10. BULLITT (1968)

Steve McQueen with an upside down shoulder holster and a green Mustang? Shit yeah. Based on real life Bay Area cop Dave Toschi (as was Dirty Harry, to some extent) Frank Bullitt is a no nonsense cop in a no nonsense movie with a no nonsense title. What’s it about? Bullitt. What’s it called? Bullitt. What comes out his gun? Bullits. MIND BULLITTS.

9. ROPE (1948)

One of Hitchcock’s most underrated films, Rope is one of his most tense, one of his most brilliantly acted and one of my favorites. After two college graduates kill their freind and have a dinner party with his corpse in the room, James Stewart, playing against type as a bit of an asshole, slowly works out what’s happened and slowly racks up the tension, applying more and more pressure on the murderers until they – and the audience – reach breaking point. And, no, of course it wasn’t all filmed in one take.

8. CASINO (1995)

Honestly? I think Casino is ten times the movie GoodFellas is. GoodFellas is all about Henry Hill (played by Ray “what happened to my career?” Liotta) making Bambi eyes and pretending to be remourseful about his criminal past when, in actual fact, he’s nothing but a stooge and a coward, while Casino is about real gangsters, doing real gangster shit. One man’s rise to power and his eventual downful, Casino is, like GoodFellas, stunningly lensed and mesmerisingly acted, but, unlike GoodFellas, it pulls no punches.

7. HALLOWEEN (1978)

The film that launched the slasher genre and the careers of John Carpenter and Jamie Lee Curtis, Halloween is rightly remembered as one of the best films of its kind. Who knew a man in a William Shatner mask could be so bloody scary? John Carpenter, that’s who. The classic images of the film, coupled with the genuinley unnerving soundtrrack – composed by Carpenter – make for essential horror viewing that, even today, still has the power to creep audiences out.

6. ROCKY (1976)

One of the all time great feel-good movies, Rocky is, nonetheless, quite a downbeat affair, especially compared to the later films in the series. Sure, Rocky loses the fight and gets beat to a bloody pulp, but along the way he finds love, friendship and realises that he has something to live for. The later films may have tarnished the reputation of the original, but it remains one of my all time favorite films and one that, if I come across it on TV, I’m compelled to watch to the end.

5. SCARFACE (1932/1983)


Whether you’re talking about the 1932 original or its more widley seen Al Pacino starring remake, there’s no denying that Scarface is a powerful movie. The remake is a rare example of a remake being better than the original, but both are classic examples of gangster cinema. The original stars Paul Muni as Itallian thug-turned-kingpin Tony Camonte and the remake, of course, boasts an incredible performance from Al Pacino as thug-turned-drug lord Tony Montana

4. PSYCHO (1960)

Based on a novel by Robert Bloch, Psycho is Alfred Hitchcock’s most well known film and the film that he’ll forever be remembered for, Psycho is, in actual fact far from Hitchcock’s best film, but the fact that Hitch was betteron his worst day than most are on their best makes Psycho a classic. Single handedly creating the slasher genre, there’s actually very little blood in the film, regardless of the film’s gory reputation. The masterfully edited “shower scene” is worth the price of admission alone, but for my money, the death of Detective Arbogast is the more shocking scene.

3. CASABLANCA (1942)

I’m shocked that it’s taken this long for me to get around to writing about Casablanca on this site. I mentioned it in passing on the “original casting choices” list, but that was more an excuse to wax lyrical about how awesome Bogart was than anything else. One of the all time classics of any genre and the perfect example of how “they don’t make ‘em like they used to” Casablanca is a close to perfect movie. From the pitch perfect performances from a cast comprised soley of Hollywood legends to the brilliantly tight plotting and snappy dialouge, Casablanca should be required viewing for anyone with even a passing intrest in film. I don’t care if you’re a gorehound, a Western fan, a rom-com junkie or whatever, if you haven’t already done so, you need to see Casablanca.

2. UNFORGIVEN (1992)

There are two types of people in the world: John Wayne fans and Clint Eastwood fans. John Wayne fans are people who see the world in black and white (the bad guys are irredeemably bad and the good guys are saints) whereas Clint Eastwood fans tend to see the world in shades of grey. Me/ I’ve got a lot of time for the Duke, but Clint is not only a hundred times more badass in every concievable way, but is much more grounded in reality. The good guys don’t always win and sometimes the “good” guys are just as corrupt and immoral as the “bad.” Clint’s masterpeice, Unforgiven, bears this out, with Clint playing William Munny, the culmination of every gunslinger and cowboy he ever played, from Rowdy Yates to Josey Wales. Gene Hackman, Morgan Freeman and Richard Harris are all on top form, but it’s Eastwood’s movie, and it’s brilliant. Interesting theory: at the end of the movie we learn that Munny moved to San Fransico and “prospered in dry goods.” I like to imagine that, to avoid unwanted attention, he changed his name to “Callaghan” and had a grandson who went into law enforcment…

1. JAWS (1975)

The film that made people sit up and notice Steven Speilberg, the film that scared people out of the water and the film at the number one spot on our list today is 1975′s Jaws. The first true “blockbuster” movie, it paved the way for such “event movies” as Star Wars and Avatar, but more than that, it played to a deep and very primal fear that all human beings have: the fear of the unknown. Never before had a film so effectivley played to our fear of what lies beneath and touched such a nerve with so many people as Jaws. Shark movies have been made since (including three increasingly risable sequels) but none have been able to recreate the fear – nay, terror – of Jaws. The title is iconic now, but in 1975 it must have been a strange title indeed, as it doesn’t tell the viewer anything about the film. Had it been made twenty years before it would’ve been called Attack of the Shark or something equally silly, but the cryptic title can only have added to the movie’s appeal. Thirty years on, and everybody – whether they’ve seen it or not – knows exactly what you’re talking about when you say the word Jaws to them and that, ladies and gentlemen, is the mark of a great movie title.

Honorable mentions in no particular order to:

1. Vertigo (1958)
Another Hitchcock classic.
2. Dracula/Frankenstein (1931)
The monster movies that started it all.
3. Spartacus (1960)
No, not the shitty TV show. The best movie of its kind ever made.
4. Seven (1995)
Intense and creepy, with a three brilliant performances from Freeman, Pitt and Spacey.
5. Clerks (1994)
He may be a bloated self parody now, but once upon a time Kevin Smith made a masterpeice. It was called Clerks.
6. Platoon (1986)
They say “war is hell.” This film shows that they’re not lying.
7. Goldfinger (1964)
It’s not the best Bond movie, but it’s pretty darn good.
8. Rambo (2008)
After the excess of the sequels, Stallone takes Rambo back to his roots.
9. Metropolis (1927)
Silent cinema at it’s best. A nightmare vision of the future.
10. Alien (1979)
In space, everyone can hear you say “Alien is awesome.”

What a movie is called is every bit as important as the content of the movie. After all, a masterpeice with a terrible title isn’t going to draw an audience. Similarly, if you make a movie that you know is shit, you can always slap a really snappy title and hope to hell that’ll bring people in – just as Roger Corman. Anyway, let me know your favorite one word movie titles and stick around for the next installment in our never ending series of top tens. End transmission.

10. Worst, robot, ever – Superman III

Superman III is not a good film. By any stretch of the imagination. The entire film is deeply, deeply flawed with a third rate Lex Luthor trying to monopolise the world’s coffee supply whilst Richard Pryor gurns and skis (more on that later) his way through the movie. The end of the film has Superman battling a robot (I forget how it gets here, but it’s not important.) Now, Superman has fought robots before (paging Metallo…) but this has got to be the worst robot the Man of Tomorrow ever faced, but also one of the worst robots well, ever.

9. “Put my daddy down!” – Superman II

Richard Lester is an Englishman who likes silliness and lowbrow comedy. Why, then, he was chosen to replace Richard Donner (who had already shot at least half of the movie) on Superman II. His ineptitude when it comes to adapting an American comic book reaches its nadir when the Kryponian badguys led by General Zod roll into a small midwestern town and begin running riot. Fair enough. There’s a moment when Zod and co. use some sort of telekinisis to raise a local farmhand about 20 feet in the hair and his tousel-haired son begs Zod to put him down. Again, fair enough, Except that Lester decided to cast the most English boy he could find, with a cut glass accent, to play said farmboy. So we have an American midwest farm town populated by English public schoolboys. Superfail. In the Donner cut, this scene is replaced with a kickass assault on the White House by Zod and pals, which is way, way cooler.

