10. Worst, robot, ever – Superman III

Superman III is not a good film. By any stretch of the imagination. The entire film is deeply, deeply flawed with a third rate Lex Luthor trying to monopolise the world’s coffee supply whilst Richard Pryor gurns and skis (more on that later) his way through the movie. The end of the film has Superman battling a robot (I forget how it gets here, but it’s not important.) Now, Superman has fought robots before (paging Metallo…) but this has got to be the worst robot the Man of Tomorrow ever faced, but also one of the worst robots well, ever.

9. “Put my daddy down!” – Superman II

Richard Lester is an Englishman who likes silliness and lowbrow comedy. Why, then, he was chosen to replace Richard Donner (who had already shot at least half of the movie) on Superman II. His ineptitude when it comes to adapting an American comic book reaches its nadir when the Kryponian badguys led by General Zod roll into a small midwestern town and begin running riot. Fair enough. There’s a moment when Zod and co. use some sort of telekinisis to raise a local farmhand about 20 feet in the hair and his tousel-haired son begs Zod to put him down. Again, fair enough, Except that Lester decided to cast the most English boy he could find, with a cut glass accent, to play said farmboy. So we have an American midwest farm town populated by English public schoolboys. Superfail. In the Donner cut, this scene is replaced with a kickass assault on the White House by Zod and pals, which is way, way cooler.

8. Lex Luthor: bald or not? – Superman IV: The Quest For Peace

This is something I’ve never seen referrenced anywhere else and I seem to be the only one who’s noticed it, which confuses me greatley since it sticks out like a sore thumb. In Superman and Superman II (not to mention Superman Returns) Lex Luthor is bald and ashamed of the fact so he wears various wigs to cover his bald head. Now, Gene Hackman had a full head of hair when he played Luthor for the first and second times, he used his own hair for the scenes when Luthor wore a wig and wore a baldcap for the bald scenes. However, in the years that passed between Superman and Superman IV, Gene Hackman had gone bald somewhat and declined to wear a wig. Therefore, in storyline terms, Luthor is wearing a wig with a bald spot and a high hairline to hide the fact that he is bald. I can’t seriously be the only one who noticed that!

7. Richard Pryor: Shins of Steel – Superman III

Christopher Reeve was perfectly cast as the Man of Steel, but the *real* Man of Steel in the Superman movies was Gus Gorman, the nerdy computer programmer played by Richard Pryor. Now, let me say that Pryor was a funny, funny man and he turns in a decent comedy performance in Superman III, but the script and direction let him down. There’s a scene where Gorman is on skis and ends up skiing of the top of a building, falling at least 50 stories before landing on an awning, breaking through, and landing on the street, on his feet. He makes a “comedy” pained face and walks away. Really. Superman is a Kryptonian uber-mensch, and yet he at least registers pain from time to time.

6. Piss on the entire point of the story… to save a few bucks – Superman II

Superman, at its heart, was a movie about a son with two fathers, both of which are lost to him. His real dad, Jor-El sacrifices himself to give his son a chance for life and his adoptive dad, Jonathan Kent (played by the great Glenn Ford) has a heart attack and dies when Clark is in his teens, giving Clark the motivation to become a hero: “all these powers and I couldn’t even save him.” It’s actually pretty powerful stuff, Jor-El’s speeches from across time and space to his son, telling him “you will make my strength your own. You will see my life through your eyes, as your life will be seen through mine. The son becomes the father and the father, the son.” The entire movie is based on this idea, with Clark fufilling the potential and claiming his birthright. Then, in the first sequel, Supes goes to the Fortress of Solitude and suddenly his mother and a random Kryptonian (who was against Jor-El in the original, and yet is now teaching his son) show up. All to save a few dollars by not hiring Marlon Brando again (even though the movie was bound to make a million billion bucks.) Thankfully, Richard Donner corrected this mistake when he was allowed to recut the movie and insert the footage he had shot that Laster rejected.

5. The Opening Sequence of – Superman III

Speaking of Richard Lester, if you ever needed more proof of his towering unsuitability for a Superman movie, look no further than the opening sequence of Superman III. To be fair, it’s a remarkable bit of slapstick cinema, but it’s so out of place in a Superman movie, neglecting to use to classic Superman swoopy blue credits or even John Williams’s stirring Superman march, opting instead to use a completley unmemorable peice of music and credits that look they were made using Windows Movie Maker. American TV execs may be idiots, but even they had the sense to replace the opening with something more in line with the first two and dubbing in a pretty kick ass version of the Superman theme. The strangest thing, and I’ve got no way to prove this, is the odd British-ness of the actors falling over, almost being drowned on dry land and being pied in the face. Metropolis is in America, right? And yet these people look like they’d be more at home in the Rovers’ Return.

