10. Ghostface from Scream (1996)

One of the most recognised characters in recent horror history, the Edvard Munch inspired killer from the Scream movies would’ve placed way higher on this list if not for one thing: lazy people. Go to any Haloween party anywhere in the world and you’ll see at least nineteen thousand lazy assholes who bought a 5.99 Scream costume and a rubber knife. It’s been done to death and I’m sick of seeing it. If at any point in your life you’ve gone to a Haloween party dressed as Ghostface, then begone from this site and never darken my door again.

9. The Robot Gunslinger from WestWorld (1973)

Ok, this might be a wierd choice, but hear me out. A silent, black clad, sinister figure with inhuman strength and resiliance who has a single minded determination to kill and no matter how many times you think you’ve killed him he keeps on coming back to get you. Is that Michael Myers or the Robot Gunslinger? I rest my case. Yul Brynner’s brilliantly sinister send up of his heroic man in black from The Magnificent Seven, the Robot Gunslinger from WestWorld is a proto-slasher villain. As is…

8. The Xenomorph from Alien (1979)

Again, supernaturally strong and resiliant, black in colour, fucking terrifying and determinded to get the kill; a silent killer stalking the crew of the Nostromo down spooky corridors. Like the best slasher villains, the Alien eventually kills all but one of the crew – in classic slasher style, a resiliant young woman – before eventually being outwitted and killed.

7. Santa Claus from Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)

Santa Claus, that jolly old elf who brings love and joy at Christmastime seems like an odd choice for a slasher villain, but that’s the point. Kinda like how the Joker (except in The Dark Knight) doesn’t seem scary at first, Santa Claus is a character that kids and adults instinctivley trust. Santa would never do anything bad, right? Wrong. In the US, there was public outcry when this film was released, with people picketing in the streets, complaining that the movie ruined Santa’s “good name.” Proof positive, ladies and gentlemen, that some people have way to much time on their hands.

6. Chucky from Child’s Play (1988)

Exploiting the same kind of dictomtomy that Silent Night, Deadly Night used (with a liberal dose of that Twilight Zone episode with the talking doll thrown in too) the evil doll from the Child’s Play series just misses out on a stop in the top five. Voiced by the emminently creepy Brad Dourif, Chucky has appeared in five movies as well as, bizarrley, a WCW pay-per-view. Played reasonably straight in the original, Chucky has, like Freddy Krueger, become more and more of a clown as the series progressed, with his last two outings in particular being played more for laughs than scares.

5. Leatherface from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)

Whilst many slasher movie badguys are blamed for inspiring real-life violence, only a handful have themselves been inspired by real-life events. One such fictional killer is Leatherface from the Texas Chainsaw series. Like, Chucky, later movies in the series were more comedy than horror, so let’s concertrate on the original movie in which Leatherface is less a human killer and more an elemental force of nature, bursting, chainsaw screaming, from doorways and hiding places, killing with an inhuman rage. Inspired by the killer Ed Gein (more on him later), Leatherface was played by Gunnar Hansen in the original Tobe Hooper classic. The remake, though not as good as the original, is still worth a watch, if only for Jessica Biel in a tight t shirt.

4. Jason Voorhees from Friday the 13th (1980)

Slasher villains seem to fall into two camps: the flamboyant wisecrackers like Freddy and Chucky and the silent but deadly types like Michael Myers and, of course, Jason Voorhees. Jason’s hockeymasked visage (the first two movies notwithstanding) is one of the most famous images of modern horror and it’s testament to the popularity of the character that he was chosen to face off against Fred Krueger in Freddy vs. Jason (which could easily have been Freddy vs. Michael). A lot of people tend not to give Jason a fair swing of the machette, probably due to memories of watching one of the pretty dire later sequels, but the original movie, and the second and third sequels (that’s parts 3 and 4 for those not paying attention) are well worth another look, especially if you’ve not seen them in a while.