8. Lex Luthor: bald or not? – Superman IV: The Quest For Peace

This is something I’ve never seen referrenced anywhere else and I seem to be the only one who’s noticed it, which confuses me greatley since it sticks out like a sore thumb. In Superman and Superman II (not to mention Superman Returns) Lex Luthor is bald and ashamed of the fact so he wears various wigs to cover his bald head. Now, Gene Hackman had a full head of hair when he played Luthor for the first and second times, he used his own hair for the scenes when Luthor wore a wig and wore a baldcap for the bald scenes. However, in the years that passed between Superman and Superman IV, Gene Hackman had gone bald somewhat and declined to wear a wig. Therefore, in storyline terms, Luthor is wearing a wig with a bald spot and a high hairline to hide the fact that he is bald. I can’t seriously be the only one who noticed that!

7. Richard Pryor: Shins of Steel – Superman III

Christopher Reeve was perfectly cast as the Man of Steel, but the *real* Man of Steel in the Superman movies was Gus Gorman, the nerdy computer programmer played by Richard Pryor. Now, let me say that Pryor was a funny, funny man and he turns in a decent comedy performance in Superman III, but the script and direction let him down. There’s a scene where Gorman is on skis and ends up skiing of the top of a building, falling at least 50 stories before landing on an awning, breaking through, and landing on the street, on his feet. He makes a “comedy” pained face and walks away. Really. Superman is a Kryptonian uber-mensch, and yet he at least registers pain from time to time.

6. Piss on the entire point of the story… to save a few bucks – Superman II

Superman, at its heart, was a movie about a son with two fathers, both of which are lost to him. His real dad, Jor-El sacrifices himself to give his son a chance for life and his adoptive dad, Jonathan Kent (played by the great Glenn Ford) has a heart attack and dies when Clark is in his teens, giving Clark the motivation to become a hero: “all these powers and I couldn’t even save him.” It’s actually pretty powerful stuff, Jor-El’s speeches from across time and space to his son, telling him “you will make my strength your own. You will see my life through your eyes, as your life will be seen through mine. The son becomes the father and the father, the son.” The entire movie is based on this idea, with Clark fufilling the potential and claiming his birthright. Then, in the first sequel, Supes goes to the Fortress of Solitude and suddenly his mother and a random Kryptonian (who was against Jor-El in the original, and yet is now teaching his son) show up. All to save a few dollars by not hiring Marlon Brando again (even though the movie was bound to make a million billion bucks.) Thankfully, Richard Donner corrected this mistake when he was allowed to recut the movie and insert the footage he had shot that Laster rejected.

5. The Opening Sequence of – Superman III

Speaking of Richard Lester, if you ever needed more proof of his towering unsuitability for a Superman movie, look no further than the opening sequence of Superman III. To be fair, it’s a remarkable bit of slapstick cinema, but it’s so out of place in a Superman movie, neglecting to use to classic Superman swoopy blue credits or even John Williams’s stirring Superman march, opting instead to use a completley unmemorable peice of music and credits that look they were made using Windows Movie Maker. American TV execs may be idiots, but even they had the sense to replace the opening with something more in line with the first two and dubbing in a pretty kick ass version of the Superman theme. The strangest thing, and I’ve got no way to prove this, is the odd British-ness of the actors falling over, almost being drowned on dry land and being pied in the face. Metropolis is in America, right? And yet these people look like they’d be more at home in the Rovers’ Return.

6. Superman = Jesus – Superman Returns

There’s always been a bit of a messianic overtone with the Superman story – baby is born who shows extraordinary powers whilst growing up and goes on to save the world. But this has always been in the background, overlooked by kids who love the flying and stuff, but noticed by more astute viewers, giving the story another dimension to enjoy. Superman strikes the balance between fun and subtext prefectly, but, when the time came to make Superman Returns, Bryan Singer decided to beat us over the head with the message, at the expense of a lot of the fun stuff.

5. The Kents are strange – Superman: The Movie

Speaking of the Superman origin story, do the Kent’s actions upon finding young Kal-El strike anyone else as a bit… peculiar? Imagine you were in their place. You’re driving along and something explodes nearby. You stop to investigate and discover a young naked boy who can lift a truck above his head. Any reasonable person would look at this as being a tad weird and would probably drop this devil child off at the nearest police station or hospital. But no, what the Kents do is take this kid home with them and raise him as an All-American boy. With superpowers.

4. Superman rebuilds the Great Wall… with mind bullets! – Superman IV

Superman’s powers: flight, super strength, super speed, x-ray vision, heat vision, super breath, super hearing, super smell and enchanced stamina. I see nothing about telekenis in that list, and yet in Superman IV, following the destruction of the Great Wall of China, the Metropolis Marvel displays a hithero-unseen abilty to move objects with him mind (and a strange blue laser beam thing), rebuilding the Great Wall in a matter of seconds. He later uses this ability to levitate falling people and lower them safely to the ground. The Quest For Peace is undoubtedly one of the worst movies ever made, but the way it messes around with Superman’s powers annoys me greatley. That said, every Superman movie ever made does the same thing, ascribing to Supes powers that his creators never dreamed of. And after reading the next two entries on this list, I think you’ll agree that Superman’s mind over matter in VI is the least of our problems.

3. Clark Kent and the Rohypnol kiss – Superman II and Superman IV

Clark Kent, the All-American farmboy who grew up, moved to the big city and, paragon of virtue that he is, would never say boo to a goose, can a pretty creepy guy. Never more so than at the end of Superman II and again in Superman IV when he kisses Lois Lane with a mouthful of roofie saliva that makes Lois forget everything that has just happened. What I want to know is, does he ever get tempted to misuse this? Does he scour nightclubs and back alleys, picking up women and having his way with them before planting the kiss of forgetfulness on them? Or does he ever put it to good use, smacking supervillains on the lips making them forget their evil plans? It might be a bit wierd, but that would save him a hell of a lot of legwork. Like, for example, at the end of Superman when Luthor tells Big Blue about the missles, why didn’t Superman pucker up and plant one on Luthor, making him forget his entire evil scheme?

2. Turning the world back – Superman

Ok, so we’ve seen Telekenitic Superman and Flunitrazepam Superman, let’s try Time Travel Superman on for size. At the end of the first movie, Superman saves the day and puts wrong to right, but Lois Lane dies in the process. So, Supes flies up into space and flies backward around the world so quickly that the planet spins backward, turning back time, bringing Lois back to life. How this doesn’t case the faultline to reopen, the valley to reflood and how Supes doesn’t meet himself is glossed over and not mentioned. It also makes Superman look like a bit of a douche, that he’s willing to fuck with history in order to bring his chain-smoking, hatchet-faced crush back to life. So, yeah, in addition to ESP and Rohypnol saliva, the Superman of the movies is also capable of turning back time. Again, why does he never use this power again. Lex Luthor is threatening to destroy New York with a lazer but I don’t want to miss the end of Dr. Who, so I’ll just let him go ahead and do it; I can always turn the world back and stop him.

1. The polythene “S” – Superman II

And so it comes to this – the single most idiotic moment in a series full of such moments. The end of Superman II.  After somehow creating holographic versions of himself to fool General Zod and his cohorts – a WTF moment in itself – Superman peels the “S” off of his chest and throws it, fresbee style, at Zod’s retarded henchman, causing it to wrap around him and trap him in a giant red and yellow polythene bag. He falls to the ground and seconds later the bag disintergates and the guy’s ready to attack again. Family Guy put it best: “that was a minor inconveince.” Without doubt, the silliest moment in the entire series and truly deserving of the top place of today’s list. Not only is it idiotic, but insulting to the viewer’s intelligence – and that, even in a comic book movie, is unforgivable since it destroys any sense of verismillitude or suspension of disbelief that the viewer has developed. That said, there’s so much idiocy in Superman II that it’s close to impossible to build up any suspension of disbelief at all. Thank fuck then, for the Richard Donner cut, which cut out 99% of this nonsense and presents us with, shock horror, a pretty good movie.

