10. BULLITT (1968)

Steve McQueen with an upside down shoulder holster and a green Mustang? Shit yeah. Based on real life Bay Area cop Dave Toschi (as was Dirty Harry, to some extent) Frank Bullitt is a no nonsense cop in a no nonsense movie with a no nonsense title. What’s it about? Bullitt. What’s it called? Bullitt. What comes out his gun? Bullits. MIND BULLITTS.

9. ROPE (1948)

One of Hitchcock’s most underrated films, Rope is one of his most tense, one of his most brilliantly acted and one of my favorites. After two college graduates kill their freind and have a dinner party with his corpse in the room, James Stewart, playing against type as a bit of an asshole, slowly works out what’s happened and slowly racks up the tension, applying more and more pressure on the murderers until they – and the audience – reach breaking point. And, no, of course it wasn’t all filmed in one take.

8. CASINO (1995)

Honestly? I think Casino is ten times the movie GoodFellas is. GoodFellas is all about Henry Hill (played by Ray “what happened to my career?” Liotta) making Bambi eyes and pretending to be remourseful about his criminal past when, in actual fact, he’s nothing but a stooge and a coward, while Casino is about real gangsters, doing real gangster shit. One man’s rise to power and his eventual downful, Casino is, like GoodFellas, stunningly lensed and mesmerisingly acted, but, unlike GoodFellas, it pulls no punches.

7. HALLOWEEN (1978)

The film that launched the slasher genre and the careers of John Carpenter and Jamie Lee Curtis, Halloween is rightly remembered as one of the best films of its kind. Who knew a man in a William Shatner mask could be so bloody scary? John Carpenter, that’s who. The classic images of the film, coupled with the genuinley unnerving soundtrrack – composed by Carpenter – make for essential horror viewing that, even today, still has the power to creep audiences out.

6. ROCKY (1976)

One of the all time great feel-good movies, Rocky is, nonetheless, quite a downbeat affair, especially compared to the later films in the series. Sure, Rocky loses the fight and gets beat to a bloody pulp, but along the way he finds love, friendship and realises that he has something to live for. The later films may have tarnished the reputation of the original, but it remains one of my all time favorite films and one that, if I come across it on TV, I’m compelled to watch to the end.

5. SCARFACE (1932/1983)


Whether you’re talking about the 1932 original or its more widley seen Al Pacino starring remake, there’s no denying that Scarface is a powerful movie. The remake is a rare example of a remake being better than the original, but both are classic examples of gangster cinema. The original stars Paul Muni as Itallian thug-turned-kingpin Tony Camonte and the remake, of course, boasts an incredible performance from Al Pacino as thug-turned-drug lord Tony Montana

4. PSYCHO (1960)

Based on a novel by Robert Bloch, Psycho is Alfred Hitchcock’s most well known film and the film that he’ll forever be remembered for, Psycho is, in actual fact far from Hitchcock’s best film, but the fact that Hitch was betteron his worst day than most are on their best makes Psycho a classic. Single handedly creating the slasher genre, there’s actually very little blood in the film, regardless of the film’s gory reputation. The masterfully edited “shower scene” is worth the price of admission alone, but for my money, the death of Detective Arbogast is the more shocking scene.

3. CASABLANCA (1942)

I’m shocked that it’s taken this long for me to get around to writing about Casablanca on this site. I mentioned it in passing on the “original casting choices” list, but that was more an excuse to wax lyrical about how awesome Bogart was than anything else. One of the all time classics of any genre and the perfect example of how “they don’t make ‘em like they used to” Casablanca is a close to perfect movie. From the pitch perfect performances from a cast comprised soley of Hollywood legends to the brilliantly tight plotting and snappy dialouge, Casablanca should be required viewing for anyone with even a passing intrest in film. I don’t care if you’re a gorehound, a Western fan, a rom-com junkie or whatever, if you haven’t already done so, you need to see Casablanca.

2. UNFORGIVEN (1992)

There are two types of people in the world: John Wayne fans and Clint Eastwood fans. John Wayne fans are people who see the world in black and white (the bad guys are irredeemably bad and the good guys are saints) whereas Clint Eastwood fans tend to see the world in shades of grey. Me/ I’ve got a lot of time for the Duke, but Clint is not only a hundred times more badass in every concievable way, but is much more grounded in reality. The good guys don’t always win and sometimes the “good” guys are just as corrupt and immoral as the “bad.” Clint’s masterpeice, Unforgiven, bears this out, with Clint playing William Munny, the culmination of every gunslinger and cowboy he ever played, from Rowdy Yates to Josey Wales. Gene Hackman, Morgan Freeman and Richard Harris are all on top form, but it’s Eastwood’s movie, and it’s brilliant. Interesting theory: at the end of the movie we learn that Munny moved to San Fransico and “prospered in dry goods.” I like to imagine that, to avoid unwanted attention, he changed his name to “Callaghan” and had a grandson who went into law enforcment…

1. JAWS (1975)

The film that made people sit up and notice Steven Speilberg, the film that scared people out of the water and the film at the number one spot on our list today is 1975′s Jaws. The first true “blockbuster” movie, it paved the way for such “event movies” as Star Wars and Avatar, but more than that, it played to a deep and very primal fear that all human beings have: the fear of the unknown. Never before had a film so effectivley played to our fear of what lies beneath and touched such a nerve with so many people as Jaws. Shark movies have been made since (including three increasingly risable sequels) but none have been able to recreate the fear – nay, terror – of Jaws. The title is iconic now, but in 1975 it must have been a strange title indeed, as it doesn’t tell the viewer anything about the film. Had it been made twenty years before it would’ve been called Attack of the Shark or something equally silly, but the cryptic title can only have added to the movie’s appeal. Thirty years on, and everybody – whether they’ve seen it or not – knows exactly what you’re talking about when you say the word Jaws to them and that, ladies and gentlemen, is the mark of a great movie title.

Honorable mentions in no particular order to:

1. Vertigo (1958)
Another Hitchcock classic.
2. Dracula/Frankenstein (1931)
The monster movies that started it all.
3. Spartacus (1960)
No, not the shitty TV show. The best movie of its kind ever made.
4. Seven (1995)
Intense and creepy, with a three brilliant performances from Freeman, Pitt and Spacey.
5. Clerks (1994)
He may be a bloated self parody now, but once upon a time Kevin Smith made a masterpeice. It was called Clerks.
6. Platoon (1986)
They say “war is hell.” This film shows that they’re not lying.
7. Goldfinger (1964)
It’s not the best Bond movie, but it’s pretty darn good.
8. Rambo (2008)
After the excess of the sequels, Stallone takes Rambo back to his roots.
9. Metropolis (1927)
Silent cinema at it’s best. A nightmare vision of the future.
10. Alien (1979)
In space, everyone can hear you say “Alien is awesome.”

What a movie is called is every bit as important as the content of the movie. After all, a masterpeice with a terrible title isn’t going to draw an audience. Similarly, if you make a movie that you know is shit, you can always slap a really snappy title and hope to hell that’ll bring people in – just as Roger Corman. Anyway, let me know your favorite one word movie titles and stick around for the next installment in our never ending series of top tens. End transmission.

10. Ghostface from Scream (1996)

One of the most recognised characters in recent horror history, the Edvard Munch inspired killer from the Scream movies would’ve placed way higher on this list if not for one thing: lazy people. Go to any Haloween party anywhere in the world and you’ll see at least nineteen thousand lazy assholes who bought a 5.99 Scream costume and a rubber knife. It’s been done to death and I’m sick of seeing it. If at any point in your life you’ve gone to a Haloween party dressed as Ghostface, then begone from this site and never darken my door again.

9. The Robot Gunslinger from WestWorld (1973)

Ok, this might be a wierd choice, but hear me out. A silent, black clad, sinister figure with inhuman strength and resiliance who has a single minded determination to kill and no matter how many times you think you’ve killed him he keeps on coming back to get you. Is that Michael Myers or the Robot Gunslinger? I rest my case. Yul Brynner’s brilliantly sinister send up of his heroic man in black from The Magnificent Seven, the Robot Gunslinger from WestWorld is a proto-slasher villain. As is…

8. The Xenomorph from Alien (1979)

Again, supernaturally strong and resiliant, black in colour, fucking terrifying and determinded to get the kill; a silent killer stalking the crew of the Nostromo down spooky corridors. Like the best slasher villains, the Alien eventually kills all but one of the crew – in classic slasher style, a resiliant young woman – before eventually being outwitted and killed.