6. Superman = Jesus – Superman Returns

There’s always been a bit of a messianic overtone with the Superman story – baby is born who shows extraordinary powers whilst growing up and goes on to save the world. But this has always been in the background, overlooked by kids who love the flying and stuff, but noticed by more astute viewers, giving the story another dimension to enjoy. Superman strikes the balance between fun and subtext prefectly, but, when the time came to make Superman Returns, Bryan Singer decided to beat us over the head with the message, at the expense of a lot of the fun stuff.

5. The Kents are strange – Superman: The Movie

Speaking of the Superman origin story, do the Kent’s actions upon finding young Kal-El strike anyone else as a bit… peculiar? Imagine you were in their place. You’re driving along and something explodes nearby. You stop to investigate and discover a young naked boy who can lift a truck above his head. Any reasonable person would look at this as being a tad weird and would probably drop this devil child off at the nearest police station or hospital. But no, what the Kents do is take this kid home with them and raise him as an All-American boy. With superpowers.

4. Superman rebuilds the Great Wall… with mind bullets! – Superman IV

Superman’s powers: flight, super strength, super speed, x-ray vision, heat vision, super breath, super hearing, super smell and enchanced stamina. I see nothing about telekenis in that list, and yet in Superman IV, following the destruction of the Great Wall of China, the Metropolis Marvel displays a hithero-unseen abilty to move objects with him mind (and a strange blue laser beam thing), rebuilding the Great Wall in a matter of seconds. He later uses this ability to levitate falling people and lower them safely to the ground. The Quest For Peace is undoubtedly one of the worst movies ever made, but the way it messes around with Superman’s powers annoys me greatley. That said, every Superman movie ever made does the same thing, ascribing to Supes powers that his creators never dreamed of. And after reading the next two entries on this list, I think you’ll agree that Superman’s mind over matter in VI is the least of our problems.

3. Clark Kent and the Rohypnol kiss – Superman II and Superman IV

Clark Kent, the All-American farmboy who grew up, moved to the big city and, paragon of virtue that he is, would never say boo to a goose, can a pretty creepy guy. Never more so than at the end of Superman II and again in Superman IV when he kisses Lois Lane with a mouthful of roofie saliva that makes Lois forget everything that has just happened. What I want to know is, does he ever get tempted to misuse this? Does he scour nightclubs and back alleys, picking up women and having his way with them before planting the kiss of forgetfulness on them? Or does he ever put it to good use, smacking supervillains on the lips making them forget their evil plans? It might be a bit wierd, but that would save him a hell of a lot of legwork. Like, for example, at the end of Superman when Luthor tells Big Blue about the missles, why didn’t Superman pucker up and plant one on Luthor, making him forget his entire evil scheme?

2. Turning the world back – Superman

Ok, so we’ve seen Telekenitic Superman and Flunitrazepam Superman, let’s try Time Travel Superman on for size. At the end of the first movie, Superman saves the day and puts wrong to right, but Lois Lane dies in the process. So, Supes flies up into space and flies backward around the world so quickly that the planet spins backward, turning back time, bringing Lois back to life. How this doesn’t case the faultline to reopen, the valley to reflood and how Supes doesn’t meet himself is glossed over and not mentioned. It also makes Superman look like a bit of a douche, that he’s willing to fuck with history in order to bring his chain-smoking, hatchet-faced crush back to life. So, yeah, in addition to ESP and Rohypnol saliva, the Superman of the movies is also capable of turning back time. Again, why does he never use this power again. Lex Luthor is threatening to destroy New York with a lazer but I don’t want to miss the end of Dr. Who, so I’ll just let him go ahead and do it; I can always turn the world back and stop him.

1. The polythene “S” – Superman II

And so it comes to this – the single most idiotic moment in a series full of such moments. The end of Superman II.  After somehow creating holographic versions of himself to fool General Zod and his cohorts – a WTF moment in itself – Superman peels the “S” off of his chest and throws it, fresbee style, at Zod’s retarded henchman, causing it to wrap around him and trap him in a giant red and yellow polythene bag. He falls to the ground and seconds later the bag disintergates and the guy’s ready to attack again. Family Guy put it best: “that was a minor inconveince.” Without doubt, the silliest moment in the entire series and truly deserving of the top place of today’s list. Not only is it idiotic, but insulting to the viewer’s intelligence – and that, even in a comic book movie, is unforgivable since it destroys any sense of verismillitude or suspension of disbelief that the viewer has developed. That said, there’s so much idiocy in Superman II that it’s close to impossible to build up any suspension of disbelief at all. Thank fuck then, for the Richard Donner cut, which cut out 99% of this nonsense and presents us with, shock horror, a pretty good movie.