Superman: The Movie, Superman II: The Richard Donner Cut and Superman Returns are all good movies, but it’s a real shame that only one Superman movie is truly great (the first, of course). The first would be the definitive Superman movie if the studio had allowed Donner to use his original ending – Superman saves the day and the missle thrown into space knocks Zod and co. out of the Phantom Zone and brings them to earth, setting up a cliffhanger for the second movie and also eliminating the stupid time travel and forgetful kisses. The Donner cut of Superman II opens with the original ending of Superman and ends with the Kryptonian villains killing Lois, causing Supes to do his time travel trick, which whilst still annoying, works a lot better than in the original movie. In any case, that’s our top ten worst Superman movie moments. I know I missed the whole “breathing in space” thing from Quest For Peace, and if that bugs you, let me know below. End transmission.

10. Lieutennant Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica

An obvious knock off of Han Solo from the Star Wars trilogy, the ace Viper pilot Lt. Starbuck nonetheless is cool enough to make the list. Played by Dirk “Face from off of The A-Team” Bennedict in the grad tradition of Flash Gordon-esque swashbuckling sci fi heroes, the popularity of Starbuck apparently pissed Richard Hatch off, who felt that his character of Apollo was being sidelined to make room for more episodes starring Bennedict.

9. Captain Jean-Luc Picard from Star Trek: The Next Generation

A bit of a controversial one here since there are those who think that Picard should be in the top spot on this list, but for my money, Picard’s in his rightful place at number nine. A man who would seemingly rather sit in his ready room and hold meetings rather than actually, yanno, *do* something, Picard has nonetheless negotiated his way into saving the universe a couple times and for that he is worthy of inclusion.

8. The T-800 from Terminator 2: Judgement Day

The only character on this list to have been both the baddie and the goodie, Schwarzenegger’s heroic T-800 from T2 has become a pop cultural icon and one of the most parodied characters in cinema history. After fighting on the side of Skynet in the first movie, the Austrian Oak returned, reprogrammed and fighting the good fight in the sequel.

7. Flash Gordon

dumdumdumdumdumdumdum FLASH! Ah-ahhhh! He’ll save every one us! Well, he’s been saving every one of us in books, comics, radio, TV shows, and movies since 1934 and it doesn’t look like he’s planning to stop any time soon. Created by Alex Raymond (one of the most underrated and unappreciated men in comics history) the “saviour of the universe” has been battling the forces of Emperor Ming in every form of media and Freddie Mercury was not using hyperbole when he described Flash as “king of the impossible.”

6. Han Solo from Star Wars

The role that made Harrison Ford a star. Be honest, who hasn’t wanted to be Han Solo at some point in their life? The coolest guy ever to wear a waistcoat and buddies with a death dealing walking carpet, the cocky smuggler Han Solo is undoubtedly the best character in Star Wars. He’s at his best in A New Hope when he’s arrogant, wisecracking and absolutley 100% uninterested in the Rebellion’s cause. His character becomes watered down the more into the rebellion he gets, but he still maintains that smuggler cool, even when he’s being upstaged by Ewoks.

5. Mr. Spock from Star Trek

Flawlessly logical and endlessly cool (in the “as a cucumber” sense of the word) the half Vulcan-half human Mr. Spock was Captain Kirk’s second-in-command and right-hand-man. Acting as a calm and rational counterpoint to the passion and emotion of Kirk and Dr. McCoy, Spock was absolutley invaluable to both the fictional sucess of the Enterprise’s missions and the very real sucess of Star Trek.

4. Luke Skywalker from Star Wars

He was never as cool as Han Solo, but from a heroic standpoint Luke places higher than Han. The son of Darth Vader and brother of Princess Leia, Luke’s journey from simple farmboy to Jedi Knight is – despite what Lucas might say about Vader and/or the droids – the true story being told in the original Star Wars trilogy. The real trick Lucas played with Luke was casting Mark Hamill, an actor capable of going from gormless boy to mature and confident man. Whether he’s destroying the Death Star in ANH, trying to save his friends in TESB or redeeming his father in ROTJ, Luke is the real hero in the Star Wars trilogy.

3. Superman

Some of his powers and adventures might be more fantasy than science fiction, but his origin is pure scifi. The last son of Krypton, sent to earth from his dying home planet as a child in a rocketship built by his scientist father, Superman has saved his adoptive home – not to mention the entire universe – on occasions innumerable. Constantly threatened by evil geniuses, mechanical robots, giant apes and interdimensional tricksters, Superman also has to face some very human problems such as dealing with his boss, his pushy girlfriend and his nerdish friends. Known as the Man of Steel, the Man of Tomorrow and, ocassionaly, the Metropolis Marvel, Superman is not only comic’s greatest hero, but also one of science fiction’s.

2. Captain James T. Kirk from Star Trek

Every so often a character and an actor become so inextricably linked that it’s impossible for any other actor to play the role. Chris Pine learned this the hard way when he tried to essay the role of Jim Kirk in the 2009 Star Trek reboot. Now and forever, Captain Kirk and William Shatner are all but one and the same. Kirk is the classic image of the authoritarian who’s not afraid to play by his own rules when the going gets tough. Captain, of course, of the USS Enterprise, Kirk has saved the galaxy more times than I’ve had hot dinners.

1. The Doctor from Dr. Who

If Captain Kirk is the epitome of a sci fi hero in a uniform, then the Doctor is the ultimate sci fi renegade. The Gallifreyan Time Lord has probably saved the universe more times than anyone, and yet can be a bit of a bastard himself – stealing the TARDIS, almost strangling his companion Peri, frequently losing his temper and being guilty of some shocking wardrobe choices. Played by eleven actors (so far) – Peter Davidson, Matt Smith, Patrick Troughton and Jon Pertwee being some of my favorites – my all time favorite Doctor however is Colin Baker. Sadly Baker was never given much of a chance in the role (Timothy Dalton comes to mind) and the scripts he was given let him down somewhat, but he was brilliant in the role, pitching his performance somewhere between the grumpiness of Hartnel, the quirkiness of Tom Baker and the nice-guy-ness of Davidson. In any case, the character of the Doctor is without question science fiction’s greatest hero and one of its most beloved characters.

Whether we’re being attacked by Ming the Merciless, the Cybermen, the Klingons or Lex Luthor, we can always count one of of these guys to save the day. This list could easily have been a top twenty, so whittling it down to just ten wasn’t easy. Annoyed that I’ve missed out one of your favorites? Let me know your thoughts below. End transmission.

10. The Galactic Confederacy from L. Ron Hubbard’s bullshit made up “religion” Scientology.

Though it’s presented as fact, L. Ron Hubbard’s nonsense about Xenu and the Galactic Confedarcy is just zany enough (even by religion’s standards) to make the list. According to the late Hubbard and his idiot celebrity followers, 75 million years ago the dictator of the Galactic Confederacy brought his people to earth in spacecraft that looked remarkably like DC-8s. He put them near volcanoes and blew them up using H-Bombs, but the spirits of these beings survived and cause spiritual harm to people to this day. Scientologists like to play down this aspect of their “religion” but the fact is that despite what Tom Cruise, Will Smith, John Travolta, Lisa-Marie Presley, Jason Lee, Courtney Love Leah Remini, Billy Sheenan, Kirstie Alley, Peaches Geldof, Issac Hayes, Jenna Elfman, Catherine Bell and Juliette Lewis and countless other idiots might tell you, this is what Scientologists actually believe.

9. The Sontaran Empire from Dr. Who

Ok, from bullshit to real science fiction, we move from Battlefield Earth to a race of grumpy baked potatoes. The Sontarans first appeared in the Jon Pertwee era and were last seen, well, last week menacing Matt Smith’s Doctor. Reproducing through cloning rather than more… conventional means, the Sontarans look remarkably similar and signify rank through coloured outfits. At war with the Rutan Empire for the last 50,000 years, and with a garrison numbering in the billions, the Sontarans may look like potatoes, but they are a force to be reckoned with.

