10. Lieutennant Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica

An obvious knock off of Han Solo from the Star Wars trilogy, the ace Viper pilot Lt. Starbuck nonetheless is cool enough to make the list. Played by Dirk “Face from off of The A-Team” Bennedict in the grad tradition of Flash Gordon-esque swashbuckling sci fi heroes, the popularity of Starbuck apparently pissed Richard Hatch off, who felt that his character of Apollo was being sidelined to make room for more episodes starring Bennedict.

9. Captain Jean-Luc Picard from Star Trek: The Next Generation

A bit of a controversial one here since there are those who think that Picard should be in the top spot on this list, but for my money, Picard’s in his rightful place at number nine. A man who would seemingly rather sit in his ready room and hold meetings rather than actually, yanno, *do* something, Picard has nonetheless negotiated his way into saving the universe a couple times and for that he is worthy of inclusion.

8. The T-800 from Terminator 2: Judgement Day

The only character on this list to have been both the baddie and the goodie, Schwarzenegger’s heroic T-800 from T2 has become a pop cultural icon and one of the most parodied characters in cinema history. After fighting on the side of Skynet in the first movie, the Austrian Oak returned, reprogrammed and fighting the good fight in the sequel.

7. Flash Gordon

dumdumdumdumdumdumdum FLASH! Ah-ahhhh! He’ll save every one us! Well, he’s been saving every one of us in books, comics, radio, TV shows, and movies since 1934 and it doesn’t look like he’s planning to stop any time soon. Created by Alex Raymond (one of the most underrated and unappreciated men in comics history) the “saviour of the universe” has been battling the forces of Emperor Ming in every form of media and Freddie Mercury was not using hyperbole when he described Flash as “king of the impossible.”

6. Han Solo from Star Wars

The role that made Harrison Ford a star. Be honest, who hasn’t wanted to be Han Solo at some point in their life? The coolest guy ever to wear a waistcoat and buddies with a death dealing walking carpet, the cocky smuggler Han Solo is undoubtedly the best character in Star Wars. He’s at his best in A New Hope when he’s arrogant, wisecracking and absolutley 100% uninterested in the Rebellion’s cause. His character becomes watered down the more into the rebellion he gets, but he still maintains that smuggler cool, even when he’s being upstaged by Ewoks.

5. Mr. Spock from Star Trek

Flawlessly logical and endlessly cool (in the “as a cucumber” sense of the word) the half Vulcan-half human Mr. Spock was Captain Kirk’s second-in-command and right-hand-man. Acting as a calm and rational counterpoint to the passion and emotion of Kirk and Dr. McCoy, Spock was absolutley invaluable to both the fictional sucess of the Enterprise’s missions and the very real sucess of Star Trek.

4. Luke Skywalker from Star Wars

He was never as cool as Han Solo, but from a heroic standpoint Luke places higher than Han. The son of Darth Vader and brother of Princess Leia, Luke’s journey from simple farmboy to Jedi Knight is – despite what Lucas might say about Vader and/or the droids – the true story being told in the original Star Wars trilogy. The real trick Lucas played with Luke was casting Mark Hamill, an actor capable of going from gormless boy to mature and confident man. Whether he’s destroying the Death Star in ANH, trying to save his friends in TESB or redeeming his father in ROTJ, Luke is the real hero in the Star Wars trilogy.

3. Superman

Some of his powers and adventures might be more fantasy than science fiction, but his origin is pure scifi. The last son of Krypton, sent to earth from his dying home planet as a child in a rocketship built by his scientist father, Superman has saved his adoptive home – not to mention the entire universe – on occasions innumerable. Constantly threatened by evil geniuses, mechanical robots, giant apes and interdimensional tricksters, Superman also has to face some very human problems such as dealing with his boss, his pushy girlfriend and his nerdish friends. Known as the Man of Steel, the Man of Tomorrow and, ocassionaly, the Metropolis Marvel, Superman is not only comic’s greatest hero, but also one of science fiction’s.

2. Captain James T. Kirk from Star Trek

Every so often a character and an actor become so inextricably linked that it’s impossible for any other actor to play the role. Chris Pine learned this the hard way when he tried to essay the role of Jim Kirk in the 2009 Star Trek reboot. Now and forever, Captain Kirk and William Shatner are all but one and the same. Kirk is the classic image of the authoritarian who’s not afraid to play by his own rules when the going gets tough. Captain, of course, of the USS Enterprise, Kirk has saved the galaxy more times than I’ve had hot dinners.

1. The Doctor from Dr. Who

If Captain Kirk is the epitome of a sci fi hero in a uniform, then the Doctor is the ultimate sci fi renegade. The Gallifreyan Time Lord has probably saved the universe more times than anyone, and yet can be a bit of a bastard himself – stealing the TARDIS, almost strangling his companion Peri, frequently losing his temper and being guilty of some shocking wardrobe choices. Played by eleven actors (so far) – Peter Davidson, Matt Smith, Patrick Troughton and Jon Pertwee being some of my favorites – my all time favorite Doctor however is Colin Baker. Sadly Baker was never given much of a chance in the role (Timothy Dalton comes to mind) and the scripts he was given let him down somewhat, but he was brilliant in the role, pitching his performance somewhere between the grumpiness of Hartnel, the quirkiness of Tom Baker and the nice-guy-ness of Davidson. In any case, the character of the Doctor is without question science fiction’s greatest hero and one of its most beloved characters.

Whether we’re being attacked by Ming the Merciless, the Cybermen, the Klingons or Lex Luthor, we can always count one of of these guys to save the day. This list could easily have been a top twenty, so whittling it down to just ten wasn’t easy. Annoyed that I’ve missed out one of your favorites? Let me know your thoughts below. End transmission.

10. The Galactic Confederacy from L. Ron Hubbard’s bullshit made up “religion” Scientology.

Though it’s presented as fact, L. Ron Hubbard’s nonsense about Xenu and the Galactic Confedarcy is just zany enough (even by religion’s standards) to make the list. According to the late Hubbard and his idiot celebrity followers, 75 million years ago the dictator of the Galactic Confederacy brought his people to earth in spacecraft that looked remarkably like DC-8s. He put them near volcanoes and blew them up using H-Bombs, but the spirits of these beings survived and cause spiritual harm to people to this day. Scientologists like to play down this aspect of their “religion” but the fact is that despite what Tom Cruise, Will Smith, John Travolta, Lisa-Marie Presley, Jason Lee, Courtney Love Leah Remini, Billy Sheenan, Kirstie Alley, Peaches Geldof, Issac Hayes, Jenna Elfman, Catherine Bell and Juliette Lewis and countless other idiots might tell you, this is what Scientologists actually believe.