Superman: The Movie, Superman II: The Richard Donner Cut and Superman Returns are all good movies, but it’s a real shame that only one Superman movie is truly great (the first, of course). The first would be the definitive Superman movie if the studio had allowed Donner to use his original ending – Superman saves the day and the missle thrown into space knocks Zod and co. out of the Phantom Zone and brings them to earth, setting up a cliffhanger for the second movie and also eliminating the stupid time travel and forgetful kisses. The Donner cut of Superman II opens with the original ending of Superman and ends with the Kryptonian villains killing Lois, causing Supes to do his time travel trick, which whilst still annoying, works a lot better than in the original movie. In any case, that’s our top ten worst Superman movie moments. I know I missed the whole “breathing in space” thing from Quest For Peace, and if that bugs you, let me know below. End transmission.

10. Lieutennant Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica

An obvious knock off of Han Solo from the Star Wars trilogy, the ace Viper pilot Lt. Starbuck nonetheless is cool enough to make the list. Played by Dirk “Face from off of The A-Team” Bennedict in the grad tradition of Flash Gordon-esque swashbuckling sci fi heroes, the popularity of Starbuck apparently pissed Richard Hatch off, who felt that his character of Apollo was being sidelined to make room for more episodes starring Bennedict.

9. Captain Jean-Luc Picard from Star Trek: The Next Generation

A bit of a controversial one here since there are those who think that Picard should be in the top spot on this list, but for my money, Picard’s in his rightful place at number nine. A man who would seemingly rather sit in his ready room and hold meetings rather than actually, yanno, *do* something, Picard has nonetheless negotiated his way into saving the universe a couple times and for that he is worthy of inclusion.

8. The T-800 from Terminator 2: Judgement Day

The only character on this list to have been both the baddie and the goodie, Schwarzenegger’s heroic T-800 from T2 has become a pop cultural icon and one of the most parodied characters in cinema history. After fighting on the side of Skynet in the first movie, the Austrian Oak returned, reprogrammed and fighting the good fight in the sequel.

7. Flash Gordon

dumdumdumdumdumdumdum FLASH! Ah-ahhhh! He’ll save every one us! Well, he’s been saving every one of us in books, comics, radio, TV shows, and movies since 1934 and it doesn’t look like he’s planning to stop any time soon. Created by Alex Raymond (one of the most underrated and unappreciated men in comics history) the “saviour of the universe” has been battling the forces of Emperor Ming in every form of media and Freddie Mercury was not using hyperbole when he described Flash as “king of the impossible.”

6. Han Solo from Star Wars

The role that made Harrison Ford a star. Be honest, who hasn’t wanted to be Han Solo at some point in their life? The coolest guy ever to wear a waistcoat and buddies with a death dealing walking carpet, the cocky smuggler Han Solo is undoubtedly the best character in Star Wars. He’s at his best in A New Hope when he’s arrogant, wisecracking and absolutley 100% uninterested in the Rebellion’s cause. His character becomes watered down the more into the rebellion he gets, but he still maintains that smuggler cool, even when he’s being upstaged by Ewoks.

5. Mr. Spock from Star Trek

Flawlessly logical and endlessly cool (in the “as a cucumber” sense of the word) the half Vulcan-half human Mr. Spock was Captain Kirk’s second-in-command and right-hand-man. Acting as a calm and rational counterpoint to the passion and emotion of Kirk and Dr. McCoy, Spock was absolutley invaluable to both the fictional sucess of the Enterprise’s missions and the very real sucess of Star Trek.

4. Luke Skywalker from Star Wars

He was never as cool as Han Solo, but from a heroic standpoint Luke places higher than Han. The son of Darth Vader and brother of Princess Leia, Luke’s journey from simple farmboy to Jedi Knight is – despite what Lucas might say about Vader and/or the droids – the true story being told in the original Star Wars trilogy. The real trick Lucas played with Luke was casting Mark Hamill, an actor capable of going from gormless boy to mature and confident man. Whether he’s destroying the Death Star in ANH, trying to save his friends in TESB or redeeming his father in ROTJ, Luke is the real hero in the Star Wars trilogy.

