumpsuit, he did a good job cleaning up the place, but his bosses didn’t like him so they shot him into space! Now keep in mind Joel can’t control when the movies begin or end, because he used those special parts to build his robot friends. If you’re wondering how he eats and breathes and other science facts, just keep telling yourself it’s just a show, I should really just relax for Mystery Science Theatre 3000!” What more can I possibly say?

4. CYBERDINE SYSTEMS MODEL T800 from The Terminator

The T-800, specifically the 101 series (that’s the one that looks like Schwarzenegger), is a programmable assasin and military infiltration unit (thanks, Wikipedia) but we don’t give a crap about that stuff. We wanna see it go back in time and kill people and fight liquid metal dudes and shit. Interestingly, the T-800 is the only character to appear on the American Film Insitutue’s lists top 50 heroes and top 50 villains. And that’s what makes the T-800 interesting: the fact that he can be programmed to do good or evil. Most robots can only carry out the functions they were programmed for – indeed robots such as Nomad from Star Trek self destructed when they were forced to go aginst programming – but the T-800 presents a choice. Do you program him for good or do you program him to rob banks for you? I’m in the minority who think that The Terminator is a better film than it’s overblown sequel. In the first movie the T-800 is more like a classic monster movie villain or the killer in a slasher movie. An unstoppable, unkillable machine that “absolutley will not stop – ever – until you are dead.”

3. MARIA from Metropolis

One of the greatest sci fi movies ever made and one of the most influentual movies of all time features not only some of the most striking images in cinema, but also features one of the greatest robotic characters ever. Produced in Germany during the Weimar republic the film is an allegory for the class strugle between workers and owners. Brigitte Helm plays Maria, a free spirited young woman who works to help the poor, whose conciousness is transferred into an amoral robotic version of herself. The incredible imagery and special effects inspired every Frankenstein movie that followed. Speaking of inspiration, is it just me or does Maria look awfully like a female version of…

2. C3P0 AND R2D2 from Star Wars

Iconic is the only word. The two most famous and well loved robots in film history, R2 and 3P0 are two of the most instantly recognisable characters in sci fi history. The cute little whistling trashcan is undoubtedly the unsung hero of the Star Wars trilogy. Sure Luke blew up the Death Star, but who carried the plans exposing the Death Star’s only weakness? R2. Sure Luke and Han rescued Leia, but who told them where she was being held? R2. Sure, Luke and co. escaped the garbage masher, but who shut it off? R2. Handy guy to have around. Also, as much as us fanboys like to imagine we’re like Han Solo or Boba Fett, 3P0 is the character we most resemle. Think about it. Misunderstood, intelligent, sensitive and prone to saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. 3P0 is, ironically, the most recognisably human character in the Original Trilogy. Need any more proof that R2 and 3P0 are awesome? Name another robot who had a cameo in Raiders of the Lost Ark. I rest my case.

1. ROBBY THE ROBOT from Forbidden Planet

The granddaddy of them all, Robby the Robot is, quite simply, the greatest robot of all time. Inspired by Ariel the spirit in Shakespeare’s The Tempest, Robby made his first apperance in 1956′s Forbidden Planet and instantly becoming a pop culture icon, Robby has made a number of film and TV apperances since, starring in his own movie, The Invisibile Boy, three episodes of The Twilight Zone, two apperances in Lost In Space, as well as episodes of The Thin Man, The Addams Family, The Man From UNCLE, The Monkees, Columbo, Wonder Woman, Mork and Mindy, The Simpsons, Futurama, Teen Titans, Dr. Who and even a cameo in Star Wars: The Phantom Menace. Not bad for a robot, huh?

So, there ya go. I seriously considered putting Gort from The Day the Earth Stood Still in the list somewhere, but, to be honest, he doesn’t do a very great deal but stand around and look mean. As per always, comment if you got ‘em. End transmission.