3. Norman Bates from Psycho (1960)

The grandaddy – or, more accuratley, the grandmother – of them all. Every deranged wierdo who ever grabbed something sharp and slaughtered some hotties in the woods owed his very existence to Norman Bates. Or, to give the devil his due, to Ed Gein, who provided the inspiration for young Master Bates (couldn’t resist). A killer from the backwoods of Wisconisin, Gein’s catalouge of atrocities included using human bones and skin to make furniture, keeping a collection of female naughty bits (including his mother’s painted silver) in a shoebox under his bed and, most disturbingly, dancing in the moonlight wearing a suit made out of the skin of his victims. Norman Bates never went quite that far, but, for better or worse, he still gave birth to the slasher genre.

2. Michael Myers from Halloween (1978)

Probably the first slasher villain of modern horror, John Carpenter’s silent, deadly and seemingly immortal creation Michael Myers has made the 31st of October a pain in the arse for the resisdents of Haddonfield since 1978. Originally known as “The Shape” Myers immediatley became a sensation and an icon of horror, wisely being kept mostly in the shadows or around the edge of the frame in the original to build up his mystique, but even the overexposure of the later films (not to mention the travesty that was the Rob Zombie remake) cannot tarnish his reputation as silent killer per excellence.

1. Freddy Krueger from A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

“Welcome to prime time, bitch!” When Wes Craven cast Robert Englund as the villain in A Nightmare on Elm Street, the horror gods smiled and the planets alligned and history was made. Not since the days of Karloff and Lugosi had a horror actor meshed so perfectly with the character he played and, until the end of time, one would not be the same without the other. This fact was borne out by the recent remake which saw Jackie Earle Haley fail to achieve the sort of instant iconic-ness that Englund achieved so effortlessly. Starting life as a more-or-less serious killer, the Nightmare on Elm Street franchise saw the evolution of Freddy from evil bastard to evil-but-damn-funny bastard as he cracked wise and quipped his way through the teens of Elm Street. Whether you prefer serious Freddy or funny Freddy, you always have to remember one thing: whatever you do, don’t fall asleep…

Slasher movies tend to polarise horror fans. As I mentioned in the intro, I was a classic horror snob for many years and refused to even give slasher movies the time of day, but when I finally got off my high horse I realised that there’s not only some really good filmmaking on display (well, sometimes) but also a lot of fun to be had. If you’re like I once was, check out a few of the more well known titles like the original Nightmare or Halloween, or if you’re the exact opposite and you love modern horror but aren’t so keen on the classics, Psycho is probably a good place to start. Either way, gimmie your thoughts in the comments and stick around for our next list. End transmission.

10. BEYOND THE MAT (1999)/WRESTLING WITH SHADOWS (1998)

Coming out of the blocks first on today’s list is a head-to-head tie of two wrestling documentaries. Beyond the Mat is perhaps the better known of the two films and is one of those rare documentaries that can engage people who are not fans of the subject in hand. Wrestling With Shadows, on the other hand, is somewhat more specialised, following the last few months of Bret “Hitman” Hart’s tenure in the WWE (then called the WWF). For my money, Wrestling With Shadows is the better film, but they both deserve a place.

9. WHEN WE WERE KINGS (1996)

The last documentary on our list, When We Were Kings follows Muhammed Ali and George Foreman as they prepare for their classic “Rumble in the Jungle.” The documentary is a bit biased towards Ali, as was everyone in the country in which the fight was being held due to Ali’s manipulation of his image (setting himself up as a man “returning to his homehand” and immersing himself in African culture, unlike the quiet and aloof Foreman), but it remains a fascinating look at a historic bout.

8. THE HUSTLER (1961)

This list might be a bit biased towards the sports I enjoy watching. In fact, there’s no two ways about it considering that we’ve so far had two movies about wrestling, one about boxing and now one about that most manly of manly persuits, playing pool. An classic beyong dispute with Paul Newman as “Fast” Eddie, a poolshark who takes on Jackie Gleason’s Minnesota Fats. Taking place in brilliantly smoky pool halls and seedy bars, The Hustler was revisited in Martin Scorsese’s The Colour of Money in which Paul Newman reprised his role as “Fast” Eddie.