3. Superman

Some of his powers and adventures might be more fantasy than science fiction, but his origin is pure scifi. The last son of Krypton, sent to earth from his dying home planet as a child in a rocketship built by his scientist father, Superman has saved his adoptive home – not to mention the entire universe – on occasions innumerable. Constantly threatened by evil geniuses, mechanical robots, giant apes and interdimensional tricksters, Superman also has to face some very human problems such as dealing with his boss, his pushy girlfriend and his nerdish friends. Known as the Man of Steel, the Man of Tomorrow and, ocassionaly, the Metropolis Marvel, Superman is not only comic’s greatest hero, but also one of science fiction’s.

2. Captain James T. Kirk from Star Trek

Every so often a character and an actor become so inextricably linked that it’s impossible for any other actor to play the role. Chris Pine learned this the hard way when he tried to essay the role of Jim Kirk in the 2009 Star Trek reboot. Now and forever, Captain Kirk and William Shatner are all but one and the same. Kirk is the classic image of the authoritarian who’s not afraid to play by his own rules when the going gets tough. Captain, of course, of the USS Enterprise, Kirk has saved the galaxy more times than I’ve had hot dinners.

1. The Doctor from Dr. Who

If Captain Kirk is the epitome of a sci fi hero in a uniform, then the Doctor is the ultimate sci fi renegade. The Gallifreyan Time Lord has probably saved the universe more times than anyone, and yet can be a bit of a bastard himself – stealing the TARDIS, almost strangling his companion Peri, frequently losing his temper and being guilty of some shocking wardrobe choices. Played by eleven actors (so far) – Peter Davidson, Matt Smith, Patrick Troughton and Jon Pertwee being some of my favorites – my all time favorite Doctor however is Colin Baker. Sadly Baker was never given much of a chance in the role (Timothy Dalton comes to mind) and the scripts he was given let him down somewhat, but he was brilliant in the role, pitching his performance somewhere between the grumpiness of Hartnel, the quirkiness of Tom Baker and the nice-guy-ness of Davidson. In any case, the character of the Doctor is without question science fiction’s greatest hero and one of its most beloved characters.

Whether we’re being attacked by Ming the Merciless, the Cybermen, the Klingons or Lex Luthor, we can always count one of of these guys to save the day. This list could easily have been a top twenty, so whittling it down to just ten wasn’t easy. Annoyed that I’ve missed out one of your favorites? Let me know your thoughts below. End transmission.

10. Ronald Reagan IS… Rick Blaine!

Eventually played by: Humphrey Bogart

To be honest, there’s every chance this is just Hollywood bullshit, but there’s a rumor that wont go away that future president Ronald Reagan was offered the lead in Casablanca, but turned it down. With Reagan in the lead, it would’ve been an acceptable movie; Bogart made it a classic. That said, Bogart became one of the most popular movie stars ever and Regan somehow became one of the most (bafflingly) popular presidents ever, so all’s well that ends well, I guess.

9. Tom Selleck IS… Indiana Jones!

Eventually played by: Harrison Ford

To be honest, this one might have worked. Selleck has that same laconic charm as Harrison Ford (although, admittedly, he has far less of it) and if we couldn’t have Ford, Selleck would’ve done. That said, I don’t think it would’ve turned into the franchise it became with Selleck in the lead.

8. Laurence Olivier IS… Don Corleone!

Eventually played by: Marlon Brando

Another one that I kinda see working. Someone on IMDB commented that Olivier would’ve acted rather than stuffing his cheeks with cotton wool and mumbling, but that’s a bit unfair, methinks. Brando turned in an incredible performance, but surley I’m not the only one who’d love to see what the world’s greatest Shakesperian would’ve done with the role.

7. James Cagney IS… Robin Hood!

Eventually played by: Errol Flynn

Ok, so now we’re getting into the stuff I really don’t see working. Whilst making A Midsummer Night’s Dream with Cagney as Bottom, a studio exec suggested Cagney as Robin Hood. Had Cagney not walked off the Warner Bros. lot, he would’ve been the man in tights and Erroll Flynn would’ve been an also-ran. Cagney is one of my favorite actors, but I can’t imagine him in green tights spitting out dialouge about Normans and Saxons and “every free man in England” in his stacatto Bronx accent.

6. Nicholas Cage IS… Superman!

Eventually played by: Brandon Routh

Believe it or not, there was a while there when the next Superman movie was going to be Kevin Smith’s Superman Lives directed by Tim Burton and starring Nicholas Cage as the Man of Steel. Tim Burton being Tim Burton, this wouldn’t have been a Superman story as we know them, but it would’ve been a Burtonised nightmare starring a hero that looks like that picture above. Still think Brandon Routh sucked?