9. The Sontaran Empire from Dr. Who

Ok, from bullshit to real science fiction, we move from Battlefield Earth to a race of grumpy baked potatoes. The Sontarans first appeared in the Jon Pertwee era and were last seen, well, last week menacing Matt Smith’s Doctor. Reproducing through cloning rather than more… conventional means, the Sontarans look remarkably similar and signify rank through coloured outfits. At war with the Rutan Empire for the last 50,000 years, and with a garrison numbering in the billions, the Sontarans may look like potatoes, but they are a force to be reckoned with.

8. The Kree Empire from Marvel Comics

With an empire spanning thousands of worlds, the blue/pink skinned Kree first appeared in a 1967 issue of Fantastic Four. With a population of over 30 billion prior to the detonation of a nega-bomb which killed 98% of the Kree race, the Kree’s greatest hero was Captain Mar-Vell (not to be confused with Captain Marvel, of course) who later became a Skrull (it’s complicated.) Brilliantly, the Kree have come up with a mathematical equation that disproves the existence of any deities which is taught to all Kree children at “the same time we teach them not to soil themselves with excrement.”

7. The Terran Empire from Star Trek

Or; the Anti-Federation. The mirror universe (that place where Spock has a beard) equivalent of the United Federation of Planets, the Terran Empire is much more militaristic and ruthless than its real-universe counterpart. Continually embroiled in warfare with other planets and species and as far removed from the “peace and understanding” attitude of the Federation as its possible to be, the Terran Empire is as aggressive and opportunistic as the Klingon Empire in the real-universe.

6. The Skrull Empire from Marvel Comics

From the planet Skrullos in the Andromeda galaxy come the Skrulls. Created by Lee and Kirby in Fantastic Four #2, the Skrull Empire is made up of a race of greenskinned shapeshifters. A thorn in the side of the Marvel heroes since their inception, the once mighty Skrull Empire has now fallen, which is why, cool as the Skrulls are, they just miss out on the top five.

5. The Romulan Empire from Star Trek

Based – obviously – on the ancient Roman Empire and looking suspiously like Vulcans, the Romulan Empire was first encountered in TOS episode Balance of Power with Mark “Spock’s Dad” Lenard playing the Romulan commander. Ruthless and cunning, the Romulan Empire is larger than the Klingon Empire but smaller than, not to mention surrounded by, the Federation.

4. The Cylon Empire from Battlestar Galactica

Proof that intelligence isn’t nessecarily needed when creating an empire, the profoundly stupid Cylons nonetheless managed to destroy all but a handful of humans and, having done this, found that they had little else to do except hunt down the ones that got away. If there’s no more planets left to conquer and the only way to fill your days is to spend them chasing Ben Cartwright and Face from the A Team across the galaxy then you know you’ve got a hell of an empire.

3. The Dalek Empire from Dr. Who

The infamous arch enemies of the Doctor, the Dalek Empire, controlled by the Emperor Dalek on Skaro, have been the Doctor’s most pressing problem since the menacing pepperpots’ first apperance in 1963. Organisms called Kaleds encased in mechanical tank-like shells, the Daleks will no doubt continue trying to exterminate their way to galactic dominance long after the Doctor has used up all his regenerations.

2. The Klingon Empire from Star Trek

Bound by a strict code of honor, the Klingons are the most famous badguys ever to menace the crew of the good ship Enterprise. Based on the Klingon homeword of Qo’noS, the Klingon Empire was originally a fuedal monarchy with a descendent of the legendary warrior Kahless the Unforgettable as Emperor, however the real power lay with the Chancellor and the Klingon High Council. Once sworn enemies of the Federation, relations have warmed somewhat between the Klingons and the Federation, but the Klingon propensity of violence means that the peace can only last so long.

1. The Galactic Empire from Star Wars

The only empire on this list known only as “The Empire,” the Galactic Empire ruled over by Emperor Palpatine in the Star Wars trilogy is the only choice for the top spot on our list. With the Emperor pulling the strings, Darth Vader acting as a figurehead and brilliant military tactitians like Grand Moff Tarkin doing the dirty work, the Galactic Empire wielded more power than any other empire on today’s list and, despite their eventual defeat by a plucky band of rebels, were probably the most feared. With hundreds of planets across the galaxy under their control, the Galactic Empire were for a time the undoubted rulers of the universe, making them the only empire on the list to achieve it’s goal of galactic domination.

From Dr. Who to the religion of moronic celebrities; from Marvel comics to Battlestar Galactica; and, of course, the brothers Star, the notion of empires in sci fi is one that writers continually turn to when they need strong badguys for their heroes to fight. Since this top ten covered both sci fi and comics and since I’ve been writing a lot about the horror genre of late, I think we’re due something different next, so stay tuned. End transmission.

Oh, one last thing. I’m going into hospital tomorrow for a (reasonably minor) operation, so cross your fingers and toes for me and I’ll check in as soon as I can. End transmission.

10. CUTHROAT ISLAND (1995)

Ok, so the film was terrible and killed pirate movies for years until Pirates of the Caribbean, but the poster is brilliantly swashbuckling in the classic Errol Flynn/Douglas Fairbanks tradition. Promising high adventure on the high seas that the film sadly didn’t deliver, this is a case of the poster being better than the film itself.

9. THE NORSEMAN (1978)

Struzan’s artwork for The Norseman is ten times better than the film it’s advertising, but when the poster art is this good, does it really matter if the film was a stinker? Out Frazetta-ing Frazetta, Struzan delivered a classic painting that wouldn’t look out of place in a book of Robert E. Howard stories.

8. COMING TO AMERICA (1988)

The first legit good film on today’s list, Coming to America is a classic comedy starring a pre-Mel B Eddie Murphy in what might be his best role. It was the film that made Eddie Murphy a star and Struzan’s poster emphasises the star accordingly. Legend has it, the poster was designed for Crocodile Dundee II, but Paul Hogan nixed the idea. Never one to let a good idea die, Struzan recycled the concept for Coming to America and a classic movie poster was born.

7. THE THING (1982)

Struzan painted the poster for The Thing without any reference photos from the film and all he had to work on was someone telling him “it’s the same basic story as the original.” It’s a wonder he managed to create anything at all from such scant info, never mind an all time classic image. The poster tells you absolutley nothing about the film, but it does make you want to see it, and that, after all, is the point.

6. FIRST BLOOD (1982)

The first poster to advertise a movie by giving as a big guy holding a big gun, the central image of the First Blood poster has been copied and parodied so much is has become a cliche. The classic image of what an action movie hero should look like, the First Blood poster has become the way pretty much all action movies since advertise themselves.