7. Santa Claus from Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)

Santa Claus, that jolly old elf who brings love and joy at Christmastime seems like an odd choice for a slasher villain, but that’s the point. Kinda like how the Joker (except in The Dark Knight) doesn’t seem scary at first, Santa Claus is a character that kids and adults instinctivley trust. Santa would never do anything bad, right? Wrong. In the US, there was public outcry when this film was released, with people picketing in the streets, complaining that the movie ruined Santa’s “good name.” Proof positive, ladies and gentlemen, that some people have way to much time on their hands.

6. Chucky from Child’s Play (1988)

Exploiting the same kind of dictomtomy that Silent Night, Deadly Night used (with a liberal dose of that Twilight Zone episode with the talking doll thrown in too) the evil doll from the Child’s Play series just misses out on a stop in the top five. Voiced by the emminently creepy Brad Dourif, Chucky has appeared in five movies as well as, bizarrley, a WCW pay-per-view. Played reasonably straight in the original, Chucky has, like Freddy Krueger, become more and more of a clown as the series progressed, with his last two outings in particular being played more for laughs than scares.

5. Leatherface from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)

Whilst many slasher movie badguys are blamed for inspiring real-life violence, only a handful have themselves been inspired by real-life events. One such fictional killer is Leatherface from the Texas Chainsaw series. Like, Chucky, later movies in the series were more comedy than horror, so let’s concertrate on the original movie in which Leatherface is less a human killer and more an elemental force of nature, bursting, chainsaw screaming, from doorways and hiding places, killing with an inhuman rage. Inspired by the killer Ed Gein (more on him later), Leatherface was played by Gunnar Hansen in the original Tobe Hooper classic. The remake, though not as good as the original, is still worth a watch, if only for Jessica Biel in a tight t shirt.

4. Jason Voorhees from Friday the 13th (1980)

Slasher villains seem to fall into two camps: the flamboyant wisecrackers like Freddy and Chucky and the silent but deadly types like Michael Myers and, of course, Jason Voorhees. Jason’s hockeymasked visage (the first two movies notwithstanding) is one of the most famous images of modern horror and it’s testament to the popularity of the character that he was chosen to face off against Fred Krueger in Freddy vs. Jason (which could easily have been Freddy vs. Michael). A lot of people tend not to give Jason a fair swing of the machette, probably due to memories of watching one of the pretty dire later sequels, but the original movie, and the second and third sequels (that’s parts 3 and 4 for those not paying attention) are well worth another look, especially if you’ve not seen them in a while.

3. Norman Bates from Psycho (1960)

The grandaddy – or, more accuratley, the grandmother – of them all. Every deranged wierdo who ever grabbed something sharp and slaughtered some hotties in the woods owed his very existence to Norman Bates. Or, to give the devil his due, to Ed Gein, who provided the inspiration for young Master Bates (couldn’t resist). A killer from the backwoods of Wisconisin, Gein’s catalouge of atrocities included using human bones and skin to make furniture, keeping a collection of female naughty bits (including his mother’s painted silver) in a shoebox under his bed and, most disturbingly, dancing in the moonlight wearing a suit made out of the skin of his victims. Norman Bates never went quite that far, but, for better or worse, he still gave birth to the slasher genre.

2. Michael Myers from Halloween (1978)

Probably the first slasher villain of modern horror, John Carpenter’s silent, deadly and seemingly immortal creation Michael Myers has made the 31st of October a pain in the arse for the resisdents of Haddonfield since 1978. Originally known as “The Shape” Myers immediatley became a sensation and an icon of horror, wisely being kept mostly in the shadows or around the edge of the frame in the original to build up his mystique, but even the overexposure of the later films (not to mention the travesty that was the Rob Zombie remake) cannot tarnish his reputation as silent killer per excellence.

1. Freddy Krueger from A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

“Welcome to prime time, bitch!” When Wes Craven cast Robert Englund as the villain in A Nightmare on Elm Street, the horror gods smiled and the planets alligned and history was made. Not since the days of Karloff and Lugosi had a horror actor meshed so perfectly with the character he played and, until the end of time, one would not be the same without the other. This fact was borne out by the recent remake which saw Jackie Earle Haley fail to achieve the sort of instant iconic-ness that Englund achieved so effortlessly. Starting life as a more-or-less serious killer, the Nightmare on Elm Street franchise saw the evolution of Freddy from evil bastard to evil-but-damn-funny bastard as he cracked wise and quipped his way through the teens of Elm Street. Whether you prefer serious Freddy or funny Freddy, you always have to remember one thing: whatever you do, don’t fall asleep…

Slasher movies tend to polarise horror fans. As I mentioned in the intro, I was a classic horror snob for many years and refused to even give slasher movies the time of day, but when I finally got off my high horse I realised that there’s not only some really good filmmaking on display (well, sometimes) but also a lot of fun to be had. If you’re like I once was, check out a few of the more well known titles like the original Nightmare or Halloween, or if you’re the exact opposite and you love modern horror but aren’t so keen on the classics, Psycho is probably a good place to start. Either way, gimmie your thoughts in the comments and stick around for our next list. End transmission.

10. BEYOND THE MAT (1999)/WRESTLING WITH SHADOWS (1998)

Coming out of the blocks first on today’s list is a head-to-head tie of two wrestling documentaries. Beyond the Mat is perhaps the better known of the two films and is one of those rare documentaries that can engage people who are not fans of the subject in hand. Wrestling With Shadows, on the other hand, is somewhat more specialised, following the last few months of Bret “Hitman” Hart’s tenure in the WWE (then called the WWF). For my money, Wrestling With Shadows is the better film, but they both deserve a place.

9. WHEN WE WERE KINGS (1996)

The last documentary on our list, When We Were Kings follows Muhammed Ali and George Foreman as they prepare for their classic “Rumble in the Jungle.” The documentary is a bit biased towards Ali, as was everyone in the country in which the fight was being held due to Ali’s manipulation of his image (setting himself up as a man “returning to his homehand” and immersing himself in African culture, unlike the quiet and aloof Foreman), but it remains a fascinating look at a historic bout.

8. THE HUSTLER (1961)

This list might be a bit biased towards the sports I enjoy watching. In fact, there’s no two ways about it considering that we’ve so far had two movies about wrestling, one about boxing and now one about that most manly of manly persuits, playing pool. An classic beyong dispute with Paul Newman as “Fast” Eddie, a poolshark who takes on Jackie Gleason’s Minnesota Fats. Taking place in brilliantly smoky pool halls and seedy bars, The Hustler was revisited in Martin Scorsese’s The Colour of Money in which Paul Newman reprised his role as “Fast” Eddie.

7. ROCKY IV (1985)

Moving from realistic movies and documentaries to the realm of sports fantasy, we find the first of four movies starring Sylvester Stallone on the list. After winning the world title from Apollo Creed and then losing it (only to win it back) from Clubber Lang, Rocky Balboa, the street bum made good, takes it upon himself to end the Cold War by fighting the evil Russian git Ivan Drago. Is it a masterpeice of cinema? No. Is it subtle? Like a brick. Is it rabble rousing nonsense of the highest order. Hell yeah. And that’s why it’s awesome.

6. CADDYSHACK (1980)

Take one part Chevy Chase in his prime, one part Bill Murray playing a dangerous lunatic and one part Rodney Dangerfield being Rodney Dangerfield, mix well with a comedy gopher and add a pool scene in which a Mars bar is mistaken for a turd and what do you have? The best movie ever made about the usually tame and frankly boring game of golf. The antics of the Animal House crew transplanted to an upmarket golf club, Caddyshack is one of the all time greatest comedy movies. Bill Murray plays against type as a borderline retard and Chevy Chase plays Fletch with a four iron and a strange muppet gopher causes chaos. It sounds strange on paper, but on celluloid it was brilliant.

5. ROCKY BALBOA (2006)

Two Stallone movies down and two to go. It’s interestting to note that public opinion character of Rocky in the first and last films mirrors the public perception of Stallone at the time the film was made. When Rocky came out in 1976, Stallone and Rocky were no-hopers both – Rocky would never go the distance with Creed and Stallone would never become an actor. Flashforward to 2006 and both Rocky and Sly are has-beens destined to while away their days in obscurity. Both times, they proved everybody wrong. In ’76 Rocky held his own against Creed and Stallone became one of the biggest stars of all time; in 2006 Rocky went the distance with Dixon and Stallone became a bankable star again. Replacing the jingoism and unintentional self parody of Rockies IV and V with the heart and hopefulness of the original film, Rocky Balboa the movie, like Rocky Balboa the man is full of heart and impossible to resist.