5. Robert Redford IS… Rocky Balboa!

Eventually played by: Sylvester Stallone

When Sylvester Stallone pitched Rocky to studio executives they were all over the idea like a dog eating beetroot, but with one condition. They didn’t want Stallone – previously seen in only softcore porn and Corman exploitation – playing the lead in his own movie and would much rather have a bankable star as Rocky. Their first choice? Robert Redford. The blonde haired, blue eyed Sundance festival founder as the Itallian Stallion? Apollo would’ve put his ass on the mat in the first round.

4. Christopher Walken IS… Han Solo!

Eventually played by: Harrison Ford.

The part of Han Solo was offered to Harrison Ford, Kurt Russell and Christopher Walken. With Russell in the part I reckon the trilogy would’ve gone ahead much as it did, but with Christopher Walken Captain Solo is something I really can’t imagine. Walken, as awesome as he is, just doesn’t have the laconic charm to play the rougeish Han Solo.

3. Al Pacino IS… John Rambo!

Eventually played by: Sylvester Stallone.

Let me first say that the Rambo of the movies is something very different from the Rambo of the book “First Blood” by David Morrell and, in a pervese sort of way, I can kinda see Al Pacino as the Rambo of the novel, but as the Rambo of the movies – especially First Blood Part II and Rambo III – Al Pacino is about the last guy I’d put in that role. Can you really see Tony Montana stripped to the waist sporting a bandana, a bandolier and a Browning? Thought not.

EDIT: Since posting this, I’ve noticed the astonishing similarity between the two pictures above.  Creepy…

2. Frank Sinatra IS… Harry Callahan!

Eventually played by: Clint Eastwood.

Sinatra might have done it his way, but saints be praised Clint got to do Dirty Harry HIS way. To be fair, Sinatra – in a round about sort of way – played John McLane long before Bruce Willis did (no, really, swear to god – see below) but by the time the seventies rolled around and Dirty Harry went into production, Ol’ Blue Eyes was a little too old to play the eponymous detective. That said, Charles Bronson was pretty awesome in Death Wish despite his advanced years, but seriously, can you really see the Chairman of the Board wielding a .44 Magnum and asking punks if they feel lucky?

1. Adam West IS… James Bond!

Eventually played by: George Lazenby

Yup, you read that right, Adam West was approached to take over from Sean Connery but declined saying that he felt Bond should be British. Now, hear me out. I think Adam West could’ve been a great Bond – he certainly was good looking enough (and certainly looked the part – look at that picture, just add a gun and you have 007), could handle himself physically and was great with a one liner, but perhaps it’s for the best that he never took the part. Among others considered for the role are Richard Burton, Jeremy Brett (if only), Oliver Reed, Christopher Reeve, Burt Reynolds, James Brolin, Steve Reeves (!), Ewan McGregor, Clint Eastwood (really) and Sam Neil.

A note on the Frank Sinatra/John McLane:
John McLane – or, as he was originally named Joe Leland – first appeared in the novel “The Detective” by Roderick Thorp. This movie was made into a film starring Frankie. The novel’s sequel “Nothing Lasts Forever” became the basis for Die Hard with the character renamed John McLane and played by Bruce Willis.

Anyway, leave a comment if you have anything interesting to say. Hell, leave a comment even if you don’t. Something on comics soon, I swear! End transmission.

An promised: something on comics. Unless he’s a guy like Superman, Thor or Captain Marvel, your average superhero is often limited to just one or two specialised powers – the Flash, for example can run really fast, but that’s it. It makes sense, therefore, for superheroic types to team up and form groups in order to better combat crime. Submitted for your approval: the top ten superhero teams. Onward!

10. THE HOWLING COMMANDOS

Notable members: Nick Fury, Dum Dum Dugan, Izzy Cohen, Dino Maneli and Rebel Ralston.
Before Nick Fury was an agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. and before he looked like Samuel L. Jackson, he was the leader of the Howling Commandos, a group of soldiers during WW2. Originally made up of human GIs, a later version of the group took a more supernatural bent with members including Nina Price, N’Kantu, Gorilla-Man and Frankenstein’s Monster.

9. THE DEFENDERS

Notable members: Doctor Strange, the Incredible Hulk, Namor and the Silver Surfer.
A group of heroes known more as individuals than team players, the Defenders were first brought together by Roy Thomas and Ross Andru in Marvel Feature #1. Other notable members have included Hawkeye, Hellcat, Beast and Luke Cage.