5. THE BACK TO THE FUTURE TRILOGY (1985/89/90)

Three posters, yes, but as great as each individual poster is, they’re so much better when enjoyed as a whole. The first poster is so iconic that when it came time to design the poster for the sequel, Struzan designed countless posters before deciding to do what really should have been a no brainer – repeat the design of the original. There’s been much debate over whether or not Mary Steenbergen should be featured on the third poster, and a design exists showing just Marty and Doc in western gear – but for my money it balances the poster nicely.

4. INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL PROMOTIONAL POSTERS (2008)

Also known as “running Indy,” “swining Indy” and “whip Indy” these images weren’t used on the advance or main posters for the latest Indy movie, but were promotional images that turned up on everything from banners to desktop wallpaper to promotional cups and, yes, posters. Showing that no one draws Indy quite like Drew Struzan, my favorite is “whip Indy” which is the rarest of the three, tending only to turn up on huge billboards and hoardings.

3. THE STAR WARS TRILOGY SPECIAL EDITIONS (1996/97)

Anyone who was a Star Wars fan in the nineties will remember the excitment of seeing the Special Edition posters in cinemas. They were – and still are – breathtakingly beautiful and close-to-perfect representations of the Star Wars trilogy. However, you don’t really appreciate these posters until you see them side by side. Empire is the most important story in the Star Wars saga, and it’s only fitting that everything on these three posters explodes outward from the centre of the Empire poster.

2. MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE (1987)

Maybe I’m just being sentimental by putting the Masters of the Universe poster at number 2, and to be honest, it’s not as good as the Special Edition posters – but my list = my rules so there. For my money, Drew’s painting of Dolph Lungren deserves to be hanging next to the Mona Lisa in the Louvre. It’s an incredible peice of work that provides a link back to my childhood as it’s the first peice of Struzan art I remember seeing.

1. INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE (1989)

Drew Struzan loves drawing Indy. It’s clear from how bloody good at it he is. The third Indy movie has the best poster of any of the Struzan Indy posters (though the distinction of best Indy poster overall goes to the advance poster for Temple of Doom) and perfectly captures the adventure and joie de vivre of what was then thought to be the last Indiana Jones movie. Struzan also painted posters for the Indiana Jones Adventure at Disneyworld and a ton of Indy novels, but his poster for Last Crusade is undoubtedly his best work.

Sadly, Drew Struzan has retired from the movie business. His last poster was for the movie Super Capers, which I think about three people saw. To quote the man himself “the studios had turned their backs on “art” over the last number of years as most anyone has noticed.” I still hope for the day when the studios will turn back to art and someone – hopefully Struzan himself – will return and save us from the teal and orange nightmare that the multiplex lobby has become. End transmission.

10. Ronald Reagan IS… Rick Blaine!

Eventually played by: Humphrey Bogart

To be honest, there’s every chance this is just Hollywood bullshit, but there’s a rumor that wont go away that future president Ronald Reagan was offered the lead in Casablanca, but turned it down. With Reagan in the lead, it would’ve been an acceptable movie; Bogart made it a classic. That said, Bogart became one of the most popular movie stars ever and Regan somehow became one of the most (bafflingly) popular presidents ever, so all’s well that ends well, I guess.

9. Tom Selleck IS… Indiana Jones!

Eventually played by: Harrison Ford

To be honest, this one might have worked. Selleck has that same laconic charm as Harrison Ford (although, admittedly, he has far less of it) and if we couldn’t have Ford, Selleck would’ve done. That said, I don’t think it would’ve turned into the franchise it became with Selleck in the lead.

8. Laurence Olivier IS… Don Corleone!

Eventually played by: Marlon Brando

Another one that I kinda see working. Someone on IMDB commented that Olivier would’ve acted rather than stuffing his cheeks with cotton wool and mumbling, but that’s a bit unfair, methinks. Brando turned in an incredible performance, but surley I’m not the only one who’d love to see what the world’s greatest Shakesperian would’ve done with the role.

7. James Cagney IS… Robin Hood!

Eventually played by: Errol Flynn

Ok, so now we’re getting into the stuff I really don’t see working. Whilst making A Midsummer Night’s Dream with Cagney as Bottom, a studio exec suggested Cagney as Robin Hood. Had Cagney not walked off the Warner Bros. lot, he would’ve been the man in tights and Erroll Flynn would’ve been an also-ran. Cagney is one of my favorite actors, but I can’t imagine him in green tights spitting out dialouge about Normans and Saxons and “every free man in England” in his stacatto Bronx accent.

6. Nicholas Cage IS… Superman!

Eventually played by: Brandon Routh

Believe it or not, there was a while there when the next Superman movie was going to be Kevin Smith’s Superman Lives directed by Tim Burton and starring Nicholas Cage as the Man of Steel. Tim Burton being Tim Burton, this wouldn’t have been a Superman story as we know them, but it would’ve been a Burtonised nightmare starring a hero that looks like that picture above. Still think Brandon Routh sucked?

5. Robert Redford IS… Rocky Balboa!

Eventually played by: Sylvester Stallone

When Sylvester Stallone pitched Rocky to studio executives they were all over the idea like a dog eating beetroot, but with one condition. They didn’t want Stallone – previously seen in only softcore porn and Corman exploitation – playing the lead in his own movie and would much rather have a bankable star as Rocky. Their first choice? Robert Redford. The blonde haired, blue eyed Sundance festival founder as the Itallian Stallion? Apollo would’ve put his ass on the mat in the first round.

4. Christopher Walken IS… Han Solo!

Eventually played by: Harrison Ford.

The part of Han Solo was offered to Harrison Ford, Kurt Russell and Christopher Walken. With Russell in the part I reckon the trilogy would’ve gone ahead much as it did, but with Christopher Walken Captain Solo is something I really can’t imagine. Walken, as awesome as he is, just doesn’t have the laconic charm to play the rougeish Han Solo.

3. Al Pacino IS… John Rambo!

Eventually played by: Sylvester Stallone.

Let me first say that the Rambo of the movies is something very different from the Rambo of the book “First Blood” by David Morrell and, in a pervese sort of way, I can kinda see Al Pacino as the Rambo of the novel, but as the Rambo of the movies – especially First Blood Part II and Rambo III – Al Pacino is about the last guy I’d put in that role. Can you really see Tony Montana stripped to the waist sporting a bandana, a bandolier and a Browning? Thought not.

EDIT: Since posting this, I’ve noticed the astonishing similarity between the two pictures above.  Creepy…

2. Frank Sinatra IS… Harry Callahan!

Eventually played by: Clint Eastwood.