4. ESCAPE TO VICTORY (1981)

Football. That inexplicably popular game loved by millions and hated by me. Well, that’s a bit harsh. I love the World Cup, but league football? I’ve got no time for it. Now, Escape to Victory is not a film that the critics love, quite the opposite in fact: Barry Norman called it “rubbish.” But what do those guys know? The story of a football match set up as a propganda excersise by the Nazis between the German national team and a ragtag group of multi-national POWs, Escape to Victory is one of those films that gets the blood flowing and the fist pumping. Stallone (him again?) is top billed as the goalie, but it’s Michael Caine’s movie as the team captain who leads a team of actors and real football players to… I won’t spoil the ending. Max Von Sydow turns in a surprisingly sympatheic performance as a Nazi officer and former Sherlock Holmeses Clive Merrison and Tim Piggot-Smith as well as a dubbed Anton Diffring round out the cast. Oh, and watch out for Pele’s awesome goal in the final minutes.

3. THE WRESTLER (2008)

“You’ve seen me, I come and stand at every door; you’ve seen me, I always leave with less than what I had before; you’ve seen me, but I can make you smile when the blood hits the floor – tell me friend, can you ask for anything more?” Bruce Springsteen’s song for The Wrestler sums up the film better than I ever could. The story of Randy “The Ram” Robinson, an ageing wrestler (based loosely, it seems, on Jake “The Snake” Robers) struggling to find his place in a world that has forgotten him. Ekeing out a living on the independent circuit for twenty bucks a night, all Randy wants is one last run; one final moment of glory. His only friend is an equally past her best stripper and he is estranged from his daughter, Randy concinves a promoter to set up one final match against his old nemesis. The ending is simultaneously ambiguous and heartbreaking. After years of ridicule and abuse, The Wrestler brought a modicum of respect to the professional wrestling business. And for that if nothing else, I will always love it.

2. RAGING BULL (1980)

The only movie on this list that isn’t really “about” the sport it depicts, Raging Bull is less about the sportsman and more about the man. A biopic based on the (ghostwritten) memoirs of “The Bronx Bull” Jake La Motta, the film starts with La Motta in his prime, winning the world title and then depicting his slow descent into oblivion. Famously putting on a massive amount of weight to transform himself from the slim and hard-bodied young prizefighter to the bloated and corpulent figure La Motta became, Robert DeNiro turns in a remarkable performance, backed up by Joe Peschi, Frank Vincent and the remarkable Cathy Moriarty as La Motta’s wife Vickie. DiNero, an actor never less than charasmatic, makes La Motta – a wife beating, cheating, fight throwing asshole – seem sympathic and at times likeable. Martin Scorsese’s assured direction and the editing of Thelma Schoonmaker make Raging Bull a classic and fully deserving of the plaudits that it has earned.

1. ROCKY (1976)

Say what you like about the man, but Sylvester Stallone knows how to make a good sports movie. Beating Taxi Driver at the 1976 Oscars, Rocky is, quite simply a perfect movie. There are certain films that I can watch over and over and never get bored of them – The Adventures of Robin Hood, Casblanca, The Empire Strikes Back, The Spy Who Loved Me, Star Trek II - but top of this list is Rocky. The story of a bum from Philly who’s “whole life was a million to one shot” who is given a shot at the champ Apollo Creed. Rocky and his trainer Mickey – career best from Burgess “The Penguin” Meredith – train their way through the most famous montage in the history of cinema (ending, of course, with a triumphant sprint up the steps of the Phillidelphia Art Museum) and Rocky, a man who knows he can’t win the fight – goes the distance with Apollo and lasts all 15 rounds. Along the way, he finds love with the mousy sister of his best friend and walks away from the fight the loser, but not *a* loser. I’m convinced that it’s not physically possible to watch Rocky and not root for the Itallian Stallion. At the end of the movie, as Rocky stands in the ring crying out for the woman he loves, many a manly tear has been shed, not only by me, but by anyone with even an ounce of heart – something both Rocky and this film have in abundance.

Like I said in the intro, I’m not much of a sports fan, which explains the amount of boxing and wrestling movies on this list, but my site = my list = my picks. Annoyed about the lack of Kevin Costner baseball films? let me know your picks below. But that’s all for now, sports fans, join us next time for either the top ten movies everybody except me loved or the top ten movies with single word titles – I can’t decide which one to do first. End transmission.

10. Worst, robot, ever – Superman III

Superman III is not a good film. By any stretch of the imagination. The entire film is deeply, deeply flawed with a third rate Lex Luthor trying to monopolise the world’s coffee supply whilst Richard Pryor gurns and skis (more on that later) his way through the movie. The end of the film has Superman battling a robot (I forget how it gets here, but it’s not important.) Now, Superman has fought robots before (paging Metallo…) but this has got to be the worst robot the Man of Tomorrow ever faced, but also one of the worst robots well, ever.

9. “Put my daddy down!” – Superman II

Richard Lester is an Englishman who likes silliness and lowbrow comedy. Why, then, he was chosen to replace Richard Donner (who had already shot at least half of the movie) on Superman II. His ineptitude when it comes to adapting an American comic book reaches its nadir when the Kryponian badguys led by General Zod roll into a small midwestern town and begin running riot. Fair enough. There’s a moment when Zod and co. use some sort of telekinisis to raise a local farmhand about 20 feet in the hair and his tousel-haired son begs Zod to put him down. Again, fair enough, Except that Lester decided to cast the most English boy he could find, with a cut glass accent, to play said farmboy. So we have an American midwest farm town populated by English public schoolboys. Superfail. In the Donner cut, this scene is replaced with a kickass assault on the White House by Zod and pals, which is way, way cooler.

8. Lex Luthor: bald or not? – Superman IV: The Quest For Peace

This is something I’ve never seen referrenced anywhere else and I seem to be the only one who’s noticed it, which confuses me greatley since it sticks out like a sore thumb. In Superman and Superman II (not to mention Superman Returns) Lex Luthor is bald and ashamed of the fact so he wears various wigs to cover his bald head. Now, Gene Hackman had a full head of hair when he played Luthor for the first and second times, he used his own hair for the scenes when Luthor wore a wig and wore a baldcap for the bald scenes. However, in the years that passed between Superman and Superman IV, Gene Hackman had gone bald somewhat and declined to wear a wig. Therefore, in storyline terms, Luthor is wearing a wig with a bald spot and a high hairline to hide the fact that he is bald. I can’t seriously be the only one who noticed that!

7. Richard Pryor: Shins of Steel – Superman III

Christopher Reeve was perfectly cast as the Man of Steel, but the *real* Man of Steel in the Superman movies was Gus Gorman, the nerdy computer programmer played by Richard Pryor. Now, let me say that Pryor was a funny, funny man and he turns in a decent comedy performance in Superman III, but the script and direction let him down. There’s a scene where Gorman is on skis and ends up skiing of the top of a building, falling at least 50 stories before landing on an awning, breaking through, and landing on the street, on his feet. He makes a “comedy” pained face and walks away. Really. Superman is a Kryptonian uber-mensch, and yet he at least registers pain from time to time.

6. Piss on the entire point of the story… to save a few bucks – Superman II

Superman, at its heart, was a movie about a son with two fathers, both of which are lost to him. His real dad, Jor-El sacrifices himself to give his son a chance for life and his adoptive dad, Jonathan Kent (played by the great Glenn Ford) has a heart attack and dies when Clark is in his teens, giving Clark the motivation to become a hero: “all these powers and I couldn’t even save him.” It’s actually pretty powerful stuff, Jor-El’s speeches from across time and space to his son, telling him “you will make my strength your own. You will see my life through your eyes, as your life will be seen through mine. The son becomes the father and the father, the son.” The entire movie is based on this idea, with Clark fufilling the potential and claiming his birthright. Then, in the first sequel, Supes goes to the Fortress of Solitude and suddenly his mother and a random Kryptonian (who was against Jor-El in the original, and yet is now teaching his son) show up. All to save a few dollars by not hiring Marlon Brando again (even though the movie was bound to make a million billion bucks.) Thankfully, Richard Donner corrected this mistake when he was allowed to recut the movie and insert the footage he had shot that Laster rejected.

5. The Opening Sequence of – Superman III

Speaking of Richard Lester, if you ever needed more proof of his towering unsuitability for a Superman movie, look no further than the opening sequence of Superman III. To be fair, it’s a remarkable bit of slapstick cinema, but it’s so out of place in a Superman movie, neglecting to use to classic Superman swoopy blue credits or even John Williams’s stirring Superman march, opting instead to use a completley unmemorable peice of music and credits that look they were made using Windows Movie Maker. American TV execs may be idiots, but even they had the sense to replace the opening with something more in line with the first two and dubbing in a pretty kick ass version of the Superman theme. The strangest thing, and I’ve got no way to prove this, is the odd British-ness of the actors falling over, almost being drowned on dry land and being pied in the face. Metropolis is in America, right? And yet these people look like they’d be more at home in the Rovers’ Return.

