10. Jaws: The Revenge (1987): “This time it’s personal.”

For sheer ridiculosity, the infamous Jaws 4 tagline kickstarts our list. “This time it’s personal?” Isn’t this a film about a friggin’ fish? How can a bloody fish hold a grudge? Of course, the sensible conclusion is that the tagline refers to the Brody family, not the shark, but that’s no fun. That said, in the film, the shark follows Ellen Brody’s plane from Amity to the Bahamas, so maybe the tag does refer to the shark after all.

9. The Prey (1984): “It’s not human, and it’s got an axe!”

Bullshit. As anyone who’s sat through this craptastic movie can tell you, the killer IS human and only uses an axe once, but when the tagline is this awesome, does it really matter? Of course not – as long as it got bums in seats, who the hell cares?

8. Night of the Demons (1988): “Angela is having a party. Jason and Freddy are too afraid to come, but you’ll have a hell of a time.”

Proof positive that horror movies were doing the self referential thing long before Scream, the tagline for Night of the Demons always makes me smile. The film itself is a pretty standard tits n’ gore affair which was remade not long ago with Shannon Elizabeth and Edward “what happened to my career?” Furlong but it – quite predictably – flopped.

7. The Evil Dead (1981): “The ultimate experience in gruelling terror!”

A tagline every bit as over the top and gloriously excessive as the film it was advertising, the first Evil Dead movie doesn’t exactly live up to the hype, but it’s still a great, if a little slow to start, movie. I almost typed “the film that made a star out of Bruce Campbell” but I think, “the film that made a cult icon out of Bruce Campbell” is more appropriate, The Evil Dead remains a fantasticaly creative debut from Sam Spider-Man Raimi.

6. Polergeist (1982): “They’re here.”

Right, first things first, I don’t like the movie Poltergeist. It starts off promisingly enough, but it all gets a bit sweet and cutesy with midget mediums and that whole sequence with the ghosts coming down the stairs.  Plus, the amount of product placement makes it seem like one long advert for Star Wars.  Tobe Hooper hasn’t made a good movie since his first and comparing that to this, I can’t bring myself to believe he had much say in the direction of Poltergeist. It feels much more like a Speilberg movie than something from the director of Texas Chain Saw. That said, the tagline’s a classic, working on much the same level as Halloween‘s.

5. Nightmare on Elm Street (1984): “If Nancy doesn’t wake up screaming, she won’t wake up at all.”

At our movie nights, my mates and I are currently working our way though the Nightmare on Elm Street series. We’re at number five at the moment and so far my favorites have been one and three. Two has a wierd subtext (if you’ve seen it you’ll know what I mean) and four is, well it’s ok, I suppose. Anyway, the tagline for the original tells you everything you need to know about the film you’re going to see and sums up the movie’s atmosphere of uneasiness perfectly.

4. Hellraiser (1987): “He’ll tear your soul apart.”

Speaking of movie nights, our host James “glory hole” Boyd (sorry mate) is a huge fan of the Hellraiser franchise and it’s easy to see why. The Cenobites, especially Pinhead, are some of the coolest and most scary horror characters ever. The best thing about the Hellraiser tagline though is the implication that Pinhead is a new kind of monster – previous guys would tear your body apart, but this guy’ll tear your fuckin’ soul apart.

3. The Thing (1982): “Man is the warmest place to hide.”

It’s not a warning, it’s not a threat, it’s a statement of fact which hints at the suggestion that, should the Thing decide to hide in you, there’s not going to be a very great deal you can do about it. John Carpenter’s best film (for my money) and one of the few remakes to surpass the original, there’s talk of a prequel coming out in the near future. Dunno how true that is, but if a prequel does come out, there’s no way it’ll have a tagline half as good as this.

2. Re-Animator (1985): “Herbert West has a good head on his shoulders… and another one on his desk.”

The best taglines reflect the film they’re advertising and this is one of the very best – as darkly comedic as the film itself. This tagline reminds me of the It’s Alive tagline in that it’s more like a sick joke than a peice of horror movie advertising. The 1990 sequel Bride of Re-Animator had a great tagline too: “Date. Mate. Re-Animate.” Brilliance.

1. The Fly (1986): “Be afraid. Be very afraid.”

Is it just me, or does the poster for The Fly remind you of the poster of Alien? In any case, “be afraid – be very afraid” is quite possibly the best tagline in any genre and in any decade. It’s so deceptivley simple and yet carries with it such a sense of impending dread that runs paralell to the feeling of inevitable doom that hangs over the film. Jeff Goldblum (another “is it just me:” does Goldblum remind anyone else of Adam West or am I alone here?) plays the titular character, but it is Geena Davis who delivers the line that was used on the poster. One of the most famous lines in movie history, I’ve heard the line from people who’ve never ever heard of, much less seen, The Fly. Classic stuff.

The nineties weren’t a great decade for horror so I don’t think we’ll be seeing a third part to this series, but I think the sheer volume of awesome the seventies and the eighties delivered more than makes up for it. No need for an honorable mentions list this time, but if you can think of any great eighties taglines I’ve missed, let me know. End transmission.

10. The Exorcist (1973): “Something almost beyond comprehension is happeneing to a girl on this street, in this house… and a man has been sent for as a last resort. This man is The Exorcist.”