8. The Kree Empire from Marvel Comics

With an empire spanning thousands of worlds, the blue/pink skinned Kree first appeared in a 1967 issue of Fantastic Four. With a population of over 30 billion prior to the detonation of a nega-bomb which killed 98% of the Kree race, the Kree’s greatest hero was Captain Mar-Vell (not to be confused with Captain Marvel, of course) who later became a Skrull (it’s complicated.) Brilliantly, the Kree have come up with a mathematical equation that disproves the existence of any deities which is taught to all Kree children at “the same time we teach them not to soil themselves with excrement.”

7. The Terran Empire from Star Trek

Or; the Anti-Federation. The mirror universe (that place where Spock has a beard) equivalent of the United Federation of Planets, the Terran Empire is much more militaristic and ruthless than its real-universe counterpart. Continually embroiled in warfare with other planets and species and as far removed from the “peace and understanding” attitude of the Federation as its possible to be, the Terran Empire is as aggressive and opportunistic as the Klingon Empire in the real-universe.

6. The Skrull Empire from Marvel Comics

From the planet Skrullos in the Andromeda galaxy come the Skrulls. Created by Lee and Kirby in Fantastic Four #2, the Skrull Empire is made up of a race of greenskinned shapeshifters. A thorn in the side of the Marvel heroes since their inception, the once mighty Skrull Empire has now fallen, which is why, cool as the Skrulls are, they just miss out on the top five.

5. The Romulan Empire from Star Trek

Based – obviously – on the ancient Roman Empire and looking suspiously like Vulcans, the Romulan Empire was first encountered in TOS episode Balance of Power with Mark “Spock’s Dad” Lenard playing the Romulan commander. Ruthless and cunning, the Romulan Empire is larger than the Klingon Empire but smaller than, not to mention surrounded by, the Federation.

4. The Cylon Empire from Battlestar Galactica

Proof that intelligence isn’t nessecarily needed when creating an empire, the profoundly stupid Cylons nonetheless managed to destroy all but a handful of humans and, having done this, found that they had little else to do except hunt down the ones that got away. If there’s no more planets left to conquer and the only way to fill your days is to spend them chasing Ben Cartwright and Face from the A Team across the galaxy then you know you’ve got a hell of an empire.

3. The Dalek Empire from Dr. Who

The infamous arch enemies of the Doctor, the Dalek Empire, controlled by the Emperor Dalek on Skaro, have been the Doctor’s most pressing problem since the menacing pepperpots’ first apperance in 1963. Organisms called Kaleds encased in mechanical tank-like shells, the Daleks will no doubt continue trying to exterminate their way to galactic dominance long after the Doctor has used up all his regenerations.

2. The Klingon Empire from Star Trek

Bound by a strict code of honor, the Klingons are the most famous badguys ever to menace the crew of the good ship Enterprise. Based on the Klingon homeword of Qo’noS, the Klingon Empire was originally a fuedal monarchy with a descendent of the legendary warrior Kahless the Unforgettable as Emperor, however the real power lay with the Chancellor and the Klingon High Council. Once sworn enemies of the Federation, relations have warmed somewhat between the Klingons and the Federation, but the Klingon propensity of violence means that the peace can only last so long.

1. The Galactic Empire from Star Wars

The only empire on this list known only as “The Empire,” the Galactic Empire ruled over by Emperor Palpatine in the Star Wars trilogy is the only choice for the top spot on our list. With the Emperor pulling the strings, Darth Vader acting as a figurehead and brilliant military tactitians like Grand Moff Tarkin doing the dirty work, the Galactic Empire wielded more power than any other empire on today’s list and, despite their eventual defeat by a plucky band of rebels, were probably the most feared. With hundreds of planets across the galaxy under their control, the Galactic Empire were for a time the undoubted rulers of the universe, making them the only empire on the list to achieve it’s goal of galactic domination.

From Dr. Who to the religion of moronic celebrities; from Marvel comics to Battlestar Galactica; and, of course, the brothers Star, the notion of empires in sci fi is one that writers continually turn to when they need strong badguys for their heroes to fight. Since this top ten covered both sci fi and comics and since I’ve been writing a lot about the horror genre of late, I think we’re due something different next, so stay tuned. End transmission.

Oh, one last thing. I’m going into hospital tomorrow for a (reasonably minor) operation, so cross your fingers and toes for me and I’ll check in as soon as I can. End transmission.

10. Lon Chaney, Jr. in The Ghost of Frankenstein (1942)

Lurching out of the lab first comes Lon Chaney, Jr. Son of silent movie legend Lon Chaney, Chaney, Jr. was always destined to be a horror movie actor and after his star-making turn in The Wolf Man he was the obvious choice to fill the (sizeable) boots of Boris Karloff. Playing the part as a silent brute with almcost none of the pathos of Karloff’s performance, the Lonster nonetheless turned in a somewhat memorable performance in what is probably the most fun of the Universal Frankenstein movies.

9. David Prowse in Frankenstein and the Monster From Hell (1974)

The body of Darth Vader and darling of slightly rubbish sci fi and comic conventions, Dave Prowse played the Monster in Horror of Frankenstein, but turns in better performance in Frankenstein and the Monster From Hell, the last of the Hammer Frankenstein movies. Encased in a bulky body suit, this Monster was almost troglodytic in both apperence and demeanor and, despite the low budget makeup and body suit, Prowse does manage to bring some pathos to the doomed creature.

8. Bela Lugosi in Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man (1943)

Remembered by most as one of the worst Frankenstein Monsters in cinema history, I feel that Lugosi has been short changed by time. Yes, he’s far too old and frail looking to play the Monster, but here’s the thing: In the climax of Ghost of Frankenstein, the Monster has the brain of his friend Ygor (Lugosi) implanted into his head but the experiment goes wrong and the Monster goes blind. Ok, so a blind Monster with Bela Lugosi’s brain in his skull. Good stuff. And that’s how Lugosi played the part, speaking in his own voice and groping at the air, his arms held out in front of him. Problem is, all references to the Monster’s blindness were cut, as was all of Lugosi’s dialouge, rendering him ridiculous. Of course, whenever anyone does an impression of the Frankenstein Monster they hold their arms out and grunt, doing Lugosi’s Monster rather than Karloff’s. So I guess, in a round about way, Lugosi got the last laugh after all.

7. Peter Boyle in Young Frankenstein (1974)

Mel Brook’s affectionate – and damn funny – spoof of the Frankenstein movies produced at Universal is one of the all time classic horror movies, and probably my favorite Mel Brooks movie. Peter “Ray’s dad off of Everybody Loves Raymond” Boyle plays the Monster somewhere between Boris Karloff and Fred “Herman Munster” Gwyne. Gene Wilder turns in a typically brilliant performance as Freddy Frankenstein and Terri Garr is almost painfully cute as Inga, but the film is stolen by Marty Feldman’s hunchbacked Eye-Gore and Peter Boyle’s Monster. The scene with Gene Hackman as the blind hermit and the song and dance number with the Monster and Freddy tapdancing their way through “Puttin’ on the Ritz” are worth the price of admission alone.

6. Christopher Lee in The Curse of Frankenstein (1957)

The Hammer Frankenstein series made a radical departure from the Universal series by chosing to follow the adventures of Peter Cushing’s Baron Frankenstein than the adventures of his Monster. The Baron created a new Monster in each film, starting with Christopher Lee in The Curse of Frankenstein. Lee, an actor capable of bringing incredible depth to his performances (when he puts his mind to it, but to be fair, most of the time he just plays Christopher Lee), plays the Monster more like Lon Chaney than Boris Karloff, but there are moments when a spark of humanity shines though and we feel the tragedy of the Monster. The makeup is as far removed from the Universal design as it gets nd it’s testament to the genius of Roy Ashton that it managed to become an icon of Hammer horror. If only Lee had played the Monster more in line with the way he played the Mummy, then his performance would’ve ranked far higher on this list.