7. ROCKY IV (1985)

Moving from realistic movies and documentaries to the realm of sports fantasy, we find the first of four movies starring Sylvester Stallone on the list. After winning the world title from Apollo Creed and then losing it (only to win it back) from Clubber Lang, Rocky Balboa, the street bum made good, takes it upon himself to end the Cold War by fighting the evil Russian git Ivan Drago. Is it a masterpeice of cinema? No. Is it subtle? Like a brick. Is it rabble rousing nonsense of the highest order. Hell yeah. And that’s why it’s awesome.

6. CADDYSHACK (1980)

Take one part Chevy Chase in his prime, one part Bill Murray playing a dangerous lunatic and one part Rodney Dangerfield being Rodney Dangerfield, mix well with a comedy gopher and add a pool scene in which a Mars bar is mistaken for a turd and what do you have? The best movie ever made about the usually tame and frankly boring game of golf. The antics of the Animal House crew transplanted to an upmarket golf club, Caddyshack is one of the all time greatest comedy movies. Bill Murray plays against type as a borderline retard and Chevy Chase plays Fletch with a four iron and a strange muppet gopher causes chaos. It sounds strange on paper, but on celluloid it was brilliant.

5. ROCKY BALBOA (2006)

Two Stallone movies down and two to go. It’s interestting to note that public opinion character of Rocky in the first and last films mirrors the public perception of Stallone at the time the film was made. When Rocky came out in 1976, Stallone and Rocky were no-hopers both – Rocky would never go the distance with Creed and Stallone would never become an actor. Flashforward to 2006 and both Rocky and Sly are has-beens destined to while away their days in obscurity. Both times, they proved everybody wrong. In ’76 Rocky held his own against Creed and Stallone became one of the biggest stars of all time; in 2006 Rocky went the distance with Dixon and Stallone became a bankable star again. Replacing the jingoism and unintentional self parody of Rockies IV and V with the heart and hopefulness of the original film, Rocky Balboa the movie, like Rocky Balboa the man is full of heart and impossible to resist.

4. ESCAPE TO VICTORY (1981)

Football. That inexplicably popular game loved by millions and hated by me. Well, that’s a bit harsh. I love the World Cup, but league football? I’ve got no time for it. Now, Escape to Victory is not a film that the critics love, quite the opposite in fact: Barry Norman called it “rubbish.” But what do those guys know? The story of a football match set up as a propganda excersise by the Nazis between the German national team and a ragtag group of multi-national POWs, Escape to Victory is one of those films that gets the blood flowing and the fist pumping. Stallone (him again?) is top billed as the goalie, but it’s Michael Caine’s movie as the team captain who leads a team of actors and real football players to… I won’t spoil the ending. Max Von Sydow turns in a surprisingly sympatheic performance as a Nazi officer and former Sherlock Holmeses Clive Merrison and Tim Piggot-Smith as well as a dubbed Anton Diffring round out the cast. Oh, and watch out for Pele’s awesome goal in the final minutes.

3. THE WRESTLER (2008)

“You’ve seen me, I come and stand at every door; you’ve seen me, I always leave with less than what I had before; you’ve seen me, but I can make you smile when the blood hits the floor – tell me friend, can you ask for anything more?” Bruce Springsteen’s song for The Wrestler sums up the film better than I ever could. The story of Randy “The Ram” Robinson, an ageing wrestler (based loosely, it seems, on Jake “The Snake” Robers) struggling to find his place in a world that has forgotten him. Ekeing out a living on the independent circuit for twenty bucks a night, all Randy wants is one last run; one final moment of glory. His only friend is an equally past her best stripper and he is estranged from his daughter, Randy concinves a promoter to set up one final match against his old nemesis. The ending is simultaneously ambiguous and heartbreaking. After years of ridicule and abuse, The Wrestler brought a modicum of respect to the professional wrestling business. And for that if nothing else, I will always love it.