Sinatra might have done it his way, but saints be praised Clint got to do Dirty Harry HIS way. To be fair, Sinatra – in a round about sort of way – played John McLane long before Bruce Willis did (no, really, swear to god – see below) but by the time the seventies rolled around and Dirty Harry went into production, Ol’ Blue Eyes was a little too old to play the eponymous detective. That said, Charles Bronson was pretty awesome in Death Wish despite his advanced years, but seriously, can you really see the Chairman of the Board wielding a .44 Magnum and asking punks if they feel lucky?

1. Adam West IS… James Bond!

Eventually played by: George Lazenby

Yup, you read that right, Adam West was approached to take over from Sean Connery but declined saying that he felt Bond should be British. Now, hear me out. I think Adam West could’ve been a great Bond – he certainly was good looking enough (and certainly looked the part – look at that picture, just add a gun and you have 007), could handle himself physically and was great with a one liner, but perhaps it’s for the best that he never took the part. Among others considered for the role are Richard Burton, Jeremy Brett (if only), Oliver Reed, Christopher Reeve, Burt Reynolds, James Brolin, Steve Reeves (!), Ewan McGregor, Clint Eastwood (really) and Sam Neil.

A note on the Frank Sinatra/John McLane:
John McLane – or, as he was originally named Joe Leland – first appeared in the novel “The Detective” by Roderick Thorp. This movie was made into a film starring Frankie. The novel’s sequel “Nothing Lasts Forever” became the basis for Die Hard with the character renamed John McLane and played by Bruce Willis.

Anyway, leave a comment if you have anything interesting to say. Hell, leave a comment even if you don’t. Something on comics soon, I swear! End transmission.

10. The Monster Squad

Any kid who grew up loving monster movies saw and loved this movie. A group of kids teaming up with Frankenstein’s Monster and Van Helsing to take out Dracula, the Mummy, the Wolf Man and the Creature from the Black Lagoon? Yes, please. A sequel, of course, could’ve brought the Count back with a bunch of new monsters for round two, but sadly our monster kid prayers were never answered.

9. Enter the Dragon

Bruce Lee could’ve been the Asian James Bond had Enter the Dragon been sequelled and made into a series. Unfortunatley, the little issue of Bruce’s death got in the way and what could have been an awesome film series was never to be. Enter the Dragon plays a lot like a Bond movie – the villain even has a Persian Cat – and it’s easy to imagine a series of four or five movies starring Lee being sent to take down various chop socky badguys.

8. The Rocketeer

The Rocketeer is a great characte and a great comic but a pretty forgetable movie made the character pretty much unknown amongst casual movie fans these days. Given the chance to develop with another movie or two, the Rocketeer could easily be as well known today as Indiana Jones or James Bond.  A series about a guy with a jetpack vs all manner of nefearious Nazis and Commies – sounds good to me.

7. Cloverfield

I still hold out hope for a Cloverfield sequel.  The way I see it is we either continue the story or we see the first movie from another angle, be it another group of people with a camera or in a more traditional monster movie style, but either way, I want to see more. The cool thing with Cloverfield was that we, as monster movie fans, know the granite jawed generals ad bespectacled scientists were hard at work somewhere, but we never saw them. A sequel (or, more acurately, an “equal”) told in a more conventional manner would be cool to see.

6. Dracula

The 1979 version starring the great Frank Langella here, I for one would love to see the continuation of the story. The film strongly hints that Dracula perhaps survives the film but, sadly, Langella wasn’t interested – he had played Dracula for years on Broadway before appearing in the movie and he felt it was time to move on. A shame, but not an insurmountble obstacle since Langella was suceeded in the role on stage by none other than Jeremy Brett. Jeremy Brett as Dracula in an unashamedly lavish and romantic sequel to an unashamedly lavish and romantic original? If only.

5. The Shadow

Like Dracula, the ending of The Shadow strongly hints at a sequel, but alas it was never to be. The Shadow is one of my favorite comic book characters so it’s perhaps selfishness on my part to wish there had been at least one sequel, but still, it would’ve been great to see Alec Baldwin back as the living shadow. With a history dating back to 1930, story ideas were hardly thin on the ground, but the film wasn’t the runaway sucess the studio hoped it would be, so any and all sequels were nixed. A real shame – and maybe they could’ve even fixed the makeup and made it less goofy.

4. Conan the Destroyer

To be fair, a new Conan movie is coming out next year, but Oliver Stone and John Millius’ original plan of doing a Conan movie every two years or so and making it an ongoing series a-la 007 sadly never came to fruition. The idea was to bring the Governator back and use a new Robert Howard inspired plot each time, but the failure of Conan the Destroyer to set the box office on fire killed that idea deader than one of Conan’s enemies. There was talk of a new Conan movie with Triple H a while ago, but nothing came of it and, best of all, there were rumours of a movie starring Arnie as King Conan flew around but, sadly, it never happened.

3. On Her Majesty’s Secret Service

Diamonds Are Forever doesn’t count. What I would loved to have seen is a continuation of the story laid out in OHMSS, starring George Lazenby, and showing Bond trying to deal with the death of Tracy, messing up a mission and being fired by M and then setting out, License to Kill-style, to find and kill Blofeld. Bond in DAF doesn’t seem to give a toss that Blofeld killed his wife, trading barbs with the guy like they’re old sparring partners.

2. Army of Darkness

Regardless of wether we’re talking about the original S-Mart ending or the “I slept too long” ending, Army of Darkness is wide open for a sequel. Ash in the present day wiping out Deadites? Yes, please. Ash in post-apocolyptic England wiping out Deadites? Yes, please. Either way, I’m a happy guy. Or not, as the case may be, since a sequel was never made. With a budget of $11 million and a domestic gross of $11.5 million it’s no surprise that a sequel was never forthcoming, but a guy can dream, right? The real question, of course, is wether it would be called Evil Dead 3 or Army of Darkness 2…

1. Return of the Jedi

You’d think I’d have learned my lesson after the prequel trilogy, but I can’t help but wish Lucas would lure Harrison Ford back into the old waistcoat and convince Mark Hamill to wield a lightsaber three more times and give us episodes VII, VIII and IX. Timothy Zahn already wrote a sequel trilogy, so the stories are there, and it’s not as through Lucas doesn’t have the money, so what’s the hold up? I sat through Indiana Jones 4, so the way I see it is Lucas and Ford *owe* me at least one more Star Wars movie. But please, no Ewoks or Gungans this time, I’m begging you.

Admittedly, if sequels to these movies had been made, there’s every chance they would’ve sucked, but still, it’s fun to imagine what might have been. In any case, gimmie your thoughts below. Something about comics next, I promise. No, really! End transmission.

10. How the hell did they set this all up?

A simple question, but one that I would like answered. How the hell did the Ewoks and the handful of rebels on Endor set all the Home Alone style booby traps to crush AT-STs and shit. What’s worse is the fact that the Emperor says a legion of his best troops are on the planet and yet they get their asses handed to them by a bunch of teddy bears. Bullshit.