6. Superman = Jesus – Superman Returns

There’s always been a bit of a messianic overtone with the Superman story – baby is born who shows extraordinary powers whilst growing up and goes on to save the world. But this has always been in the background, overlooked by kids who love the flying and stuff, but noticed by more astute viewers, giving the story another dimension to enjoy. Superman strikes the balance between fun and subtext prefectly, but, when the time came to make Superman Returns, Bryan Singer decided to beat us over the head with the message, at the expense of a lot of the fun stuff.

5. The Kents are strange – Superman: The Movie

Speaking of the Superman origin story, do the Kent’s actions upon finding young Kal-El strike anyone else as a bit… peculiar? Imagine you were in their place. You’re driving along and something explodes nearby. You stop to investigate and discover a young naked boy who can lift a truck above his head. Any reasonable person would look at this as being a tad weird and would probably drop this devil child off at the nearest police station or hospital. But no, what the Kents do is take this kid home with them and raise him as an All-American boy. With superpowers.

4. Superman rebuilds the Great Wall… with mind bullets! – Superman IV

Superman’s powers: flight, super strength, super speed, x-ray vision, heat vision, super breath, super hearing, super smell and enchanced stamina. I see nothing about telekenis in that list, and yet in Superman IV, following the destruction of the Great Wall of China, the Metropolis Marvel displays a hithero-unseen abilty to move objects with him mind (and a strange blue laser beam thing), rebuilding the Great Wall in a matter of seconds. He later uses this ability to levitate falling people and lower them safely to the ground. The Quest For Peace is undoubtedly one of the worst movies ever made, but the way it messes around with Superman’s powers annoys me greatley. That said, every Superman movie ever made does the same thing, ascribing to Supes powers that his creators never dreamed of. And after reading the next two entries on this list, I think you’ll agree that Superman’s mind over matter in VI is the least of our problems.

3. Clark Kent and the Rohypnol kiss – Superman II and Superman IV

Clark Kent, the All-American farmboy who grew up, moved to the big city and, paragon of virtue that he is, would never say boo to a goose, can a pretty creepy guy. Never more so than at the end of Superman II and again in Superman IV when he kisses Lois Lane with a mouthful of roofie saliva that makes Lois forget everything that has just happened. What I want to know is, does he ever get tempted to misuse this? Does he scour nightclubs and back alleys, picking up women and having his way with them before planting the kiss of forgetfulness on them? Or does he ever put it to good use, smacking supervillains on the lips making them forget their evil plans? It might be a bit wierd, but that would save him a hell of a lot of legwork. Like, for example, at the end of Superman when Luthor tells Big Blue about the missles, why didn’t Superman pucker up and plant one on Luthor, making him forget his entire evil scheme?

2. Turning the world back – Superman

Ok, so we’ve seen Telekenitic Superman and Flunitrazepam Superman, let’s try Time Travel Superman on for size. At the end of the first movie, Superman saves the day and puts wrong to right, but Lois Lane dies in the process. So, Supes flies up into space and flies backward around the world so quickly that the planet spins backward, turning back time, bringing Lois back to life. How this doesn’t case the faultline to reopen, the valley to reflood and how Supes doesn’t meet himself is glossed over and not mentioned. It also makes Superman look like a bit of a douche, that he’s willing to fuck with history in order to bring his chain-smoking, hatchet-faced crush back to life. So, yeah, in addition to ESP and Rohypnol saliva, the Superman of the movies is also capable of turning back time. Again, why does he never use this power again. Lex Luthor is threatening to destroy New York with a lazer but I don’t want to miss the end of Dr. Who, so I’ll just let him go ahead and do it; I can always turn the world back and stop him.

1. The polythene “S” – Superman II

And so it comes to this – the single most idiotic moment in a series full of such moments. The end of Superman II.  After somehow creating holographic versions of himself to fool General Zod and his cohorts – a WTF moment in itself – Superman peels the “S” off of his chest and throws it, fresbee style, at Zod’s retarded henchman, causing it to wrap around him and trap him in a giant red and yellow polythene bag. He falls to the ground and seconds later the bag disintergates and the guy’s ready to attack again. Family Guy put it best: “that was a minor inconveince.” Without doubt, the silliest moment in the entire series and truly deserving of the top place of today’s list. Not only is it idiotic, but insulting to the viewer’s intelligence – and that, even in a comic book movie, is unforgivable since it destroys any sense of verismillitude or suspension of disbelief that the viewer has developed. That said, there’s so much idiocy in Superman II that it’s close to impossible to build up any suspension of disbelief at all. Thank fuck then, for the Richard Donner cut, which cut out 99% of this nonsense and presents us with, shock horror, a pretty good movie.

Superman: The Movie, Superman II: The Richard Donner Cut and Superman Returns are all good movies, but it’s a real shame that only one Superman movie is truly great (the first, of course). The first would be the definitive Superman movie if the studio had allowed Donner to use his original ending – Superman saves the day and the missle thrown into space knocks Zod and co. out of the Phantom Zone and brings them to earth, setting up a cliffhanger for the second movie and also eliminating the stupid time travel and forgetful kisses. The Donner cut of Superman II opens with the original ending of Superman and ends with the Kryptonian villains killing Lois, causing Supes to do his time travel trick, which whilst still annoying, works a lot better than in the original movie. In any case, that’s our top ten worst Superman movie moments. I know I missed the whole “breathing in space” thing from Quest For Peace, and if that bugs you, let me know below. End transmission.

10. Gary Oldman; or, the Goth Dracula

From the movie Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992) directed by Francis Ford Coppla
Right off the bat (bat, geddit?) let me say that I do not care for Bram Stoker’s Dracula. It’s a breathtaking film to look at, but almost every perfomance in the film is uniformly terrible and Gary Oldman as Dracula is inexplicably popular with people who don’t really like Dracula movies. Playing up the “he’s really Vlad the Impaler” angle, Oldman’s Dracula starts the film as a old white-skinned guy with boobs on his head and ends the film as a distinctly Ann Riceian proto-goth with long hair and a grey stovepipe hat. There’s very little menace in his performance and he seems to be more concerned with taking Winnona Ryder to dinner than drinking her blood.

9. John Carradine; or, the Elegant Dracula

From the movie House of Frankenstein (1944) directed by Erle Kenton
With his white moustache and jauntily askew top hat, Carradine looked more like a Missisippi riverboat gambler than a vampire Count. Unfortunatley written as a bit of a milqetoast wuss, Dracula isn’t given much to do in House of Frankenstein or its sequel House of Dracula. However Carradine played Dracula several more times in his career, most notably in the woeful Billy the Kid versus Dracula.

8. Udo Kier; or, the Warhol Dracula

From the movie Blood For Dracula (1974) directed by Paul Morrissey
I’ve written before about Udo Kier on this site and I’m afraid I’m going to have to repeat myself. The fact that Udo Keir isn’t in every movie ever made is tragic. One of the most underrated actors alive, Kier is nothing short of brilliant in everything he’s in and Blood For Dracula is no exception. Sounding suspiciously German for a Transylvanian Count (but we can’t hold that against him given Langella’s American accent, Lee’s English accent and Olman’s ludicrous accent) Keir’s Dracula is only able to drink virgin blood and so moves to Italy in search of virgins. Suffice to say he does not find them and becomes ill after drinking tainted blood. Undoubtedly one of the creepiest screen Draculas.

7. Max Schreck; or, the Anti Dracula

From the movie Nosferatu (1922) directed by F.W. Murnau
The odd one out on this list since Schreck isn’t strictly speaking playing Dracula, but Graf Orlock. Depending on the print of the movie you watch, Schreck’s character is named either Orlock or Dracula (the Dracula print is more common these days than the Orlock print) but it’s clear to anyone with even a basic understanding of the novel or the story behind the making of Nosferatu that Orlock = Dracula. The only actor on today’s list to play the Count as a horrific monster rather than an urbane sophisicate, Shreck’s version of Dracula is every bit as iconic as Lugosi or Lee, but the fact that it is *so* far removed from the classic image of Dracula explains its low place on the list.

6. Jack Palance; or, the Animalistic Dracula

From the TV movie Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1973) directed by Dan Curtis
Like Gary Oldman’s Dracula, Jack Palance’s version of the Count is presented as being one and the same with Vlad Tepes. The first film to introduce the now standard “long lost love” angle, Palance’s Dracula doesn’t beat you over the head with this angle like Oldman, preferring to remain somewhat ambigulous about the whole affair. Presenting an intense and at times animalistic Dracula, Palance’s Count is as scary as he is tragic.