8. THE JUSTICE SOCIETY OF AMERICA

Notable members: The Flash, Doctor Fate, Green Lantern, Mister America, Doctor Mid-Nite and Liberty Belle.
The original superhero team, making their first apperance in 1940 and featuring the classic Golden Age versions of the Flash and the Green Lantern, the Justice Society of America were the prototype for every team that followed. An updated version of the team appeared in 1999 with members such as Stargirl, Hourman, Judomaster and Power Girl.

7. THE GREEN LANTERN CORPS.

Notable members: Alan Scott, Hal Jordan, Kyle Rayner, John Stewart, Kilowog and Guy Gardner.
Less a team and more an orginisation, the Green Lantern Corps operate as a sort of intergalactic police squad, patrolling their assigned planets and keeping the peace. Members of the GLC have also been members of other groups, most famously Hal Jordan in the JLA and Alan Scott in the JSA.

6. THE MINUTEMEN/THE WATCHMEN

Notable members: Rorsach, Ozymandias, Nite Owl, the Comedian, Captain Manhattan and the Silk Spectre.
Known as the Minutemen in the comics and the Watchmen in the movie, the characters of Watchmen are among the most layered and interesting in comics. Inspired by various characters from classic comics, the characters from Watchmen are, thanks to the success of the movie adaptation, almost as well known to casual audiences as Superman and Batman.

5. THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN

Notable members: Mina Harker, Doctor Henry Jekyll/Edward Hyde, Alan Quatermain, Captain Nemo and Hawley Griffin.
A group of Victorian literary characters brought together by Alan Moore to protect the intrests of the British Empire. Employed by Mycroft (bother of Sherlock) Holmes, the League have encountered many famous characters, including Victorian characters John Carter of Mars, Fu Manchu and more recent characters such as James Bond, Emma Peel and Bulldog Drummond.

4. THE X-MEN

Notable members: Cyclops, Wolverine, Storm, Iceman, Shadowcat, Emma Frost, Beast and Jean Grey.
More famous now for Hugh Jackman than as a comic series, the X-Men are nonetheless a classic superhero team. Certainly the most diverse of all the groups of heroes, the X-Men were created by comics gods Stan Lee and Jack Kirby in 1963 are have remained one of the House of Ideas’ most enduring creations with what seems like seventy four million spin off comic book series and four hit movies of varying quality.

3. THE FANTASTIC FOUR

Notable members: Mister Fantastic, the Human Torch, the Thing, the Invisible Girl.
The first hero group of the modern age of comics, the FF were revolutionary when they were introduced as the were the first heroes not to wear costumes (at first) and whose secret identities were known to everyone. Led by Reed “Mr. Fantastic” Ricards, the FF were granted their powers when their experimental spaceship was bombarded by “cosmic rays.”

2. THE AVENGERS

Notable members: Captain America, Thor, Iron Man, Giant Man and the Wasp.
I’ve written before on this very blog about the Avengers and they’re one on my favorite superhero teams. First appearing in 1963, the Avengers have undergone more roster changes than almost any other group of heroes, but the classic Cap/Thor/Iron Man trio at the heart of the team is one of the most enduring partnerships in comics.

1. THE JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA

Notable members: Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, the Flash, the Green Lantern, Hawk Man and Aquaman.
For sheer star power alone, the JLA make the top spot on our list. The list of past and present members reads like a who’s who of DC comics, with everyone from Supergirl to the Martian Manhunter joining the roster at one time or another. Formed in 1960 by the great Gardner Fox in The Brave and the Bold #28, the JLA have been protecting the world in one form or another ever since.

I guess the message here is even superheroes get lonley sometimes. Either that or might makes right, but that’s a tad too facistic for my taste, so we’ll stick to the first one. In any case, lemmie know your thoughts below and stay tuned for the next thrilling installment of the never ending top ten series. End transmission.

10. GREEN LANTERN

First up on today’s list is a costume that’s less a costume and more a uniform. The original Alan Scott Green Lantern costume wasn’t gonna cut it in the sci-fi oriented Silver Age and so the costume was revamped into the slick and streamlined green and black still worn today by the Green Lantern Corps.

9. CLASSIC X-MEN

Ah, 1963. It was a simpler time, when comic book heroes were too busy saving the universe to worry about angst and guilt and crap like that. A time when Stan Lee and Jack Kirby created some of the greatest characters of all time and when comic book teams actually functioned as teams. Enter the X-Men, clad in their classic blue and yellow – a design so iconic that Kitty Pryde’s current costume pays tribute to the Kirby costumes.

8. GREEN ARROW

Ok, so it’s not the most original design but is there any other costume in comics that tells you everything you need to know about the wearer quite as well as the Robin Hood costume worn by the Green Arrow? It just screams swashbuckling adventure and sets up the character and his adventures perfectly. Green Arrow sometimes gets a bad rap by more “serious” comic fans, but (as usual) they’re missing the point.