The Exorcist often gets quite a bit of crap slung at it for not being as scary as its reputation says it is, but for my money it’s one of the all time greats. The tagline, like the film, stirs up an eerie sense of impending doom that perfectly suits the moody, minimalistic look of the poster.

9. The Omen (1976): “If something frightening happens to you today, think about it. It may be The Omen.”

This could’ve been one of the best taglines in any genre, but the akward wording loses it points. Something more along the lines of “if something strange happens today, don’t ignore it: it may be The Omen” would’ve worked so much better. In any case, The Omen is a classic and it’s got Gregory Peck in it, so that’s always good.

8. Zombie Flesh Eaters AKA Zombi 2 AKA Zombie &etc. (1979): “We are going to eat you!”

Direct, to the point, and bloody terrifying. This film’s tagline is less a threat and more a statement of fact, as in, “we’re zombies, you’re tasty, we’re hungry, you’re fucked.” Brilliant.

7. Westworld (1973): “Where nothing can possibly go worng.”

I know it’s debateable wether or not Westworld is a horror film, but the tagline is a work of genius. At first glance you might not even notice the joke, but once you see it, it tells you everything you need to know about the film in six simple words. Michael Crichton’s dry run for Jurassic Park, Westworld is part western, part sci fi and, yes, part horror with Yul Brynner stalking his victims in classic slasher movie style. In fact, I would even argue that the Robot Gunslinger is worthy of being included alongside guys like Michael Myers and Jason Vorhees.

6. Halloween (1978): “He night he came home.”

Wait, the night WHO came home? Where’s home? HE comes home on Halloween? Who the fuck is HE? This movie sounds awesome! Job done. It’s a real shame that John Carpenter has lost his mojo in recent years, because from 1976 to about 1988 he was damn near untouchable.

5. Alien (1979): “In space, no one can hear you scream.”

Ok, so wether or not Alien is a horror film is maybe debatable (if you’re an idiot) but for my money it’s as much a horror film as anything else on this list. The isolation of the characters in the film is reflected in the eerie sparseness of the poster and the terror they will face whilst utterly cut off from humanity is reflected in the bleak tagline. Much imitated, and much parodied, Alien has one of the best taglines ever.

4. Dawn of the Dead (1978): “When there’s no more room in Hell, the dead will walk the Earth.”

Commonly accepted as Romero’s best zombie movie (though as far as I’m concerned Day is better) it’s the only film on our list that takes its tagline from a line of dialouge in the movie. In one of the movie’s few quiet moments Ken Foree’s character Peter tells a story about his grandfather, a vodoo priest, who used to tell him that “when there’s no more room in Hell, the dead will walk the Earth.” It’s one of the creepiest taglines in cinema history and almost as iconic as the movie itself.

3. Jaws 2 (1978): “Just when you though it was safe to go back in the water.”

One of the few movie taglines that’s more famous that the movie itself (it’s only contenders are Alien and The Fly – “be afraid – be very afraid) Jaws 2 is a sorely underrated film that gets a bad rep based soley on the fact that it’s not Jaws. But fuck that, Jaws 2 is a solid movie and the tagline is a classic.

2. The Last House on the Left (1972): “To avoid fainting keep repeating, it’s only a movie… only a movie… only a movie… only a movie…”

Three taglines for the price of one here: the one above; “it rests on 13 acres of earth over the very centre of Hell;” and “Mari, seventeen is dying – even for her the worst is yet to come.” Last House on the Left is regarded by some as a horror classic, but to others it’s a tad craptastic.  For me though, it’s somewhere inbetween.  A flawed classic, if you will.   That said, the fourth wall breaking tagline is genius.

1. It’s Alive (1974): “There’s only one thing wrong with the Davis baby… It’s Alive.”

I love movie taglines that incorporate the title of the movie, and no tagline did it better than this one. It’s like the punchline to some monumentally sick joke, but more than that, it plays on the fear that all new parents have about their children – that something will be wrong with them. If the only thing wrong with the Davis baby is that it’s alive, then goddamn, I wanna see this baby! The movie’s not great, but as far as I’m concerned that just makes the tagline ever better since it almost tricks you out of your money and gets you into the cinema.

Honorable mentions, in no particular order, to:

1. Dr. Phibes Rises Again (1972): “Flesh crawls! Blood curdles! Phibes lives!”
2. Black Christmas (1974): “If this movie doesn’t make your skin crawl… it’s on too tight!”
3. The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974): “Who will survive and what will be left of them?”
4. Phantasm (1979): “If this one doesn’t scare you, you’re already dead!”
5. The Amityville Horror (1979): “For God’s sake, get out!”
6. Carrie (1976): “If you’ve got a taste for terror, take Carrie to the prom.”
7. The Hills Have Eyes (1977): “The lucky ones died first.”
8. King Kong (1976): “The most exciting original motion picture of all time.” (Note: the sheer audacity of calling a remake “the most exciting original motion picture” makes me die laughing, hence the inclusion of this rather prosaic tagline on our list.)
9. The Omega Man (1971): “The last man on Earth… is not alone!”
10. Suspiria (1977): “The only thing more terrifying than the last 12 minutes of this movie are the first 92.”

So anyway, there you have it. The top ten – plus ten others – seventies movie taglines. Did I miss out your favorite, or are you heartbroken to see your favorite banished to the honorable mentions? Comments below, ta. Coming soon – the top ten eighties horror taglines. And maybe something about comics. Anyway. End transmission.