5. Orson Welles; or, the Radio Dracula

From the Mercury Theatre’s radio production Dracula (1938) directed by Orson Welles
Regal, magisterial and capturing the very essence of Dracula, Orson Welles’ performance as the Count on his Mercury Theatre On The Air program is to this day spellbinding and breathtaking. Welles, a personal hero of mine and perhaps the greatest genius of the 20th Century, was reciting Shakespeare at the age of two, giving lectures at college at the age of ten, wrote a book on Shakespeare that is still used to this day at eighteen, changed the face of broadway (twice!) in his twenties, made a fortune in radio at the age of twenty two and directed the greatest movie of all time before his twenty fifth birthday. Is it any wonder, therefore, that his perfomance as Dracula (at the age of 23!) is one of the greatest of all time?

4. Louis Jourdan; or the Urbane Dracula

From the BBC miniseries Count Dracula (1977) directed by Phillip Saville
Louis Jourdan (of Gigi and Octopussy fame) might seem like a strange choice to play Count Dracula, but play him he did in a 1977 BBC miniseries and his performance is one of the very best. Playing Dracula as an urbane sophisticate but with novel-mandated sharp nails and hairy palms, Jourdan gives us a calculated and seductive evil. Despite a few dodgy special effects, the miniseries is a minor masterpeice that not enough people have seen. If you’re one of these people and if you’re a genre fan, I strongly recommend it to you, if not for Jourdan’s chilling Dracula then for Frank Finlay’s Van Helsing: for my money the best Van Helsing ever.

3. Frank Langella; or, the Romantic Dracula

From the movie Dracula (1979) directed by John Badham
Stephanie Meyer, Ann Rice and Gary Oldman take note: *this* is how you do a romantic vampire. Like Bela Lugosi before him, Frank Langella played Dracula on Broadway before commiting his performance to film. A victim of his era, Langella’s bouffant disco hair and Tom Jones open necked shirts might put some people off, but once you get past the glorious Seventies-ness of his look you’ll find a brilliant performance by one of the most underrated actors ever. Playing the Count as a romantic lover rather than an evil bastard, Langella’s Dracula is the kind of guy that men want to be and women want to be with. Acting rings round Lord Lawrence Olivier, Langella seduces his way through the movie, but isn’t afraid to turn up the heat when nessecary, swooping down on Renfield like a giant badass bat and breaking his neck without a second thought. Sadly the only version of the movie available on DVD has, for some reason, had all the colour stripped out of it leaving it looking almost like a black and white move. But worry not, some fiddling with the colour and contrast settings on your TV soon restore it to its full glory.

BONUS DRACULA!
Frank Langella was replaced in the role of Dracula by the great Jeremy Brett who made such an awesome Dracula that I couldn’t leave him out. So here is is, in all his vampiric awesomness.

Elementary, my dear Dr. Van Helsing!

2. Bela Lugosi; or, the Archetypal Dracula

From the movie Dracula (1931) directed by Todd Browning
Whenever the name Dracula is mentioned the first thing that comes to most people’s minds is the image of Bela Lugosi, his velvet lined cape draped over his shoulders, his eyes blazing, his mouth twisted into a sadistic smile and his hand beckoning you towards him. The definitive image of Dracula, Lugosi not only gave us the classic image of Dracula but also forever defined what Dracula is supposed to sound like, his velvet smooth Hungarian accent making potentially cheeseball lines like “I never drink… wine” and “the blood is the life” seem genuinley unsettling and eerie. Trapped forever in the Dracula role, Lugosi played similar characters in such films as Mark of the Vampire, Return of the Vampire and Plan Nine From Outer Space, but 80 years on he is still the most famous Dracula ever.

1. Christopher Lee; or, the Ultimate Dracula

From the movie Horror of Dracula (1958) directed by Terrance Fisher
This is the third time Christopher Lee’s Count has made the number one spot on a list (top ten movie vampires and top ten Hammer horror movies) so regular readers might have predicted who was going to be in the top spot. Lee’s Dracula is a combination of the best parts of every other Dracula on this list: the sauveness of Carradine, the animalistic intensity of Palance, the allure of Langella and the iconicness (it’s a word now, dammit) of Lugosi combined to make the perfect Dracula. Dispensing with any lost love rubbish, Lee’s Dracula isn’t a charmer who seduced women, his biting scenes often have an uncomfortable overtone of rape to them, with him forcing himself upon his victims who, until the realised he was going to bite them and not fuck them, were more than willing to let him into their bedrooms. Energetic and deeply primal, Lee represents not only an undead aristocrat but a force of nature that will stop at nothing to get his way.

So there you go. The Top Ten (movie or otherwise) Draculas. But there’s one very important version of the Count that I missed? Any ideas? No? Well, have a look at…

Count Dracula

From the novel “Dracula” (1897) by Bram Stoker
Dracula may have more screen apperances under his belt than any other monster, but in the countless adaptations of Stoker’s original novel not one has presented us with Dracula as he was originally written. I’ll hand it over to Stoker for a description:
“His face was a strong-a very strong-aquiline, with high bridge of the thin nose and peculiarly arched nostrils; with lofty domed forehead, and hair growing scantily round the temples, but profusely elsewhere. His eyebrows were very massive, almost meeting over the nose, and with bushy hair that seemed to curl in its own profusion. The mouth, so far as I could see it under the heavy moustache, was fixed and rather cruel-looking, with peculiarly sharp white teeth; these protruded over the lips, whose remarkable ruddiness showed astonishing vitality in a man of his years. For the rest, his ears were pale and at the tops extremely pointed; the chin was broad and strong, and the cheeks firm though thin. The general effect was one of extraordinary pallor.”
It was this Dracula that appeared on a stamp in 1997 (along with the Frankenstein Monster – labelled as per bloody usual as just “Frankenstein” – Jekyll and Hyde and the Hound of the Baskervilles.)

The closest anyone has come is Christopher Lee in the Jess Franco movie Count Dracula, but sadly, after a strong opening, that movie kinda falls apart. Still worth tracking down if you’re a genre fan.

On the radio Orson Welles, had the advantage of not having to show his face, but his use of a strong accent differs from Stoker’s vampire Count who spoke with no trace of an accent. Perhaps one day Hollywood will give us Dracula as Stoker intended, but sadly, no interpretatin of the Count has come close.

Dracula is perhaps the most famous villain in all of fiction and he is endlessly fascinating. Whether Gary Oldman, Frank Langella, Gerard Butler, Bela Lugosi or even Leslie Nielsen is in the part, the character of Count Dracula is guaranteed to bring in an audience. Did I overlook your favorite Dracula? Let me know below. End transmission.

10. Lieutennant Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica

An obvious knock off of Han Solo from the Star Wars trilogy, the ace Viper pilot Lt. Starbuck nonetheless is cool enough to make the list. Played by Dirk “Face from off of The A-Team” Bennedict in the grad tradition of Flash Gordon-esque swashbuckling sci fi heroes, the popularity of Starbuck apparently pissed Richard Hatch off, who felt that his character of Apollo was being sidelined to make room for more episodes starring Bennedict.

9. Captain Jean-Luc Picard from Star Trek: The Next Generation

A bit of a controversial one here since there are those who think that Picard should be in the top spot on this list, but for my money, Picard’s in his rightful place at number nine. A man who would seemingly rather sit in his ready room and hold meetings rather than actually, yanno, *do* something, Picard has nonetheless negotiated his way into saving the universe a couple times and for that he is worthy of inclusion.

8. The T-800 from Terminator 2: Judgement Day

The only character on this list to have been both the baddie and the goodie, Schwarzenegger’s heroic T-800 from T2 has become a pop cultural icon and one of the most parodied characters in cinema history. After fighting on the side of Skynet in the first movie, the Austrian Oak returned, reprogrammed and fighting the good fight in the sequel.

7. Flash Gordon

dumdumdumdumdumdumdum FLASH! Ah-ahhhh! He’ll save every one us! Well, he’s been saving every one of us in books, comics, radio, TV shows, and movies since 1934 and it doesn’t look like he’s planning to stop any time soon. Created by Alex Raymond (one of the most underrated and unappreciated men in comics history) the “saviour of the universe” has been battling the forces of Emperor Ming in every form of media and Freddie Mercury was not using hyperbole when he described Flash as “king of the impossible.”

6. Han Solo from Star Wars

The role that made Harrison Ford a star. Be honest, who hasn’t wanted to be Han Solo at some point in their life? The coolest guy ever to wear a waistcoat and buddies with a death dealing walking carpet, the cocky smuggler Han Solo is undoubtedly the best character in Star Wars. He’s at his best in A New Hope when he’s arrogant, wisecracking and absolutley 100% uninterested in the Rebellion’s cause. His character becomes watered down the more into the rebellion he gets, but he still maintains that smuggler cool, even when he’s being upstaged by Ewoks.