9. Ewoks eat hair?

Another of those “that never occurred to me” moments occurs when the Ewoks have captured Han and co. and are getting ready to cook them up for dinner. They have them tied to spit roasts (wouldn’t the ropes burn?) and they’re lighting fires underneath them so they cook up nice and crispy. But they don’t skin Chewie. Hae you ever smelled burning hair? It’s not pleasant. Smelly factor aside, you wouldn’t put a chicken in the oven with the feathers on.

8. What a drag.

So, yeah, after the Ewoks somehow rig all the traps and shit up, they show how fucking stupid they are by trying to bring down a Chicken Walker by holding a rope and trying to trip it up. Their ingenious plan fails, of course, causing them to be dragged along the ground in a manner most comical. I really hope there was a ton of broken glass and shit on that particular patch of ground.

7. The Ewok method of untying knots hurts.

I’m not sure what exactly the Ewoks were planning to do with Artoo when they tied him up and took him to their wee treehouses, but tie him up they did. Anyway, when Luke uses the Force to make the Ewoks think that Threepio is a god, the Ewoks untie our rebel heroes and make them part of the tribe. Which is all well and good, but the Ewok who hammers Artoo with an axe to cut the rope around him could’ve used a little more care.

6. Ewok masturbates Han.

Let’s be honest, Harrison Ford was on autopilot during ROTJ. It’s clear to anyone with eyes that he’s simply going through the motions and waiting for the next Indiana Jones movie. Now, so far as I’m aware, Ford has never publicly stated his feelings on the Ewok situation, but I’d imagine that, like the rest of us, he’s probably not a fan. Anyway, there’s a wierd moment when Han’s being harrassed by an Ewok and he decided the best course of action is to take the Ewok’s hands and stick them between his legs. I swear to god, that really happens. Dirty bastard.

5. Speeder bike Ewok.

It’s almost as if Lucas and co. got piss drunk and sat around the writer’s table yelling things like “hey, guys, wouldn’t it be funny if an Ewok got on a speeder bike?” No, it wouldn’t be funny, but sadly no one seemed to realise and we’re treated to the oh-so-hilarious sight of an Ewok being dragged along by a racing speeder bike. The speeder bike chase is awesome, with some of the coolest sound effects in the entire Star Wars saga so it’s truly a pity that it was all pissed on by some bastard Ewok.

4. Me Chewie, you Jane.

Chewie swings out on a vine to get to an AT-ST. I can buy that – in fact, it’s actually pretty cool. What’s not cool is the fact that Chewie lets out a Tarzan yell as he does so. This can only mean one thing: Chewie has seen a Tarzan movie at one point. Way to go, George – spend two and a half movies setting up this incredible fictional universe only to piss on it and go “ho ho ho, it’s all just a movie” twenty minutes before the end of the entire saga. Fuck you, Lucas. Fuck you all to hell.

3. Wicket + Artoo 4eva.

This is one of the few Ewok moments, I don’t utterly hate and it’s actually kinda sweet. After the destruction of the Death Star, the rebels hold a big party on Endor and everybody gets all loved up, hugging and kissing like there’s no tomorrow. But does poor old Artoo get neglected? Of course, not – in fact, lead Ewok Wicket W. Warwick seems to have taken a shine to our little metal buddy, even going so far as to plant a little Ewok smackeroo on him. Altogether now: awwww….

2. Grooming Ewok.

After Chewie and a couple Ewoks swing out and into the Chicken Walker, Chewie sets about serving up big slabs of pwnage steak by turning the Empire’s weapon upon them and shooting down some Stormies. This tickles the Wookiee’s funny bone and Chewie and the Ewoks enjoy a good old laugh about it in the cockpit. But there’s one Ewok who’s got better things to do than laugh – he’s noticed some clumps in Chewie’s fur and he’ll be goddamned if he’s not gonna get them out. At least he didn’t get all gorilla on Chewie’s ass and start eating what he pulled out.

1. The only good Ewok…

You know what might be the single most ridiculous moment in the entire Star Wars saga? During the Battle of Endor, a battle which sees the Emperor’s best troops get utterly annhialated by some teddy bears with blunt arrows, only one Ewok dies. One. And it’s a glorious moment, savored by Star Wars fans the world over. Making it even better is the Ewok’s little friend trying to shake it’s dead companion back to life, all the while uttering sounds that sound a lot like “mama.” It just goes to show that the only good Ewok is a dead Ewok.

Know what’s crazy? The word “Ewok” is not said once in ROTJ and yet it is a household word. Pretty much everyone knows what an Ewok is, wether they’re a Star Wars fan or not. The concept of a primitive race pwning a technologically advanced enemy is a good one, but the execution is so poor and the battle so one-sided that the Ewoks are remembered as the single worst thing in the original Trilogy. Agree? Disagree? Don’t give a fuck? Tell me your thoughts below – and may the Force be with you. End transmission.

10. Artoo states the obvious.

There’s a great throwaway moment on Jabba’s sail barge where Threepio bumps into Artoo and knocks a tray of drink off of Artoo’s head. Being the unerringly polite chap that he is, Threepio apologies before realising that it’s his little pal Artoo that he’s bumped into. So, he asked Artoo what he’s up to and after Artoo beeps and whilstles, Threepio says “well, I can see you’re serving drinks” which means Artoo must’ve said something along the lines of “serving drinks, braniac, what’s it look like I’m doing?” I love that smartmouthed little droid.

9. Drunk Chicken Walker.

After a distinct lack of drunken characters in TESB, the traidition of the drunn Jawas in ANH continues with the drunken AT-ST on Endor. Attempting a balancing act on some logs, the Chicken Walker does a great bendy-legged jig in a vain yet valliant attempt to maintain a vertical base. It’s a great bit of stop-motion animation that would’ve made Harryhausen proud.

8. Sad Rancor keeper.

Another life lesson taught to generation after generation courtesy of George Lucas: everyone, no matter how ugly or wierd, has someone who loves them. After Luke battles and defeats the Rancor (for years I though it was prounounced “ransor,” incidentally) by tossing a skull at a control panel causing a huge ass door to drop down, crushing the Rancor to death. After the fight, the Rancor’s keeper rushes in and, upon seeing his dead pet begins blubbering tears of pure, unadultered sorrow. Tragic stuff, that, to be honest, kinda makes Luke look like a bit on an asshole.

7. What did he say?

Here’s the situation: you’ve just blown up the Death Star and saved the galaxy. There’s a nice fat paycheck waiting for you back at base and no doubt foxy mamas from all over the universe will want to have your children. What do you do? Do you: A. laugh and scream like a loon? B. laugh and scream like a maniac? Or C. kinda mumble out some halfassed laughter? Nein Numb chose C. How exactly Lando can understand the mumblings of his co-pilot escapes me, but it’s hilarious watching his supremley understated reaction to the destruction of the Death Star.