5. Freddie Jones in Frankenstein Must Be Destroyed! (1969)

Freddie Jones is perhaps more famous as a director than an actor, which is a shame because he was a great actor occassionally touched by brilliance: his performance, for example, as Bytes in The Elephant Man is one of the standout performances in a film packed with heavyweight thespians. In Frankenstein Must Be Destroyed he plays a sensitive and misunderstood Monster

4. David Warner in Frankenstein (1984)

David Warner’s touching performance as the Monster makes number five on our list. Thoughtful and articulate, the Monster in this version of the story is much closer to Mary Shelley’s intentions; indeed, the Monster is disfigured by a fire in this version, rather than being a mess of stitches and dead flesh. The scene where the childlike Monster meets his creator (Rober Powell looking creepily like a young Peter Cushing) is heartbreaking as the Monster kneels before Frankenstein in adulation, believing him to be God.

3. Glenn Strange in House of Frakenstein (1944)

This is maybe an odd choice for the number three spot on this list, but hear me out. Glenn Strange played the Monster three times: House of Frankenstein (1944), House of Dracula (1945) and the classic comedy Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein (1948) and, sadly, in two of those three movies, he isn’t given much to do, spending most of the movie on his back on a lab table until being brought to life in the final reel for a lurch around the lab. That said, when it came time for Aroura to make their line of classic monster model kits, they based the Frankenstein’s Monster model on Glenn Strange and thus, for a generation of monster kids, Glenn Strange was the face of the Frankenstein Monster. Couple this with the fact that that Glenn Strange was the only actor who managed to look legitametley frightening in the Jack Peirce makeup (with the exception of Karloff in the original) and you have an iconic representation of Frankenstein’s creation.

2. Charles Ogle in Frankenstein (1910)

Speaking of men looking scary, it’s fitting that one of the first even monsters seen on film – Charles Ogle as Frankenstein’s Monster in the first ever Frankenstein movie – is to this day one of the best and scariest monsters ever filmed. Produced by the Edison company, Frankenstein may be the first horror movie ever made and it was considered lost for many years. Genre fans rejoyced, therefore, when a print was found and a DVD was released. Charles Ogle plays the Monster as a twisted and deformed conniver who delights in leering at his creator through the bed curtains (a scene which is still unsettling to this day) and is created in a vat of bubbling chemicals. Some brilliant special effects and a standout performance by Ogle make the Edison Frankenstein not merely a collector’s peice, but a genuine classic.

1. Boris Karloff in Frankenstein (1931)

Iconic is too small a word. One of those rare occasions when character and actor come together as one, Boris Karloff’s performance as the Monster in James Whale’s 1931 Frankenstein is one of the greatest performances in cinema. Able to show an astounding variety of emotions through the gresepaint and collodion, Karloff’s performance works on so many levels. For a start, he looks bloody scary, like a walking corpse, but couple this with the tragedy and pathos and childlike innocence of his performance and it’s easy to see why Karloff, almost eighty years on, remains the definitive Frankenstein Monster. The makeup works so well with Karloff’s face that it’s easy to forget that this wasn’t what Karloff really looked like; the acting shown by the relatively unknown at the time Karloff is astonishing. Easily one of the best performances in the horror genre, and one that, despite being almost totally unlike the creature she had created, Mary Shelley would probably have been proud of.

In the foreword to the second edition of her novel “Frankenstein,” Mary Shelly told her creature to “go forth into the world and multiply.” Even she, however, couldn’t possibly have imagined the impact upon popular culture her creation would have. Say the name “Frankenstein” to almost anyone in the world and they will instantly know what you’re talking about. Give me your thoughts below and check back soon for the next installment in our never ending top ten countdowns. End transmission.

I first heard about Cloverfield whilst sitting with my girlfriend in Pizza Hutt and when I read it described as “a Godzilla style monster movie” I damn near pissed my pants with glee.  The prospect of a giant monster movie featuring a Godzilla-like monster remorselessly destroying New York was enough to make me desperate to see the movie, especially since the last giant monster movie was Peter Jackson’s King Kong which, although good, certainly had it’s share of flaws.

But this looked to be something quite different. Rather than beating us over the head with a “feel sorry for the monster” message, this looked to be something more in line with stuff like the original Godzilla or Beast from Twenty Thousand Fathoms in that it starred an entirley remorseless monster doing what monsters do best – stomp the shit out of cities.

Filmed entirely in that Blair Witch/shaky handheld camcorder style, Cloverfield can be frustrating viewing at times, with thing often happening tantalisingly off-camera; our intrpid cameraman seems to have a knack of swinging round just in time to see something large and pissed off stomp behind a building denying us a really good look at the monster – but for an afficianado of monster movies this style was something of a treat. In these kinds of movies we’re more often than not stuck with naught but square jawed army generals and impossibly handsome scientists for company; the only “normal” people we see are glimpsed fleetingly fleeting in terror or being trampled underfoot. It’s nice, therefore, to see a giant monster movie from the perspective of the average joes, the people stuck at ground zero rather than the people in the ivory tower. 

Speaking of not seeing the monster, when we do get a decent look at the monster (pictured above) it’s a bit of a let down, looking like a cross between a spider and the Rancor from Return of the Jedi.  It’s certainly not going to become an icon as Godzilla and King Kong have become, and pretty much proves the Jaws rule of what you don’t see being scarier than what you do see.

A couple of paragraphs back I mentioned the words ground zero and I chose those words carefully. There was a lot of talk (read: nonsense) at the time Cloverfield was released that certain scenes were remenisent of the attacks on 9/11, and yes, I guess that if you want to look at it that way, then certain moments in the film were similar, but they were equally similar to scenes in Gorgo, Destroy All Monsters, Gamera vs. Barugon or any number of similar movies.

Cloverfield isn’t a movie you can watch over and over. It takes an age to get going, and when it finally does it can be frustrating viewing, but there’s much to enjoy – especially for a fan of the genre. Overall, it’s worth a watch – two, in fact, to see if you pick up all the shit you missed first time around.

10. How the hell did they set this all up?

A simple question, but one that I would like answered. How the hell did the Ewoks and the handful of rebels on Endor set all the Home Alone style booby traps to crush AT-STs and shit. What’s worse is the fact that the Emperor says a legion of his best troops are on the planet and yet they get their asses handed to them by a bunch of teddy bears. Bullshit.

9. Ewoks eat hair?

Another of those “that never occurred to me” moments occurs when the Ewoks have captured Han and co. and are getting ready to cook them up for dinner. They have them tied to spit roasts (wouldn’t the ropes burn?) and they’re lighting fires underneath them so they cook up nice and crispy. But they don’t skin Chewie. Hae you ever smelled burning hair? It’s not pleasant. Smelly factor aside, you wouldn’t put a chicken in the oven with the feathers on.

8. What a drag.

So, yeah, after the Ewoks somehow rig all the traps and shit up, they show how fucking stupid they are by trying to bring down a Chicken Walker by holding a rope and trying to trip it up. Their ingenious plan fails, of course, causing them to be dragged along the ground in a manner most comical. I really hope there was a ton of broken glass and shit on that particular patch of ground.

7. The Ewok method of untying knots hurts.

I’m not sure what exactly the Ewoks were planning to do with Artoo when they tied him up and took him to their wee treehouses, but tie him up they did. Anyway, when Luke uses the Force to make the Ewoks think that Threepio is a god, the Ewoks untie our rebel heroes and make them part of the tribe. Which is all well and good, but the Ewok who hammers Artoo with an axe to cut the rope around him could’ve used a little more care.

6. Ewok masturbates Han.

Let’s be honest, Harrison Ford was on autopilot during ROTJ. It’s clear to anyone with eyes that he’s simply going through the motions and waiting for the next Indiana Jones movie. Now, so far as I’m aware, Ford has never publicly stated his feelings on the Ewok situation, but I’d imagine that, like the rest of us, he’s probably not a fan. Anyway, there’s a wierd moment when Han’s being harrassed by an Ewok and he decided the best course of action is to take the Ewok’s hands and stick them between his legs. I swear to god, that really happens. Dirty bastard.

5. Speeder bike Ewok.

It’s almost as if Lucas and co. got piss drunk and sat around the writer’s table yelling things like “hey, guys, wouldn’t it be funny if an Ewok got on a speeder bike?” No, it wouldn’t be funny, but sadly no one seemed to realise and we’re treated to the oh-so-hilarious sight of an Ewok being dragged along by a racing speeder bike. The speeder bike chase is awesome, with some of the coolest sound effects in the entire Star Wars saga so it’s truly a pity that it was all pissed on by some bastard Ewok.