7. IRON MAN

Wether it’s the original clunky armour, the sleek red and glod redesign, the Silver Centurion armour or even the current movie armour, one thing has always been consistant when it comes to Iron Man. He’s always had freakin’ sweet costumes. Don’t worry about how the hell he can move whilst wearing what is essentially a suit of armour, just sit back and appreciate the awesomness.

6. SPIDER-WOMAN

From way out of left field comes the most obscure choice on the list, that of Jessica Drake’s Spider-Woman. It would’ve been the easiest thing in the world for Buscema and Infantino to have drawn Spider-Man with boobs and called it Spider-Woman, but instead they created one of the best – and strangely sexy – female superhero designs ever. The triangular design on the torso bring to mind the markings of a black widow spider and the “cape” brings up memories of the original Steve Ditko Spidey. Great stuff.

5. CAPTAIN AMERICA

The stars and stripes look is an oft used design in superhero costuming, but it’s never been done quite as well as the Jack Kirby design for Captain America. The bucaneer boots, the chainmail shirt, the winged cowl and the shield all add up to a classic and iconic costume. The only misstep is the “A” on the forehead, a minor detail granted, but one that lost the costume a higher place on the list.

4. THE FLASH

The Flash’s costume is one of the most basic designs in comics, and yet when the Flash streaks across the page in a faster than light blur of red and yellow it is a thing of simplistic beauty. The original helmet wearing Flash of the Golden Age was a cool design for it’s time, but the fact that the Flash’s costume hasn’t changed since 1956 speaks volumes for the “less is more” design of the costume.

3. SPIDER-MAN

From the simplest design in comics to one of the most intricate, Spider-Man has undergone many costume changes over the years, but wether it’s the black suit, the spider armour, the Scarlet Spider or the Iron Spider, he always end up going back to the classic red and blue. Designed by Steve Ditko, the iconic Spider-Man costume first seen in Amazing Fantasy #15 is the best Marvel comics costume bar none.

2. BATMAN

Despite the fact that there’s been hundreds of variations of the suit since his first apperance in 1939, Batman’s suits have consistently been some of the coolest in comics. Wether it’s the original Bill Finger design, the Carime Infantino redesign, the Adam West lavender tights of the sixties TV show, the rubber suits of the movies or the current comics costume, Batman’s suits are always cool, but my favorite it the version designed by Bruce Timm for Batman: The Animated Series. When it comes to the Batsuit, “iconic” is too small a word.

1. SUPERMAN

When you consider that Superman was the first comic book character and that his costume has barely changed since 1938 it’s clear to see why the red, blue and yellow holds the number one spot on this list. Take one pair of blue tights with a red and yellow S on the chest, throw in some red boots, underwear on the outside and a badass cape and you have the best costume in comics. It’s rare enough for a comic book character to become a pop culture icon, but it’s rarer still for a costume or logo to become part of the pop culture lexicon, but that’s exactly what Supes’ cape and tights have done, themselves becoming synonomous with the ideals of truth, justice and the American way.

10. TITANO

Kicking of our look at the Man of Steel’s greatest enemies is a blast from the late Golden Age past, Titano: the Super-Ape! Obviously inspired by King Kong, Titano is a giant gorilla with a difference: this hirstute hominid can shoot beams of Kryptonite radiation from his eyes. Don’t ask why, just chalk it up the madness that swept through DC like wildfire in the fifties and move on.

9. MISTER MXYZPTLK

Created by Sigel and Shuster and a thorn in the side of Superman since the early days, Mr. Mxyzptlk has confounded comics fans for decades, inspiring conversaiton, debate and sometimes fistfights over how exactly you prounounce the little bastard’s name. See, the only way to send him back to whatever mystical dimension he came from is to say his name backwards, which is bloody difficult when you can’t even say it forward. My two cents? “Mix-pick-ill-ick.”

8. MONGUL

Leader of an alien race who had a habit of stealing superweapons pre-crisis and leader of an alien race with a penchant for gladatorial combat post-crisis, Mongul is one of the few DC badguys to have captured the Big Blue Boy Scout. Possessed of superman strength rivaling that of Supes himself and able to withstand almost any physical attack, Mongul also has telepathic abilities and can teleport himself from one end of the univese to the other. Handy stuff when your enemy can fly from one place to another in a seventh of a second.