6. Lando Calrissian: worst spy ever.

Speaking of Lando, here’s something I never noticed for years even though it’s massivley obvious. A textbook case of missing the forest for the trees, I never noticed Lando’s staggering lack of subtlety when he’s working undercover in Jabba’s palace. Lando, like his buddy Han Solo, has a bit of a reputation as a scoundrel and gambler throughout the galaxy and so he disguises himself as a skiff guard. We all know Lando likes playing dressup ( the end of TESB where he dresses in Han’s clothes, not to mention his cape on Bespin) and he pretty much blends into the background in his skiff guard costume but Lando pisses all over his disguise by pulling his mask completley off his face exposing his identity to anyone who cared to look.

5. Han’s dad.

Ok, so the rebels are on Endor, right? There’s Han, Leia, Chewie, the droids (for no good reason) and a ton of rebel soldiers. The best and the brightest selected for a very dangerous mission. Young men, fit and able to navigate dangerous terrain and take on any threat that rears its head. Or not. Who the fuck thought it was a good idea to bring the old guy along? Seriously, look at the guy, he’s about ten million years old. Who the fuck is he, Han’s dad? John Hammond? Santa Claus? Worse yet, this idiot has the brilliant idea of dressing up as a Scout Trooper so he can blend in. Yeah, great idea gramps… until Chewie bowcasters you all to hell, thinking you’re a legit Imperial troop. Worst of all, I just googled the guy and it turns out his name is “Nik Sant.” Oh, how fucking hilarious.

4. Hotties at Jabba’s place.

Say what you like about Jabba being a vile scumbag, the guy knew a thing or two about window dressing. Considering he lives in a palace surrounded by some of the ugliest dudes this side of Mos Eisley, can you really blame him for keeping a hot chick or two nearby? Until the arrivial of Princess Leia and the gold bikini that turned many a boy into a man, number one amongst Jabba’s harem was the Twi’lek slave girl Oola, a green skinned cutie (thanks, Star Trek) who famously has a bit of a wardrobe malfunction shortly before her death in the Rancor pit. What I wanna know is, did Jabba have a wardrobe full of gold bikinis in all sizes or did he have to have one made for Leia? In fact, on second thoughts, I don’t care one bit.

3. B-Wings: WTF?

Ok, so X-Wings are X shaped, A-Wings are A shaped (kinda), Y-Wings are Y shaped (sorta), so why the heck are B-Wings called B-Wings? T-Wings would maybe be a better name, but the name isn’t the issue here. The issue here is, I want to fly an B-Wing, and I want to fly one now. They have the coolest cockpit design in the entire Trilogy, why, cause it has some sort of gyroscope in it causing the pilot to always remain stationery, even if the ship is flying upside down or doing corkscrews or whatever. Originally the Falcon was intended to have the same sort of cockpit but, for whatever reason it didn’t happen. The problem with B-Wings, however, was the fact that seemingly every B-Wing pilot was an utter pussy since, after they sign in before the Battle of Endor, they don’t seem to take part in the battle at all.

2. Fett dies like a bitch.

Fuck Boba Fett. I will never understand the popularity of Fett, who has a legion of fanboys despite not actually doing much except stand around and fly his ugly ass ship. Anyway, so Fett’s taking an utter age to aim his flame thrower at Luke on Jabba’s sail barge and unbeknownst to him, a blind Han Solo is behind him with a big pole. Chewie warns Han that Fett is behind him and Han utters the immortal line “Boba Fett? Where?” Han turns round, his stick hits Fett in the ass, setting of Fett’s jetpack and sending him flying into the Great Pit of Carkoon. The kicker? The Sarlacc fucking burps after it eats Fett. Yep, the badass bounty hunter gets reduced to a burp joke. Despite a wealth of bullshit extended universe fiction nonsense that claims Fett somehow survived, Lucas has said that what happens in the movies is canon and EU stuff is naught but fanwank. Sorry fanboys, Fett is dead. And he died like a bitch.

1. “It’s a trap!”

Star Wars has become a globabl phenomenon, but one of the few SW moments that has become an Internet meme involves that crazy fish headed military commander Admiral Ackbar yelling three words that have become Internet legend: “it’s a trap!” Ackbar masterminded the attack on Death Star II and called the action, Gorilla Monsoon style, from his floating chair on the rebel baseship. His plan suceedes, of course, and the Death Star is blown up courtesy of Wedge Antilles, Lando Calrissian and Nein Numb, making the universe safe again. Until, of course, the Star Destroyer Executor shows up after the credits gave rolled and deliver teh pwnage and the wreckage of the Death Star rained down on Endor killing everyone on the planet. Despite what may or may not have happened after the Death Star was destroyed, it’s undeniable that Ackbar is a man who knows a trap when he sees one. Or a tarp, or a harp, a carp, a map, a cap, a crap, La Trappe, a frap, Barack, or anything else the fine people at /b/ would care to come up with.

Notice something about this list? Yeah, there’s no Ewoks! The number one bone of contention when it comes to Jedi and they don’t feature on this list? That’s because my much hyped Super Secret Fourth Part of this series is (drumroll please) THE ALL EWOK EDITION! Bet you can’t fucking wait, can you. Anyway, leave me a comment if you have anything to say and stay tuned for the attack of the Ewoks. Be afraid… be very afraid. End transmission.

PS – Just a quick shout out to anyone who sent me a text or message or anything when I was in hospital. You know who you are, and I thank you. The transmission? End it.

10. Nerf Herder.

A quick one to start us off, but could someone please explain to me what a nerf is and how exactly you herd one? It’s quite the insult though, it must be said. Anything that gets a chuckle out of Chewie is a-ok in my book.

9. Airport security.

A wierd one, but funny when you know about it and I guarantee you’ll smile every time you see it from now on. When Vader and the troops arrive on Echo Base Vader walks through an archway that looks a lot like an airport metal detector. As he passes though, he half-stops, turns around and looks back as if some bored security guard asked him to put his keys in the dish and walk back through.

8. Sausages!

Most of the important lessons in life can be learned from Empire Strikes Back: “try not, do or do not – there is no try,” “wars do not make on great,” “size matters not” (an important one, that) and – most importantly of all – if it smells bad on the outside, it smells worse on the inside. Han Solo learns this lesson the hard way when he uses Luke’s lightsaber to slice open a Tautaun and jam’s Luke’s body inside to keep him warm. A useful survival skill if one is lost in an Arctic wilderness and just happens to have a dead Tauntaun to hand. What’s really funny though is the closup we get of tha Tauntaun’s guts falling out of it’s belly since they look a very great deal like sausages. Mmmm, tasty.