2. RAGING BULL (1980)

The only movie on this list that isn’t really “about” the sport it depicts, Raging Bull is less about the sportsman and more about the man. A biopic based on the (ghostwritten) memoirs of “The Bronx Bull” Jake La Motta, the film starts with La Motta in his prime, winning the world title and then depicting his slow descent into oblivion. Famously putting on a massive amount of weight to transform himself from the slim and hard-bodied young prizefighter to the bloated and corpulent figure La Motta became, Robert DeNiro turns in a remarkable performance, backed up by Joe Peschi, Frank Vincent and the remarkable Cathy Moriarty as La Motta’s wife Vickie. DiNero, an actor never less than charasmatic, makes La Motta – a wife beating, cheating, fight throwing asshole – seem sympathic and at times likeable. Martin Scorsese’s assured direction and the editing of Thelma Schoonmaker make Raging Bull a classic and fully deserving of the plaudits that it has earned.

1. ROCKY (1976)

Say what you like about the man, but Sylvester Stallone knows how to make a good sports movie. Beating Taxi Driver at the 1976 Oscars, Rocky is, quite simply a perfect movie. There are certain films that I can watch over and over and never get bored of them – The Adventures of Robin Hood, Casblanca, The Empire Strikes Back, The Spy Who Loved Me, Star Trek II - but top of this list is Rocky. The story of a bum from Philly who’s “whole life was a million to one shot” who is given a shot at the champ Apollo Creed. Rocky and his trainer Mickey – career best from Burgess “The Penguin” Meredith – train their way through the most famous montage in the history of cinema (ending, of course, with a triumphant sprint up the steps of the Phillidelphia Art Museum) and Rocky, a man who knows he can’t win the fight – goes the distance with Apollo and lasts all 15 rounds. Along the way, he finds love with the mousy sister of his best friend and walks away from the fight the loser, but not *a* loser. I’m convinced that it’s not physically possible to watch Rocky and not root for the Itallian Stallion. At the end of the movie, as Rocky stands in the ring crying out for the woman he loves, many a manly tear has been shed, not only by me, but by anyone with even an ounce of heart – something both Rocky and this film have in abundance.

Like I said in the intro, I’m not much of a sports fan, which explains the amount of boxing and wrestling movies on this list, but my site = my list = my picks. Annoyed about the lack of Kevin Costner baseball films? let me know your picks below. But that’s all for now, sports fans, join us next time for either the top ten movies everybody except me loved or the top ten movies with single word titles – I can’t decide which one to do first. End transmission.

10. The Monster Squad

Any kid who grew up loving monster movies saw and loved this movie. A group of kids teaming up with Frankenstein’s Monster and Van Helsing to take out Dracula, the Mummy, the Wolf Man and the Creature from the Black Lagoon? Yes, please. A sequel, of course, could’ve brought the Count back with a bunch of new monsters for round two, but sadly our monster kid prayers were never answered.

9. Enter the Dragon

Bruce Lee could’ve been the Asian James Bond had Enter the Dragon been sequelled and made into a series. Unfortunatley, the little issue of Bruce’s death got in the way and what could have been an awesome film series was never to be. Enter the Dragon plays a lot like a Bond movie – the villain even has a Persian Cat – and it’s easy to imagine a series of four or five movies starring Lee being sent to take down various chop socky badguys.

8. The Rocketeer

The Rocketeer is a great characte and a great comic but a pretty forgetable movie made the character pretty much unknown amongst casual movie fans these days. Given the chance to develop with another movie or two, the Rocketeer could easily be as well known today as Indiana Jones or James Bond.  A series about a guy with a jetpack vs all manner of nefearious Nazis and Commies – sounds good to me.