7. DARKSEID

Created by Marvel legend Jack “King” Kirby, Darkseid is, despite his rather sillily spelled name, a pretty badass dude. A perennial pain in the arse of not only Supey, but also (and more famously) the New Gods, Darkseid was allegedly based on Jack “pick up the gun” Palance which is so unspeakably cool that that alone earns him a spot on the list, but that fact coupled with the equally awesome fact that Darkseid and his fellow New Gods provided the basis for the Masters of the Universe movie (more so than the cartoon it was based on) puts the D-man at number seven.

6. METALLO

A former small time crook who, after being mangled in a car accident, had his brain tranfereed to a Kryptonite-powered metal body and was given one instruction: kill Superman. And that’s exactly what he set out to do. Powerful to such an extent that Supes is about the only hero who can handle him, Metallo presents a genuine threat to the Man of Steel; indeed, he has all but crippled Supes on more than one ocassion. It’s the Kryptonite heart that does it, ya see. A quick word on Kryptonite, incidentally, how much must it suck for Superman that the only souveneirs of his home world he has to hand can kill him? Weak, man. Weak.

5. BIZARRO

Welcome to Bizarro world, bitches. A world where the Yanks got Cliff Richard and we got Elvis, where Sir Rogers was a better Bond than Sir Sean and where the Man of Steel is a weird looking white guy with a Z on his chest. In current DC continuity (try to follow this) Bizarro was created when the Joker stole Mr. Mxyzptlk’s powers and creates “Jokerworld” a version of Earth with him as supreme ruler and Bizarro in the role Superman fills on Earth. When Mixpickleick got his powers back he decided to be a nice guy about it and let Bizarro stay on Earth to piss Supes off and grant me endless hours of lulz at Bizarro’s expense.

4. BRAINIAC

The man (if you can call him a man) responsible for the shrinking of Kandor and who has a more complicated backstory than almost any other comics villain, Braniac, everybody’s favorite green skinned android, makes the list at number four. Making his first apperance in 1958, Braniac has undergone more retcons and character shifts than almost anyone going from a green bald dude who liked to shrink cities to a “swarm of interlinked nanotechnological units.” Who likes to shrink cities. Nah, he doesn’t do that anymore, but it’s a shame that he doesn’t because isn’t that an utterly bastardly thing to do? Anyway, Braniac’s name has entered the lexicon and is used by people who have no knowledge of comics whatsoever, which makes him iconic without his really trying. Put it this way, people don’t say “nice move, Atomic Skull.”

3. DOOMSDAY

Doomsday holds a very special distinction when it comes to comic book villains because he’s the guy who managed to do what no other badguy had done before: kill Superman. Created for the express purpose of doing in the Last Son of Krypton by Dan Jurgens for the never-bettered Death of Superman arc, Doomsday is himself a Kryptonian who knows no pain, no fear, no pity, no remorse and lives for the malicious thrill of destruction. A being of pure, unadulterated evil is what we’re dealing with here, not a clown or a guy who can’t handle heat. Those guys are pussies compared to Doomsday.

2. GENERAL ZOD

Zod is a Kryptonian criminal who was sent to the Phantom Zone by Jor-El. Escaping and heading to Earth years later, Zod attempts to avenge himself by killing Jor-El’s son, Kal-El – Superman to his friends. Possessed of all the same powers as the Man of Tomorrow, Zod is probably Superman’s most evenly matched enemy, but Zod has an edge – his finey honed military mind, edged with megalomanical criminality. Played to utter, utter perfection by Terence Stamp in the otherwise-woeful Superman II, I’ll leave the last word to the man himself: “come to me, son of Jor-El! KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!!!”

1. LEX LUTHOR

Making his first apperance (as “Luthor” – no first name) in Action Comics #23, and apperaring in Superman comics, TV shows and movies to this day, Lex Luthor is the Man of Steel’s oldest and most consistent foe. Well, I say consistent, but like all great comic book characters sexy Lexy has undergone changes both major and minor over the decades. Originaly a labcoat wearing mad scientist straight out of a latter day Universal horror, Luthor has evolved into a corrupt businessman, an evil industrialist, the President of the United States and, most recently back to a mad scientist. Apperaring in every Superman movie except Superman vs the Mole Men and Superman III, every Superman cartoon series, every Superman TV series and a major player in comics since 1940. Played on screen by some brilliant actors including Gene Hackman and Kevin Spacey, Luthor is Superman’s greatest enemy, which might just make him comic’s greatest villain.

That’s the Man of Tomorrow and the Dark Knight’s rouge’s gallery covered, might do a top ten Marvel badguys next. Comments would be nice – gimmie your thoughts below. End transmission.