7. Smug git.

Ok, so hands up, who fancied Princess Leia as a kid? To be honest, fancying Princess Leia is one of the few things I don’t think geeks ever grow out of, despite “Postcards from the Edge” and the fact that she looks like a Nerf Herder herself nowadays. I don’t think anyone saw the revalation that Luke and Leia were siblings coming back in the day, so every kid wanted to be Luke Skywalker. Sure, Han had the cool ship and the Wookiee pal, but Luke got the girl and that’s the most important thing. Early on in Empire there’s a scene where Leia, to prove she’s not interested in Han, lays one on Luke, tongues and everything. For years I missed out on the best part of the scene thanks to my crappy pan and scan VHS, but when I saw Empire on the big screen for the first time I saw Luke’s reaction to the kiss: a look of smug self-satisfaction that made Han’s eventual conquest of the Ice Princess all the more satisfying. Who’s smiling now, farmboy?

6. Design flaw.

Before I ever saw a Star Wars movie, I saw Star Wars toys. My couisn’s house was full of the classic Kenner toys from back in the day and the coolest of them all was the AT-AT. This thing was about three feet tall (probably not, but I remember it being huge) and just had this aura of awesomess about it that completley blinded me to the design flaw that, thankfully was not lost on Luke and co. during the Battle of Hoth. Why the fuck would the Empire design something so fundamentally flawed as an AT-AT? Unless the terrain is completley flat and completley free from small ships with harpoons and tow cables, the AT-ATs are utterly fucking useless. Tripping them up is unspeakably fun in Star Wars Battlefront though, so I reckon that makes up for it.

5. Scum!

Admiral Piett doesn’t get enough credit. The man has balls of steel and that’s a fact. Stepping into command after Vader Force choked Admiral Ozzell into oblivion, Piett immediatetely made his badassery known to all by loudly announcing to anyone who would listen that bounty hunters were scum. That doesn’t seem too impressive, but consider than Boba Fett, Dengar, IG88 and a ton of other dudes were mere feet away; hell, Bossk was standing right next to him and yet he still, balls of steel glinting in the starlight, calls them all out. What really makes the scene though, and what most people miss, is the prefunctory “yessir” from the lackey he says it to. It’s as if the guy is thinking “fuck, if I agree my ass is toast, but it I say nothing the Admiral’ll have my balls! I’d better come up with the most non-commital response I can muster.”

4. Han finds religion.

A wierd one this. There’s a famous moment when Han’s setting out on his Tauntaun to find Luke where some guys tells him “your Tauntaun’ll freeze before you reach the first marker” and Han, being the cool cat that he is yells, “then I’ll see you in Hell!” Awesome stuff. But let’s look at it closer. Hell? That’s a very-earth specific concept considering the only religion mentioned in the Star Wars movies is the Force. But is the Force a religion? Well, not if the prequel trilogy is to be believed in which is is explained that Forceyness (it’s a word now, fuckers) is a purley biological thing, caused by midichlorians: microscopic organisms that inhabit, in varying numbers, the bodies of all living things. The higher your midichlorian count, the more powerful a Jedi/Sith you are/will become. So whence comes Han’s Hell reference. Let’s look deeper. In ANH, Uncle Owen comments that if Luke’s not back soon “there’ll be Hell to pay” so, obviously there is some concept of Hell in the SW universe. Han, of course, doesn’t believe in the Force (at least not at that point in the story) but I’m an atheist and that doesn’t stop me from saying “for God’s sake” or stuff like that. It’s a very wierd moment that stands out as being one of the few earth-specific references in the Trilogy.

3. Death to holograms!

Kinda like Luke’s reaction to Leia’s planting of a smackeroo on him, I missed this for many years thanks to pan and fucking scan VHS tapes. I actually thought it had been inserted into the Special Editions until I finally saw a widescreen version of the original movie and realised that it was part of the movie all along. So, anyway, when Vader’s fleet are chasing down the Falcon in the asteroid field, there’s a scene where various Imperial types are shooting the shit with Vader via the magic of holographic projection. There’s a cutaway to an asteroid slamming into the bridge of one of the Star Destroyers and when we cut back to the hologram scene we see the guy’s screaming death. What’s really funny is the way that Vader has zero reaction; he doesn’t give a shit. It shows how ruthless Vader is, after all, if that guy was incompetent enough to let the asteroid get near enough to hit his ship then he’s probably a liability anyway.

2. Guess who’s coming to dinner?

So, after escaping the Imperial fleet and dropping in on his old pal Lando Calrissian on Bespin, Han and his friends find that Lando has sold them out to the Empire and that Vader and the troops (and Boba Fett) are already there and waiting for them. Fair enough, but the reason this makes the list is because of something few people notice and something that I never noticed the first few times I watched Empire. When Han and co. walk into the dining room Vader is waiting in, Vader is sitting at the head of a table which is set for dinner – there’s food and utensils and plates and shit on the table. Vader says “we would be honored if you would join us” and then the scene cuts. What I wanna know is, what happened next? Did they all sit down for a nice, if a bit strained, meal? Can’t you just imagine Fett asking Chewie to pass the mashed potatoes?

1. Mark Hamill: rodent.

Pity poor Mark Hamill. Known to generation after generation as Luke Skywalker, the guy was never able to pick up his shit and move on to other projects like Harrison Ford did (granted Harrison Ford had Indy to help his along, but whatever). And that’s a shame, because Mark Hamill is quite the talented actor. Who else, after all, can morph their facial features into those of a rat without the aid of any makeup whatsoever? It’s almost as if Lucas and Irvin Kershner showed Marky Mark pictures of various New York sewer rats and said “when Vader tells you he’s your dad, we want you to make yourself look as much like one of these little buggers as you can.” And, I gotta tell you, he suceeds, looking for all the world like the bastard love child of Basil the Great Mouse Detective and Nosferatu. Can Harrison Ford do that? Shit no. Take THAT, Mr. Fedora Man.

There are those who say that ANH is a better film than Empire. These people are wrong, though from a nostalgic viewpoint I can almost see their point. There are those who think Jedi is a better film. These people are idiots. There are also those who believe that life here began out there, but that’s a different sci fi franchise. Anyway, stay tuned for the top ten unsung moments from Jedi, coming soon to a monitor near you – not to mention my super top secret fourth installment of this series, and no, it has nothing to do with the prequel trilogy. Comments? You know what to do. End transmission.