5. Mr. Spock from Star Trek

Flawlessly logical and endlessly cool (in the “as a cucumber” sense of the word) the half Vulcan-half human Mr. Spock was Captain Kirk’s second-in-command and right-hand-man. Acting as a calm and rational counterpoint to the passion and emotion of Kirk and Dr. McCoy, Spock was absolutley invaluable to both the fictional sucess of the Enterprise’s missions and the very real sucess of Star Trek.

4. Luke Skywalker from Star Wars

He was never as cool as Han Solo, but from a heroic standpoint Luke places higher than Han. The son of Darth Vader and brother of Princess Leia, Luke’s journey from simple farmboy to Jedi Knight is – despite what Lucas might say about Vader and/or the droids – the true story being told in the original Star Wars trilogy. The real trick Lucas played with Luke was casting Mark Hamill, an actor capable of going from gormless boy to mature and confident man. Whether he’s destroying the Death Star in ANH, trying to save his friends in TESB or redeeming his father in ROTJ, Luke is the real hero in the Star Wars trilogy.

3. Superman

Some of his powers and adventures might be more fantasy than science fiction, but his origin is pure scifi. The last son of Krypton, sent to earth from his dying home planet as a child in a rocketship built by his scientist father, Superman has saved his adoptive home – not to mention the entire universe – on occasions innumerable. Constantly threatened by evil geniuses, mechanical robots, giant apes and interdimensional tricksters, Superman also has to face some very human problems such as dealing with his boss, his pushy girlfriend and his nerdish friends. Known as the Man of Steel, the Man of Tomorrow and, ocassionaly, the Metropolis Marvel, Superman is not only comic’s greatest hero, but also one of science fiction’s.

2. Captain James T. Kirk from Star Trek

Every so often a character and an actor become so inextricably linked that it’s impossible for any other actor to play the role. Chris Pine learned this the hard way when he tried to essay the role of Jim Kirk in the 2009 Star Trek reboot. Now and forever, Captain Kirk and William Shatner are all but one and the same. Kirk is the classic image of the authoritarian who’s not afraid to play by his own rules when the going gets tough. Captain, of course, of the USS Enterprise, Kirk has saved the galaxy more times than I’ve had hot dinners.

1. The Doctor from Dr. Who

If Captain Kirk is the epitome of a sci fi hero in a uniform, then the Doctor is the ultimate sci fi renegade. The Gallifreyan Time Lord has probably saved the universe more times than anyone, and yet can be a bit of a bastard himself – stealing the TARDIS, almost strangling his companion Peri, frequently losing his temper and being guilty of some shocking wardrobe choices. Played by eleven actors (so far) – Peter Davidson, Matt Smith, Patrick Troughton and Jon Pertwee being some of my favorites – my all time favorite Doctor however is Colin Baker. Sadly Baker was never given much of a chance in the role (Timothy Dalton comes to mind) and the scripts he was given let him down somewhat, but he was brilliant in the role, pitching his performance somewhere between the grumpiness of Hartnel, the quirkiness of Tom Baker and the nice-guy-ness of Davidson. In any case, the character of the Doctor is without question science fiction’s greatest hero and one of its most beloved characters.

Whether we’re being attacked by Ming the Merciless, the Cybermen, the Klingons or Lex Luthor, we can always count one of of these guys to save the day. This list could easily have been a top twenty, so whittling it down to just ten wasn’t easy. Annoyed that I’ve missed out one of your favorites? Let me know your thoughts below. End transmission.

10. CUTHROAT ISLAND (1995)

Ok, so the film was terrible and killed pirate movies for years until Pirates of the Caribbean, but the poster is brilliantly swashbuckling in the classic Errol Flynn/Douglas Fairbanks tradition. Promising high adventure on the high seas that the film sadly didn’t deliver, this is a case of the poster being better than the film itself.

9. THE NORSEMAN (1978)

Struzan’s artwork for The Norseman is ten times better than the film it’s advertising, but when the poster art is this good, does it really matter if the film was a stinker? Out Frazetta-ing Frazetta, Struzan delivered a classic painting that wouldn’t look out of place in a book of Robert E. Howard stories.

8. COMING TO AMERICA (1988)

The first legit good film on today’s list, Coming to America is a classic comedy starring a pre-Mel B Eddie Murphy in what might be his best role. It was the film that made Eddie Murphy a star and Struzan’s poster emphasises the star accordingly. Legend has it, the poster was designed for Crocodile Dundee II, but Paul Hogan nixed the idea. Never one to let a good idea die, Struzan recycled the concept for Coming to America and a classic movie poster was born.

7. THE THING (1982)

Struzan painted the poster for The Thing without any reference photos from the film and all he had to work on was someone telling him “it’s the same basic story as the original.” It’s a wonder he managed to create anything at all from such scant info, never mind an all time classic image. The poster tells you absolutley nothing about the film, but it does make you want to see it, and that, after all, is the point.

6. FIRST BLOOD (1982)

The first poster to advertise a movie by giving as a big guy holding a big gun, the central image of the First Blood poster has been copied and parodied so much is has become a cliche. The classic image of what an action movie hero should look like, the First Blood poster has become the way pretty much all action movies since advertise themselves.

5. THE BACK TO THE FUTURE TRILOGY (1985/89/90)

Three posters, yes, but as great as each individual poster is, they’re so much better when enjoyed as a whole. The first poster is so iconic that when it came time to design the poster for the sequel, Struzan designed countless posters before deciding to do what really should have been a no brainer – repeat the design of the original. There’s been much debate over whether or not Mary Steenbergen should be featured on the third poster, and a design exists showing just Marty and Doc in western gear – but for my money it balances the poster nicely.

4. INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL PROMOTIONAL POSTERS (2008)

Also known as “running Indy,” “swining Indy” and “whip Indy” these images weren’t used on the advance or main posters for the latest Indy movie, but were promotional images that turned up on everything from banners to desktop wallpaper to promotional cups and, yes, posters. Showing that no one draws Indy quite like Drew Struzan, my favorite is “whip Indy” which is the rarest of the three, tending only to turn up on huge billboards and hoardings.

3. THE STAR WARS TRILOGY SPECIAL EDITIONS (1996/97)

Anyone who was a Star Wars fan in the nineties will remember the excitment of seeing the Special Edition posters in cinemas. They were – and still are – breathtakingly beautiful and close-to-perfect representations of the Star Wars trilogy. However, you don’t really appreciate these posters until you see them side by side. Empire is the most important story in the Star Wars saga, and it’s only fitting that everything on these three posters explodes outward from the centre of the Empire poster.

2. MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE (1987)

Maybe I’m just being sentimental by putting the Masters of the Universe poster at number 2, and to be honest, it’s not as good as the Special Edition posters – but my list = my rules so there. For my money, Drew’s painting of Dolph Lungren deserves to be hanging next to the Mona Lisa in the Louvre. It’s an incredible peice of work that provides a link back to my childhood as it’s the first peice of Struzan art I remember seeing.

1. INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE (1989)

Drew Struzan loves drawing Indy. It’s clear from how bloody good at it he is. The third Indy movie has the best poster of any of the Struzan Indy posters (though the distinction of best Indy poster overall goes to the advance poster for Temple of Doom) and perfectly captures the adventure and joie de vivre of what was then thought to be the last Indiana Jones movie. Struzan also painted posters for the Indiana Jones Adventure at Disneyworld and a ton of Indy novels, but his poster for Last Crusade is undoubtedly his best work.

Sadly, Drew Struzan has retired from the movie business. His last poster was for the movie Super Capers, which I think about three people saw. To quote the man himself “the studios had turned their backs on “art” over the last number of years as most anyone has noticed.” I still hope for the day when the studios will turn back to art and someone – hopefully Struzan himself – will return and save us from the teal and orange nightmare that the multiplex lobby has become. End transmission.

10. Ginger Snaps (2000)

A lot of people loved this movie when it first came out. Me? I thought it was alright. A not-so thinly veiled puberty metaphor, there’s a lot to like in Ginger Snaps, including the lovely Katherine Isabelle (who later wound up as “girl in baseball cap” in Freddy vs. Jason) and the transformation scenes (always a highlight in werewolf movies) but the rotten sequels have brought the reputation of the original down a bit, but points for trying something different.