7. Cloverfield

I still hold out hope for a Cloverfield sequel.  The way I see it is we either continue the story or we see the first movie from another angle, be it another group of people with a camera or in a more traditional monster movie style, but either way, I want to see more. The cool thing with Cloverfield was that we, as monster movie fans, know the granite jawed generals ad bespectacled scientists were hard at work somewhere, but we never saw them. A sequel (or, more acurately, an “equal”) told in a more conventional manner would be cool to see.

6. Dracula

The 1979 version starring the great Frank Langella here, I for one would love to see the continuation of the story. The film strongly hints that Dracula perhaps survives the film but, sadly, Langella wasn’t interested – he had played Dracula for years on Broadway before appearing in the movie and he felt it was time to move on. A shame, but not an insurmountble obstacle since Langella was suceeded in the role on stage by none other than Jeremy Brett. Jeremy Brett as Dracula in an unashamedly lavish and romantic sequel to an unashamedly lavish and romantic original? If only.

5. The Shadow

Like Dracula, the ending of The Shadow strongly hints at a sequel, but alas it was never to be. The Shadow is one of my favorite comic book characters so it’s perhaps selfishness on my part to wish there had been at least one sequel, but still, it would’ve been great to see Alec Baldwin back as the living shadow. With a history dating back to 1930, story ideas were hardly thin on the ground, but the film wasn’t the runaway sucess the studio hoped it would be, so any and all sequels were nixed. A real shame – and maybe they could’ve even fixed the makeup and made it less goofy.

4. Conan the Destroyer

To be fair, a new Conan movie is coming out next year, but Oliver Stone and John Millius’ original plan of doing a Conan movie every two years or so and making it an ongoing series a-la 007 sadly never came to fruition. The idea was to bring the Governator back and use a new Robert Howard inspired plot each time, but the failure of Conan the Destroyer to set the box office on fire killed that idea deader than one of Conan’s enemies. There was talk of a new Conan movie with Triple H a while ago, but nothing came of it and, best of all, there were rumours of a movie starring Arnie as King Conan flew around but, sadly, it never happened.

3. On Her Majesty’s Secret Service

Diamonds Are Forever doesn’t count. What I would loved to have seen is a continuation of the story laid out in OHMSS, starring George Lazenby, and showing Bond trying to deal with the death of Tracy, messing up a mission and being fired by M and then setting out, License to Kill-style, to find and kill Blofeld. Bond in DAF doesn’t seem to give a toss that Blofeld killed his wife, trading barbs with the guy like they’re old sparring partners.

2. Army of Darkness

Regardless of wether we’re talking about the original S-Mart ending or the “I slept too long” ending, Army of Darkness is wide open for a sequel. Ash in the present day wiping out Deadites? Yes, please. Ash in post-apocolyptic England wiping out Deadites? Yes, please. Either way, I’m a happy guy. Or not, as the case may be, since a sequel was never made. With a budget of $11 million and a domestic gross of $11.5 million it’s no surprise that a sequel was never forthcoming, but a guy can dream, right? The real question, of course, is wether it would be called Evil Dead 3 or Army of Darkness 2…

1. Return of the Jedi

You’d think I’d have learned my lesson after the prequel trilogy, but I can’t help but wish Lucas would lure Harrison Ford back into the old waistcoat and convince Mark Hamill to wield a lightsaber three more times and give us episodes VII, VIII and IX. Timothy Zahn already wrote a sequel trilogy, so the stories are there, and it’s not as through Lucas doesn’t have the money, so what’s the hold up? I sat through Indiana Jones 4, so the way I see it is Lucas and Ford *owe* me at least one more Star Wars movie. But please, no Ewoks or Gungans this time, I’m begging you.

Admittedly, if sequels to these movies had been made, there’s every chance they would’ve sucked, but still, it’s fun to imagine what might have been. In any case, gimmie your thoughts below. Something about comics next, I promise. No, really! End transmission.