4. Me Chewie, you Jane.

Chewie swings out on a vine to get to an AT-ST. I can buy that – in fact, it’s actually pretty cool. What’s not cool is the fact that Chewie lets out a Tarzan yell as he does so. This can only mean one thing: Chewie has seen a Tarzan movie at one point. Way to go, George – spend two and a half movies setting up this incredible fictional universe only to piss on it and go “ho ho ho, it’s all just a movie” twenty minutes before the end of the entire saga. Fuck you, Lucas. Fuck you all to hell.

3. Wicket + Artoo 4eva.

This is one of the few Ewok moments, I don’t utterly hate and it’s actually kinda sweet. After the destruction of the Death Star, the rebels hold a big party on Endor and everybody gets all loved up, hugging and kissing like there’s no tomorrow. But does poor old Artoo get neglected? Of course, not – in fact, lead Ewok Wicket W. Warwick seems to have taken a shine to our little metal buddy, even going so far as to plant a little Ewok smackeroo on him. Altogether now: awwww….

2. Grooming Ewok.

After Chewie and a couple Ewoks swing out and into the Chicken Walker, Chewie sets about serving up big slabs of pwnage steak by turning the Empire’s weapon upon them and shooting down some Stormies. This tickles the Wookiee’s funny bone and Chewie and the Ewoks enjoy a good old laugh about it in the cockpit. But there’s one Ewok who’s got better things to do than laugh – he’s noticed some clumps in Chewie’s fur and he’ll be goddamned if he’s not gonna get them out. At least he didn’t get all gorilla on Chewie’s ass and start eating what he pulled out.

1. The only good Ewok…

You know what might be the single most ridiculous moment in the entire Star Wars saga? During the Battle of Endor, a battle which sees the Emperor’s best troops get utterly annhialated by some teddy bears with blunt arrows, only one Ewok dies. One. And it’s a glorious moment, savored by Star Wars fans the world over. Making it even better is the Ewok’s little friend trying to shake it’s dead companion back to life, all the while uttering sounds that sound a lot like “mama.” It just goes to show that the only good Ewok is a dead Ewok.

Know what’s crazy? The word “Ewok” is not said once in ROTJ and yet it is a household word. Pretty much everyone knows what an Ewok is, wether they’re a Star Wars fan or not. The concept of a primitive race pwning a technologically advanced enemy is a good one, but the execution is so poor and the battle so one-sided that the Ewoks are remembered as the single worst thing in the original Trilogy. Agree? Disagree? Don’t give a fuck? Tell me your thoughts below – and may the Force be with you. End transmission.

10. Artoo states the obvious.

There’s a great throwaway moment on Jabba’s sail barge where Threepio bumps into Artoo and knocks a tray of drink off of Artoo’s head. Being the unerringly polite chap that he is, Threepio apologies before realising that it’s his little pal Artoo that he’s bumped into. So, he asked Artoo what he’s up to and after Artoo beeps and whilstles, Threepio says “well, I can see you’re serving drinks” which means Artoo must’ve said something along the lines of “serving drinks, braniac, what’s it look like I’m doing?” I love that smartmouthed little droid.

9. Drunk Chicken Walker.

After a distinct lack of drunken characters in TESB, the traidition of the drunn Jawas in ANH continues with the drunken AT-ST on Endor. Attempting a balancing act on some logs, the Chicken Walker does a great bendy-legged jig in a vain yet valliant attempt to maintain a vertical base. It’s a great bit of stop-motion animation that would’ve made Harryhausen proud.

8. Sad Rancor keeper.

Another life lesson taught to generation after generation courtesy of George Lucas: everyone, no matter how ugly or wierd, has someone who loves them. After Luke battles and defeats the Rancor (for years I though it was prounounced “ransor,” incidentally) by tossing a skull at a control panel causing a huge ass door to drop down, crushing the Rancor to death. After the fight, the Rancor’s keeper rushes in and, upon seeing his dead pet begins blubbering tears of pure, unadultered sorrow. Tragic stuff, that, to be honest, kinda makes Luke look like a bit on an asshole.

7. What did he say?

Here’s the situation: you’ve just blown up the Death Star and saved the galaxy. There’s a nice fat paycheck waiting for you back at base and no doubt foxy mamas from all over the universe will want to have your children. What do you do? Do you: A. laugh and scream like a loon? B. laugh and scream like a maniac? Or C. kinda mumble out some halfassed laughter? Nein Numb chose C. How exactly Lando can understand the mumblings of his co-pilot escapes me, but it’s hilarious watching his supremley understated reaction to the destruction of the Death Star.

6. Lando Calrissian: worst spy ever.

Speaking of Lando, here’s something I never noticed for years even though it’s massivley obvious. A textbook case of missing the forest for the trees, I never noticed Lando’s staggering lack of subtlety when he’s working undercover in Jabba’s palace. Lando, like his buddy Han Solo, has a bit of a reputation as a scoundrel and gambler throughout the galaxy and so he disguises himself as a skiff guard. We all know Lando likes playing dressup ( the end of TESB where he dresses in Han’s clothes, not to mention his cape on Bespin) and he pretty much blends into the background in his skiff guard costume but Lando pisses all over his disguise by pulling his mask completley off his face exposing his identity to anyone who cared to look.

5. Han’s dad.

Ok, so the rebels are on Endor, right? There’s Han, Leia, Chewie, the droids (for no good reason) and a ton of rebel soldiers. The best and the brightest selected for a very dangerous mission. Young men, fit and able to navigate dangerous terrain and take on any threat that rears its head. Or not. Who the fuck thought it was a good idea to bring the old guy along? Seriously, look at the guy, he’s about ten million years old. Who the fuck is he, Han’s dad? John Hammond? Santa Claus? Worse yet, this idiot has the brilliant idea of dressing up as a Scout Trooper so he can blend in. Yeah, great idea gramps… until Chewie bowcasters you all to hell, thinking you’re a legit Imperial troop. Worst of all, I just googled the guy and it turns out his name is “Nik Sant.” Oh, how fucking hilarious.

4. Hotties at Jabba’s place.

Say what you like about Jabba being a vile scumbag, the guy knew a thing or two about window dressing. Considering he lives in a palace surrounded by some of the ugliest dudes this side of Mos Eisley, can you really blame him for keeping a hot chick or two nearby? Until the arrivial of Princess Leia and the gold bikini that turned many a boy into a man, number one amongst Jabba’s harem was the Twi’lek slave girl Oola, a green skinned cutie (thanks, Star Trek) who famously has a bit of a wardrobe malfunction shortly before her death in the Rancor pit. What I wanna know is, did Jabba have a wardrobe full of gold bikinis in all sizes or did he have to have one made for Leia? In fact, on second thoughts, I don’t care one bit.

3. B-Wings: WTF?

Ok, so X-Wings are X shaped, A-Wings are A shaped (kinda), Y-Wings are Y shaped (sorta), so why the heck are B-Wings called B-Wings? T-Wings would maybe be a better name, but the name isn’t the issue here. The issue here is, I want to fly an B-Wing, and I want to fly one now. They have the coolest cockpit design in the entire Trilogy, why, cause it has some sort of gyroscope in it causing the pilot to always remain stationery, even if the ship is flying upside down or doing corkscrews or whatever. Originally the Falcon was intended to have the same sort of cockpit but, for whatever reason it didn’t happen. The problem with B-Wings, however, was the fact that seemingly every B-Wing pilot was an utter pussy since, after they sign in before the Battle of Endor, they don’t seem to take part in the battle at all.

2. Fett dies like a bitch.

Fuck Boba Fett. I will never understand the popularity of Fett, who has a legion of fanboys despite not actually doing much except stand around and fly his ugly ass ship. Anyway, so Fett’s taking an utter age to aim his flame thrower at Luke on Jabba’s sail barge and unbeknownst to him, a blind Han Solo is behind him with a big pole. Chewie warns Han that Fett is behind him and Han utters the immortal line “Boba Fett? Where?” Han turns round, his stick hits Fett in the ass, setting of Fett’s jetpack and sending him flying into the Great Pit of Carkoon. The kicker? The Sarlacc fucking burps after it eats Fett. Yep, the badass bounty hunter gets reduced to a burp joke. Despite a wealth of bullshit extended universe fiction nonsense that claims Fett somehow survived, Lucas has said that what happens in the movies is canon and EU stuff is naught but fanwank. Sorry fanboys, Fett is dead. And he died like a bitch.