9. Wolf (1994)

After the sucess of Bram Stoker’s Dracula and Mary Shelly’s Frankenstein, it was a forgone conclusion that the Wolf Man or werewolf would make another cinematic apperence. Problem is, werewolves have their basis in folklore and legend and have, unlike Dracula or Frankenstein’s Monster, no classic literary origins. So, rather than make a lavish (and, in my opinion, overblown) adaptation of a novel, the people behind Wolf made a modern day werewolf movie, starring the already lupine Jack Nicholson. Wolf isn’t a hugely well loved film, but it’s a film that I enjoy. The performances are great (and it’s always nice to see David Hyde Pierce) and the minimalist makeup is remeniscent of Werewolf of London. Well worth another look.

8. Frankenstein Meets The Wolf Man (1943)

Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man is the only film I can think of that acts as a sequel to two completley unrelated movies – Ghost of Frankenstein and The Wolf Man. Lon Chaney, Jr. returns in his most celebrated role as the doomed Larry Talbot and a frail-looking Bela Lugosi tucks tail and essays the role of the Frankenstein Monster – the part he famously turned his nose up at in 1931. One of the most fun movies ever made, FMTWM is a classic monster mash and the start of Universal’s monster team up movies. Not content with being a classic monster movie, FMTWM also boasts one of the best opening scenes in any of the classics as well as one of the best transformation scenes in any werewolf movie ever.

7. Werewolf of London (1935)

There had been werewolf movies before 1935, but as far as I’m concerned, Werewolf of London is the first *real* werewolf movie ever made. Starring noted stage actor Henry Hull and future “bride of Frankenstein” Valerie Hobson, Werewolf of London, to be fair, is more like a Jekyll and Hyde story than a werewolf story – a scientist is infected with “werewolfery” in Tibet and seeks a cure by day whilst stalking the streets of London by night. It’s probably a bit stilted and dated for modern sensibilities, but to genre fans there’s a lot to get excited about, not least Jack Peirce’s fantastic makeup for Henry Hull: has there ever been a more sinister looking werewolf? I don’t think so.  The film also has a stunning single shot with no cutaways transformation sequence that seems impossible for 1935.

6. Curse of the Werewolf (1961)

After The Curse of Frankenstein, Horror of Dracula and The Mummy, the next logical step for Hammer was to update the werewolf, put their own blood-stained stamp on it and start a werewolf franchise much like their Dracula, Frankenstein and Mummy series. Except that’s not what happened A lot of people are surprised to hear that Hammer only made one werewolf movie – and it’s a reasonably bloodless affair. Concentrating more on the backstory and human element of the story rather than balls to the wall lycanthopic madness, Curse of the Werewolf seems on paper like a boring movie, but it’s such a multilayered story and is so well written that the time flies by. When the werewolf finally does show up, it’s well worth the wait – Roy Aston’s design is, for my money, the best werewolf ever seen on screen.

5. Wolfen (1981)

Maybe it had something to do with the fortieth anniversary of The Wolf Man, or maybe there was something in the air that year, but whatever it was, 1981 was a banner year for werewolf movies with three classics all coming out within months of each other. The first lycanthrope from the class of ’81 on our list is the most serious in tone of the three and was the first one to be released: Wolfen. Lacking the satrical elements that made An American Werewolf in London and The Howling so popular, Wolfen is however an intelligent and criminally underrated horror movie that was sadly overshadowed by the two werewolf movies that followed later in the same year. Hell of a tagline, too.

4. Dog Soldiers (2002)

When this movie first came out, people were shitting themselves at the originality of the concept. It’s not a hugely original idea – the military have been staring down monsters since King Kong (not to mention the brilliance of cowboys vs dinosaurs in The Valley of Gwangi) but in the horror genre, sometimes originality isn’t important. What is important is re-invention; taking old ideas and putting a fresh new stamp on them, making them seem like brand new ideas. And that’s what Dog Soldiers did to great effect. A bunch of almost comically Grant Mitchell-esque British squaddies are trapped in an Evil Dead style cabin the the woods by werewolves, horror, gore and hilarity ensues. One of those horror movies that non-horror fans love, Dog Soldiers is not only a great horror movie, but also great fun.

3. An American Werewolf in London (1981)

John Landis is a director who, like John Carpenter, has lost his mojo over recent years. The man responsible for Animal House, The Blues Brothers, Coming to America, Trading Places, ¡Three Amigos!, Spies Like Us (“doctor? doctor!”) the classic video for “Thriller” by Michael Jackson and, of course, An American Werewolf in London has all but vanished from the Hollywood radar of late, and that’s a shame because when he’s good, he’s really good. An American Werewolf in London probably represents him at the height of his powers as a director, blurring the line between horror and comedy like the James Whale of his generation. A cast of relative unknowns (except the unbearably cute Jenny Agutter as the love interest) and a geniune feeling of unease in the early scenes coupled with fish-out-of-water-ness in the later scenes makes American Werewolf a minor classic.

2. The Howling (1981)

Blasphemy! The Howling better than American Werewolf? What’ve you been smoking, Michaels!? Well, pot and Marlboros, but that’s neither here nor there. As for The Howling, I saw it long before I ever saw American Werewolf and since this is my site I’m placing it above AAWIL for purely nostalgic reasons. Though both directors are fans of classic horror, i think that Joe Dante had a better understanding of what makes classic horror so great and made a film that works as both a contemporary horror and also as a tribute to the golden age. Featuring characters named after directors of classic werewolf movies and cameos from golden age stars such as John Carradine and Patrick Macnee, The Howling presents us with a far more interesting view of lycanthropy than in AAWIL and, for my money, is much more fun. The less said about the sequels the better though…

1. The Wolf Man (1941)

No, not the 2010 remake, the original 1941 classic which, sixty years on, has yet to be bettered. But then, how can you get better than Lon Chaney, Jr., Claude Rains, Evelyn Ankers and Bela Lugosi? Jack Pierce, master of movie makeup and Universal’s real Dr. Frankenstein, created one of his most famous monsters and Lon Chaney, Jr. gave a career best performance as the tragic Larry Talbot, the prodigal son who returns to his ancestral seat only to become a werewolf. The intelligent script for The Wolf Man by Curt Siodmak gave us much of what has become accepted werewolf lore – the idea of a silver bullet killing a werewolf and the famous ditty about “even a man who is pure in heart” being just two examples. Endlessly homaged and parodied, not to mention the recent remake, time has done very little to diminish the movie’s power and its impact on the horror genre cannot be overstated.

Honorable mention to:
Silver Bullet (1985)
If you’re a genre fan, there are certain things that, when you see them on a film poster or DVD cover, act as warning flag that tell you the film might not be any good: it’s a Steven King adaptation; it’s produced by Dino DeLaurentis; it stars Gary Busey and Corey Haim; it’s the director’s one and only feature film. All of these apply to Silver Bullet, but somehow it manages to bypass the warning flags and become a decent movie.

So there you have it, the top ten werewolf movies (plus one). No doubt you’ll have seen at least one or two of these, but they’re all worth tracking down if you haven’t done so already. In any case, it’s good to be back! End transmission.

10. Ronald Reagan IS… Rick Blaine!

Eventually played by: Humphrey Bogart

To be honest, there’s every chance this is just Hollywood bullshit, but there’s a rumor that wont go away that future president Ronald Reagan was offered the lead in Casablanca, but turned it down. With Reagan in the lead, it would’ve been an acceptable movie; Bogart made it a classic. That said, Bogart became one of the most popular movie stars ever and Regan somehow became one of the most (bafflingly) popular presidents ever, so all’s well that ends well, I guess.

9. Tom Selleck IS… Indiana Jones!

Eventually played by: Harrison Ford

To be honest, this one might have worked. Selleck has that same laconic charm as Harrison Ford (although, admittedly, he has far less of it) and if we couldn’t have Ford, Selleck would’ve done. That said, I don’t think it would’ve turned into the franchise it became with Selleck in the lead.

8. Laurence Olivier IS… Don Corleone!

Eventually played by: Marlon Brando

Another one that I kinda see working. Someone on IMDB commented that Olivier would’ve acted rather than stuffing his cheeks with cotton wool and mumbling, but that’s a bit unfair, methinks. Brando turned in an incredible performance, but surley I’m not the only one who’d love to see what the world’s greatest Shakesperian would’ve done with the role.

7. James Cagney IS… Robin Hood!

Eventually played by: Errol Flynn

Ok, so now we’re getting into the stuff I really don’t see working. Whilst making A Midsummer Night’s Dream with Cagney as Bottom, a studio exec suggested Cagney as Robin Hood. Had Cagney not walked off the Warner Bros. lot, he would’ve been the man in tights and Erroll Flynn would’ve been an also-ran. Cagney is one of my favorite actors, but I can’t imagine him in green tights spitting out dialouge about Normans and Saxons and “every free man in England” in his stacatto Bronx accent.