10. Luke gets cocky!

Before the climactic final attack on the Death Star, the rebel forces gather in a breifing room to go over the mission. Some of the finest pilots in the galaxy including guys like Wedge Antilles and Biggs Darklighter are present (as is, for some reason, Luke Skywalker) and are shocked to hear exactly what the mission will entail: firing a proton torpedo at a target less than two meters across. One of the rebel pilots calls bullshit on the plan and declares it “impossible.” And what does Luke do? Start running his mouth about how he used to “bullseye Womprats” in his T16 Skyhopper back on Tattoine. Excuse me, but I think this guy probably knows a little more about hitting tiny targets whilst flying at incredible speeds and being blasted with enemy fire than you do, farmboy. Shut the hell up and be grateful they’re letting you tag along. Of course, Luke ends up saving the day and destroying the Death Star, but not by being a great pilot; he chooses to instead listen to the voices in his head and let the Force do the firing for him.

9. Wookiees play violent chess!

Wookiees are a funny lot. One one hand they look like Bigfoots (Bigfeet?) and live in peace on a forest planet, but on the other they’re feirce warriors and prone to short temperedness. The most famous of all Wookiees, of course, was Han Solo’s sidekick Chewbacca, a Wookiee who in his spare time enjoyed a relaxing game of chess. Except in the Star Wars universe, chess involves holograms that beat the shit out of each other. Finally meeting his match when playing against Threepio and Artoo, the droids were warned by Han Solo not to beat Chewie since he has a habit of ripping people’s arms off when he loses. Nice.

8. Drunken Jawas!

I never noticed this for the longest time, but when it was pointed out to me I laugh at it every time I watch the movie. As Luke and Obi-Wan are walking into Chalmun’s Cantina in Mos Eisley, check out the three drunk Jawas sitting outside. Now, most Jawas are industrious types, scavenging and seeking out stuff to sell to moisture farmers and the like. Not these guys. No way. They’re probably unemployed and spend their days sitting outside the Cantina, probably rising only to make a half hearted attempt to steal some credits from passing rubes to buy more booze. Utini? Martini, more like.

7. Dance with the Modal Nodes!

So anyway, once you’re past the drunk Jawas and checked your droids at the door, you’re in the Cantina and ready to rock. And rocking is exactly what you’ll be doing as soon as your ears hear the awesome music produced by the greatest band in the known universe, Figrin D’an and the Modal Nodes. A group of seven Bith musicians who play the single greatest song ever written on a seemingly endless loop twenty four hours a day, three hundred and sixty five days a year. You know the one I mean.

6. Racist Leia!

You know for a senator and embassador, Leia could be an pretty insensitive when she felt like it. It never occured to me when I first saw Star Wars, but the fact is Leia’s a racist bitch. Shortly after Luke, Han and Chewie risk life and limb to resuce her from her cell on the Death Star, Leia decided she’s going to lead the way and demands someone “get this walking carpet out of my way.” Poor Chewie. If it wasn’t for him, the bitch would still be rotting in her cell. To be fair, she didn’t have too much of a problem with incest, so why should racism be a problem? I couldn’t find a picture of this moment, and can’t be bothered doing a screengrab, so I’ve provided you with a grab of a different kind, fnarr fnarr…

5. Chewie gets vocal!

Here’s the deal, you copilot the ship directly responsible for clearing Luke’s path so he could destroy the Death Star and a memo goes round saying that those heroes who destroyed the Empire’s greatest threat to galactic peace are going to be awarded with medals for their bravery. Awesome, right? So you brush all the lumps out of your hair and straighten your bandolier and head out with Luke and Han to get your medal. And what do you get? Fuck all, that’s what. Is it any wonder that the last sound we hear in A New Hope is Chewie roaring his ass off, no doubt showing his displeasure at the rampant strain of anti-Wookiee racism going on on Yavin IV.

4. Vader chokes a bitch!

To be fair, this isn’t a blink-and-you’ll-miss it moment, but it is a genius peice of screenwriting that tells you absolutley everything you need to know about Vader in one two minute scene. So Vader and Peter Cushing and a bunch of guys with seventies sideburns are sitting around a table shooting the shit, and one of the sideburn guys decides he’s gonna get a bit snotty with the Dark Lord of the Sith, insulting his religion, his inabilty to flush out the rebels and the size of his penis (made that last bit up). And how does Vader react? Like a goddamn pimp, that’s how. The scene where we realised that: A. Vader’s superpowers are totally legit and totally badass and B. this black suited motherfucker’s playing for keeps, the choking of Admiral Motti is one of the best scenes in the movie.

3. Weave your web of deciet, lie man!

You’ll miss it unless you’re paying attention, but this tiny little moment shows that Lucas had the whole trilogy planned all along. When Luke and Obi-Wan are talking rubbish about nonsense in Obi-Wan’s little shack, the conversation turns to what happened to Luke’s dad and there’s a split second before Obi-Wan answers where he hesitates, his mind rapidly turning over to come up with an answer that isn’t “well, he fell into some lava, went batshit crazy when Natalie Portman died and now wears a badass black suit.” It’s a brilliant bit of acting by Alec Guiness.

2. Han shoots first!

Like Vader vs Motti, this is one of the most famous moments in the trilogy, but unlike Vader vs Motti, this is a scene that future generations will probably never see thanks to Lucas’s incessent tinkering with his movies. Originally, in the version we all saw and fell in love with, Han Solo shot Greedo in cold blood and with zero remorse, making his eventual transformation from cold hearted killer into noble freedom fighter a hundred times more powerful. In Lucas’s new edits, Han waits until Greedo shoots first, then shoots Greedo in self defense. But are you really going to tell me that Greedo missed? From three feet away? Bullshit. What’s worse is the akward CGI “dodge” than Han now does in order to get out of the way of Greedo’s laser blast. It all just looks so painfully contrived and forced. Lucas has said that he originally intended to have Greedo shoot first, but I call bullshit on that, because there’s no reason he couldn’t have shot the scene that way in 1977.

1. Blue milk!

Life on Tatooine must really suck. Nothing for miles but sand, an asshole of an uncle and no-one but droids to talk to. But what aunt Beru serves up at dinnertime must surley makeup for the hours of tedium. Not because she’s a particularly good cook, but because she serves BLUE MILK. Yes, you read that right: blue motherfucking milk. Watching Luke pour himself a glass of blue milk from some sort of space jug made my head spin when I was a kid – what the fuck kind of creature did this milk come from? What did it taste like? How could I get some? The droids and spaceships were cool, but it was the blue milk that made me believe.

The Star Wars movies are rich in this kind of stuff and, to be honest, this could easily be a top fifty, but I’ve tried to limit myself. Watch this space (heh) for the top ten unsung moments from Empire and Jedi (and a special surprise forth installment!) which will be coming in the next week or so, but until then lemmie know your favorite moments from A New Hope in the comments section below. End transmission.