1. “It’s a trap!”

Star Wars has become a globabl phenomenon, but one of the few SW moments that has become an Internet meme involves that crazy fish headed military commander Admiral Ackbar yelling three words that have become Internet legend: “it’s a trap!” Ackbar masterminded the attack on Death Star II and called the action, Gorilla Monsoon style, from his floating chair on the rebel baseship. His plan suceedes, of course, and the Death Star is blown up courtesy of Wedge Antilles, Lando Calrissian and Nein Numb, making the universe safe again. Until, of course, the Star Destroyer Executor shows up after the credits gave rolled and deliver teh pwnage and the wreckage of the Death Star rained down on Endor killing everyone on the planet. Despite what may or may not have happened after the Death Star was destroyed, it’s undeniable that Ackbar is a man who knows a trap when he sees one. Or a tarp, or a harp, a carp, a map, a cap, a crap, La Trappe, a frap, Barack, or anything else the fine people at /b/ would care to come up with.

Notice something about this list? Yeah, there’s no Ewoks! The number one bone of contention when it comes to Jedi and they don’t feature on this list? That’s because my much hyped Super Secret Fourth Part of this series is (drumroll please) THE ALL EWOK EDITION! Bet you can’t fucking wait, can you. Anyway, leave me a comment if you have anything to say and stay tuned for the attack of the Ewoks. Be afraid… be very afraid. End transmission.

PS – Just a quick shout out to anyone who sent me a text or message or anything when I was in hospital. You know who you are, and I thank you. The transmission? End it.

10. Nerf Herder.

A quick one to start us off, but could someone please explain to me what a nerf is and how exactly you herd one? It’s quite the insult though, it must be said. Anything that gets a chuckle out of Chewie is a-ok in my book.

9. Airport security.

A wierd one, but funny when you know about it and I guarantee you’ll smile every time you see it from now on. When Vader and the troops arrive on Echo Base Vader walks through an archway that looks a lot like an airport metal detector. As he passes though, he half-stops, turns around and looks back as if some bored security guard asked him to put his keys in the dish and walk back through.

8. Sausages!

Most of the important lessons in life can be learned from Empire Strikes Back: “try not, do or do not – there is no try,” “wars do not make on great,” “size matters not” (an important one, that) and – most importantly of all – if it smells bad on the outside, it smells worse on the inside. Han Solo learns this lesson the hard way when he uses Luke’s lightsaber to slice open a Tautaun and jam’s Luke’s body inside to keep him warm. A useful survival skill if one is lost in an Arctic wilderness and just happens to have a dead Tauntaun to hand. What’s really funny though is the closup we get of tha Tauntaun’s guts falling out of it’s belly since they look a very great deal like sausages. Mmmm, tasty.

7. Smug git.

Ok, so hands up, who fancied Princess Leia as a kid? To be honest, fancying Princess Leia is one of the few things I don’t think geeks ever grow out of, despite “Postcards from the Edge” and the fact that she looks like a Nerf Herder herself nowadays. I don’t think anyone saw the revalation that Luke and Leia were siblings coming back in the day, so every kid wanted to be Luke Skywalker. Sure, Han had the cool ship and the Wookiee pal, but Luke got the girl and that’s the most important thing. Early on in Empire there’s a scene where Leia, to prove she’s not interested in Han, lays one on Luke, tongues and everything. For years I missed out on the best part of the scene thanks to my crappy pan and scan VHS, but when I saw Empire on the big screen for the first time I saw Luke’s reaction to the kiss: a look of smug self-satisfaction that made Han’s eventual conquest of the Ice Princess all the more satisfying. Who’s smiling now, farmboy?

6. Design flaw.

Before I ever saw a Star Wars movie, I saw Star Wars toys. My couisn’s house was full of the classic Kenner toys from back in the day and the coolest of them all was the AT-AT. This thing was about three feet tall (probably not, but I remember it being huge) and just had this aura of awesomess about it that completley blinded me to the design flaw that, thankfully was not lost on Luke and co. during the Battle of Hoth. Why the fuck would the Empire design something so fundamentally flawed as an AT-AT? Unless the terrain is completley flat and completley free from small ships with harpoons and tow cables, the AT-ATs are utterly fucking useless. Tripping them up is unspeakably fun in Star Wars Battlefront though, so I reckon that makes up for it.

5. Scum!

Admiral Piett doesn’t get enough credit. The man has balls of steel and that’s a fact. Stepping into command after Vader Force choked Admiral Ozzell into oblivion, Piett immediatetely made his badassery known to all by loudly announcing to anyone who would listen that bounty hunters were scum. That doesn’t seem too impressive, but consider than Boba Fett, Dengar, IG88 and a ton of other dudes were mere feet away; hell, Bossk was standing right next to him and yet he still, balls of steel glinting in the starlight, calls them all out. What really makes the scene though, and what most people miss, is the prefunctory “yessir” from the lackey he says it to. It’s as if the guy is thinking “fuck, if I agree my ass is toast, but it I say nothing the Admiral’ll have my balls! I’d better come up with the most non-commital response I can muster.”

4. Han finds religion.

A wierd one this. There’s a famous moment when Han’s setting out on his Tauntaun to find Luke where some guys tells him “your Tauntaun’ll freeze before you reach the first marker” and Han, being the cool cat that he is yells, “then I’ll see you in Hell!” Awesome stuff. But let’s look at it closer. Hell? That’s a very-earth specific concept considering the only religion mentioned in the Star Wars movies is the Force. But is the Force a religion? Well, not if the prequel trilogy is to be believed in which is is explained that Forceyness (it’s a word now, fuckers) is a purley biological thing, caused by midichlorians: microscopic organisms that inhabit, in varying numbers, the bodies of all living things. The higher your midichlorian count, the more powerful a Jedi/Sith you are/will become. So whence comes Han’s Hell reference. Let’s look deeper. In ANH, Uncle Owen comments that if Luke’s not back soon “there’ll be Hell to pay” so, obviously there is some concept of Hell in the SW universe. Han, of course, doesn’t believe in the Force (at least not at that point in the story) but I’m an atheist and that doesn’t stop me from saying “for God’s sake” or stuff like that. It’s a very wierd moment that stands out as being one of the few earth-specific references in the Trilogy.

3. Death to holograms!

Kinda like Luke’s reaction to Leia’s planting of a smackeroo on him, I missed this for many years thanks to pan and fucking scan VHS tapes. I actually thought it had been inserted into the Special Editions until I finally saw a widescreen version of the original movie and realised that it was part of the movie all along. So, anyway, when Vader’s fleet are chasing down the Falcon in the asteroid field, there’s a scene where various Imperial types are shooting the shit with Vader via the magic of holographic projection. There’s a cutaway to an asteroid slamming into the bridge of one of the Star Destroyers and when we cut back to the hologram scene we see the guy’s screaming death. What’s really funny is the way that Vader has zero reaction; he doesn’t give a shit. It shows how ruthless Vader is, after all, if that guy was incompetent enough to let the asteroid get near enough to hit his ship then he’s probably a liability anyway.

2. Guess who’s coming to dinner?

So, after escaping the Imperial fleet and dropping in on his old pal Lando Calrissian on Bespin, Han and his friends find that Lando has sold them out to the Empire and that Vader and the troops (and Boba Fett) are already there and waiting for them. Fair enough, but the reason this makes the list is because of something few people notice and something that I never noticed the first few times I watched Empire. When Han and co. walk into the dining room Vader is waiting in, Vader is sitting at the head of a table which is set for dinner – there’s food and utensils and plates and shit on the table. Vader says “we would be honored if you would join us” and then the scene cuts. What I wanna know is, what happened next? Did they all sit down for a nice, if a bit strained, meal? Can’t you just imagine Fett asking Chewie to pass the mashed potatoes?