6. Nicholas Cage IS… Superman!

Eventually played by: Brandon Routh

Believe it or not, there was a while there when the next Superman movie was going to be Kevin Smith’s Superman Lives directed by Tim Burton and starring Nicholas Cage as the Man of Steel. Tim Burton being Tim Burton, this wouldn’t have been a Superman story as we know them, but it would’ve been a Burtonised nightmare starring a hero that looks like that picture above. Still think Brandon Routh sucked?

5. Robert Redford IS… Rocky Balboa!

Eventually played by: Sylvester Stallone

When Sylvester Stallone pitched Rocky to studio executives they were all over the idea like a dog eating beetroot, but with one condition. They didn’t want Stallone – previously seen in only softcore porn and Corman exploitation – playing the lead in his own movie and would much rather have a bankable star as Rocky. Their first choice? Robert Redford. The blonde haired, blue eyed Sundance festival founder as the Itallian Stallion? Apollo would’ve put his ass on the mat in the first round.

4. Christopher Walken IS… Han Solo!

Eventually played by: Harrison Ford.

The part of Han Solo was offered to Harrison Ford, Kurt Russell and Christopher Walken. With Russell in the part I reckon the trilogy would’ve gone ahead much as it did, but with Christopher Walken Captain Solo is something I really can’t imagine. Walken, as awesome as he is, just doesn’t have the laconic charm to play the rougeish Han Solo.

3. Al Pacino IS… John Rambo!

Eventually played by: Sylvester Stallone.

Let me first say that the Rambo of the movies is something very different from the Rambo of the book “First Blood” by David Morrell and, in a pervese sort of way, I can kinda see Al Pacino as the Rambo of the novel, but as the Rambo of the movies – especially First Blood Part II and Rambo III – Al Pacino is about the last guy I’d put in that role. Can you really see Tony Montana stripped to the waist sporting a bandana, a bandolier and a Browning? Thought not.

EDIT: Since posting this, I’ve noticed the astonishing similarity between the two pictures above.  Creepy…

2. Frank Sinatra IS… Harry Callahan!

Eventually played by: Clint Eastwood.

Sinatra might have done it his way, but saints be praised Clint got to do Dirty Harry HIS way. To be fair, Sinatra – in a round about sort of way – played John McLane long before Bruce Willis did (no, really, swear to god – see below) but by the time the seventies rolled around and Dirty Harry went into production, Ol’ Blue Eyes was a little too old to play the eponymous detective. That said, Charles Bronson was pretty awesome in Death Wish despite his advanced years, but seriously, can you really see the Chairman of the Board wielding a .44 Magnum and asking punks if they feel lucky?

1. Adam West IS… James Bond!

Eventually played by: George Lazenby

Yup, you read that right, Adam West was approached to take over from Sean Connery but declined saying that he felt Bond should be British. Now, hear me out. I think Adam West could’ve been a great Bond – he certainly was good looking enough (and certainly looked the part – look at that picture, just add a gun and you have 007), could handle himself physically and was great with a one liner, but perhaps it’s for the best that he never took the part. Among others considered for the role are Richard Burton, Jeremy Brett (if only), Oliver Reed, Christopher Reeve, Burt Reynolds, James Brolin, Steve Reeves (!), Ewan McGregor, Clint Eastwood (really) and Sam Neil.

A note on the Frank Sinatra/John McLane:
John McLane – or, as he was originally named Joe Leland – first appeared in the novel “The Detective” by Roderick Thorp. This movie was made into a film starring Frankie. The novel’s sequel “Nothing Lasts Forever” became the basis for Die Hard with the character renamed John McLane and played by Bruce Willis.

Anyway, leave a comment if you have anything interesting to say. Hell, leave a comment even if you don’t. Something on comics soon, I swear! End transmission.

10. The Monster Squad

Any kid who grew up loving monster movies saw and loved this movie. A group of kids teaming up with Frankenstein’s Monster and Van Helsing to take out Dracula, the Mummy, the Wolf Man and the Creature from the Black Lagoon? Yes, please. A sequel, of course, could’ve brought the Count back with a bunch of new monsters for round two, but sadly our monster kid prayers were never answered.

9. Enter the Dragon

Bruce Lee could’ve been the Asian James Bond had Enter the Dragon been sequelled and made into a series. Unfortunatley, the little issue of Bruce’s death got in the way and what could have been an awesome film series was never to be. Enter the Dragon plays a lot like a Bond movie – the villain even has a Persian Cat – and it’s easy to imagine a series of four or five movies starring Lee being sent to take down various chop socky badguys.

8. The Rocketeer

The Rocketeer is a great characte and a great comic but a pretty forgetable movie made the character pretty much unknown amongst casual movie fans these days. Given the chance to develop with another movie or two, the Rocketeer could easily be as well known today as Indiana Jones or James Bond.  A series about a guy with a jetpack vs all manner of nefearious Nazis and Commies – sounds good to me.

7. Cloverfield

I still hold out hope for a Cloverfield sequel.  The way I see it is we either continue the story or we see the first movie from another angle, be it another group of people with a camera or in a more traditional monster movie style, but either way, I want to see more. The cool thing with Cloverfield was that we, as monster movie fans, know the granite jawed generals ad bespectacled scientists were hard at work somewhere, but we never saw them. A sequel (or, more acurately, an “equal”) told in a more conventional manner would be cool to see.

6. Dracula

The 1979 version starring the great Frank Langella here, I for one would love to see the continuation of the story. The film strongly hints that Dracula perhaps survives the film but, sadly, Langella wasn’t interested – he had played Dracula for years on Broadway before appearing in the movie and he felt it was time to move on. A shame, but not an insurmountble obstacle since Langella was suceeded in the role on stage by none other than Jeremy Brett. Jeremy Brett as Dracula in an unashamedly lavish and romantic sequel to an unashamedly lavish and romantic original? If only.

5. The Shadow

Like Dracula, the ending of The Shadow strongly hints at a sequel, but alas it was never to be. The Shadow is one of my favorite comic book characters so it’s perhaps selfishness on my part to wish there had been at least one sequel, but still, it would’ve been great to see Alec Baldwin back as the living shadow. With a history dating back to 1930, story ideas were hardly thin on the ground, but the film wasn’t the runaway sucess the studio hoped it would be, so any and all sequels were nixed. A real shame – and maybe they could’ve even fixed the makeup and made it less goofy.

4. Conan the Destroyer

To be fair, a new Conan movie is coming out next year, but Oliver Stone and John Millius’ original plan of doing a Conan movie every two years or so and making it an ongoing series a-la 007 sadly never came to fruition. The idea was to bring the Governator back and use a new Robert Howard inspired plot each time, but the failure of Conan the Destroyer to set the box office on fire killed that idea deader than one of Conan’s enemies. There was talk of a new Conan movie with Triple H a while ago, but nothing came of it and, best of all, there were rumours of a movie starring Arnie as King Conan flew around but, sadly, it never happened.

3. On Her Majesty’s Secret Service

Diamonds Are Forever doesn’t count. What I would loved to have seen is a continuation of the story laid out in OHMSS, starring George Lazenby, and showing Bond trying to deal with the death of Tracy, messing up a mission and being fired by M and then setting out, License to Kill-style, to find and kill Blofeld. Bond in DAF doesn’t seem to give a toss that Blofeld killed his wife, trading barbs with the guy like they’re old sparring partners.

2. Army of Darkness

Regardless of wether we’re talking about the original S-Mart ending or the “I slept too long” ending, Army of Darkness is wide open for a sequel. Ash in the present day wiping out Deadites? Yes, please. Ash in post-apocolyptic England wiping out Deadites? Yes, please. Either way, I’m a happy guy. Or not, as the case may be, since a sequel was never made. With a budget of $11 million and a domestic gross of $11.5 million it’s no surprise that a sequel was never forthcoming, but a guy can dream, right? The real question, of course, is wether it would be called Evil Dead 3 or Army of Darkness 2…

1. Return of the Jedi

You’d think I’d have learned my lesson after the prequel trilogy, but I can’t help but wish Lucas would lure Harrison Ford back into the old waistcoat and convince Mark Hamill to wield a lightsaber three more times and give us episodes VII, VIII and IX. Timothy Zahn already wrote a sequel trilogy, so the stories are there, and it’s not as through Lucas doesn’t have the money, so what’s the hold up? I sat through Indiana Jones 4, so the way I see it is Lucas and Ford *owe* me at least one more Star Wars movie. But please, no Ewoks or Gungans this time, I’m begging you.

Admittedly, if sequels to these movies had been made, there’s every chance they would’ve sucked, but still, it’s fun to imagine what might have been. In any case, gimmie your thoughts below. Something about comics next, I promise. No, really! End transmission.