1. Mark Hamill: rodent.

Pity poor Mark Hamill. Known to generation after generation as Luke Skywalker, the guy was never able to pick up his shit and move on to other projects like Harrison Ford did (granted Harrison Ford had Indy to help his along, but whatever). And that’s a shame, because Mark Hamill is quite the talented actor. Who else, after all, can morph their facial features into those of a rat without the aid of any makeup whatsoever? It’s almost as if Lucas and Irvin Kershner showed Marky Mark pictures of various New York sewer rats and said “when Vader tells you he’s your dad, we want you to make yourself look as much like one of these little buggers as you can.” And, I gotta tell you, he suceeds, looking for all the world like the bastard love child of Basil the Great Mouse Detective and Nosferatu. Can Harrison Ford do that? Shit no. Take THAT, Mr. Fedora Man.

There are those who say that ANH is a better film than Empire. These people are wrong, though from a nostalgic viewpoint I can almost see their point. There are those who think Jedi is a better film. These people are idiots. There are also those who believe that life here began out there, but that’s a different sci fi franchise. Anyway, stay tuned for the top ten unsung moments from Jedi, coming soon to a monitor near you – not to mention my super top secret fourth installment of this series, and no, it has nothing to do with the prequel trilogy. Comments? You know what to do. End transmission.

10. Luke gets cocky!

Before the climactic final attack on the Death Star, the rebel forces gather in a breifing room to go over the mission. Some of the finest pilots in the galaxy including guys like Wedge Antilles and Biggs Darklighter are present (as is, for some reason, Luke Skywalker) and are shocked to hear exactly what the mission will entail: firing a proton torpedo at a target less than two meters across. One of the rebel pilots calls bullshit on the plan and declares it “impossible.” And what does Luke do? Start running his mouth about how he used to “bullseye Womprats” in his T16 Skyhopper back on Tattoine. Excuse me, but I think this guy probably knows a little more about hitting tiny targets whilst flying at incredible speeds and being blasted with enemy fire than you do, farmboy. Shut the hell up and be grateful they’re letting you tag along. Of course, Luke ends up saving the day and destroying the Death Star, but not by being a great pilot; he chooses to instead listen to the voices in his head and let the Force do the firing for him.

9. Wookiees play violent chess!

Wookiees are a funny lot. One one hand they look like Bigfoots (Bigfeet?) and live in peace on a forest planet, but on the other they’re feirce warriors and prone to short temperedness. The most famous of all Wookiees, of course, was Han Solo’s sidekick Chewbacca, a Wookiee who in his spare time enjoyed a relaxing game of chess. Except in the Star Wars universe, chess involves holograms that beat the shit out of each other. Finally meeting his match when playing against Threepio and Artoo, the droids were warned by Han Solo not to beat Chewie since he has a habit of ripping people’s arms off when he loses. Nice.

8. Drunken Jawas!

I never noticed this for the longest time, but when it was pointed out to me I laugh at it every time I watch the movie. As Luke and Obi-Wan are walking into Chalmun’s Cantina in Mos Eisley, check out the three drunk Jawas sitting outside. Now, most Jawas are industrious types, scavenging and seeking out stuff to sell to moisture farmers and the like. Not these guys. No way. They’re probably unemployed and spend their days sitting outside the Cantina, probably rising only to make a half hearted attempt to steal some credits from passing rubes to buy more booze. Utini? Martini, more like.

7. Dance with the Modal Nodes!

So anyway, once you’re past the drunk Jawas and checked your droids at the door, you’re in the Cantina and ready to rock. And rocking is exactly what you’ll be doing as soon as your ears hear the awesome music produced by the greatest band in the known universe, Figrin D’an and the Modal Nodes. A group of seven Bith musicians who play the single greatest song ever written on a seemingly endless loop twenty four hours a day, three hundred and sixty five days a year. You know the one I mean.

6. Racist Leia!

You know for a senator and embassador, Leia could be an pretty insensitive when she felt like it. It never occured to me when I first saw Star Wars, but the fact is Leia’s a racist bitch. Shortly after Luke, Han and Chewie risk life and limb to resuce her from her cell on the Death Star, Leia decided she’s going to lead the way and demands someone “get this walking carpet out of my way.” Poor Chewie. If it wasn’t for him, the bitch would still be rotting in her cell. To be fair, she didn’t have too much of a problem with incest, so why should racism be a problem? I couldn’t find a picture of this moment, and can’t be bothered doing a screengrab, so I’ve provided you with a grab of a different kind, fnarr fnarr…

5. Chewie gets vocal!

Here’s the deal, you copilot the ship directly responsible for clearing Luke’s path so he could destroy the Death Star and a memo goes round saying that those heroes who destroyed the Empire’s greatest threat to galactic peace are going to be awarded with medals for their bravery. Awesome, right? So you brush all the lumps out of your hair and straighten your bandolier and head out with Luke and Han to get your medal. And what do you get? Fuck all, that’s what. Is it any wonder that the last sound we hear in A New Hope is Chewie roaring his ass off, no doubt showing his displeasure at the rampant strain of anti-Wookiee racism going on on Yavin IV.

4. Vader chokes a bitch!

To be fair, this isn’t a blink-and-you’ll-miss it moment, but it is a genius peice of screenwriting that tells you absolutley everything you need to know about Vader in one two minute scene. So Vader and Peter Cushing and a bunch of guys with seventies sideburns are sitting around a table shooting the shit, and one of the sideburn guys decides he’s gonna get a bit snotty with the Dark Lord of the Sith, insulting his religion, his inabilty to flush out the rebels and the size of his penis (made that last bit up). And how does Vader react? Like a goddamn pimp, that’s how. The scene where we realised that: A. Vader’s superpowers are totally legit and totally badass and B. this black suited motherfucker’s playing for keeps, the choking of Admiral Motti is one of the best scenes in the movie.

3. Weave your web of deciet, lie man!

You’ll miss it unless you’re paying attention, but this tiny little moment shows that Lucas had the whole trilogy planned all along. When Luke and Obi-Wan are talking rubbish about nonsense in Obi-Wan’s little shack, the conversation turns to what happened to Luke’s dad and there’s a split second before Obi-Wan answers where he hesitates, his mind rapidly turning over to come up with an answer that isn’t “well, he fell into some lava, went batshit crazy when Natalie Portman died and now wears a badass black suit.” It’s a brilliant bit of acting by Alec Guiness.

2. Han shoots first!

Like Vader vs Motti, this is one of the most famous moments in the trilogy, but unlike Vader vs Motti, this is a scene that future generations will probably never see thanks to Lucas’s incessent tinkering with his movies. Originally, in the version we all saw and fell in love with, Han Solo shot Greedo in cold blood and with zero remorse, making his eventual transformation from cold hearted killer into noble freedom fighter a hundred times more powerful. In Lucas’s new edits, Han waits until Greedo shoots first, then shoots Greedo in self defense. But are you really going to tell me that Greedo missed? From three feet away? Bullshit. What’s worse is the akward CGI “dodge” than Han now does in order to get out of the way of Greedo’s laser blast. It all just looks so painfully contrived and forced. Lucas has said that he originally intended to have Greedo shoot first, but I call bullshit on that, because there’s no reason he couldn’t have shot the scene that way in 1977.

1. Blue milk!

Life on Tatooine must really suck. Nothing for miles but sand, an asshole of an uncle and no-one but droids to talk to. But what aunt Beru serves up at dinnertime must surley makeup for the hours of tedium. Not because she’s a particularly good cook, but because she serves BLUE MILK. Yes, you read that right: blue motherfucking milk. Watching Luke pour himself a glass of blue milk from some sort of space jug made my head spin when I was a kid – what the fuck kind of creature did this milk come from? What did it taste like? How could I get some? The droids and spaceships were cool, but it was the blue milk that made me believe.

The Star Wars movies are rich in this kind of stuff and, to be honest, this could easily be a top fifty, but I’ve tried to limit myself. Watch this space (heh) for the top ten unsung moments from Empire and Jedi (and a special surprise forth installment!) which will be coming in the next week or so, but until then lemmie know your favorite moments from A New Hope in the comments section below. End transmission.